I laughed and held my hand out for Ramsey as we walked into the maze. Bushes had been shaped and grown until they were well above our heads.
He took my hand and winked at Kayin. “You just want to check out my arse.”
Kayin’s mouth fell open, and an odd squeak was the only noise he made.
Shin grabbed Kayin’s hand. “Well, it is worth looking at.”
“Cheers, mate.”
“Hey, could you move your yoga bag it’s blocking the view?” Shin asked.
Ramsey chuckled and moved his bag.
“Yes, quite nice,” said Shin.
“You're so bad,” I said. Poor Kayin was flustered and confused.
“So,” I said turning to Ramsey. “What are you doing Tuesday night?”
“I have a gig until eleven. Why?”
“Miu organized a party for my birthday, and I was hoping you could come. It doesn’t start until ten because we have a show at seven, so maybe you can come after your gig?”
Ramsey squeezed my hand. “Of course I’ll be there. Where is it?”
“It’s a club called Enchanted.”
Ramsey smiled. “Perfect. It’ll take only seconds for me to get there.”
“Oh, are you playing close by?”
“Yep, fate must want to keep us together.”
I blushed. It did seem that way.
* * *
We ran laughing into the theater, bursting through the doors at four-fifty-nine. The other performers were walking around settling into their pre-performance routine. The stale scent of popcorn, sweat, and make-up hung heavy in the air. Guh, I wanted to open all the doors and windows.
“Have a fun day?” Michael asked.
“Yes, it was great,” I said, hanging up my things.
Michael smiled. “Good. Now all of you get ready.”
“See you guys later,” Shin said.
“Bye,” Kayin said.
—Back at the theater. Things went well. Will tell you all about it after the show. I’ll text when I’m back at the hotel. Nothing urgent or dangerous, I texted to Gavin.
I shivered at the memory of the others accusing me of lying and putting them in danger, so I sent the text to everyone. There, that should keep them happy. I still wasn’t sure what I had done to have them think so badly of me. I gathered up my things and changed into my costume and went to warm up.
Kayin and Shin weren’t there yet, but the others were. I went to a corner by myself, no point in getting into another argument.
“Sapphire, can I talk to you?” Miu asked.
I reached out and clasped my hands under my feet. “Sure what’s up?”
“I want to apologize. I thought about what was said the other day. We did start out worried, with the baby coming, and what happened at the party, and then I don’t know we started talking and then thought that maybe you were keeping things from us. Then we got angry that you were keeping things from us.” Miu sighed. “We should have—no, I should have talked to you. We share a room. I had plenty of chances to talk to you. I’m sorry I let myself get carried away and didn’t trust you.”
I forced back tears and fought to keep my face and breathing normal. They had all sat down and talked about me and decided I was risking their safety and lying to them. That is who they thought I was?
Kayin had been hurt that I had lied to him at the museum. We had talked that out, but the others thought the worst about me. “It’s okay, sometimes people get carried away. I understand.”
But I didn’t understand. My heart ached and my eyes burned. I thought we were becoming a family. I had been stupid enough to think this once before. I’d been with my second foster mom for two years. She bought me all sorts of stuff, let me paint my room purple, and even bought me a kitten. There were two of us girls living with her, and we were treated like princesses. Then she chose to adopt the other girl, and I was put into a group home. I gave up the dream of having a family and refused to go to another foster home after that.
“And we’re still on for Tuesday before your party at the club right?” Miu asked.
“Lunch and some mystery event before the show,” I said plastering on a smile and dredging up enthusiasm.
“I’m so glad,” she said blinking rapidly. Her eyes shone with tears. “We’re going to have so much fun. I found a Japanese restaurant to go to. And then for the surprise.”
“Do I need to wear anything specific for this surprise?” I asked.
“Nope, jeans are fine. I have to go, my makeup takes forever. I’ll see you later. I can’t wait to hear about what happened with hamadryad.”
“Bye Miu.”
Pretending to be okay takes a lot of energy. I exhaled and began to move into my warm up routine, letting the familiar movements relax me.
“So you and Miu are all happy happy again,” Sasha said.
What had crawled up his ass and died? “What do you need?”
“I’m not going to apologize,” Sasha blurted out.
“Okay.” Like I cared.
Taliesin came over. His worry danced around me, but my own anger blocked it from reaching me.
“So I assume I can’t come to hear what happened if I don’t do what you want,” Sasha said.
“Yes, that’s right,” I snapped. “I don’t even know why you’re asking. I feel like I’ve shown myself to be such a selfish, cruel, egomaniac that if you aren’t behaving exactly as I want, then I’ll shun you and treat you like crap. That is my normal behavior, but I’m positive that if you get to Gavin and Anali first, they’ll make sure you can stay despite the huge fit I’m likely to have.”
I stood up. Taliesin and Sasha’s mouths hung open. What were they expecting? Exactly how much do they think I can take? Anger—no, fury—pulsed through me like bolts of lightning. “I don’t want you to apologize. Do you think it will do any good? You showed me exactly what you think of me and some stupid words said out of guilt won’t fix anything.”
“Sapphire,” Taliesin said. “Your hand is on fire.”
I clenched my fists, then exhaled and opened my fingers wide shoving everything down as much as possible. The fire faded, thankfully before anyone saw anything.
“Is everything okay?” Shin asked from the other side of the room.
“Yes,” I said. “It’s all good.”
I turned and grabbed my towel and water bottle. Empty red-rimmed eyes stared at me from the mirror. Thank goodness for makeup.
“What about Miu?” Sasha asked.
I shrugged. “What about her? I have no intention of saying anything to her. Why hurt her like that?”
“So you can work it out,” Taliesin said.
I snorted. God, they were stupid. “Work what out? That you all think I’m a selfish bitch who puts you in danger and doesn’t support you in any way? How does that get fixed? Not by talking. I have to go and do my make-up.”
“Sapphire,” Shin said pulling me into a hug. “You're the worst liar ever.”
“Not here,” I said, my face buried in his chest and tears burning my eyes.
Shin lifted me off the floor and started walking. Somehow he found a dark, quiet corner and sat. “We’re alone.”
I curled into him and began to cry.
He didn’t say anything, just held me and let me cry, and held me some more.
“I’m sorry,” I muttered.
“For what?”
I sat up and wiped my face on my towel then tried to dry him off.
“Sapphire, don’t worry about it. I don’t wear this for the show,” Shin said. “Do you want to tell me what happened, or is this about the secret you all are keeping?”
I stiffened. Crap, oh crap. What was I supposed to say now?
“Relax,” Shin said. “You don’t have to tell me.”
“How did you know?” I asked.
Shin chuckled. “Because I see with my eyes open. So do you want to talk about it in obtuse vague terms?”
I laughed. “It’s not a big deal.
I just thought that we were becoming a family, and that they trusted me, but they don’t and we aren’t.”
“What happened?”
“Basically, they were worried I was keeping secrets from them. Instead of asking, or considering that I had simply forgotten, they thought I was keeping secrets on purpose. And not little things, either, but keeping things from them that could keep them safe.”
“But that’s not who you are,” Shin said. “Maybe they're stressed out. People do say things they don’t mean when angry.”
“Things they don’t mean or things they didn’t mean to say?” I asked.
Shin sighed. “Things that are only a part of what they think. You are the leader, and they are worried that you will keep something from them. They're afraid that if you don’t care enough about them, they might not get important information. But they also trust you, they look to you when things happen. They became afraid, which turned into anger, and they lashed out with their fears, not their hopes.”
“But I’ve never done anything like that before. I don’t purposefully keep important information from them.”
“No, but if you did, they’d be in trouble,” Shin said. “And in the eight months we’ve traveled together, this is the first time you’ve done things without them. You guys are always together. Either in small groups or as a whole. Maybe they are feeling insecure about how important they are to you. Maybe they're wondering if they’re replaceable?”
“I suppose, but they have made friends and gone off to do things with them.” People are too confusing, I liked being a recluse better.
“They make friends with other people in the circus, people who are already part of our family,” Shin said.
I rubbed my face. “So what do I do?”
“I don’t know. Could you give them the benefit of the doubt, the way you hope they will give you? Assume they are speaking out of fear and anger instead of hope and love.”
“Maybe,” I said, but did not pout.
Shin laughed. “You don’t have to decide tonight, but we do have to get ready for the show.”
“Thank you, for helping me. I didn’t even realize how upset I was.”
Shin wrapped an arm around my shoulders. “Of course. And if you want to tell me your secret, I’ll listen.”
* * *
This time everyone was spread out around the coffee table in Gavin and Anali’s room, eating the food that had been ordered and badly faking being relaxed.
Kayin sat on the arm of the chair I was curled up on. I took a huge bite of raspberry brownie. At least being here wasn’t a total waste.
“So,” Gavin began, sitting next to Anali who looked alert and had pink cheeks. Her hands were decorated with red-brown mehendi patterns. “I don’t need to be an empath to know something is wrong.”
I shrugged. “We can’t get along all the time.”
“Well, I hope you all sort it out before your birthday party,” Anali said. “I’d hate for this misunderstanding to ruin your special day.”
“I’m sure it’ll be fine. So about the hamadryad,” I said. It wasn’t the smoothest segue, but I wasn’t interested in having an intense, touchy-feely talk.
“Wait,” Kayin said when I finished telling what had happened. “You were gone for forty-five minutes, and that’s all that happened?”
I felt my face heat up. “Well, it’s winter, and the hamadryad had to work to stay awake and focused. Anyway, I think trees probably talk more slowly when they are dormant.”
Anali leaned forward. “I hope touching Oak for that long didn’t cause any problems.”
“No, not really. I mean I saw a lot. It’s funny how people seemed to know that tree was special. They would come and talk to it all through the centuries that it grew there. Children and adults would come and talk to Oak.” I picked up an egg salad sandwich, the sugar from the brownies was started to buzz in my head—I needed some protein. “Oh, also Shin knows we're keeping some kind of a secret. He doesn’t know what, and he didn’t pressure me to tell him, but he knows something is up.”
Sasha huffed and waved his hands in the air. “See, this is what we’re talking about. You’re just telling us now?”
“Well, since I found out right before the show tonight, and since this is the first chance I’ve had to talk to all of you, telling you now seemed like the right thing to do,” I snapped.
“Did he figure it out today?” Gavin asked.
“No, I don’t think. He sounded like he’d known something was up for a while.”
“Sapphire and Ramsey did have a good excuse as to why they took so long,” Kayin said.
Taliesin raised an eyebrow. “Really, because you don’t lie well.”
“True, but I didn’t have to lie.”
Everyone looked at me. I ignored them.
“What she means is that they came back with grass and leaves in their hair, and Shin didn’t even ask what they had been doing,” Kayin said.
“And what had you been doing?” Gavin asked.
“That,” said Anali, “Is none of our business. So what do we do about Shin?”
“Stay away from him,” Miu suggested.
Kayin tensed up.
“No,” I said. “I don’t think he’s a threat.”
“But he could figure it out,” said Sasha.
“That won’t put him or us in danger,” said Gavin. “I trust Shin. I’m not ready to tell him everything, but I don’t feel the need for us to hide from him.”
“Good. I like him too,” said Anali. “So what about this Tor?”
“Well a Tor is a hill or an outcropping of rocks,” said Gavin, while looking up something on his phone. “But the most famous Tor is Glastonbury Tor which is said to have been where Avalon once was. Here.”
Gavin held up his phone and a picture of what looking like a stone gateway for a castle standing on a hill.
Sasha pointed at the phone. “That is what I saw! That is the image from my Dream.”
“So when do we go?” Taliesin asked.
We all looked around the room trying to find the person with the answer.
“Well,” began Gavin. “Oak needs time to let beings know, so not in the next few days. Sasha, could you ask in your Dreams, see if you can find any information?”
He nodded. “Da.”
“Okay, anything else?” No one said anything. Gavin clapped his hands. “All right. Well, have a good night then. Sapphire, can you stay for a bit?”
My foot twitched as I waited for everyone to leave. Was I in trouble? Were we going to have another talk about sex? Or Ramsey? I yawned. I hoped this won’t take long.
“How was the party?” I asked Anali.
“Oh, I had so much fun. We ate so much, and talked, and painted henna on each other.” She held up her hands, her palms looked like mandalas. She smiled so bright and looked healthy again, my heart relaxed. “I can’t wait for you to meet everyone tomorrow.”
“I’m looking forward to it too. I’ve never been to a wedding before. What time should I be ready?”
“The ceremony starts at two, so one-thirty?” Anali looked at Gavin.
“One-fifteen in case traffic is bad.”
“Okay, great. That’ll give me time to sleep in, and I can train in the morning before getting ready.” Uncomfortable silence. “Anything else?”
Gavin cleared his throat. “I’m sorry about the other day. When the others told me you were keeping secrets, I got scared that you were in danger. I reacted when I should have talked to you. I wish I had remembered how level headed you are most of the time, and that I do trust you.”
I sniffed but wouldn’t argue with the ‘most of the time’ comment. “It’s okay, I understand.”
“Do you?” Anali asked.
“Well, Shin explained it to me, and I’m trying. But...” I exhaled and curled up, wrapping my arms around my legs. “Do you guys really think that about me? I mean that I’m that bad of a person?”
“No.” Gavin
jumped up and sat next to me. “No, not at all. I was worried, and angry at myself for not noticing you needed help, which I guess I didn’t need to do. I’m sorry.” Gavin kissed my head.
“It’s okay. I can see how your worry would make you overreact.” I could understand Gavin, but I wasn’t convinced about the others.
Chapter Nineteen
A sari makes normal women look like royalty. The bright jewel colors, the way you have to hold yourself so it will stay up, and the movement of the fabric. I did my best to act like I fit in, but I felt awkward in the silky fabric and kept checking to make sure it wasn’t about to fall off my shoulder. Most of the translucent peridot green sari was wrapped around my waist with the weight settled on my hips. The end crossed over my chest and fell halfway down my back. Anali said the gold beads on the edge would help keep it in place. The matching green silk top was small with buttons down the back, covering my breasts and tops of my arms. I fluctuated between feeling feminine and beautiful to clumsy and wondering if everyone could tell I’d never worn a sari before.
The bride wore a dark red sari with so much gold and crystal beading that it looked uncomfortably heavy. The groom wore a rich cream coat which fell to his knees, with gold elephants embroidered along the edges. Their happiness filled the room as they made their vows.
I looked around the Orangery and its bright, white, wood-framed glass panels. At one time this was a greenhouse specifically for oranges and other citrus. Garlands of marigolds were draped over every available surface, their bitter scent filling the room. I’d have to ask Anali about the importance marigolds because even the bride and groom had necklaces made from them.
Cheers filled the air as the newly married couple kissed. They walked back down the aisle receiving hugs and kisses and offered blessings of a good life and many children. I stepped out of the way. I didn’t want to get caught up in that.
Anali wiped her eyes and adjusted her dark blue sari. The silver paisleys caught the light as they moved. “Wasn’t that lovely? They look so happy.”
“They do look happy,” Gavin said, taking her arm. He wore black slacks and a tunic jacket which fell to his knees. Gray tigers were embroidered on the front along the buttons on his chest.
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