First to Dance

by Sonya Writes

  Panya shook her head. “I won’t do that to him again. I’m not strong like you. I can’t keep a family together. I forget too easily.”

  “You’re strong, Panya.” Ayita looked into her eyes. “Your love is strong.”

  Panya shook her head. “It’s not enough.”

  Ayita faintly smiled. “But what in the universe can be stronger than love?” she asked.

  Panya did not smile. “You don’t understand Ayita. He doesn’t love me; he loves you. And you might try to deny it, but I know that you love him, too. The question is, who do you love more: him, or yourself?”

  The words stung, and Panya meant them to. But Ayita was certain that she was wrong. “When I leave, he won’t even notice,” Ayita said. “He’s already forgotten that he knows me.”

  “He might think he’s forgotten, but his heart remembers. Trust me, his heart remembers. There will be an empty space there when you’re gone.”

  Ayita sighed. “I have to go,” she said. “I left home to find Earth and my heart will never truly be at peace until I do. As long as it’s possible to go, I have to go.”

  “As long as you know what you’re leaving behind,” Panya said. Then she looked away. “But I don’t know how your heart could possibly be at peace without the man you’re in love with.”

  An icy breeze flowed between them and Ayita withdrew her hands into her coat sleeves. They said nothing more on the topic and walked away from each other—Panya to the house she was staying in and Ayita to the school building, where Ziyad would be.

  Ziyad seemed numb when she found him, as though he were grieving, but his face brightened when he saw her.

  “I thought you’d gone,” he said. “I know you said you wouldn’t leave until after you said goodbye, but it’s been so many days…”

  “There was a lot for me to learn, there. There still is.”

  “Does that mean you’ll stay until you’ve learned it?”

  “Perhaps, but I will be at the space center, not here.”

  “Ayita…”

  “Yes, Ziyad?”

  “Please stay.”

  She paused and stared at him.

  “You could come with me,” she said.

  He contemplated the idea.

  “You don’t have to stay here forever, feeling alone as you do.”

  He took her hand and looked into her eyes. “Even going with you I would be alone, because I’ll never have your heart the way Dakarai does.”

  Suddenly she understood why he was grieving. She didn’t know what to say to that, so she said nothing. Then she pulled him in for a hug.

  “I will write it all down for you, Ziyad. There is a bed in that building, and I will leave the instructions on the pillow. If you ever change your mind, you’ll know how to find me.”

  He hugged her a little more tightly when she said that, but he knew in his heart that he would never use those instructions to find her. He would stay here, as he always had, and life would go on without her. Still, he said nothing to discourage her from writing it.

  Ziyad walked with her to the door. When she stepped outside, the weather felt warm, which seemed so odd after it was snowing just the day before.

  “Yesterday’s snow was unusual,” Ziyad said, as if he knew her thoughts. “It was a rare cold day, surrounded by warm ones. I suppose you didn’t spend much time outside while you were there, so you didn’t notice the weather change. I’m glad you came back today; if you’d waited much longer, we would have already left for home.”

  “How much longer?”

  “We’ll probably pack up and leave within the week. Spring is coming, and everyone is getting restless here. Buds are forming on the trees…we’re ready to go home. Our blankets will keep us warm until the weather does.”

  “Oh,” she said. She didn’t know why this saddened her, as she wasn’t planning to be around anyway. She would spend the rest of her time here at the space center until she was prepared to take off.

  “Are you going to say goodbye to Dakarai?” Ziyad asked.

  “No,” she said. “He won’t remember it if I do, and he won’t notice it if I don’t.”

  Ziyad sighed. “Maybe not, but you’ll remember.”

  Ayita thought about his words. Did she want to spend her life knowing that she’d left without even saying goodbye to him? She brought her hand up to the wooden turtle hanging from her neck. Inside were two seeds that they agreed they would plant together. It was a promise that only she remembered, now.

  “I’ll say goodbye to him in my heart,” she said. “But I’m not ready to do that, yet. Saying goodbye in person would mean nothing to either of us right now.”

  She gave Ziyad one last hug. She walked in her direction, and he in his. They would never see each other again. She would write the instructions for him all the same because she promised she would, but even she knew that he would not follow her.

  It took Ayita several days to get everything ready. She prepared both spaceships this time for a voyage to Earth, filling up the food storage compartments and configuring the settings on the computer. As she worked, she wrote down every detail of what she did in a blank journal that she’d brought from the school building.

  Ayita studied the possible landing locations on Earth, and selected the one that Etana had traveled to most frequently. She added this detail to the journal, and then, she didn’t know why, but she didn’t want to leave yet. She decided to spend one more night at the space center, and as she lay down to sleep, she felt a sort of strange connection to the woman Etana who had slept here before and whose clothes were still hanging in the closet. What happened to her? Where was she?

  The next morning, she woke up and everything was ready so she could leave. “All set to go,” she said to herself. But then she felt tears come to her eyes and she realized she didn’t want to leave Dakarai, not really. She wasn’t ready to say goodbye. What if Panya was right? What if he hadn’t truly forgotten her? What if her leaving really was leaving a hole in his heart?

  She logged on to the main computer and searched for Dakarai in the History Log to read the most recent records. He was home now. They’d left only two days after Ayita said her goodbyes to Ziyad and Panya. When he got home to the forest, the first thing he did was jump in the lake. It didn’t matter to him that the water had only recently thawed and the temperature was still ice-cold. He warmed himself in the sun on the grass. He played his small wooden instrument. He dove from the top of the waterfall and came out of the water with a smile. He did everything he always did.

  He’s happy, she thought. He’s happy without me. And she smiled because she wanted him to be. She wanted him to be happy.

  Ayita leaned forward and kissed the screen. “Goodbye Dakarai,” she said. “Goodbye, Adonia.”

  Then she got up from her seat and boarded the spaceship. She sat down, strapped herself in, and pressed, “Launch.”

  17

  The sight of her leaving tore through the sky, but Dakarai didn’t know its significance, and when he saw the spaceship getting smaller until it disappeared among the stars, he didn’t know what it was.

  He continued his day like any other, but when he lay down to sleep that night he felt that something was missing. He didn’t know, because he didn’t remember, but he had felt this way every night trying to sleep for the past few months. Now that he was home, the feeling was even stronger. Something was missing. Frustrated, he got up and walked away from the square-topped tree he called home, and toward the lake. Watching the reflection on the water he could see the moon and the stars, and there was something else there, but when he looked up to the sky, it was gone. He frowned and kneeled down until he could reach the water with his hand to splash the image away.

  As the ripples in the water receded and the image was again clear, Dakarai stood and returned to his table-top tree. He lay down and observed everything around him, paying close attention to the sights and sounds of the forest. Then, he noticed something peculiar,
something different about the trunk of this tree. He looked more closely; scratched into the bark was a name. Ayita. He traced the markings with his fingertips and quietly said her name. “Ayita.”

  I don’t know how to swim, Dakarai.

  I’ll teach you.

  I’ve never danced with someone else before.

  Dance with me.

  I wanted to go to Earth, but my spaceship crashed here instead. I’m kind of glad, though, because I got to meet you.

  Forgive me if I forget you.

  I will.

  Forgive me if I forget.

  I will.

  Forgive me.

  I will.

  He gradually remembered what she looked like. He could see her face now. She looked familiar and unfamiliar at the same time.

  Hello Dakarai.

  Do I know you?

  Yes…we were friends over the summer.

  She looked sad, then she looked angry, and then she was gone.

  Dakarai realized and he remembered. He pounded his fist to the ground and whispered, “I’m sorry.” Dakarai closed his eyes for a moment, then they shot open and he turned his head toward the path through the forest. He jumped up and ran along it until he came to the lake on the other side.

  You saved my life, Dakarai. I was drowning and you pulled me from the water.

  I love you, Dakarai.

  I love you, Ayita.

  Looking straight ahead, he could see the cluster of trees where everyone else slept, and turning to the left, he saw the lone tree where Ayita lived. He ran toward it and when he saw that there was indeed someone sleeping under that tree he smiled wide and ran a little faster. But the closer he got, the more apparent it was that the body lying under that tree did not belong to Ayita. Dakarai slowed down and squinted his eyes to see who was sleeping there, but the person’s back was to him and he could not tell. He walked up to the sleeping body and leaned down, grabbing the person’s shoulder and shaking him until he woke. The man rolled over to his other side and looked up at Dakarai. Dakarai recognized the face, but he didn’t know the name.

  “I’m sorry,” he said.

  The man yawned. “Ziyad,” he said.

  Dakarai nodded. “Ziyad, I need your help. I need to find Ayita.”

  Ziyad squinted his eyes. “What?” He almost laughed.

  “Where is Ayita?”

  Ziyad sat up and stretched. “She left.”

  “Where? I need to find her.”

  “Dakarai, she’s gone.”

  “What do you mean gone?” Don’t tell me that you mean what I think you mean.

  “I mean she isn’t here. You can search all you like, but you aren’t going to find her.”

  “So tell me where to look.”

  “Dakarai, why don’t you just go back to bed? You aren’t going to remember any of this in the morning anyway.”

  Dakarai grabbed Ziyad by his shirt and lifted him to his feet. “Tell me where she went!”

  Ziyad swung his arm up to the sky and told him what he feared. “Out there! Okay?” He pushed Dakarai away and stepped back. “She’s out there.”

  Dakarai’s breathing was heavier and he closed his eyes. “All right,” he said, “okay.” He opened his eyes and looked up. “How do I get out there?”

  “You’re joking, right?”

  “Why would I be?”

  “Because you can’t be serious. Even if I did send you out there to find her, you’d wake up on a spaceship with no idea why you’re there. And that doesn’t even matter because by tomorrow you’ll have forgotten all of this.”

  “I will not forget!”

  “You will, Dakarai.”

  “I remember now,” he said. “I remember her.”

  “And you think you will tomorrow?”

  “I don’t know. But I want to. How do I follow her?”

  “Dakarai, be realistic. By now, who knows how far she’s gone? It’s a three-month trip to Earth. By that time do you really expect to remember why you’re even out there or where you‘re going?”

  “I can write it down. I can read it every time I wake up until I find her.”

  “You don’t keep a journal,” he said. “I thought reading journals didn’t help you.”

  “It doesn’t.”

  “Then how do you expect to-”

  “-I don’t know!” he said. “I don’t know. But I have to find her.”

  “It’s too late right now to do anything, really. The spaceships are three days away and everyone else is asleep.”

  “What does it matter that they’re asleep? We should leave right now.”

  “It matters because I wouldn’t want to wake them, or to worry them when we’re gone without reason.”

  “We have reason.”

  “Yes, well…never mind.”

  “We leave now. You can explain later.”

  “Dakarai, it’s the middle of the night and I need sleep.”

  “I need to find Ayita. What’s wrong? Don’t you want to help me?”

  Ziyad said nothing.

  “You know what; I’ll just figure it out on my own.” Dakarai started walking in the direction of their winter homes while Ziyad stood and watched him. He thought about what Ayita said to him, that Dakarai distracted her from finding what she really wanted, which was Earth. She was hurt by what happened with Kesi, but in the end she found it to be a good thing, because it reminded her of what she really left her home for.

  But she loved him. And he loved her. She wouldn’t admit it, but she left because she felt forgotten. Not because of Earth, or she would have left at the start of the winter. Now she was remembered.

  Ziyad walked down to where everyone else was sleeping and he found the place where he normally slept, where his wooden chest was. He opened it, and at the bottom, underneath all the blankets and the clothes, was his journal. It was a new journal. One he’d started the week before Ayita left. Ziyad tore out all the pages he wrote on, those with his feelings toward Ayita and this whole situation, and he shredded them to bits. The rest of the notebook was empty pages. He tore one out and wrote a note on it to Panya, then left it by her side. He filled a bag with food and started running toward Dakarai.

  When at last he caught up, he stopped, caught his breath, handed Dakarai the journal and said, “I’ll help you.”

  Dakarai smiled and they continued walking at a quick pace. “It takes three days,” he said, “because everyone is moving and we need to allow for that and all that is moved; we can make it in two.” He pushed forward and made Ziyad keep his pace though they were both getting to be quite tired. Dakarai ignored his fatigue and wrote in the notebook as they walked so that he might remember. At last he allowed for a rest, but when he awoke the next day he was quite startled and confused. “What’s going on?” he asked, and he questioned why Ziyad was the only other person there. “Were we left behind on the journey home?”

  Ziyad shook his head, and at first he thought he could take this opportunity to just go home and let Dakarai forget again. But then he thought that would be selfish and that he’d been selfish enough in this matter. If Dakarai forgot again, it wouldn’t be because of him. “You’re looking for Ayita,” he told him.

  “Ayita…” Dakarai mumbled the name to himself a few times with a blank face. Then, out of nowhere it seemed his face lit up.

  “Do you remember?” Ziyad asked, surprised.

  “I think so!” he said. “Where is she?”

  They started walking again and Ziyad explained more as they did. The more Dakarai remembered, the faster he walked, and by the end of the second day they arrived. Dakarai was obviously very tired but he refused to go to sleep and he wasn’t letting Ziyad get any either. “I want to be out there,” he said, pointing, “before I fall asleep, or I will forget tomorrow and perhaps not believe you. If I wake up in the sky I will have no choice but to remember.”

  Ziyad took him inside and they studied the spaceships together. Ayita left her instructions on the pillow, a
s she’d promised, and according to the journal, everything was ready. Ziyad read Ayita’s instructions and explained them to Dakarai, then he handed him the instructions to read for himself.

  “Why did she leave these here?” he asked.

  “In case I ever decided to leave.”

  “Oh.” Dakarai stepped inside the spaceship, studying the area in which he would be living for the coming months.

  Ziyad sighed.

  “Do you want to leave, too? You can come with me; you can help me remember.”

  “No,” Ziyad said. “I belong here. You belong out there, with her.” He helped Dakarai find the space where food for the journey was stored and together they figured out how the spaceship would work when he was ready to leave.

  “So I guess, all that’s left is for me to strap myself in and go.”

  “Yes.” Ziyad yawned and walked out of the spaceship, sitting down against a wall and half-asleep.

  “Please stay awake a while longer. Help me write down more things about Ayita. I need help remembering.”

  Dakarai sat next to him and started writing in the journal every thought that came to him about Ayita: her words, her worries, her loves, her touch. When he looked over at him, he saw that Ziyad’s eyes were closed. Dakarai yawned and was very close to falling asleep as well, but he forced himself to stay awake. He took a deep breath and closed the journal, looking up at the spaceship that would take him to her. He stood, shaking, and walked back to it. Ziyad blinked his eyes open and asked, “Are you leaving now?”

  Dakarai nodded. He noticed a hint of sadness on Ziyad’s face. “Is something wrong?” Dakarai asked.

  “No,” Ziyad told him. He looked away and the hint of a smile was there. He nodded and said, “No, everything is as it should be.”