The Devil Is a Part-Timer!, Vol. 16

by Satoshi Wagahara

  Suzuno and Rumack paid it no special mind, both having been to Phiyenci on official business several times. But considering how their envoy was taking Laila to the chief herder, it seemed strange how he was sticking to the city’s busiest business streets.

  Their destination, in the end, was even more confusing. “Um, is this it?” Albert asked, unable to contain his curiosity. They had walked for less than twenty minutes from the cathedral, only to stop at a place not at all grand or lofty. In short, it was a cheap restaurant selling goat meat cooked on an iron plate, the kind of place you’d see everywhere in town.

  “Sir Albert Ende Ranga,” the man said, turning toward him.

  “Ranga” was Albert’s clan name, one he was forced to abandon after Adramelech defeated his Mountain Corps force.

  He continued, “The chief wishes to treat you to a grand meal.”

  “…!”

  Albert froze for a moment, not expecting this.

  “My lady wishes for our visitors from the West to enjoy this as well. She has been a fan of this establishment since a young age. She has reserved the entire dining room for the afternoon, so please, make yourselves at home.”

  And with that, the man walked away and into the crowds, not even bothering to open the door for them.

  The four of them gave one another quizzical looks, before Laila decided to take the lead. “Let’s go in,” she said, pulling the door open. Inside, they found your typical restaurant space—a few chair-lined tables, all in the traditional Northern Island style. A more formal room lay beyond, its floors lined with woven mats; in the middle of it was a sunken fireplace that guests were meant to sit around.

  “Come in already! It’s too damned cold outside!”

  The voice came from the other side of the hearth, as far away from the entrance as possible.

  “?!”

  Suzuno was the only one to pick up on who it was.

  “I’m getting on in years, y’understand! This weather is killer on my knees! Get yourselves in here!”

  The nasal griping reeled them all inside, Laila taking the lead as they walked toward the rear. There, they found a small, elderly woman using a wooden spatula to mix some meat and vegetables on the iron plate above the sunken hearth, adding in sauce of a shade Suzuno had never seen before.

  “It’s been a while, eh? I was surprised to hear you’d become chief herder.”

  Laila casually greeted the stern-looking woman. It made the spatula stop in place over the vegetables.

  “I certainly can’t call you ‘Lidem’ any longer.”

  “Anyone who called me that has been feedin’ the grass and plants from six feet under for years! They’re probably all mountain-deer droppings by now!”

  The small head, covered in a multihued wool cap, was thrown upward, a pair of eyes looking up at the transfixed pair.

  “!”

  Suzuno gasped at the power behind those eyes. Was this Dhin Dhem Wurs—this old woman with a jeweled monocle, small and bent over even when seated?

  “What, didn’t you know that Dhin Dhem Wurs was this old lady with one foot in the grave?”

  The woman who Laila had called Lidem, seeing through Suzuno’s trepidation, half lunged at her.

  “Who’re you, then? Some young up-and-comer in the Church, if I had to guess. Now how are you gonna climb through the ranks if one glare from an old lady like me makes you ruin your garments?”

  “Ah, n-no, I…”

  “Laila! How could you be so impolite, so careless, so silent for so long?! I’m sure you got reasons for showing up in my life right when I’m old and decrepit, don’t you?! And yet, you’re just as much a young fashion maven as ever! You could at least look like a forgotten retiree like me!”

  “I’m trying to look as plain as I can. Your hat’s a lot prettier than anything I’m wearing, Lidem.”

  “Of course it is! The youngest daughter of my third son knitted it for me, back when she was little. It’s the best you’ll ever find!”

  The old woman began mixing up the food on the plate again, suddenly remembering why she was here.

  “So! Hazel!”

  “Y-yes?!”

  The woman’s eyes were on Rumack now. “You’re still single, aren’tcha? Maybe you think you’ll be young forever, but lemme tell you! Between how you are and how I am, it’s all in the blink of an eye, my friend! We don’t have all the time in the world, you know, unlike that debauched, color-blind angel over there! Get yourself a man and settle down already!”

  It was like Wurs was the head of the Federated Order of the Five Continents’ nagging grandmother. The two of them knowing each other was no great surprise, but this wasn’t the kind of conversation two political figures like this would ever normally have.

  “Ah, but keep your hands off that fool, the crown prince of Saint Aile! He’d be such a waste for a smart cookie like you! I tell you, that brat hasn’t gotten any more brains since he was a baby!”

  “Um…”

  She certainly wasn’t pulling any punches. It was an almost treasonous way to describe the next emperor of Saint Aile.

  “Mark my words, you’ll never find any decent men in the West. I can see that much over in Sankt Ignoreido. They act sooo high-and-mighty, like oh, I have nothing but a chair, a desk, and my scriptures at home, but once they get old, all they do is compete to see which of ’em can pile up more gold and jewels in their vaults! I tell you, women like you gotta kick their no-good behinds outta there before it gets even worse! You hear me?!”

  “Y-yes…?”

  The target of her ire had switched back to Suzuno midway. Suzuno could do little but squawk awkwardly.

  “And you, Ranga!”

  But she saved Albert for the end. Wurs picked up an earthenware plate and a pair of chopsticks, using the spatula to shovel the meat onto the dish, then shoved it in Albert’s face.

  “Here.”

  “Uhh…”

  “Here! Try it for me!”

  “Um, okay…”

  Albert, completely floored by the presence exuded by a woman less than half his height, reached out to take it.

  “Did your mother teach you to eat standing up? Get in here and sit down!!”

  “Y-yes, Chief!”

  Cowed by the nasal voice, Albert quickly sat by the hearth. Suzuno could barely keep up with this torrent of events, but Albert did his best, gingerly taking the meat-laden plate and the wood-hewn chopsticks. Wurs jerked her head forward, motioning at him to eat up. Unable to say no to the lord of every clan in the Northern Island, he took in a mouthful of the steaming meat.

  “How is it? You’re trying it for me, so you gotta say what you think of it.”

  “…Um.”

  Albert was just as confused as everyone else. This was the chief herder, the head of state in the Northern Island. And although he led the Mountain Corps at one point, Albert had exchanged only a few words with Dhin Dhem Wurs in his life. The Wurs and Ranga clans were far removed from each other on the social ladder, and in terms of their standings within their respective families—one way people up north judged each other—the pair couldn’t be further apart. But she wanted his opinion, and he needed to give it.

  “It’s good. Really takes me back. It’s a lot like what my grandma cooked for me as a kid.”

  “It is?” Albert’s whisper didn’t move Wurs an inch. Then, as flatly as ever:

  “I’ve put you through a lot, haven’t I.”

  Albert took a moment to chew over the observation before quickly replying:

  “…Well, it’s resulted in a lot of good memories.”

  “No, no, go ahead. Badmouth me a little.”

  “Hey, I’m a grown man. If my friends here saw me crying into the shoulder of someone old enough to be my grandma, I’d never live it down.”

  “Hmph. That’s not very nice… And by the way, how long are you bums gonna be standing there? Sit the heck down!”

  “Y-yes, Chief!”

  “E
r, do please excuse me.”

  “I would be glad to.”

  At the old lady’s orders, Suzuno sat politely on her knees by the fireplace; Rumack attempted to but gave up and crossed her legs; and Laila casually flopped on the floor.

  “Hohh! So you’re the Scythe of Death, eh? I figured you’d be some sly, stealthy old lady, but you’re still a young lass!”

  “A young… Ah, um, Chief Wurs, I am…”

  The preparation might be a bit different, but the results were pretty similar to what you’d get visiting a Mongolian barbecue place and going heavy on the spice. Suzuno was the only unfamiliar face to the chief herder, and it was only when she introduced herself that Dhin Dhem Wurs realized she carried out “holy work” for the Council of Inquisitors.

  “Listen, you eatin’ okay, young lady? I bet you ain’t. That’s why you’re all stumpy like that! You’re too busy doing a bunch of fuddy-duddy Church work to eat right!”

  “St-stumpy…?!”

  Suzuno took harsh criticism of the Church in stride at this point, but being called “stumpy” to her face made it hard to hide her shock.

  “Lidem,” Laila said, “Bell here is a very talented cook. I’ve enjoyed her food several times.”

  “Hah! Look at you! You couldn’t even drain the blood from a goat carcass without almost fainting! Some angel you are! Now, come on! If you stay all thin like that, you’ll turn into an ugly old Grim Reaper! Eat up! The meat, too, the meat!”

  “Ah, ahhhh, um, I have more than enough here…!”

  Suzuno could only stammer as a small mountain of goat meat (“the best part!”) rose up from her plate.

  “What’re you talking about? You’ve eaten the least out of all of us! You still look like a little girl because you’re skimping on the meat and fish, I tell you! Look at that midget of a court sorcerer on Saint Aile’s payroll! She’s living the high noble life and eating sweets all day, so she’s gonna be shrimpy her whole life! Just you watch! In a few years, she’s gonna plump up like a balloon!”

  Suzuno winced at the pile of meat, more than enough to give anyone heartburn. Wurs was too busy berating the eating habits of Emeralda, a woman she couldn’t have possibly had a connection to, to care. Suzuno was at the end of her rope.

  “And Hazel!”

  “Y-yes!”

  “You, on the other hand; you’re not a young lass any longer! You need to pick a drink and stick to it! The booze out west is all too sticky-sweet for me! Listen, lemme get some fresh fermented goat’s-milk liquor sent to you soon! If you wanna drink, that’ll be a lifelong friend to you, stick to that!”

  “I… I can’t say I like the fermented milk beverages of the North very much…”

  “Well, if you keep drinking what you got now, you’ll wind up with a big ol’ wine-barrel belly like your emperor! You better lay off the grape and mead and spirits before they stick you up on a shelf in the cellar!”

  “Hee-hee-hee! But Lidem, I remember your clan chief being livid with you after you stole some of that fermented milk and got cross-eyed drunk off it.”

  “Of course I did! When you’re a young Wurs, you gotta learn the difference between good and bad drink, or you’ll never be a grown-up. But look at you, Laila! It’s been sixty years! Have you learned how to keep your place clean yet? Don’t forget, the only reason they found out I stole that drink was because you lost the bottle I used to sneak it out!”

  “Whoa, whoa, Lidem…!”

  “Hmph! Judging by the body language from Stumpy Scythe over there, I’m assuming you’re as slobby as ever, huh?”

  “St… St-Stumpy Scythe?! Stumpy Scythe… That, really, that is just…”

  Suzuno knew that Wurs was only making fun of her nom de guerre, but her Japanese sensibilities told her that “Stumpy Scythe” sounded suspiciously like some cutesy character with its own cartoon and merchandising line. She cursed her body as she began stress-eating the meat on her plate.

  Dhin Dhem Wurs’s meddling and wheedling continued on for a considerable time to come, draining the energy from Suzuno and Rumack by the time all the food and veggies were cleaned from the griddle.

  “Oh, and also, I had some ground-meat sandwiches made for you, so take them home with you, all right? You need to eat healthy, you hear me, Stumpy Scythe? You too, Hazel!”

  ““Yes, Chief…””

  An afternoon spent slamming the younger generation made Dhin Dhem Wurs extremely self-satisfied. Adjusting her monocle, she turned to Laila.

  “So what did you need? Lighting that up out of nowhere…”

  “Oh, now you ask?”

  Albert barely had enough breath in him to snap back, his stomach full to the point of bursting.

  “Because you know, you gave that thing to me, then made me keep it on hand for the next sixty years without explanation.”

  The eye—or, that is, the monocle—she had pointed straight at Albert was festooned with a litany of fancy-looking jewels. It seemed like just the kind of garish fashion choice a woman like Wurs would enjoy. But it was only at this point that Suzuno and Albert spotted the light from one of the purplish jewels on the frame.

  “You’ve been taking good care of it, I see.”

  “Well, of course I have. It’s thanks to this thing that I’ve stayed chief herder all these years. It’s the only thing I have you to thank for over the past sixty years, let me tell you. But you know…”

  The eye on the other side of the lens glared at Laila.

  “Here we are, this ‘world-class danger’ you told me about, and now I’m too damned old to do anything about it, aren’t I? I can barely lift up a bow any longer. I had to force Adramelech’s army on that kid Ranga instead.”

  “That… Well, yes. I suppose I can’t blame you for seeing it that way. But Lidem, the real danger wasn’t the Devil King’s Army. It’s coming for us right now.”

  “Oh?”

  Wurs kept her eye on Laila, long enough for Suzuno to realize it was a Yesod fragment that was glowing on the monocle.

  “I suppose you aren’t lying, are you?”

  “Of course not.”

  “But perhaps it’s not true, and you just believe it is, is all.”

  “Oh, I assure you, it is. I was one of its causes, besides.”

  “Ohhh? And that isn’t a lie, either. So you came over here for the first time in sixty years to tell me that? I can’t wait to see what you’re gonna order me to do next.”

  It seemed easy for Wurs to sense whether Laila was telling the truth. She didn’t even bother to consult Albert about it.

  “In that case, let me cut to the chase. We need to borrow the magical spear the Great Demon General Adramelech left behind. I’d like to have it taken to the Central Continent, and if possible, I don’t want anyone besides you to know what we’ll use it for.”

  For the first time this afternoon, Suzuno noticed Wurs change her expression.

  “You’re serious?”

  First, it was surprise. Then, exasperation.

  “Don’t give me that nonsense. You know I could never do that.”

  “If you don’t, the human race is going to die out.”

  “Oh, so it’s war? And if Hazel and Stumpy Scythe are here, the West must be involved, eh? If you want it, pry it out of our hands. Otherwise, you can’t have it.”

  “Please, Lidem! Stop acting like a warlord! This is crucial!”

  “Shut up, you slope-headed angel! If I gave you that spear without hearing the reason for it just because I knew you as a kid, I’d have every clan beating the crap out of me! They’d strip my title on the spot! So get out of here before I grind you all up and turn you into stuffing for smoked goat’s intestines!”

  “Lidem! Please! It’s important!”

  “Ugh, this is ridiculous! You never did think anything through, and you still don’t! Look, whether the world’s ending tomorrow or not, there’re some lines you can’t cross! Now get out of my sight! Ranga! Take this bum back to the West for me, now!”


  “Lidemmmm! At least hear me out!”

  Laila pleaded like a little girl begging for candy. There was no one else in the restaurant, but it still looked absolutely pathetic.

  “You don’t have a single thought in your mind, do you?” admonished Rumack.

  Suzuno nodded. “And here I thought we could rely on Laila at least a little bit. I see my eyes have deceived me.”

  “Now I can see why people don’t want to believe in gods and angels, huh, Stum—er, Crestia…?”

  “General Rumack! You were about to call me ‘Stumpy Scythe’ just now! You were this close!”

  “I—I was not! I didn’t say it! I stopped midway!”

  “Yes, you stopped because you were saying it! I am filing a formal complaint with the Devil King’s Army!”

  “What, not the Church?! What’s happened to you?!”

  Suzuno teared up a bit, cheeks reddened, as she whined at Rumack, a woman a good head taller than her and more fully developed in pretty much every other way. Rumack did everything she could to defend herself. And Albert, the only man in the room, watched this fruitless argument between two of the highest-ranked women in the world and sighed.

  “…Can I go home yet?”

  “All right. I think I get the picture. You’re gonna go shoot a firecracker at the moon, huh?”

  The concept was massive enough to make any Ente Islan’s head swim, but Dhin Dhem Wurs didn’t bat an eye as she took it in.

  “Laila,” she said, turning toward her, “I think I do need to compliment you about just one thing here.”

  The chief herder supported her head with one hand. They had spent the ensuing hour keeping warm around the fireplace, the iron griddle trundled away now.

  “What’s that?”

  “The way you brought Ranga, Hazel, and Stumpy over. If you had come by yourself, I would’ve taken this as the West wanting the Spear for itself. By the next evening, I would’ve warned every clan about those spear thieves, it would’ve killed relations between the North and the West, and Hazel probably would’ve lost her post.”

  ““…””