Shadow Sister

by Simone Vlugt

  ‘One question,’ I say.

  ‘Yes?’

  ‘Do you really think that Lydia dominated me?’

  Thomas looks into my eyes. ‘Yes.’

  Of course he’s right. It’s not the first time it’s been said. But actually, Lydia’s domineering personality didn’t really bother me. It was always well intentioned and when it came down to it, I always did what I wanted. Some people interpreted my silence as submissiveness, but it wasn’t that bad.

  Lydia didn’t like Thomas or Sylvie, although I did my best to convince her that she was wrong. I tied myself in knots trying to keep them away from each other at my birthday parties. I defended one to the other and worried about everyone’s welfare but my own. I stayed friends with Thomas and Sylvie despite Lydia. I made my own decisions.

  What did Thomas say just now? That I’d become so used to taking Lydia into account that I don’t know what to do with my freedom?

  That was a nasty comment.

  Lydia

  26.

  ‘Do you feel like going into town?’

  It’s Saturday morning before ten, and I’m still wearing my dressing gown when Elisa calls.

  ‘I’m not even dressed, you madwoman.’ I yawn.

  ‘Not right this minute, this afternoon maybe,’ Elisa says. ‘Have you looked outside? The weather’s beautiful. Weather to sit out in. I think you need a bit of that.’

  The sun is shining in full force and I have to admit she’s right.

  ‘Raoul and I have to do the shopping first. Shall we meet at one?’

  ‘In front of De Bijenkorf?’ Elisa says.

  ‘See you there, sis.’

  I bump into Raoul on the landing, he’s already washed and shaved.

  ‘Who was that?’ he asks.

  ‘Elisa. We’re going shopping this afternoon.’

  Raoul frowns. ‘Shopping? But I have to go out this afternoon.’

  I walk past him into the bathroom and turn on the shower. ‘Where? You didn’t mention it before.’ I step under the warm stream and raise my face in enjoyment.

  Raoul stands in the bathroom doorway. ‘To the gym. I train every Saturday, remember?’

  ‘You haven’t been going recently. I thought you were going in the evenings instead,’ I shout above the sound of the splattering water.

  ‘That’s right, but I wanted to go at the weekends again as well.’

  I feel the storm coming and begin to feel miserable.

  ‘Go when I get back then.’

  ‘I can’t, I’ve arranged to go with someone.’

  ‘Me too, and I said it first so you look after Valerie.’

  ‘She can go with you and Elisa, can’t she?’

  ‘You can’t be serious,’ I scoff. ‘Have you ever tried going round the shops with a child of six? Why don’t you take Valerie with you now to the supermarket, so that I can go into town. I’ll give Elisa a quick call. What time do you want to go to the gym?’

  ‘Three o’clock,’ Raoul says.

  ‘We’ll be back before then. Is that all right?’

  ‘That’s not going to work. I’ve got to drop into a client’s beforehand.’

  I turn the shower off and open the cubicle doors. I don’t believe it. ‘On a Saturday?’

  ‘It’s a customer from abroad. He arrived late yesterday and is going to Germany this afternoon. If I don’t speak to him before then, I’ll forfeit a very good deal.’

  I wrap a towel around myself and observe Raoul silently.

  ‘What’s this customer called? Do I know him?’

  ‘No, he’s a new one. Ernst Riebe. He’s the owner of a big food manufacturing company. It would be really nice if we could get him on board, Lydia.’

  I dry myself and brush my hair, stark naked. I see only worry in Raoul’s eyes, not desire.

  ‘You say it like Software International will go bankrupt if you don’t get this contract.’

  ‘Things haven’t been going so well with the business recently, Lydia,’ Raoul says.

  I look at him, uneasy. ‘How bad is it?’

  ‘We can hold out for a while, but we do need a couple of big earners soon.’ Raoul sighs.

  ‘Why didn’t you tell me this before?’

  ‘I’m telling you now. And you’ve had other things to worry about the last few days.’

  My thoughts return to Bilal. The rest of the week passed without incident. It’s over, it’s in the past. He probably just wanted to get me back. Hopefully he thinks he’s even now and he’ll leave me alone. I’m going to have a nice time shopping this afternoon and no one is going to spoil it, not Bilal and not Raoul. On the other hand, if Software International isn’t going so well…I’ve never seen Raoul so worried.

  ‘Should I talk to my father? I’m sure he’d give the company a financial injection if worst comes to the worst.’

  ‘No,’ Raoul says abruptly.

  ‘Well, all right then.’ I walk past Raoul into the bedroom.

  ‘Off you go to your client then,’ I say as he watches me get dressed. ‘We’ll take Valerie with us. She does need some new clothes.’

  Raoul’s face brightens. He pulls me to him and kisses me. ‘What did I do to deserve such an understanding wife?’

  ‘As long as you appreciate it. And you realise that I’m going to have to go to the supermarket on my own as well now.’

  ‘I’ll cook tonight,’ Raoul says at once. ‘I’ll cook all week long.’

  ‘Deal,’ I say, because I really hate cooking. ‘Do you have time for a coffee?’

  ‘A quick one. I have to leave in fifteen minutes.’

  ‘In your jeans? Shouldn’t you wear a suit?’

  ‘Not on a Saturday,’ Raoul says. ‘Ernst Riebe isn’t that formal.’

  Only once we’ve had coffee and Raoul has left do I realise that Ernst Riebe may well be a casual dresser, but that would never have been sufficient reason for Raoul to go to a business appointment in jeans before.

  27.

  When we arrive at De Bijenkorf, Elisa’s waiting for us outside. I see her through the tram window, wearing dark green combat pants and a shirt in the same colour, as though she might be called up to defend her country at any moment.

  Shaking my head slightly, I take Valerie by the hand, cross the Coolsingel Canal and wave to Elisa. A tramp is talking to her, pulling up his trouser leg to show her an unsavoury bandage.

  ‘I don’t want to bother you, madam, and I don’t want to frighten you,’ I hear the beggar say, ‘but I can’t work and I wanted to ask you.’

  Elisa looks to me for assistance. I examine the fake blood colouring the bandage. ‘If you don’t want to bother anybody then don’t. You can see she’s frightened.’ I push two euros into his hand, link my arm through Elisa’s, grasp Valerie’s hand and lead them through the revolving doors of the department store. We walk into a world of refined perfumes and expensive sunglasses.

  ‘That wasn’t real blood, was it?’ Elisa wonders out loud.

  ‘Of course not, you could see that. Hello sis!’ We pause to give each other a kiss. ‘Do you mind that I brought along Valerie? Raoul had to go out so I didn’t have a choice.’

  ‘Of course not, what difference does it make?’ Elisa smiles down at Valerie’s blonde head. ‘Hey shrimp! You’ve got nice pigtails today,’ she says and Valerie smiles back.

  ‘I don’t think she’ll be able to handle too much shopping,’ I say.

  ‘Me neither,’ Elisa says. ‘I can hardly keep up with your pace either, so it’s a good thing Valerie has come along.’

  She winks at Valerie, who has heard every word, of course, and tries to return the wink, blinking with both eyes.

  ‘I need new clothes, Elisa,’ Valerie says. ‘Do you too?’

  ‘Not really, so we’ll do some nice shopping for you,’ Elisa answers.

  ‘And for Mummy,’ Valerie says.

  ‘Mummy doesn’t need anything either, she’s got wardrobes full of clothes,’ Elisa says. ‘That
way we’ll be done quickly! Shall we find a nice cafe right away?’

  ‘Yay!’ Valerie shouts, but I intervene.

  ‘Absolutely not, we’re going shopping first. And where do you get the idea you don’t need anything, Elisa? You haven’t got a stitch to wear. I always see you in those army pants.’

  Elisa shrugs her shoulders. ‘They’re comfortable.’

  I sigh and continue through the store with my daughter and sister trailing behind me. We take the first escalator and as we zoom upwards, I turn back to my sister. Suddenly, in a split second, I think I see Bilal downstairs among the shoppers. A grim face with dark eyes stares up at me. I’m so startled I have to cling to the rail, but when I try to get a better look, he’s vanished.

  ‘What is it?’ Elisa turns her head and follows my gaze.

  ‘Nothing.’ I recover quickly. There’s no reason that Bilal shouldn’t be in the Bijenkorf. It doesn’t have to mean anything.

  Two Muslim girls are walking towards us, covered from head to toe. One of them is wearing a pair of white linen harem trousers, combined with a pale-blue long-sleeved shirt and matching headscarf. The other has on a long pink flared skirt with a pink jacket, a white handbag from Guess and, of course, a matching headscarf. They look fresher, more modern and attractive than my sister.

  I nudge Elisa. ‘Shall we look for a skirt for you?’ I suggest. ‘You know what, Elisa, let’s give you a makeover! New make-up, a different hairstyle, a whole new look!’

  I look at my sister with excitement, but I can see that my enthusiasm isn’t infectious. But she’s not getting out of it that easily. It’s already quite an event that I’m in town with her, she really doesn’t like shopping. The only reason she called me this morning was to cheer me up after my horrible week. I appreciate it, but I’m also going to take shameless advantage of it.

  As soon as we arrive at the fashion floor, I set off towards the racks of a collection I’d personally kill for. I pull everything out and hold it in front of me, so that Elisa can see how well it would suit her. That’s the advantage of having an identical twin.

  ‘I never wear that kind of thing.’ Elisa looks dubiously at the pink and orange patterned skirt.

  ‘Then start now.’ I pull a matching sweater from the rack and push her towards the changing room.

  ‘Lydia!’ Elisa protests.

  ‘You could try it on at least.’

  Elisa disappears, sighing, into the cubicle. ‘This sweater is far too tight,’ I hear her complaining.

  I lean against the wall next to the curtain, determined not to let her escape. ‘That’s because you always wear baggy clothes.’

  Elisa comes out. She looks so sunny and feminine that even Valerie claps her hands in delight.

  ‘I think pink and orange is pretty,’ Valerie says, stroking the soft fabric with one finger.

  ‘Oh, is that what you think, shrimp?’ Elisa asks. ‘I feel like one of your Barbie dolls.’

  ‘You look fantastic,’ I say. ‘Come on, let’s pay. Pull the tickets off, then you can keep it on.’

  Elisa makes a move to return to the cubicle and take everything off again, but I bend down and with a couple of quick jerks, pull the tickets off and hurry with them to the till.

  ‘Lydia!’ Elisa cries.

  Of course, Elisa still disappears into the changing room and comes out again in her camouflage trousers, but I’ve already paid.

  ‘Call it a gift,’ I say as we go towards the escalator, ‘and don’t give me such a nasty look. You looked terrific.’

  ‘Mummy, I need to pee,’ Valerie says.

  ‘Can you hang on, otherwise we’ll have to go all the way upstairs.’ I help my daughter off the escalator. ‘You can go to the toilet in McDonald’s.’

  ‘Are we going to McDonald’s?’ Valerie asks in delight.

  ‘Just to pee. We’re going to buy clothes for you now.’ I lead her towards the exit. Elisa follows, frowning, the bag containing her new clothes in her hand.

  ‘Can I have an ice-cream?’ Valerie asks.

  I promise her that we’ll sit outside the Italian ice-cream parlour once we’ve finished and she can choose something big, but of course that’s not enough. Valerie insists that she needs an ice-cream right now, at once. I ignore her and slow down until Elisa has caught up with us.

  ‘Do you still need shoes?’ I ask her.

  It’s a rhetorical question because of course she needs shoes to go with the new skirt. Open shoes for when the weather’s nice and boots for when it’s cooler.

  ‘We could have a quick look in Manfield. I saw some lovely orangey-brown leather boots in the window recently. They’d go perfectly. I’ve already tried them on, so you’d only have to pay.’

  ‘And to like them, perhaps?’ Elisa says. She’s not usually sarcastic.

  ‘You will like them,’ I assure her.

  When we get to Manfield, I point to the dream boots in the window display. The leather is soft and smooth, they have a slender heel, nicely finished.

  ‘They are nice,’ Elisa admits. ‘Perfect for you. I don’t like heels, I can’t walk in them.’

  ‘But the heels are so low! You’d just have to get used to them.’ I pull Elisa into the shop.

  The saleswoman who has been discreetly observing us, comes forward. ‘Can I help you?’

  ‘She’d like those boots in a size 39,’ I say. ‘She doesn’t need to try them on.’

  I set off towards the till, followed by Elisa, who is hissing at me that she doesn’t want the boots, and that she’s not going to buy them.

  ‘I’ll buy them for myself then.’

  As we leave with the shoebox, I say, ‘If you ever want to borrow them, just say so.’

  Of course, I have no intention of keeping the boots. At the first opportunity, I’ll leave them at Elisa’s house, perhaps even this afternoon.

  Elisa shakes her head, half in exhaustion, half in amusement. ‘Shall we go and get a drink?’

  ‘Let’s go to Bambino’s first,’ I say. ‘It’s really close, otherwise we’ll have to walk all the way back here.’

  As soon as Valerie hears the word Bambino’s she begins to complain that she’s got ‘tried legs’ and she needs to pee. I promise her that we’ll only go into one shop and that’s all, but Valerie shakes her head so that her pigtails swirl round and round. I bribe her by promising her the newest Barbie, Cali Girl. Valerie follows me into the shop.

  28.

  In retrospect we’d have been better off stopping at a cafe right away. Getting a six-year-old into new clothes is always difficult, but a six-year-old who doesn’t like trying on clothes at the best of times and who is highly sensitive to my own irritation about Elisa’s behaviour…But if I quickly kit Valerie out now, we won’t have to do this again for a while. That’s what I keep telling myself. So we go into Bambino’s.

  Elisa and I gather together a few things for my daughter and go into the changing rooms. Despite the promise of being the owner of Cali Girl shortly, Valerie doesn’t behave. She doesn’t want that itchy jumper, she wants a top that shows off her navel.

  ‘You’re not getting a tiny top. You’re six, not sixteen. You need a couple of T-shirts and you need a jumper for when it’s colder.’ I force a T-shirt over Valerie’s head. ‘Look what a pretty colour. Pink’s your favourite, isn’t it?’

  ‘No, I hate pink!’ the smothered Valerie says, the T-shirt already halfway back over her head.

  ‘Put your arms into the holes.’

  ‘It prickles!’

  ‘That’s not possible, there’s no wool in it. It’s a hundred per cent cotton.’ I grab the yellow summer trousers that go with it and hold them up to Valerie. ‘Step into these.’

  ‘Mummy, I need to pee.’

  I know that trick. Unfortunately for Valerie I’m not going to fall for it. She becomes redder and more peevish while I do my best to get her leg into a yellow trouser leg.

  ‘Are you all right?’ Elisa pokes her head around the corn
er of the cramped cubicle.

  ‘I’m desperate!’ Valerie cries.

  ‘I think she really needs to go,’ Elisa says in concern.

  Flustered, I glance at Valerie and her anxious face tells me that we indeed do need to find a toilet. I pull her leg out of the yellow trousers again, let her step back into her skirt and try to convince her that it doesn’t matter if she doesn’t wear her vest to look for a toilet.

  I come out of the changing room with a sobbing child and hurry to the till.

  ‘I’m sorry to interrupt,’ I say in an apologetic tone to the saleswoman as much as to the customer at the till, ‘but could she please use your toilet?’

  The saleswoman looks at Valerie, who has turned red from holding in her pee.

  ‘I’m sorry, but the toilet isn’t for customer use, we can’t make any exceptions,’ she says.

  I look at her in disbelief. ‘You can see she’s desperate!’

  ‘I’m sorry,’ the saleswoman says, though it’s obvious she’s not.

  ‘I spend hundreds of euros on clothes here every year,’ I snarl at her. ‘What fantastic customer service! Come on, Valerie, we’ll have to run.’

  I have a fleeting wish that Valerie will let everything out here, in front of the till, but she’s much too well behaved for that. She’d rather die than let a drop leak out.

  ‘We’ll be back in a sec,’ I say to Elisa and dash to a small diner down the street where I take Valerie out the back and put her on the toilet. The door has a large sign on it: ‘Use of toilet: 1 euro. Paying customers, free.’

  ‘One euro? Are they completely crazy?’

  Valerie sits on the toilet, her legs dangling. I don’t hear much happening so I ask her if she’s finished.

  ‘I suddenly don’t need to anymore, Mummy.’

  ‘What do you mean, you suddenly don’t need to? You were desperate!’

  ‘Yes, but the pee has gone away now.’

  ‘Did you pee your pants?’ I check them and her shoes, but they’re dry.

  ‘No, it’s gone. That’s funny, isn’t it?’

  ‘Yes, it’s very funny. Have you been joking with Mummy?’