by Kate Hardy
It had to be.
She drove to the city, parked, bought the test, and headed for the public toilets in the library building. Thankfully it was too early for it to be busy, so she didn’t feel guilty about staying in the cubicle while she waited for the test to finish working.
According to the packaging, she’d have the results within three minutes. She’d bought a digital one so there could be no mistake, no squinting at the little screen to see if there was a faint line.
The hour-glass symbol flashed at her to let her know that the test was working. But the seconds seemed to stretch on and on. How was it that time could fly by while she was at the beach with her dog, yet now it dragged? She kept staring at the screen, willing it to change and willing it to tell her what she needed to know.
Three minutes of limbo.
Three minutes that went on and on and on.
Three minutes of...
Pregnant.
Adrenalin flooded through her, making her hands shake, and she dropped the test stick.
When she picked it up again there was a figure on the line below the words: 3+—meaning that it was more than three weeks since conception. Which tied in with what she’d half suspected: she’d become pregnant the day of Ginny’s death. When she’d thought she was celebrating life with Ben, they were actually making a new life together.
What now?
What now?
The question echoed like a heartbeat.
Sitting there locked in a public toilet cubicle wasn’t going to help. She’d have to face this and think about the possible ways forward.
Carefully, she slid the test back inside the box, then replaced the box in her handbag.
One foot in front of the other.
She washed her hands, then walked down to the cathedral. Maybe here she could get her thoughts together. She went over to the huge openwork metal globe where a couple of candles were already lit, put some money into the offering box and lit a candle for her mother, her father, her grandmother and Ginny. The huge, soaring space of the building helped to still some of the turbulence in her head; she walked quietly over to the door that led to the cloisters, and then out into the green space in the centre where the labyrinth lay.
Walking a labyrinth was a good way to meditate. Putting one foot in front of the other, following the twists and turns of the pattern and knowing it was a continuous path rather than having dead ends to baffle her, helped. And, by the time she reached the centre, her thoughts had settled enough that she knew what she wanted to do.
This baby was hers and Ben’s. Toni understood now the bittersweetness that Stacey must have faced during her pregnancy with Scarlett, knowing that their parents and their grandmother weren’t there with them physically to cuddle the baby and share their joy. But at the same time she knew she’d see bits of them in her baby, just as she saw them in her niece Scarlett—a smile, an expression, the curve of her face. Little traits that went from generation to generation, love that was passed down through the years. And they’d always be there in her heart.
One thing was for definite: although this baby wasn’t planned, it was wanted. She was going to keep it.
And she wanted to share the baby with Ben. He was the kind of man she knew she could trust, who would be there to support her dreams, and he would always be there in the tough times. More than that, he made her heart beat faster, made her feel as if the sun was shining even on a drizzly day. He was nothing like the selfish egotists she’d dated in the past.
But how would he feel about an unplanned pregnancy?
He’d been here before, and it had all gone horribly wrong.
This time round, the situation was a little different. He knew she wasn’t seeing anyone else, and he’d know for sure that he was the father. But this pregnancy was still going to bring back bad memories for him—memories of rejection and loss.
She had absolutely no idea how he’d react. She knew he’d wanted to make a family; he’d told her that he’d been broody and looked forward to being a father. Had that changed, because of Karen’s affair? Would he see this as a second chance, a way for everything to be right, this time round? Or would it totally mess with his head? Would it heal the hurt, or make it worse?
She’d have to find the right words to tell him.
What if he didn’t want to make a family with her?
Toni dragged in a breath. Stacey and Nick would be there for her, she knew, and she was sure that Jessie would want to be involved in the life of her niece or nephew.
But Ben...
It was the one area where she wasn’t quite sure of him. He’d want to do the right thing, she was sure—but the personal cost might be too high. She didn’t want to hurt him, but she was scared that this might be the point where it would all go wrong between them.
She sat in the cathedral grounds for a while longer, taking strength from its peace and serenity. And then she drove back to Great Crowmell in time for her afternoon shift. Though before she saw her first patient she texted Ben.
Can you meet me outside Scott’s after work, please? We need to talk.
CHAPTER TEN
Can you meet me outside Scott’s after work, please? We need to talk.
BEN STARED AT the message Toni had sent him.
He had the strongest feeling that something was wrong, but he had no idea what. Clearly it was something big enough for her to want to talk about it face to face.
Yes, sure, he texted back.
He’d thought that things were going well between them, that they’d grown closer since their weekend in Vienna, but had he been deluding himself? Had she changed her mind? Even though he tried to ignore it, the thought went through his mind: was it anything to do with the text she’d received from Sean and never mentioned? Was he making a fool of himself all over again?
He focused on his patients for the rest of the afternoon, putting his worries in the back of his head, but the worries all rushed back when he arrived in the car park outside Scott’s Café and Toni was sitting on one of the benches without Archie.
She never came to the beach without her dog.
Had something happened to the dog? No, surely not. She wouldn’t have said they needed to talk. She would’ve told him if Archie was ill or hurt—or worse.
‘Hi. Where’s Archie?’ he asked.
‘At home. I came straight here from work.’
So whatever the problem was, he was pretty sure now that it was about them.
‘Want to walk?’ he asked.
She nodded, and they headed out to the dunes—but she didn’t hold his hand, the way she had done for the last couple of weeks or so. And he had a nasty feeling that if he tried to hold her hand right now, she’d pull away. It was as if there was some kind of invisible force-field round her, keeping him at a distance. She didn’t talk, either. This really, really wasn’t like her.
When they got to the dunes, he stopped and looked her in the eye. ‘What’s wrong, Toni?’
Her beautiful grey eyes were filled with anguish, and she took a deep breath. ‘There isn’t an easy way to say this.’
She wanted to call a halt to their relationship? So he’d been right to be paranoid, and that text from her ex really had been the beginning of the end. It felt as if he’d been sucker-punched, but he wasn’t a coward. ‘Tell me straight, then,’ he said, trying to keep his voice as neutral as possible so he didn’t put any pressure on her.
He was expecting to hear the words ‘I can’t do this any more,’ or ‘it’s not working’; what she said instead shocked him so much that he couldn’t quite take it in. Had she really just told him that, or had he misheard?
‘What did you just say?’ he asked, needing her to repeat it so it would sink in properly.
‘I’m pregnant,’ she said.
It felt as if all the air had been sucked ou
t of his lungs.
He’d been here before and it had ended so badly. He knew Toni hadn’t been dating someone else secretly, but he could still remember seeing the anguish on Karen’s face and hearing the words tumble out, the horrible truth. A little voice in his head whispered, Here we go all over again. How do you know you can trust her? How do you know that text was innocent when she’s never talked to you about it?
He shoved the thoughts away and tried to focus on the facts.
Toni was pregnant.
With his baby.
How could it have happened, when they’d taken precautions?
Well, of course he knew the science of it. He was a GP. He knew that there was always a tiny chance that contraception would fail, even if you were careful. The only one hundred per cent guaranteed form of contraception was abstinence.
Right at that moment, he didn’t know what to say. What to do. His brain just wasn’t functioning. There weren’t any words in his head, just white noise: as if it had suddenly become winter and a storm had sent the waves crashing onto the shore.
But he had to say something. He couldn’t just stand here in silence, watching her wilt visibly before him.
He opened his mouth, intending to ask her if she was all right, but what came out was, ‘I need time to think.’
* * *
Toni thought she’d prepared herself mentally for Ben having difficulty with her news, but she really hadn’t. That wasn’t just shock on his face, it was absolute horror.
He was going to let his past get in the way of his future. What had happened to him was horrible, yes, but she’d never given him any reason to think she would cheat on him. And she really resented the fact that he was treating her as if she’d behaved in the same way as his ex, when she hadn’t.
Which meant that she’d managed, yet again, to pick Mr Wrong. He didn’t want to make a family with her. She’d fallen for someone who didn’t want her. Someone who’d maybe seen her as his transition partner rather than his for ever partner. And who wasn’t ready even to talk, let alone have a real relationship. She was going to have to be brave.
She took a deep breath and willed her face and her voice to stay as neutral as possible. She wasn’t going to let him know how much this hurt. ‘OK. You need time to think. I’ll give you that. Call me when you’re ready to discuss things.’
And then she turned away before he could see the tears filming in her eyes, folded her arms round herself, and began to walk away from him.
One foot in front of the other.
She could do this. She was strong. She’d survived worse emotional trauma in the past.
But, oh, this hurt. A deep, visceral pain of rejection.
* * *
You need time to think. I’ll give you that.
The words echoed in Ben’s head, over and over again.
Toni was walking away from him, just as Karen had. Except it wasn’t the same thing at all. Karen had walked away because she’d fallen in love with his best friend; Toni was walking away because he’d pushed her away.
That wasn’t what he wanted.
At all.
But it felt as if the beach had turned into set concrete, and he was stuck there. Worse still, it was as if someone had superglued his lips together. He couldn’t open his mouth to call out to her, to ask her to wait. All he could do was watch her walking quickly away. And he hated himself for it.
Time seemed to stop.
Eventually he made a decision. He couldn’t stay here. He needed to get away and think. To go home to London and take stock.
He took his phone from his pocket and called Ranjit. The head of the practice was sympathetic, and promised to sort out a locum to cover Ben’s absence.
His next call was to his sister.
‘I’m heading out to my aerobics class,’ she said, ‘but I’ll be back by the time you get here. Of course you can stay. Stay as long as you like.’ She paused. ‘What’s happened?’
‘Tell you when I see you,’ Ben said.
‘OK. Drive safely.’
‘I will,’ he promised.
He drove home and packed a bag.
And then, just before he left, he texted Toni.
Sorry. I’m going back to London. I’ll call you.
Once he’d got his head straight. He felt bad about hurting her, but he needed to think, and he couldn’t do that here.
* * *
Selfish, stubborn and stupid.
That was Ben Mitchell.
How could he think that it was history repeating itself? How?
Toni wanted to grab his shoulders and shake him until his teeth rattled. Though she knew it wouldn’t make him any more likely to talk to her.
And the text he’d just sent her made her even angrier. Sorry? If he was really sorry, he wouldn’t be walking away from her in the first place. He wouldn’t be going back to London. And he certainly wouldn’t be vague. I’ll call you. When? This year, next year, sometime, never?
What was very clear was that she’d been very wrong indeed about Ben Mitchell and commitment. He didn’t want to commit to her and their baby. Yet again, she’d picked Mr Wrong.
‘You selfish, stubborn, stupid man,’ she said through gritted teeth, and Archie woofed softly as if in agreement.
* * *
On the way back to London, Ben’s phone rang; the display on the car’s hands-free system told him it was his sister. Thinking she was probably wanting to know what time he was likely to arrive, he answered, ‘Hi, Jessie.’
‘Ben.’ Her voice was high and breezy with panic. ‘Are you still coming? It’s Josh. He—he—he’s in hospital.’
‘Hospital?’ Ben repeated, shocked. ‘What’s happened?’
‘Kit gave him his dinner and then he just went red and stopped breathing. Kit called the ambulance and gave him CPR. The paramedic said it was anaphylactic shock. Oh, God, Ben. What if he—if he...?’ She couldn’t get the word out.
He knew what was going through her head. What if baby Josh died? ‘He’s going to be fine,’ he said reassuringly. ‘Many, many more infants survive anaphylaxis than die from it. Plus he’s in hospital, so he’s in the right place if there’s another emergency. I know it’s frightening, but I promise you the stats are all on your side. I’m about halfway to London now—tell me which hospital you’re in and I’ll let you know when I’m close.’
Her words were barely coherent but he worked out that she was at Muswell Hill Memorial Hospital.
‘I’ll be there soon. Is Kelly with you?’
‘No. Kit’s mum met us at the hospital and took her home.’
‘That’s good. And Kit’s with you?’
‘Yes. He came in the ambulance with Josh and Kelly. Oh, God, Ben, if I hadn’t gone to aerobics tonight—’
‘It would still have happened,’ he told her gently. ‘I’ll be there soon. I love you and it’s going to be fine, Jessie. I promise it’s going to be fine.’
Anaphylactic shock. That meant Josh had a severe allergy to something. It had happened after Kit gave him his dinner, so the most likely culprits were nuts, milk, eggs or shellfish. And Ben could give his sister and brother-in-law all kinds of advice to help them keep Josh safe in the future.
It felt as if it took for ever to get to London, but when the satnav said he was fifteen minutes away from the hospital he used the car’s hands-free system to text Jessie that he was nearly there. Finally he parked the car and headed for the Emergency Department.
‘My nephew, Josh Harford, was brought in with anaphylactic shock this evening. I’ve driven straight here from Norfolk. Can you tell me if he’s still in your department, please?’ Ben asked the receptionist.
She checked for him. ‘He’s just been moved to the children’s ward,’ she said, and directed him to the paediatric department.
That w
as a good sign: it meant the baby was out of immediate danger, though Josh would probably be kept in overnight for observation and maybe for most of the next day.
At the paediatric department, the reception team directed him to Josh’s bedside.
He rounded the corner and saw them in the little bay: Jessie and Kit with their arms wrapped around each other, and their free hands clearly holding Josh’s.
‘How’s Josh doing?’ Ben asked. ‘And how are you both holding up?’
‘Oh, Ben.’ Jessie dissolved into sobs and he held her close, resting one hand on Kit’s shoulder for comfort and support.
‘It was all my fault,’ Kit said. ‘I gave him scrambled egg for his dinner. I thought it’d be nice and soft because he’s been teething, and... Oh, God. Then he went red round the mouth and his face started swelling up, and he was having trouble breathing.’ Kit was shaking. ‘Thank God that work sent me on that first aid course the other month. I rang 999 and, by the time I’d done that, he was unconscious and I had to give him CPR. I thought we were going to lose him. I thought our baby was going to die.’ Kit dragged a hand through his hair. ‘I’m never going to forgive myself.’
‘You weren’t to know that he was allergic,’ Ben told him. ‘I’m assuming the paramedics gave him an injection of adrenalin?’
‘And an oxygen mask, and a drip,’ Kit said.
‘That was all to help him breathe and sort out his blood pressure,’ Ben said, reassuring him. ‘I’m guessing Josh is going to be in here overnight and possibly tomorrow for observation.’
‘I think that’s what they said,’ Kit said. He raked his hand through his hair again. ‘Nothing the nurses tell us stays in my head, and they’re so busy I can’t keep bothering them. I just see Josh there and it’s like a fog. I don’t know what to do.’
Reassurance, Ben thought. That was what they needed. Reassurance.
‘You’re going to be just fine, aren’t you, Josh?’ he said gently.
The baby was asleep, but Ben was happy with the figures he could see on the machine next to the bed. ‘I know right now it feels like the end of the universe, but Josh is in the right place and you’re all going to get through this. I know what all those figures mean on that machine and I promise you it’s all good.’