by Kate Hardy
He could see Jessie and Kit both visibly relax as he spoke. ‘Sit down,’ he said, ‘and I’ll talk you through everything.’ He held their hands. ‘Ask me to repeat anything I say if you can’t remember. It’s fine. And I’ll write it all down for you in a minute,’ he told them. ‘OK. Egg is one of the big four foods that can cause severe allergic reactions in children. The very first time Josh ate something with egg in it, he might have had a milder reaction to it. Given the age he is, the red face and swelling could look like normal teething symptoms rather than an allergic reaction,’ he said.
‘But this time, when he ate the egg, his immune system recognised the allergen and overreacted big-time. Hence the rash, the swelling and the breathing difficulties. He’ll be fine, and before he leaves here the team will give you an auto-injector with adrenalin that you’ll need to keep with him all the time, and a written emergency plan so anyone who might be looking after him knows what to do if it happens again.’
‘Oh, my God. Are you telling me this could happen again?’ Jessie asked, looking terrified. ‘He could stop breathing like that and his heart could stop again?’
‘If he accidentally eats something containing the allergen, then yes, his system will overreact to it again,’ Ben said. ‘But if that does happen then you’ll know exactly what to do. And you’ll have the adrenalin to use straight away, so it won’t be quite as scary. When you leave here, you’ll be given an appointment with your GP or an allergy specialist, and they’ll do some tests to confirm that Josh is allergic to eggs and to check his reaction to any other of the big allergens, too. And your GP can give you advice on how to help Josh avoid allergens in future.’ He paused. ‘Actually, I can do that. I’ve got leaflets I give to my patients. I’ll print out some copies at your place tonight, so anyone who looks after Josh will have the information to hand, too.’
‘I’m so scared, Ben,’ Jessie said, her teeth chattering.
‘Of course you are. It’s terrifying, seeing your baby lying there with an oxygen mask. But it’s going to be all right. They know what’s wrong and they know how to treat him. Josh isn’t going to die. He’s going to recover from this.’ He looked at Kit. ‘You’re both going to have to be really strict about the food he eats, but he’ll be fine. Anaphylaxis is seriously scary, and I can’t imagine what a nightmare it must be to have to give your own baby CPR.’
‘It...’ Kit was shivering. ‘I thought he’d die.’
‘But you gave him CPR. You saved his life,’ Ben said.
‘You saved him, Kit,’ Jessie echoed. ‘If it wasn’t for you, he would have died.’
‘But I was the one who gave him the egg in the first place—the thing that made him nearly die.’
‘You weren’t to know. It could just have easily been me,’ Jessie said.
‘Or anyone else who looked after Josh. Your parents, mine, a family friend.’ Ben looked at them. ‘And I bet neither of you has eaten anything tonight.’
‘I couldn’t face anything,’ Kit said.
‘Me neither,’ Jessie admitted. ‘And I haven’t put the sheets on the spare bed for you or—’
‘It’s fine,’ Ben cut in gently. ‘Josh is going to get through this, but I’m guessing neither of you want to leave him for a second, so I’m going to go and get you both something to eat and a hot drink. No arguments. You need to keep your strength up so you can support Josh.’ And each other, he thought.
When he got back from the canteen with sandwiches and hot drinks, Kit and Jessie were clinging together, watching their infant as he slept.
‘I know neither of you normally takes sugar, but right now I think you need it,’ Ben said, handing them in the drinks. ‘Josh is doing just fine. I want you to eat and drink now. No arguments.’ He tried for humour. ‘Doctor’s orders.’
They’d both lost the grey tinge of anxiety, he was glad to notice.
It took him two hours, but eventually he persuaded Jessie to let him drive her home. And she only agreed because Kit was staying with Josh and because Ben pointed out that at least one of them needed to get some decent sleep to support Josh when he was discharged next day.
Ben sorted out the spare room, making Jessie go and rest even though he suspected she wouldn’t sleep very much. It took him a long time to get to sleep, too, because the way Kit and Jessie had been together in a crisis had really made Ben think about what he wanted from life. He wanted the same warmth and closeness and utter trust in each other—true love.
And he wanted it with the mother of his baby. The woman he’d treated incredibly badly because he’d let his past get in the way. Of course that text was innocent. She hadn’t told him about it because Sean meant nothing to her any more. Ben knew he’d been incredibly stupid and hurtful, and he needed to make amends.
It was too late to call her now, but he’d call her tomorrow. Or, better still, he’d go back to Norfolk and have that conversation face to face. Because being here in a familiar bit of London, just round the corner from the place he’d called home for so long, had made him realise that this wasn’t home any more.
Norfolk was home.
With Toni.
If she’d give him the chance to make it up to her.
* * *
The next morning, he drove Jessie to pick up Kelly from Kit’s parents, then took them to the hospital to see Josh. The baby was sitting on his dad’s lap, bright-eyed, and he gurgled with joy when he saw his mum—setting Jessie in tears again, but this time they were happy tears.
Finally, just after lunch, Josh was discharged, and Ben drove them all home. He stayed long enough to be sure they’d settled in and would call him if they had the slightest worry, then headed back to Norfolk.
Ben knew Toni would be at work. It wouldn’t be fair to call her and have a conversation at the surgery, but he definitely needed to talk to her. To apologise.
In the end, he texted her.
Coming back from London. Please can we talk this evening?
She still hadn’t replied by the time he was almost back in Great Crowmell and he stopped off at a shop to buy flowers.
He couldn’t blame her for being angry with him. He hadn’t been fair to her; he’d let her down when she’d needed him most.
Would she give him a chance to explain, or would he end up making everything worse?
In the end he drove straight to her house. Her car was parked outside, and the windows were open, so he was pretty sure that she was home.
He rang the doorbell.
A couple of minutes later, she opened the door; she stared at him, but said nothing. And there was a world of hurt in her eyes.
‘I’m sorry,’ he said, and tried to give her the flowers.
She leaned against the doorjamb with her arms folded, refusing to accept them. ‘You’re sorry.’ Her voice was completely neutral and he didn’t have a clue what was in her head.
‘I’m sorry for a lot of reasons. I’m sorry I hurt you, I’m sorry I wasn’t supportive when I should’ve been, and I’m sorry I was such an idiot,’ he said. ‘I let the past get in my way, and I shouldn’t have done.’
‘Yes. Because I’m not Karen. I’ve never even met your best friend—ex-best friend, whatever you want to call him—let alone had a fling with him.’
‘I know.’ He took a deep breath. ‘I’m ashamed of myself. I should have supported you properly. What you told me was a shock, but it must’ve been a shock to you as well.’
‘Uh-huh.’ She didn’t move.
‘Can I come in?’ he asked. ‘Please?’
‘Yes,’ she said. ‘But, just so we’re clear, giving me flowers isn’t what I want. It’s not about gifts and throwing money at a problem—that’s the sort of thing that Sean would’ve done.’
‘Sean.’ He was going to have to admit to that, too.
She stood aside and let him walk into her kitchen. Archie
was there, but he didn’t rush up and bounce about, the way he usually would. He stayed in his bed, looking mournful, and Ben felt even more guilty.
‘These aren’t a proper apology,’ he said. ‘I bought them because I know you like flowers.’ Sweet-smelling stocks, roses and gerbera; to his relief, this time she accepted the flowers, but she didn’t put them in water. She placed them on the draining board, folded her arms and looked at him.
‘The apology...’ He blew out a breath. ‘I hardly know where to start. I’m completely in the wrong.’
‘Yes.’
She wasn’t going to make this easy for him; then again, he didn’t deserve it to be easy.
‘I let my past get in the way,’ he said again.
‘And I don’t understand why.’
‘Because of Sean.’
She frowned. ‘What about Sean?’
‘He texted you.’
Her frown deepened. ‘And you think a text equates to having a fling?’
‘No, of course it doesn’t. But I couldn’t stop myself wondering why you didn’t mention it to me.’
‘Because there wasn’t anything to mention.’ She shook her head in what he guessed was a mixture of frustration and exasperation. ‘Why didn’t you ask me about it, if you were that worried?’
He squirmed. ‘Because I thought I was being paranoid and ridiculous.’
‘You were being paranoid and ridiculous.’ She rolled her eyes. ‘I have no idea why he texted me. His text asked me to call him and said he missed me, which is utter rubbish. I thought either he’d texted me by mistake, or he was trying to schmooze me, because maybe he needed a plus-one at some event to help boost his career and he thought I might help him out—and, by the way, if that’d been the case I would’ve said no. I texted him to say I assumed he’d messaged me by mistake, and he never replied.’
‘Seeing as I’m being ridiculous and paranoid, I might as well say the rest of it.’ He had nothing else to lose. ‘Why would you still have his number in your phone?’
A muscle worked in her cheek. ‘Because,’ she said, ‘I changed my phone a couple of months before I met you. The phone shop transferred all my data across for me, and something went wrong so they ended up duplicating all my contacts. They said it’s something to do with the way numbers are stored on a phone and on a SIM card and they couldn’t fix it. I’d just have to delete the numbers I didn’t want any more. I must’ve deleted his number off one of them but not the other, so when the techies messed up my data it ended up back in the list. I meant to tidy everything up but it’s one of those jobs I kept putting off.’
The explanation was simple and completely plausible, and Ben felt even worse. ‘Sorry.’
‘And now you can give me a good reason why I shouldn’t ask you to leave.’
‘Because I’m an idiot,’ he said, ‘and because I need you.’ That wasn’t enough. He owed her total honesty. ‘This scares me stupid, Toni, but I love you. My world’s a much better place with you in it. I should’ve told you that when you told me about the baby, instead of letting everything get in the way and stomping off to London. And I wanted to tell you last night when I got back from the hospital—’
‘Hang on. Hospital?’ she interrupted.
‘Josh ended up in the emergency department. Kit gave him egg and it turns out he’s allergic to them. He had anaphylaxis,’ Ben explained.
She looked shocked. ‘Is he all right now? How are Jessie and Kit?’
Typical Toni. He’d hurt her and she had every right to be furious with him, yet she was putting other people first. ‘He’s fine. He’s home now. Jessie and Kit are a bit wobbly but they’re getting there. I gave them the anaphylaxis leaflet from the surgery so they’ve got everything written down, and I said I’d go with them to Josh’s appointment with the allergy team because it’ll be a lot to take in.’
‘I’m glad he’s OK,’ she said.
‘I’m so sorry I hurt you,’ he said. ‘Can I rewind to yesterday and say what I should have said? What I want to say.’
She looked wary. ‘OK. But I’m still reserving the right to throw you out.’
‘Absolutely,’ he said. ‘The news was a huge shock, but I shouldn’t have said what I did. I should’ve thanked you for being brave enough to tell me so soon, because I’m guessing you’d only just found out, too, and it was a huge shock to you as well. And I want to apologise again, just in case I say anything over the next few minutes that hurts you, because I’d never want to do that. What’s important is you. Are you all right?’
Then her face crumpled and she started to cry. Archie rushed over to her, shoving his nose into her hand in a gesture of doggy comfort. And Ben took a risk—he closed the distance between them and wrapped his arms tightly round her, holding her close, until she’d stopped shaking. Then he wiped away her tears with the pad of his thumb. ‘Tell me about the baby,’ he said softly. ‘How did you find out?’
‘I couldn’t face my coffee at breakfast and my breasts felt sore. And then I counted back and realised my last period was eight weeks ago.’ She dragged in a breath. ‘Wednesday was my morning off, and it’s school holidays so we didn’t have reading group. I drove to the city to buy a pregnancy test and did it in the loos at the library.’
So nobody locally would know or guess.
‘I think... I think it must’ve happened the day Ginny died. When we...’ She bit her lip. ‘I can’t remember if we used a condom.’
The first time, at his house, they had. But in the middle of the night, when he’d been curled round her in her bed... ‘I can’t remember, either,’ he admitted. ‘I just wanted to comfort you. The rest of it’s a blur.’
‘I know the baby wasn’t planned. And I know this must be hard for you, because of what happened with your ex.’
‘That was a totally different situation. And I know I let that get in the way, but I had time to think about it yesterday and realised what an idiot I was being.’ He stroked her face. ‘Have you had time to start coming to terms with it? Any idea about what you want to do? Because, whatever you want, whatever you need, I’ll support you. No pressure. You’re the one who’s important here, Toni, and I’ll be guided by you.’
‘Thank you.’ She swallowed hard. ‘I want to keep the baby. I’m clear on that. But I know this is going to be hard for you.’
‘What’s harder,’ he said, ‘is knowing that I hurt you, and I promise I’ll never do that again. I should’ve just asked you. Been honest with you about what was in my head.’
‘I’d never cheat on you.’
‘I know. And I’ll do my best to give you everything you need. I’ll support you through every step of your pregnancy. Every bit of morning sickness, every single antenatal appointment, and I’ll be right by your side all the way. Even when you’re in transition and you crush my hand and yell at me.’
To his relief, she gave him a wry smile. ‘I’ll hold you to that.’
‘Good. We’ve got a lot of things to work out,’ he said, ‘but the important thing is that we work them out together.’
* * *
But was he saying that because he wanted to be with her—or was this all for the baby’s sake? Toni wondered. Was he doing what he thought was the right thing, or doing what he really wanted to do?
There was a big difference, and she didn’t want him to be with her out of duty. She wanted him to be there because he loved her.
‘So what made you change your mind? Yesterday, you walked out on me. Today, you’re back.’
‘Yesterday, I was very stupid and I let my past get in the way. Yesterday, I watched my sister and her husband at their baby’s bedside after Josh had stopped breathing. I saw how much they were a team, how they were there for each other—and I realised that was what I want. A real partnership. Love and liking and respect, the whole lot all bundled in together. And I want it with
you.’
Could she believe him?
‘What do you want, Toni?’ he asked.
He’d asked her straight out, so she’d be honest with him in return. This might turn messy, but at least they’d both know exactly where they stood. It might be painful, but better that than quietly wishing and hoping and watching things turn pear-shaped because she hadn’t had the courage to speak out when she should’ve done. And she never wanted to go through the misery of yesterday again.
‘I want,’ she said, ‘to live with someone who loves me and who loves our baby. Someone who wants to be a family with me.’ She looked him straight in the eye. ‘What do you want, Ben?’
‘I want to be a dad to our baby,’ he said. ‘And I want to be with you. Be a family with you. I want to make a future with you and our baby, if you’ll have me. I’m not perfect and I’m going to get things wrong in the future. I’ll do and say the wrong thing sometimes. But I’ll never deliberately hurt you. And I’ll do my best to talk to you instead of hiding away in my head. I’m scared that I won’t be enough for you—like I wasn’t for Karen, otherwise she wouldn’t have fallen for Patrick. I know that makes me paranoid and ridiculous, but I owe you total honesty.’
‘I thought you’d gone away because you didn’t want commitment. I thought I’d picked another Mr Wrong.’
‘Mr Wrong-headed, perhaps,’ he said. ‘But I do want commitment. I want everything, Toni, and I want it with you. If I’m enough for you.’
‘You’re enough for me,’ she said. ‘Just for the record, I wasn’t expecting to fall in love with you. I didn’t even like you, the first day I met you. I thought you were unreasonable and grumpy, and I was prepared to ignore you as much as I could.’
‘I wasn’t expecting to fall in love with you, either. You have one hell of a glare,’ Ben said. ‘And you refused my brownies.’