An Irreconcilable Difference

by Lynda Fitzgerald

  Her mouth thinned, and her expression turned to steel. “What happened?”

  Jana and Bob looked from her to me.

  “I don’t know,” I told them honestly, since they hadn’t asked what I thought. For that matter, I didn’t know what I thought. My mother, at least, wasn’t buying it. I could sense the barrage of questions about to be hurled at me, questions for which I had no answer. “I think he went to see Darren at the jobsite. That’s what Russ told me. I don’t think he had anything to do with the fall.”

  Each of the three sat back in their chairs, as if it might allow them to get a few inches further from the possibility tugging at their minds. Jana chewed at her already swollen lower lip.

  Mother struggled valiantly and must have won. “I’m sure he didn’t,” she said, taking my hand. “We’ll ask him as soon as—as soon as we find him.”

  Jana turned into Bob’s shoulder, effectively shutting it all out.

  The cafeteria wasn't crowded. Dishes clanked around us as people went about the normal business of eating. They chatted and laughed as if it were a normal day. Maybe for them…

  I could feel the group relief as we spotted Jules heading across the cafeteria toward us. He grabbed a cup of coffee on the way over and pulled up a chair next to Mother. “I can’t tell you much more than you already know,” he began. “Darren hasn’t regained consciousness, but they had to go ahead with the surgery because of the internal bleeding. They got that stopped.” He took a sip of coffee and grimaced, I hoped because of the taste. “They’ve done pretty much all they can right now. They’re still waiting for test results.” He hesitated. “There appears to be some damage to the spine. They won’t know how significant it is until the swelling goes down.”

  Bob asked the question I didn’t have the guts to ask. “Is he going to be okay?”

  Jules didn’t answer right away. That scared me to death. When he did, I could tell he had slipped fully into his doctor persona. “I think there’s a good chance he will. None of his injuries are life-threatening in themselves.”

  The phrase “in themselves” wasn’t lost on me, but before I could speak, he continued. “The doctors are pretty concerned about the spinal involvement and his unconsciousness. There was no severe head injury.” He shook his head. “They’ll know more when they get the test results.”

  He stood, taking a last gulp of coffee. “I’d better get back to the hospital.” He looked from me to Mother and back. “Please let know how it’s going and if there’s anything I can do.” He squeezed Mother’s shoulder again, “I’ll tell Don that you’ll be by soon, Eleanor. Don’t worry. I’ll take good care of him.”

  Mother took his hand. “I’ll be over later, Jules. Thank you for everything.”

  “Yes,” I managed. “Thank you….”

  He gave me a distracted smile and headed through the cafeteria doors.

  Bob lumbered to his feet. “I’m going to get the kids, honey,” he said to Jana. “You stay here and—”

  “I’ll take her home,” Mother said at the same time Jana said, “No, I want to go with you.”

  I couldn’t blame her. So did I.

  The silence at the table after they left nagged at me. I could feel my mother watching me. Did she expect me to voice my suspicions now that Jana and Bob were gone?

  “It was good of Jules Proctor to come by,” I said for lack of anything else.

  “Yes, it was.”

  “I didn’t know you called him.”

  “I thought he might be worried.”

  A nurse brushed by our table, her tray laden with enough food for three. Her girth told me she could handle it. “Odd,” I said.

  “What’s odd?”

  “That a doctor would worry about a patient’s wife.”

  “Jules is as much a friend as he is Don’s doctor. Besides—”

  “Besides what?”

  She pressed her lips together and picked up her spoon, trailing it through the food on her plate. “Nothing.”

  Her refusal to speak irritated my already frazzled nerves “You were going to say something. What?”

  She gave me the level stare that always made me squirm. “I thought he’d be concerned about how you were taking it.”

  “Why?”

  “Because he cares, Louisa,” she said, exasperated.

  “Oh…baloney.”

  “Hardly,” she snapped.

  I shook my head. “You didn’t see how he acted when Klee was spouting off about me being his girl.”

  She blinked. “He said that?”

  “It’s a figure of speech with him.”

  “I doubt that, but Jules isn’t a fool. He knows Klee isn’t his competition.”

  “Competition,” I burst out, my voice raising a few stares from the neighboring tables. I lowered it a notch. “What are you talking about?”

  “The man is smart enough not to try to compete with a deity.”

  “What deity?”

  “Don’t be dense. I’m talking about Darren.”

  I stared at her hard. “Darren’s not a deity.”

  “No he’s not, but you can’t prove it by the way you’ve been acting.”

  “Just because I—”

  “Because you’ve forgotten the reality of your marriage, that’s what you’ve done, but I haven’t. I have a long memory, Louisa. I can remember back when you resented the time Darren put into the job instead of being with you and the kids. I remember how mad you used to get when he wouldn’t do the simplest household chore you asked him to do. Since he walked out of your marriage, he’s been the man who could do no wrong.”

  “That’s not true.” Was it?

  “You have to let him go, Lou. Once and for all.”

  “I have let him go,” I whined, hating the sound of my own voice.

  She snorted. “Like hell you have. You lust after the man, for godssake.”

  I sat in icy fury. “Is there anything else you’d like to dump on me tonight while my husband is laying upstairs unconscious?” I asked with bitterness that raised bile in my throat.

  “Ex-husband. Darren is your ex-husband. And he’s gay, for godssake. He’s as gay as Roger. You really need to get that straight in your mind.”

  I know she continued talking. I watched her lips move, not hearing one word. He’s as gay as Roger.

  She picked up her tray. My eyes followed her as she crossed the cafeteria and slipped her tray into the alcove near the dishwasher. I could see gloved hands pull the tray through the slot, hear the splash of water, smell the sharp odor of industrial detergent. I noticed that the room was painted a pale green, washed out by the fluorescent ceiling lights, and that most of the tables were empty now. I heard the nearly continuous drone of the paging system, “Doctor Allen, line three, please. Dr. Allen. Ms. Jenkins, six-one-seven. Ms. Jenkins.”

  I watched Mother’s back disappear down the corridor.

  He’s as gay as Roger.

  That had never crossed my mind. Not that Roger repelled me. Quite the contrary. His homosexuality was part of the whole package, a package I found myself liking very much. But Darren? He’s as gay as Roger. I didn’t know why it was so hard for me to grasp.

  After a while, I wandered back into the waiting room. Russ was sitting in a corner huddled over. I looked at him, but I saw Roger.

  He barely acknowledged me when I took the chair beside him, but something compelled me to reach over and pat his shoulder. He glanced up at me with red-rimmed eyes, neither welcoming my offer of comfort nor rejecting it.

  I lay my head back against the wall, unable or unwilling to process the thoughts and feelings that assaulted me. My mother. Greg. Jules. Russ. Roger. Jana. Klee. Bob. Greg. Round and round, without clear form.

  I must have dozed off, incredible as it sounds, because the next thing I knew, Russ was standing, and I had a hideous crick in my neck. As my eyes focused, I saw Dr. Friedman bearing down on us. I was aware of Russ’s fists, clenched and hanging at his sides.
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br />   “Mrs. Graham, I have good news for you. Your husband regained consciousness in recovery. We’re taking him to ICU right now.”

  “Can we see him?” from Russ, his voice trembling with strain.

  Dr. Friedman looked from Russ to me. “Only family will be allowed to see him right now.”

  “Russ is family,” I lied.

  “Russ,” the doctor repeated. He gave a short nod. “He’s been asking for you. Third floor. Follow the signs,” he added over his shoulder as he hurried away.

  Russ looked like he wanted to bolt after him, but he stopped and looked at me.

  I swallowed. “Go on.”

  He hesitated.

  “Call if you need me.” When he still didn’t move, I said, “He’s asking for you, Russ. Go.”

  He grabbed my hand in both of his and squeezed so hard he nearly brought me to my knees. “Lou.”

  A second later, he was gone.

  It was fully dark when I stepped through the glass doors. I glanced at my watch. Ten o’clock. The air was cool; my face felt hot. I struggled to remember where I’d parked the car. I climbed behind the wheel and dug into my purse for parking money, but after I paid the attendant and drove to the exit on North Decatur Road, I hesitated, not sure which way to turn. I felt cast adrift. I can’t say I felt anything else. Not sad or happy or even relieved that Darren was awake, although I’m sure on some level I was. I knew I didn’t belong at the hospital. Beyond that, I couldn’t say.

  It was too late to go to the nursing home, even if that’s where my mother had headed. She had special dispensation, and I did not. Besides, I wasn’t yet ready to face her. Or Jules. I couldn’t go to Jana’s, nor did I want to. They would consider my leaving the hospital a form of abandonment. Maybe it was. I didn’t much care anymore.

  I wasn’t hungry, even though I’d eaten nothing since breakfast, a quick bagel on the way to work. In the end, I drove home.

  When I pulled up in the driveway, the house was shrouded in darkness. Not a threatening darkness, though. More of a protective cloak. At the moment, I would accept any protection I could get.

  I made my way into the house and froze when I saw a face staring at me through the glass sliding doors in back. Then it registered. “Josie.”

  I hurried across the room and flung the back door open. I was immediately immersed in wet and hairy dog love. Josie, usually well behaved, jumped on me, almost knocking me down. I wrapped my arms around her and buried my face in her golden fur.

  That’s when the tears came. We ended up on the carpet with the door still open and as much of Josie as would fit in my lap. “What kind of a dog mother am I?” I sniffled. “I forgot all about you. You must be starving.”

  Josie showed no inclination to get off my lap. I don’t think food was her highest priority. She made it clear that I was fully loved and completely forgiven. I hugged her. I’m not alone. The thought floated into my head. I wasn’t sure where it had come from. It didn’t matter. I wiped my eyes and lay my head against her. “It looks like it’s you and me, girl. That’s okay, isn’t it?”

  After calling Jana to tell her that her father had regained consciousness (“No, I’m not at the hospital. Russ is with him.” “It’s what he wanted, Jana.”) and feeding Josie a very late dinner, I took myself to bed.

  That night, for the first time since Darren and I had started sleeping separately, I was glad I had a king size bed. Josie waited until I’d turned out the lights before creeping into bed beside me. It mystified me how an eighty pound Golden mix could take up as much space as a hundred and ninety pound man. I pretended not to notice, grateful for her warmth pressed against my back. I didn’t intend to make it a habit, this bed sharing, but tonight it was fine.

  * * * * *

  The next morning, I called the hospital the moment my feet hit the floor. Darren’s condition was listed as “guarded,” whatever that meant. The nurse told me Dr. Friedman usually came at nine, not even enough time to put in an appearance at the nursing home, but that gave me a glorious hour to spend with Josie.

  I took my coffee outside and threw her ball across the dew-soaked grass. The ground was squishy and cool under my bare feet, but a warm breeze stirred the fine hair on my arms. High overhead, a plane soared across the brilliant blue of the morning sky, headed for who knows where.

  Josie’s energy level had reached new heights after my neglect of the day before. She shook the ball like a dead rat, then tossed it in the air and caught it before it hit the ground. I found myself laughing at her antics and refused to stop and examine my feelings. These were the best of a recently bad lot, and I intended to enjoy them while they lasted.

  I dressed in business clothes, even though it wasn’t one of my office days. Josie’s enthusiasm plummeted when she saw me pick up my car keys. She lay on the patio, her head between her paws, staring up at me. Only knowing that I would be back soon allowed me to give her a final wave and close the door.

  The dog had serious abandonment issues. Well, didn’t we all?

  The hospital was bustling when I pushed my way through the main entrance. Apparently, visiting hours were flexible. A woman dressed in pink directed me to ICU, where the bustle abruptly ceased. Even the paging system was muted here. It was quiet and dim on the floor. ICU had a separate waiting area from the rest of the floor, with upholstered sofas and chairs, and lamps on the tables instead of that hideous fluorescent lighting, as if the level of emotions there necessitated those homey touches.

  There was a buzzer on the wall. When I pressed it, a nurse appeared. She led me to Darren’s cubicle after asking my name. “Mrs. Graham,” I told her blatantly. Well, it was true.

  Not everyone looks small and weak in a hospital bed. Darren filled his and seemed to spill out the top and bottom. His skin wasn’t pasty, but still brown from years out of doors. His face, though, looked as if someone had come after him with a baseball bat. That was all I could see. The rest of him was tented and draped. I was glad I couldn’t see where all those tubes and wires actually entered his body.

  He was flat on the bed, a concession to his back, I supposed, and appeared to be asleep. As I stepped further into the space, I realized I wasn’t the only one there. For an instant, I assumed it was Russ. I took a step backward when I saw Greg.

  He was standing in a corner, his eyes fixed on the bed. They flickered to me and then back to the bed. His face was going through contortions. Scowl. Lips trembling. Brow furrowed. Eyes red, haunted.

  “Greg?”

  Darren stirred in the bed, and Greg bolted past me and into the corridor. I followed him to the empty waiting room. “Greg, stop.”

  He stopped, his back to me. I walked around him. A long moment passed before he lifted his eyes to mine. Gone was the look of condemnation I’d seen in his face the last time we’d talked. The guilt written in his features was no easier to bear. “My fault,” he muttered. “It was all my fault.”

  I was shocked speechless, but only for an instant. “Are you saying you pushed him?”

  He shook his head, but I don’t know if he was denying my accusation or shaking away his thoughts. “I gotta get out of here.” He turned and almost ran Russ down as he bolted from the room.

  Russ was as stunned as I was. “Was that Greg? What’s going on?”

  “I don’t know. He came to see Darren apparently, but he left when I got here.” There was no way I was going to repeat Greg’s confession, if it was a confession. There had been enough bloodshed in the last twenty-four hours.

  Russ was still staring at the empty doorway, but he made no move to go after him. An elderly couple came in, the woman sniffling. She pressed the buzzer on the wall. Seconds later, a nurse appeared and led them down the hallway. ICU was not a waiting room you would choose to visit, for all its homey touches.

  I perched on the edge of a chair. “What have they found out, Russ?”

  He turned back to me. Then he came and sat down. The atmosphere of the room inspired hushed voices
. “Dr. Friedman was here most of the night. He says they’re cautiously optimistic about Darren’s prognosis. He has what appears to be a fractured vertebra, and he’s going to be in a body brace for the next twelve weeks. His leg’s a disaster. Smashed to shit, in layman’s terms. They’ve reconstructed it as much as they can and are holding it all together with pins and screws. He’ll never make it through security at the airport,” he added with a smile.

  That smile told me more than all his words. If Russ could smile, Darren was going to be all right. I smiled back at him. “I’ll call Jana and tell her the good news.”

  “I already did while I was at breakfast.” He chuckled. “She didn’t much like hearing it from me, but she didn’t hang up on me. I thought that was a good sign.”

  I felt a wave of sympathy for Russ. He’d been through hell with his own children finding out he was gay. Now he had to go through it all over again with mine. “She’ll get used to it,” I said, almost believing my words.

  He nodded, almost agreeing. “Did you see Darren?”

  “For a second. He was asleep.”

  Russ nodded. “He drifts in and out. They only let one of us in there at a time. Why don’t you go spend a few minutes with him?”

  I spent a very few minutes, and Darren slept through them. When I left, Russ returned to his vigil.

  I made the nursing home my next stop. My father’s condition was unchanged, which was not good news. Jules was nowhere around. I was grateful. I didn’t stay long. This particular vigil belonged to my mother.

  As I settled into the car, I once again was overcome with aimlessness. As guilty as I felt about neglecting Josie yesterday, I wasn’t ready to go home. I let my hands turn the steering wheel as my mind drifted. No one could have been more surprised than me at where I ended up.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  “Lou, sweetie.” Roger dropped the hairbrush he was holding and hurried over to me. “I thought I’d run you off for good.”

  I looked around at the packed salon. Every chair was filled, and several customers who were flipping idly through magazines glanced up at me curiously. I must have been insane to think I could just drop in here. Roger’s appointments were booked months in advance if my mother was to be believed.