Earthling Ambassador

by Liane Moriarty

  "I'll try." Nicola could hear Katie trying not to giggle.

  There was a loud crackle and a hollow voice boomed across the school yard. "Make way! Make way! Make way for the Earthling Ambassador!"

  Nicola looked up and saw Georgio speaking into a gigantic megaphone. He was standing next to a huge helicopter, which was unlike any helicopter Nicola had ever seen. Instead of being bubble-shaped, the passenger part was like a long tall cylinder, presumably designed especially for Georgio's height.The helicopter was bright yellow with red polka dots and on the back a neon sign flashed: EArthlInG AMBASSADOR ABOARD.

  Katie patted Nicola on the shoulder. "You can do it," she whispered. "Have fun."

  Tyler appeared at her side. "You're going to be great!" he said generously. "You're the best person for the job--and that's a really nice, umm, skirt!" (Tyler was smart, but strangely, he could never tell the difference between a skirt and a dress.)

  The crowd of students and teachers parted to clear a path leading straight to Georgio and the helicopter. Nervously, Nicola began to walk to it.The school band struck up an out-of-tune tune.

  "Good luck, Nicola!" called out her friends and the nice teachers, giving her thumbs-up signals.

  "Oh, doesn't she look pretty!" she heard a girl say. "She doesn't normally look that pretty!"

  "Missy! You come back here right now!" It was Mrs. Zucchini, trying desperately to push her way through the crowd. Her hair had fallen down around her face and her eyes were bulging.

  A policeman appeared and clapped a hand firmly over Mrs. Zucchini's mouth so that she made strange gargling sounds. "Mishie! Shtop it!"

  "Madam! Nothing must interfere with this mission!" said the policeman. "It's a matter of global security."

  Global security? Now Nicola was feeling even more nervous.

  "Hey, Nic!" It was her older brother, Sean. He was bouncing up and down on his toes, looking excited and envious. "How'd you manage to get picked for the mission? Did you cheat? Did you use my mental telepathy trick? Why'd they pick a girl, anyway? Why are you wearing that stupid dress? You don't look like a spy at all! Do you want me to go? Just tell 'em you're too scared and you want your brother to go instead."

  Nicola stopped to talk to him. "I'm not a spy and I don't want you to take my place! The prime minister is going to explain to Mom and Dad where I'm going, so they shouldn't be worried."

  "Yeah, right.They'll go bananas," said Sean.

  "Oh, and you'll have to take my turn loading the dishwasher tonight," said Nicola. "Sorry."

  Sean ignored that. "I'd better give you some advice because you're going to mess this up so badly. Okay, so if someone tries to, like, shoot you, just avoid the bullet by leaning over backward like this--" He leaned back like an action hero in a blockbuster movie.

  "Yeah, thanks, Sean.Tell Mom I said thank you for putting that butterfly clip in my hair!" said Nicola as she moved away, leaving Sean demonstrating moves from his kung fu for beginners class.

  "Nic! Ask them if they need a kung fu expert to come with you!"

  Nicola ignored him and kept on walking. She noticed Greta in the crowd, gesturing grandly as she talked to a woman who was writing something furiously in a notebook.

  Suddenly a jostling crowd of reporters surrounded Nicola, waving microphones in her face.There were television cameras and bright lights that made her blink.

  "Nicola! How do you feel about being the Earthling Ambassador?"

  "I feel very . . ." began Nicola.

  "Do you feel confident you'll succeed in your mission?"

  "Well, I don't actually know what the mission--"

  "We've heard that Greta Gretch was a special friend of yours and you felt particularly bad that you beat her. Is that true?"

  Nicola nearly choked. "That's not--"

  "ENOUGH! This child has more important things to do than talk with you!"

  Georgio reached down and smoothly scooped Nicola up into the air above the reporters and inside the helicopter.

  "Hello, madam," said the pilot from the front seat. She had a long ponytail, sunglasses, and seemed to be about the same height as Georgio. "My name is Plum. It's a pleasure to meet you. Buckle up!"

  Nicola buckled up her seat belt, while Georgio ran around to the other side of the helicopter, bending nearly in half so that the spinning propeller blades didn't chop off his head. He jumped in the other side and began doing up his own seat belt.

  He smiled down at Nicola. "Ready, Ambassador?"

  "Yep," said Nicola, pretending to be brave.

  "Ready for liftoff, Plum!" said Georgio.

  "Right you are, sir!"

  The helicopter clattered noisily and Nicola felt a strange sensation in her stomach as it lifted off the ground and hovered in the air. She looked out the window at the people below becoming smaller and smaller as the helicopter rose higher into the sky.

  There were the Wardbrobewhizonics climbing into their own hot-pink helicopter.

  There were Katie and Tyler jumping up and down and waving.

  There was Greta Gretch sobbing into a can of lemonade.

  There were Sean and his friends, leaping around, falling dramatically to the ground as they pretended to shoot one another with imaginary guns.

  There was Mrs. Zucchini, kicking and shouting as four burly policemen carried her away.

  There was Mr. Nix, trying to talk into Georgio's megaphone and toppling over backward because it was too big for him.

  And then Nicola couldn't recognize anyone anymore. They were just busy little ants all running back and forth on the rectangular patch of grass in the school yard.

  Georgio bent down and spoke quietly in her ear. "And so the mission begins."

  CHAPTER 6

  "Georgio, may I ask a question?" asked Nicola as the helicopter skimmed fat cottonlike clouds.

  "If it's an intelligent one. I have a policy of answering only intelligent questions."

  "Well, I was just wondering, what is this mission I'm on? What exactly will I have to do? What if I can't do it? Are you sure I'm the best person for the job? Will anybody try to kill me?"

  Nicola's voice came out funny on the last question. She felt breathless, as if she'd been running. Oh dear, she hoped she wasn't going to start hyperventilating like her cousin Ellie did when she got too nervous about something. She'd have to breathe into a paper bag.Would Georgio even have a paper bag? What sort of person starts a top secret mission by breathing into a paper bag? Her brother would say a cowardly custard one.

  "I do believe you just asked five questions," said Georgio. "Fancy a lollipop?"

  "I beg your pardon?" Nicola blinked.

  "I find a lollipop always helps me concentrate and, as I'm about to answer at least some of those intelligent questions, I thought it might be nice if you enjoyed a Choc-Chip-Coconut-and-Cream Tropical Delight at the same time."

  "Well, okay, thank you very much," said Nicola. Georgio rummaged around in his pocket and pulled out a gigantic lollipop, unwrapped it, and handed it to Nicola. It was as big as her face, and when she took her first lick, her tastebuds almost fainted with pleasure.

  "This is . . . delectable," she said.

  Georgio smiled. "Shall I begin?"

  "Yes, please."

  Georgio took a breath. "Nicola," he said solemnly, "you may have noticed that I am above average height."

  Nicola managed to keep a straight face.

  "Quite obviously," he continued, "I come from another planet."

  Nicola had--quite obviously--never met anyone from another planet before, and she very nearly pulled a cross-eyed look and said "Yeah, right!" just like Sean did whenever he heard something he didn't believe. But then Nicola remembered she'd left her school in a helicopter with the prime minister's permission, so she kept quiet and sucked her lollipop.

  "Both Plum and I--and this helicopter, in fact--are from the very famous and very beautiful planet of Globagaskar.We are proud Globagaskarians, just as you, no doubt, are a proud
Earthling." Georgio gave Nicola a rather pitying look before going on.

  "Now, the main difference between Globagaskar and your dear little planet is simply this--we're approximately two million years ahead of you.That's why we're so much taller than you and our technology is two million times more advanced, our food is two million times more delicious, and so on and so forth.We've always known of your existence, but of course, one of the most adorable things about your planet is that most of you seem to believe you're the only inhabited planet in the galaxy.We didn't want to upset you by spoiling your sweet little illusions!"

  Nicola felt embarrassed for slow old Earth. "I'm sure we're about to discover you any minute!" she said. "We do have spaceships, you know."

  Georgio guffawed. "Those sweet toys? Oh, Nicola, please don't make me laugh.This is far too serious!"

  He composed himself. "Now, Earth has always been a popular vacation destination for many Globagaskarians. It's advertised with the slogan: 'A simpler, sweeter part of the galaxy.' Of course, we can't come too often because we do have to find remote deserts to hide our spaceships in, and we do tend to attract attention because of our height. People are always photographing us with their mobile phones, and representatives from a group called something like the Guinness Recorders keep giving us their business cards.That's why a strict limit has been placed on the number of us traveling to Earth.There's quite a waiting list, because only one family is allowed to visit Earth at a time so we don't create too much of a sensation. My wife and I were fortunate enough to come on our honeymoon. Actually, she wanted to go to one of those luxurious, modern planets, but I teach intergalactic history and culture at the local university, and the more I'd studied Earth, the more it fascinated me. So I managed to persuade her.Well! My wife had to eat her words! We had the time of our lives.We've been planning to bring our children next year for our wedding anniversary.That's why we were so cross when we first heard about the plans to turn your planet into an intergalactic garbage can."

  "I beg your pardon?" Nicola let the lollipop drop from her mouth. "Did you just say a . . . garbage can?"

  "Yes, it's really very unfortunate.You see, our king and queen have gone off on vacation and they've left their young daughter, Princess Petronella, in charge. She's about the same age as you.The princess has been making some rather odd decisions. She's determined that she's bored with recycling and she'd rather have an intergalactic garbage can.The plan is to send down a planet renovation team to make the necessary changes. I'll guess they'll have to scoop out a big hole in the middle. Of course, eventually they'll have to get rid of all the people--"

  Nicola gave a sound just like the wheezy whooshing one her grandma made when she climbed stairs. Georgio glanced at her frightened face.

  "Oh, I don't mean get rid of you, get rid of you. Like in a permanent way. You'll simply be packed onto spaceships and sent to live on the Planet of Bore. Certainly nobody will want to stay on Earth when it's a smelly garbage can brimming over with refuse.Terribly unhygienic, for one thing."

  "But this is . . . preposterous!" said Nicola. (Preposterous, meaning utterly ridiculous, was one of her favorite words, and she had never come across such an appropriate occasion on which to use it.)

  "Yes, it is preposterous," said Georgio. "Especially when you consider that the Planet of Bore lives up to its name. It's the most boring planet in the entire galaxy. No seasons, no plants, no animals, no nothing really. It will be like living in a parking lot.You'll have to take a lot of board games. Get it--bored games!"

  Nicola was furious. "That Princess Petronella sounds like a horrible person!"

  "She certainly isn't behaving very politely toward your planet. At exactly six A.M. on December first, that's this Saturday morning, garbage will start falling from the sky. Then a week or so after that, once everybody is sick of having leftover tuna casseroles ruining their new hairdos, the princess will send down the army. She thinks people will be ready to leave by then, and will go without a fuss."

  "This Saturday is my birthday," said Nicola.

  Georgio looked delighted. "Why, what a wonderful coincidence! That's even more confirmation that I've picked exactly the right person for this mission."

  Nicola didn't think it was a wonderful coincidence at all.What sort of birthday would it be if she woke up to see tin cans and tea bags and rotten vegetables raining down from the sky? She didn't especially like it when rain fell on her birthday, let alone other people's garbage.

  At that moment the helicopter swerved sharply and Nicola saw they were flying along the coast. She could see curving beaches and dramatic sandstone cliffs.Tiny yachts with billowing sails skimmed across the satin-smooth water. It was all so beautiful. How could someone decide to destroy it?

  She turned back to Georgio. Her fingernails dug into her palms. "Can't someone stop her?"

  "We've been doing our best," said Georgio. "You see, I'm president of the Save the Little Earthlings Committee. My wife and I formed the Committee when we first heard the news about the princess's plan on television.We've been working night and day trying to create interest in the cause.We've raised money with raffles and parties and dances.We've spoken at playgroups and schools and universities.We even hired a skywriter to write 'Save the Little Earthlings' across the sky. Oh, it's been a whirlwind of activity, hasn't it, Plum?!"

  "Absolutely." Keeping one hand on the helicopter controls, Plum turned around. She tapped a round badge on her collar with her fingertip. It said EARTHLINGS rock!

  "Umm, thank you," said Nicola, ashamed that all these nice people were working so hard to try to save Earth, while Earth didn't even know Globagaskar existed.

  "Well, that's our pleasure, Nicola, but I'm afraid it's quite hard work getting people interested in a cause that doesn't directly affect their day-to-day lives," said Georgio. "However, I'm proud to say that last week we presented a petition to the princess with over three thousand signatures."

  "And what did the princess say?"

  "She folded the petition into a paper airplane, tossed it out the palace window, and demanded someone bring her a banana milkshake."

  Nicola despised this girl with her whole heart. "So, that's when the Committee came up with the idea of selecting an Earthling Ambassador to visit the princess. At first, the obvious choice was someone in a position of authority, like a prime minister or a king or queen. However, my wife cleverly suggested that an Earthling the same age as the princess might be more persuasive. Of course, that Earthling couldn't be just anyone. It needed to be someone with very special qualities. So, the Committee came up with a list of questions that would help us identify exactly the right person."

  It was as if a giant hand was squeezing Nicola's stomach. "But I don't think I am the right person at all! I think you should pick someone else! And those questions were so . . . unusual." She had been about to say wacky, but she didn't want to offend Georgio.

  "We've made an appointment for you with Princess Petronella at the Rainbow Palace tomorrow morning at ten."

  She had an appointment at a palace with a princess. Nicola felt a moment of giddy excitement, before remembering the particular princess she was meeting.

  "So that's your mission in a nutshell: to convince the princess not to destroy your planet.Think you can handle it?"

  "No!" said Nicola. "I don't think I can handle it at all."

  Oh, why hadn't she just sat down when Georgio asked the first question? Someone bossy and confident like Greta Gretch would have been a much better choice!

  "Good!" said Georgio. "I like that self-doubt; it will make you work even harder. I dislike nothing more than overly confident people! I expect you're feeling extremely nervous right now. Heart racing, stomach churning, hands trembling, head pounding--that sort of thing?"

  "Uh, yes." Nicola smoothed the blue satin fabric of her dress across her knees.That was exactly how she was feeling.

  Georgio looked at his watch and glanced out the window of the helicopter.

>   "Well, I don't know what my esteemed colleagues would think about this, but really, what difference will a few minutes make now that I've tracked you down?! So, how about a quick dip? I find nothing relaxes me more than a refreshing swim.What do you say?"

  Nicola didn't quite know what to say. Swimming was actually the very last thing on her mind at the moment. Georgio was certainly very odd.

  "Come on!" He unbuckled his seat belt. "Last one in is a rotten egg!"

  To Nicola's horror, Georgio threw open the door of the helicopter and flung himself out into the cold air.

  CHAPTER 7

  In Nicola's house nobody was allowed to swear, except in times of great stress, when they were allowed to say the word frizzle.This was their own private Berry family swear word, which didn't upset anyone.

  "FRIZZLE!" exclaimed Nicola. "FRIZZLE, FRIZZLE!"

  She tapped Plum on the shoulder. "Georgio just jumped out of the helicopter!"

  She waited for a suitably horrified reaction.

  "Oh, has he?" Plum turned her head slightly. "Typical! Well, why don't you have a quick dip, too? It will do you good before your mission."

  "I beg your pardon?" said Nicola faintly.

  "What's taking you so long?" Nicola looked down and saw Georgio gazing up at her. He was leaning on the floor of the helicopter with both arms, just like it was the edge of a swimming pool, his long legs dangling behind him in the air.

  "You must come in! The temperature is perfect."

  "Are you crazy?" Nicola felt quite petrified. She was trapped in a helicopter with two lunatics.

  Georgio looked at her blankly. "Have you never been cloud-swimming before?"

  "No. I have never been cloud-swimming before," Nicola spoke slowly and distinctly, like she spoke to Great-Aunt Annie, who was very deaf and a little bit crazy.

  "Why didn't you say so?" cried Georgio. "Everyone needs a little push the first time."

  He hauled himself back into the helicopter, unbuckled Nicola's seat belt, lifted her up under the arms, and held her outside the helicopter.

  "Have fun, Nicola!" cried Georgio--and he let her go.