Earthling Ambassador

by Liane Moriarty

  "Rude dude! Rude dude! Shimlara was being a rude dude!" sang Squid.

  "Be quiet, Squid!" snapped Georgio. Squid dropped his voice but kept singing the song under his breath.

  Shimlara hung her head. "But Mom, I just wanted to give her the dinner I knew she really wanted!"

  "Darling, I understand you wanted to make Nicola happy," said Mully. "But you should have just asked her! You can't go poking around in somebody's mind all willy-nilly, you know that!"

  "I'm afraid you'll have to go to your room," said Georgio. He was talking in the same deep, serious voice that Nicola's own dad used when he was angry, as if he were an anchorman on the evening news. It really irritated Nicola and she could tell Shimlara had the same feeling by the way she scratched hard at her arm.

  "Can you read people's minds on this planet?" asked Nicola. She turned to Georgio. "Is that how you knew I was wondering if it mattered how well I could Rollerblade backward and about everyone teasing me for not being able to do a cartwheel?"

  There was a sudden, very uncomfortable silence at the dinner table.

  "AHA!" cried Shimlara. "Dad has been reading Nicola's mind all day, but now when I do it, it's rude! Well, you know what that is? That's hypocritical, Dad!"

  "Daddy has a red face. Like a tomato!" Squid looked very interested as he peered over at Georgio.

  "Shimlara, you mustn't talk to your father in that tone of voice," began Mully.

  Shimlara was outraged. "Mom! This is about justice!"

  "Georgio, you really shouldn't have been reading her mind," said Mully. "It's not setting a very good example."

  "It was for the good of the mission, Mully," snapped Georgio. Nicola could tell he was feeling sheepish. "Sometimes I have to make difficult decisions."

  "Oh, that's just a whole lot of garbage!" said Mully.

  "Yes, garbage," said Georgio. "May I remind you all that that's what this whole mission is about? Nicola's planet could be covered in garbage! Earthling lives are at stake!"

  "Well, I was just trying to help the mission, too!" said Shimlara.

  "That's different," said Georgio.

  "How?" asked Shimlara.

  "Yes, how?" asked Mully.

  "Hungry," announced Squid, who was obviously bored by the whole discussion. "I'm a hungry Squid!"

  He began to chant over and over. "Mom, where's my dinner? Mom, where's my dinner? Mom, where's my dinner?"

  "BE QUIET, SQUID!" roared Shimlara, Mully, and Georgio in unison.

  Realizing that nobody was taking much notice of her, Nicola picked up her knife and fork and began to eat her delicious lasagna.

  Aside from the fact that she was on another planet with remarkably tall people who could read minds and cook by mental telepathy, this was just like any normal family dinner at home in Honeyville, Sydney, Australia, Earth.

  CHAPTER 11

  Oh no, Mrs. Zucchini's math test, thought Nicola before she opened her eyes the next day. That means sardines.

  Every time she had a test or an exam, Nicola's mother tried to give her sardines for breakfast. She'd read somewhere that sardines were "brain food" and she was convinced if she could just get Nicola to eat them before she took the test, then she'd be guaranteed to get better grades. Nicola hated sardines, so her mom always tried to sneak them into her breakfast. She would smear them on toast hidden under peanut butter, or she'd chop them up into tiny pieces and put them in scrambled eggs and serve them to Nicola with an innocent expression on her face. If she managed to trick Nicola into eating just one mouthful of sardines, she'd run around the kitchen with her arms over her head as if she'd won the Olympics.

  Yuck. Sardines and math. Not a good day.

  But then she heard a strange voice. "Good morning. How did you sleep?"

  Nicola opened her eyes and the first thing she saw was the yellow countdown watch on her wrist. It said:

  Good morning! Only TWO days to go! Out of bed, sleepy-head.

  Everything that had happened yesterday flooded through Nicola's head. Oh, that's right. She didn't have a math test today. She just had a mission to save the world.

  Shimlara was sitting up in her bed on the opposite side of the room, stretching and yawning. Her black hair was sticking up all over the place. She was wearing a bright orange fluffy button-up suit. Nicola decided not to tell Shimlara that, on Earth, only tiny babies wore pajamas like that.

  "I slept really well," said Nicola, surprised. When she had seen her bed last night she'd been sure that she wouldn't sleep a wink. Instead of a normal mattress, it was just a long box filled with hundreds of tiny colored balls, like soft foam golf balls.

  "It's weird.These little balls were really comfortable to lie on." Nicola picked one up and squished it between her fingers.

  "It's just a normal bed," yawned Shimlara. She sighed. "I've got a galactic geography test today."

  "I should be taking a math test," said Nicola. "I'm so nervous about meeting Princess Petronella, I almost wish I was back on Earth taking the test."

  Last night, after dinner, Nicola had picked the present for the princess (a globe of the Earth--she hoped it wouldn't be too obvious of a hint) and Georgio and Mully had explained exactly what would be happening the next day. Georgio would drive her to the Rainbow Palace, but he wouldn't be able to come past the palace gates, because the appointment was only for Nicola.There would be lots of people waiting to see the princess, so when it was time for her appointment, she would need to talk fast.

  "You'll need to be firm and authoritative, but at the same time polite and humble," said Georgio as if that was perfectly easy.

  "Just be yourself," Mully had advised. "Speak from the heart."

  Nicola still had no idea exactly what she was going to say to the Princess. She'd stayed up late jotting down notes, but all she'd finished up with was a long list of words, phrases, and crossed-out ideas, like:

  PREPOSTEROUS!

  How would you feel?

  Not fair.

  Beautiful planet--oceans, mountains, beaches

  What about the animals?Recycling garbage isn't that hard.

  Earthling deaths on your conscience.

  Eventually, she'd given up and gone to bed. Anyway, Mully had said it was better not to read from a script because otherwise she'd sound too stiff and formal. Nicola hoped she was right.

  Then she and Shimlara stayed up for hours talking. Soon they were in fits of giggles. Shimlara told her all about the time she'd gotten lost while cloud-surfing and had floated off to the other side of Globagaskar where she'd finally crashed into the side of a mountain in the middle of a thunderstorm. "They had to send a rescue party to find me. It was pretty embarrassing."

  Nicola told Shimlara about the time she and Sean had been jumping on the trampoline and bumped their heads together so hard, they both had to go to the hospital with blood streaming down their faces. "My dad fainted when he saw us and hit his own head," said Nicola. "So Mom had to take all three of us to the hospital." By the time they'd finally drifted off to sleep, it felt like she and Shimlara had been friends forever.

  Now Shimlara was bouncing excitedly up and down on her bed so that the little balls flew in all directions. "No way would you rather be taking a test! I'd swap places in a second. I'm so jealous of you I could die. I'd love to see what it's like inside the palace. And your whole planet is depending on you! You'll be a hero!"

  "But what if I can't convince the princess to change her mind?"

  Shimlara's face changed and became very serious."Well, that could be pretty bad. Once everyone on your planet finds out, they'll be really, really mad at you. Some of them might even want to kill you! You'll have to go into hiding, I expect. But that might be fun! I could come with you!"

  "Shimlara!" Mully stood at the door with her arms folded. "How do you think that makes Nicola feel?"

  "Sorry," said Shimlara guiltily. "I'm sure no one will mind if you fail and all the Earthlings have to go and live on the Planet of Bore. It won't be t
hat boring."

  "Oh, for heaven's sake," said Mully. "Now you're just making it worse. Nicola, don't listen to a word she says. Sometimes she's far too much like her father. Now, come with me, Nicola, I've got your parents on the phone calling long-distance from Earth!"

  Nicola followed Mully down the hallway, wondering what her parents were going to say. She could imagine her mother saying, "You get off that planet right now, young lady, and come back home and get ready for school." Her father would probably make a bad joke.

  "You'll have to stand on this chair like Squid does," said Mully. "Otherwise you won't be able to see the screen."

  Nicola climbed onto the chair and there on a flat screen on the wall were her parents, sitting at the kitchen table back home. It was strange seeing the familiar old kitchen table. It gave Nicola a funny nostalgic feeling to see the old china bowl filled with elastic bands, bits of paper, coins, paper clips, and one wrinkly old apple.

  "NICOLA! NICOLA! CAN YOU SEE US?"

  Her dad bounded to his feet and waved his arms back and forth as if he was on a mountaintop.

  "Hi, Dad," said Nicola. "I can see you."

  "Oh, okay." He sat back down and drummed his fingers on the kitchen table. "Hi there, Nic. How are you? Bit of an adventure for you, eh?"

  "Are you warm enough, darling?" asked her mother anxiously.

  "Now don't be nervous, Nic." Her dad looked terrified. "The prime minister explained to us that you've been specially chosen for a top secret mission to save the world. We're very proud of you.Well done!"

  "But don't worry if you can't do it," said her mother quickly. "Remember, it's not about winning, it's just about trying your best. It really doesn't matter if you don't succeed."

  Nicola's dad scratched the side of his face and spoke through the side of his mouth. "Ah, it sort of does matter, darling. Apparently the whole world is depending on her."

  "Well," said her mother vaguely. "But more importantly, Nicola, what are you doing about clean underwear? I mean, we didn't have a chance to pack a bag for you!"

  "Yo, Nic." Her brother, Sean, had wandered into the kitchen. He lifted a casual hand in greeting as if he made interplanetary phone calls to her every day and took a big swig from a bottle of soft drink.Then he wiped the back of his hand across his mouth and sat down on a chair, putting his feet on the table. "How's it going? Have they figured out yet that they messed up big-time and they should have sent me? What's this top secret mission all about, anyway? Don't worry, your secret is safe with me."

  Suddenly a man wearing a dark suit, sunglasses, and an earpiece appeared in the kitchen and put his hands flat across the screen.

  "Security breach, security breach," he said. "No requests for details of the mission! We're shutting you down."

  "Bye, Mom! Bye, Dad! Bye, Sean!" shouted Nicola trying to see her family through the man's pudgy fingers.

  "EAT SOME SARDINES BEFORE YOUR MISSION!" cried her mother. "And don't forget to say 'THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME'!"

  "DON'T LET ANYBODY PUSH YOU AROUND!" called her father. "Remember you're BOB BERRY'S DAUGHTER and you can DO ANYTHING!"

  "SHOOT TO KILL, NIC!" yelled Sean.

  The screen went fuzzy.

  "Oh," said Nicola sadly. "They're gone."

  Right then, she could think of nothing more wonderful than to be home in her own kitchen with her mom, dad, Sean, and that wrinkled ordinary old apple.

  Mully put her arm around Nicola's shoulders.

  "It sounds to me like you've got a lovely supportive family," she said. "Although I really wouldn't recommend you kill Princess Petronella--that's just my little tip. Now,

  I had a nice chat with your mom before you got on the phone and I've had the Telepathy Chef prepare a wonderful breakfast for you--sardine cereal with sardine milk and a nice tall glass of sardine juice! Nicola, what is it? Are you okay? Your face has turned bright green."

  CHAPTER 12

  "Your appointment at the palace is at ten o'clock, so we should be there in plenty of time." Georgio turned the keys in the ignition of his aero-car. "I've allowed twenty minutes to get there, twenty minutes for traffic, twenty minutes in case the car breaks down and we have to hail an aero-cab, twenty minutes in case something goes wrong, twenty minutes in case something else goes wrong, and another ten minutes just to be on the safe side. Oh dear, I do hope we're not late!"

  "I'm sure we're going to be very early," said Nicola. It seemed like Georgio was even more nervous than she.

  "Oh yes! No need to get yourself worked up, Nicola," said Georgio. "I've allowed plenty of time for us to get there.You just try to relax."

  Nicola sucked on one of the cake-pops that Shimlara had given her to take away the taste of her sardine-flavored breakfast. It was a lollipop that looked like a miniature chocolate mud cake and tasted like one, too. It made her feel much better.

  Nicola smoothed her hands over her skirt and wondered if she was dressed appropriately.The Wardrobewhizonic Ladies had been around to help her get dressed for her meeting with Princess Petronella, and there had been a lot of arguments over how she should be dressed. Mully thought she should still be dressed like a princess, in a similar dress to the day before. Georgio thought she should be dressed like a professional ambassador in a crisp dark suit with a string of pearls and a clipboard. Shimlara thought Nicola should look tough and scary, with a pierced nose and eyebrow and lots of black eyeliner, so that Princess Petronella would be intimidated into doing whatever Nicola wanted.

  In the end the Wardrobewhizonics had come up with a combination of all three. Nicola was wearing combat boots and a ripped denim skirt, a long-sleeved white shirt done up in a knot at her waist, her countdown watch, a string of pearls, and tiny sparkly diamond clips all through her hair, and she was carrying a leather-bound clipboard.

  "Perfect!" Shimlara had said. "You look like a tough, funky, businesslike Earthling princess."

  But Nicola quickly forgot all about her outfit as she suddenly experienced the strange sensation of a car lifting straight into the air. She looked out the window and saw they were about ten feet above the ground.

  There was no steering wheel in the aero-car. Instead Georgio sat behind a computer screen and tapped it every now and then with his fingertip.

  "Left!" he muttered. "I tapped left--why are you going right?"

  The car skimmed gently along without the bother of traffic lights or stop signs.They turned a corner and suddenly a yellow aero-car appeared from nowhere.

  "KEEP YOUR EYE ON THE AIR-ROAD, BOOFHEAD!" shouted Georgio, but the yellow car slammed straight into theirs.

  Nicola threw her hands over her face and waited for the terrible jolt. She'd never been in a car accident before and she suspected it would hurt, but the yellow car just bounced gently off them like a rubber ball, and the driver of the yellow car, a woman with a bright red flower behind her ear, grinned and shook her finger at Georgio as she flew past them.

  "Isn't your car damaged?" asked Nicola.

  "All our cars are made from Bounce-a-Guard," explained Georgio. "If we run into someone we just bounce off each other. Not a scratch, except to our pride! I do wonder why your planet is still making cars from that dreadful hard steel and glass and the like--then you get so upset and surprised when people are hurt in car accidents!"

  "I don't think that bouncy stuff has been invented on Earth yet," said Nicola.

  "Oh, I see," said Georgio. "Well, don't worry, I'm sure you'll catch up soon."

  Nicola looked out the window of the car. Globagaskar was an amazing planet. Colorful aero-cars glided silently back and forth--no noise, no exhaust fumes, and apparently no accidents! The two cherry suns shone their cherry rays on the shimmering houses and children frolicked on the neat, orderly streets. Exotic birds soared through the sky, and in the distance Nicola caught a glimpse of colossal snowcapped mountain ranges.

  Was everything about Globagaskar better than poor old Earth?

  "Certainly not!" said Georgio. "I am so
rry for reading your mind, Nicola, but you were thinking so loudly just then, I couldn't help myself.That's not the right attitude at all! Earth is a beautiful planet! I know I sometimes show off about how technologically advanced we are, but that doesn't mean you don't have one of the loveliest planets in the galaxy.You've got lots of things that we don't have."

  "Like what?" asked Nicola.

  "Like oceans," answered Georgio promptly. "We might have two moons and two suns, but we don't have a single ocean, whereas you've got five beautiful, astonishing oceans. You even get to swim in them, I believe?"

  "That's true," said Nicola, thinking of her summer vacation on Buddy Beach.

  "And you've got such funny animals! Like the elephant, with its long trunk and big ears. And the kangaroo with its funny pouch. Oh, and what are they called? Flutterbys? No, that's not it. Butterflies! I love butterflies!"

  "You don't have butterflies?" asked Nicola.

  "No--not one."

  "Gosh," said Nicola.

  "So you go in there and you fight for your planet!" said Georgio. "You tell that Princess Petronella to leave your planet alone!"

  "I WILL!" cried Nicola, punching a fist in the air. At that moment she felt like she could do anything. She didn't even feel nervous anymore.

  "And could you do me a favor?" asked Georgio.

  "Of course," said Nicola.

  "Please don't tell Shimlara or Mully that I read your mind again."

  "I won't," said Nicola graciously.

  "Take a look.You can start seeing the palace from here." Georgio pointed to the top of the hill.

  Nicola looked up.

  Her heart pounded and all her nerves came rushing back like thousands of tiny ants scurrying over her skin.

  "Oh . . . wow," she said in a hushed voice.

  She'd never seen anything like it.

  CHAPTER 13

  Now Nicola understood why it was called the Rainbow Palace. It was a huge, majestic building built entirely of boulder-size gemstones like rubies, diamonds, sapphires, and emeralds.The cherry sunlight shining on the jewels created thousands of shimmering rainbows so that the castle was a kaleidoscope of glittering, glimmering color.

  The spires and turrets of the palace rose high and proud in the sky. Orderly rows of angry-looking guards stood stiffly at attention with their arms folded across muscular chests.