An Unattractive Vampire

by Jim McDoniel

  Chapter 15

  Proper Vampirism™

  By the Honorable Doctor and Lord Douglas Talby

  Revised Edition 7 Circa 2008

  The dictionary defines vampire as a preternatural being, commonly believed to be a reanimated corpse that is said to suck the blood of sleeping persons at night. Note that the dictionary has gone out of its way to label the vampire a preternatural being. There is a natural being, as feared and as difficult to kill as the vampire, that is likewise said to suck the blood of sleeping persons at night. This creature is the common bedbug, and according to the dictionary definition, it is our equal. What we have achieved then through our mastery of death is to become a household pest.

  You are not to blame.

  The dictionary defines vampirism as the acts or practices of vampires. Taken together, the two definitions interpret vampirism as simply rising from the grave to suck blood, as well it should. For millennia, our ancestors had no more ambition than to be ticks and leeches. Though capable of so much more, they chose to be mere parasites. To use an analogy, they were like a missing link between fish and amphibian, able to journey up onto the land but unwilling to leave the primordial ooze. This tainted legacy weighs us down and makes us monsters.

  It needn’t be so. We can yet rise above. If vampirism truly is “the acts or practice of vampires,” then any action undertaken by two or more of us becomes “an act of vampirism.” Charity can be an act of vampirism. Intelligence, sophistication. We need not be limited by the definitions of old. We can make a new definition, one of civilized, worthy beings who have achieved perfection even unto immortality. Something to be idolized. Something to be desired. We can be the princes of the undead.

  To this end, I have created a system for a new breed of vampire, a method that emphasizes the traits we find desirable while eliminating those that constrain our kind to the base or the ordinary. It is the way of Proper Vampirism™, and it is the foundation of the modern vampire movement.

  The implementation of Proper Vampirism™ depends upon three factors: who becomes a vampire, how they become a vampire, and what kind of vampire they become. Let us explore each of these factors in turn.

  Who Becomes a Vampire

  Not everyone can be a vampire. It just isn’t practical. Biologically speaking, we are apex predators, and as with any ecosystem, our survival depends on there being enough prey species to support us. Seven billion vampires would be impossible to sustain. The planet’s animal supply only survives today because many humans live off vegetables, grains, and processed foods.

  More importantly, though, not everyone DESERVES to be a vampire. This may be a harder concept to grasp. Many of you have grown up in a democratic society that teaches you everyone is exactly equal. This is patently untrue. Every person is unique, with certain strengths and weaknesses that make him or her more suited to one type of life than another. Certainly, you can seek to improve yourself, achieving through hard work what perhaps you were not naturally attuned for; however, one with no skill, aptitude, or experience cannot expect, for example, to become a doctor. Any society, like any chain, is only as strong, if you’ll pardon the cliché, as its weakest link. To include those predisposed to indulge their own desires, to give in to that which we are trying to rise above, undoes us all.

  So who are these most worthy, you may ask? Who are these people suited for an immortal life? The rich? The powerful? The beautiful? I think not. Wealth accrues over time. So does power. And as for beauty, what cosmetics cannot fix, cosmetic surgery surely can. High character, however, cannot be bought, intimidated, or seduced into being. It only comes about by overcoming hardship. This resilient and noble kind of person is who we are looking for. These are our vampires.

  So when eyeing a prospective vampire, ask yourself these simple questions:

  Is the person used to getting their way? Do they buy their way through situations with money or looks, or scrape by on the strength of their personality/intellect?

  What are their appetites? Do they indulge every whim and/or hedonistic desire? Do they delight in mere base, bodily pleasure? Or, perhaps, higher, intellectual distractions sustain them. Are they willing to sacrifice to achieve their goals?

  Why do they wish to become a vampire? There are many paths to immortality, and none is perfect. Each has its own drawbacks. Do they merely want to forestall the trials of aging, or are they drawn to us by our culture and society? Do they know anything about us at all, or do they just expect us to be shiny?

  How old are they? This, unfortunately, must be a consideration. Many of you may be tempted to turn loved ones and family members. Remember, a vampiric life does not magically undo the rigors of a long life. A ninety-year-old with a hip replacement is likely to remain a ninety-year-old with a hip replacement, albeit a stronger one, for all eternity. Moreover, their bad habits would be nearly impossible to break. Young people are able and, more importantly, willing to learn the way of Proper Vampirism™, but those who have aged in normal human society will want to continue living within that society instead of ours. To this end, anyone over the age of thirty-five will not be considered for vampirism. It may be harsh, but a century of experimentation has taught me that it is necessary. How They Become a Vampire

  Once a suitable candidate has been selected, there are steps that must be undertaken by the perspective and actual vampires to improve the outcome.

  Physique and Appearance: While obviously we eschew the naturally beautiful, aesthetically speaking, beauty is beauty. Oh, standards vary slightly from culture to culture and era to era, but less than many like to think. Men should always be strong and well-muscled. Women should always have full, firm breasts. You will find those who argue that being fat was once a sign of beauty. This is incorrect. Being fat was once a sign of wealth, which, at the time, was more important than beauty—especially to destitute artists who could not afford bread. In most cases, a strict workout-and-dietary regimen is all that is necessary to attain the required specifications. However, in the event that more extreme measures must be taken, we offer a number of cosmetic procedures, free of charge. It does not matter if you are in need of simple electrolysis or require facial reconstructive surgery, we will provide them. This is about making you the best possible version of yourself, because how you look reflects upon us all. Just not in a mirror. Haha.

  Tattoos: This is a new problem that has only arisen in the past few decades. Tattoos have become prevalent, even acceptable, in society, and as our greatest desire is to blend in with the culture around us, you might think that having one would be desirable. You would be wrong. ALL TATTOOS MUST BE REMOVED PRIOR TO BECOMING A VAMPIRE. There are several reasons for this. You are embarking on an immortal life and, therefore, must be able to adapt to changing times and standards. In a few years, however, the trend will change and tattoos will be dropped in favor of some other method of expressing individuality along with everyone else. Not only that, but depending on the location, style, and subject matter, your tattoo will date you. Remember, you won’t just have your tattoo for a few measly decades anymore; you’ll have it for an eternity. Laser removal does not yet work on vampires.

  Plus, tattoos just look tacky.

  For the vampire: Each vampire is allowed to sire, at most, three individuals. You may think this is an arbitrary rule but it is very important, and comes as a result of much scientific observation on my part. Since my rebirth as a vampire, I have sought to apply the concepts of genetics and selective breeding to our kind, which does not breed or pass on genes. What I have found is that as vampirism spreads down the line—generation to generation, from sire to sired—its effects become less pronounced. This may not seem like such a good thing, but it is, believe me. I, as one of the eldest-living first-sired vampires, cannot stand the sight of a cross, both figuratively, because I am an atheist, nor physically, because the vampire curse was not yet diluted enough in my time. However, thanks to the three-sire rule, few vampires today need fear garl
ic, cross, or holy water. Soon, some of you may even be able to step into the light of day. It is my dearest hope and is achievable with strict adherence to the threesire rule.

  Approval: Before turning, all prospective vampires must be brought to me for final approval. No exceptions. I have worked tirelessly for over a hundred years to turn us into something civilized and respectable, but we can only continue to evolve down this path with constant vigilance. All it takes is one bad apple, if you’ll once more pardon the cliché, to spoil the batch.

  What Kind of Vampire They Become

  Quite possibly, the most important category, and the reason why we must be scrupulous when choosing candidates, is how a person behaves once they’ve been turned. Proper Vampirism™ must be reflected not only in the proper aesthetic but also in the proper behaviors. Here is a guide to the minimum that is expected of a vampire.

  Feeding: First and foremost, blood will be on your mind. It is an insatiable need that has not diminished in the later generations of vampires. It is, however, manageable for those of sufficient self-control. Never has this been more important than now. We can no longer afford to kill anyone we feed on. People are too easily tracked with GPS. Witnesses are too easily believed with video phones. There are more police than at any other time in history, and they are more capable than ever. I don’t expect you all to be perfect; accidents will happen, after all. What we cannot have is a killing spree. One of those, and not only will it endanger our existence, it will endanger our reputation. Addendum: It is no longer necessary for us to hunt at all. Over the past few decades, a culture has risen up around us, and with it has come individuals willing to let us feed on them. The rules for feeding, therefore, have changed and are the same as the rules for sex, namely that feeding on unwilling humans is NOT acceptable under any circumstances. Those who argue it should be allowed in the event of an emergency would do well to remember they are immortal and can never starve to death.

  Sex: We are attempting to remake the image of vampirism into something desirable. As such, we cannot just be beautiful; we must back up that promise of beauty in the bedroom. All vampires must be spectacular lovers and will learn to be so. Emphasis on learn. I do not put sexual prowess into the criteria of who becomes a vampire, because I would rather someone with too little experience than too much. A blank canvas, I can work with. Breaking existing bad habits is far more difficult. Individual lessons will be given in proper intercourse; however, I will give a general overview. Vampire sex comes in two styles: passionately sensual or animalistic frenzy. There is no in-between. There are no other categories. Talking dirty is beneath us. Role-playing is redundant. Light bondage is acceptable. However, more extreme forms of fetishism are expressly forbidden. Again, you represent all of us, and even here, we must retain a level of respectability.

  And skill. After all, this is not about your own pleasure. Any human can indulge that. It takes an inhuman to give such mind-numbing ecstasy to another. Every act of lovemaking must last an hour and a half minimum and result in the sexual climax of your partner on at least three occasions. No exceptions.

  Addendum: Vampirism does not discriminate based on sexual preference or gender identification. We in the vampire community support our LGBT brothers and sisters and are proud to welcome them into the fold.

  Language: In maintaining our image, certain words are better than others. A vampire should exude mystery. Your speech cannot be littered with catchphrases or expressions that date you, unless they date you by fifty years. Likewise, a vampire should never try to relate to the modern age through language. The only thing sadder than a vampire who thinks you are “totally radical, dude” is one who thinks you are “totes hott OMG!” A vampire is a timeless being, remember that. Another faux pas is uncertainty. Vampiric speech cannot be filled with ers, uhs, or ums. Nor should it devolve into incessant chatter. If slow and steady won’t win you the race, then quiet always will. There is nothing sexier than the sullen, silent stranger.

  Addendum: As previously mentioned in the section on sex, cursing, by and large, should be avoided. While a good goddamn and well-placed hell are always welcome, other words have no place in the vampire vocabulary. Swear words are meant to be base, low things. Most reference excrement or sex, low concerns closer to those ancient, vile beasts than the modern vampire. Think of your perfect man or woman. Imagine seducing them with your vampire beauty. Now imagine opening your mouth and saying s--- or f--- or a--. You will not have to imagine them walking away.

  Bettering Yourself/Employment: An eternity is a long time. Believe me when I say you will get bored. You will need distractions. What better way than a job, you say. You can earn money and pass time. But not all professions are worthy of a vampire. A vampire must have a proper job. An artist, maybe, or a musician. A doctor or CEO. You may not be qualified for these professions, but you can be. Take classes. Earn degrees. Better yourself. Now that you are a vampire, you have all the time in the world. Note: Bettering one’s self should occur after becoming a vampire. Those who attempt to do so prior to the change are in danger of running into the age limit. Many of the mortal vampire “elders” came to be in just this way.

  By adhering to these rules, by screening who can become a vampire, by managing how they become a vampire, and by affecting what kind of vampire they become, we can make the vampire greater than it is today. Imagine a vampire that can walk in the sunlight or one that doesn’t drink blood. Imagine if we could create an immortal entity of pure beauty with absolutely no consequence. What a sight that would be. Together, we can make this vision a reality. By adhering to my very basic rules we can make sure that the path to Proper Vampirism™ goes through you!

  About the Author

  The Doctor Lord Talby was born in England over a hundred and twenty-five years ago. In that time, he has worked to make the vampire into what it has become today and, as such, has earned the title “Father of Modern Vampirism.” He maintains residences and medical practices in New York, London, and Beijing, but spends most of his time in LA.

  • •

  Yulric crushed the pamphlet when he finished reading it. He continued down the sewer drain, using curse words that pertained to sex and excrement.41 The Doctor Lord Talby would not have approved.

  Chapter 16

  Amanda enjoyed three whole days of blissful normalcy. Three days of working, sleeping, and watching TV without a looming shadow falling over her or a furious howl waking her up. Of believing that the rotting old monster was never, ever going to come back. It was wonderful.

  Then, just after sunset on the fourth evening, Yulric stormed out of the cellar and made a beeline for the couch.

  “So, you’re back, then?” she asked. He did not answer, but with an intensity not usually seen in those about to watch TV, threw open a Phantom Vampire Mysteries DVD case and inserted it into the player.

  “Where’d you go after the club?” she tried, hoping for a little insight. Still, he did not respond. He put on a season-one episode, but skipped over it completely, stopping only to watch the credits go by. At the name of the executive producer, he paused the screen.

  “Boy!” he bellowed.

  “What?” came an answering call from upstairs.

  “Bring me books and maps,” the vampire shouted back. The scurry of footsteps could be heard above as Simon ran about his room collecting his favorite things.

  “Well, it looks like you two will be busy,” she said. “If you’d just keep an eye on my brother while I’m at work.” Still, he did not acknowledge her presence. He took out the first DVD and put in another, this one a show from the early ’90s about a detective who goes undercover as a vampire, the twist being that he is already, secretly, a vampire. Again, he skipped the entire episode and went right to the credits.

  Amanda slung her purse over her shoulder and was on her way out.

  “I do not think they will ever let you join them.”

  Amanda spun around to ask what he had meant by tha
t, but the vampire was turned away, looking for an earlier TV series about a late-night radio psychologist looking for love. Amanda drove away that night convincing herself that he hadn’t spoken at all, that it had just been her imagination.

  Nearby, a phone call was made.

  • •

  It was seven days before anything happened. After all, schedules had to be changed, limos had to be called, jets needed to be chartered, more limos had to be called, suites needed to be booked, room service had to be ordered (for appearances), autographs needed to be signed for waiters’ nieces, who were “really big fans,” and finally, hotel rooms had to be sneaked out of without the paparazzi noticing, which is a feat only an immortal could possibly achieve.

  It was difficult to walk through the Linskes’ living room at this time. Books and maps littered every inch of floor space between couch and television, as well as a few other places, the vampire having a habit of tossing books across the room when frustrated. Yulric had not moved in a week, but skittered across his piles of papers cross-referencing the name Talby in book acknowledgments and DVD credits. What Yulric was looking for was not exactly clear; Simon had handed him the man’s Los Angeles post-office box, printed from the Phantom Studios home page. The siblings merely supposed the ancient creature refused to believe his quarry would publicly boast of his location.

  Amanda knew she should be thanking her lucky stars; this new Yulric was practically a dream. He showed absolutely no sign of killing anyone other than this Talby he was searching for and paid very little attention to the humans at all. His nest of research aside, he had become less trouble than owning a dog or a cat. Yet, Amanda still couldn’t shake the feeling that soon the other shoe would drop.