Amrita

by Usha Rajagopalan

  "What's the hot topic?" asked Raghu, taking her by surprise.

  "I didn't hear the car. . ."

  "We came together. I had been to his office and yes, Sundar, I didn't tell you what your boss Shah has to say about your work. . . okay, okay, I won't keep you in suspense. He thinks you have potential but you need to be systematic and organised. I have assured him that you will learn the ropes soon."

  "That I will!" Sundar exclaimed fervently. "Did he say | anything about raising my salary?"

  "It is too soon to expect an increase. You concentrate on doing a sincere job and keeping him happy. In any case, why are you so eager for a raise? Are you sending money home?"

  Sundar hesitated momentarily before replying.

  "Good. Your mother. . . your parents will be very happy. I will talk to Shah about raising your pay the next time I meet him. He is a good chap and will understand your problem."

  However, within a week Sundar came to Raghu to help him get another job.

  "It is not as easy as you think. You shouldn't have quit so suddenly."

  "What can I do, Uncle? They were making me slog like a donkey. The salary they promised was no compensation for so much work."

  "Well, I'll see what I can do," said Raghu.

  Sundar could now entertain Kamala the whole day with his jokes and glib talk. However she was conscious of Maya's disapproval and did not contribute to the conversation. He didn't need any cues, just somebody's physical presence while he held forth. One day she realised that he no longer talked about his parents.

  "Oh, they are fine," he said. "At least mom and Gauri are. I believe dad isn't too well."

  "What happened to him?"

  "Well, he has always been ailing with something or the other and mom gets into a flap trying to find the money for his treatment."

  "Don't you want to visit him?"

  "Not really. In fact, he might feel worse after seeing me. I told you, he's always felt that I would never make good and now I am beginning to wonder if he could be right after all. I can't even hold on to a job long enough to prove myself to dad."

  He played listlessly with his food and Kamala was sorry that she had raised the topic at all.

  "Don't worry, your time will come."

  "But when?"

  "Who can answer that? There's no point in worrying. Uncle will get you another job. Maybe that will be the right one for you," Kamala consoled him.

  ***

  11

  undar left as suddenly as he had come when you telephoned about your father's demise," said Kamala auntie. "I was sorry that he couldn't stay longer to realise his dreams. By the time he came back, some four months later, Maya's wedding was fixed with Ganesh. I never thought it would happen so quickly. A few families had refused to even consider an alliance with us because of Amrita. Others demanded a dowry way beyond our means. If we gave them the roof above our heads what will we do in our old age when he's no longer capable of earning? And what about planning for Amrita? Even then I might have been tempted, but Raghu was adamant."

  "'Would a house, a few acres of land, so many sovereigns of gold and silver vessels change the fact that Maya's sister is not normal?" he asked.' He had a point. So we waited."

  Her story was proceeding too fast. I needed clarifications.

  "But what was Maya's reaction to this? To your decision to get her married?" I asked.

  "Of course she protested. Uncle had to convince her. Those days were hell! She went with her sister to the ashram ground the whole day. You have been indoors with me all the time, so you won't know anything about this ground next door. You can see it from the corner of the window from your room."

  "Oh yes!" I said, switching my mind from Maya to my room upstairs. The first time I opened the shutters of the two windows I had noticed that one of them looked out on the road beyond the front yard and the other gave a glimpse of what looked like a field. A field? I didn't ask Sundar about it since he had been in no mood for small talk.

  "I did notice that place. What's it?" I asked Kamala auntie.

  "It belongs to a group of Swaminarayan devotees. Most of them are rich Patels with a foreign connection. With their generous donation, the sect has bought that large ground and set up the ashram. It is good agricultural land and they are using it very well. Sometimes they sell the excess milk and vegetables to outsiders. It is so fresh that it gets sold out immediately. I've never been able to buy anything even once."

  "What did Maya and her sister do there?" I asked, bringing her back to her narration.

  "Who knows?" Kamala auntie shrugged. "I only knew they went there all the time. Will she let me ask her anything? I kept a close watch on her. She had clearly lost interest in the garden and the plants began to wither. On some days she wouldn't even take their meals to her room. She began to lose weight and looked wan. I knew something was troubling her seriously but she wasn't going to tell me about it. Even today, Gauri, she doesn't want to talk to me," she said, not bothering to hide her tears.

  Kamala auntie may have begun her narration by using me as a confidante but now she couldn't stop till she had purged the rancour, the heartbreak and the anguish from her system. Perhaps then, I hoped, she may find peace.

  "Daughters cling to their mothers when they leave their maternal home," she continued. "But Maya was happy to see the last of me. She probably did not realise that she was also leaving behind her father and her beloved sister. The only time she spoke to me was after the wedding, to say that the maid had left and there was no one to look after Amrita. She also started saying something about your brother but I was in a hurry to attend to the guests. I told her not to worry, that I would take care of her sister."

  Her ravaged face grew smaller. I almost reached out to comfort her but she composed herself with admirable strength.

  "Gauri, I shall always regret this one lapse on my part – that I did not listen to her that day. I did not let her finish whatever she had wanted to tell me. I didn't find out what was troubling her so badly. . . If I had, perhaps my Amrita would have been alive today."

  Her face crumpled once again. I tried to distract her.

  "How did you get to know about Ganesh?"

  "Through your brother," she said, cheering up. "Yes, it was Sundar who told us about Ganesh, the cousin of a colleague in his office, the one in which he had worked for a short while before he resigned and went home. I'll always remain grateful to him for getting a groom for Maya. He said the boy's parents were particular only about the girl. They wanted a widow or a divorcee or someone whose family couldn't afford the dowry and other expenses. When I heard this I thought there must be something wrong with them or with the boy. Nowadays, the intention is to drain the last drop of blood from the girl's family. To avoid any legal wrangle they may conceal their demands under other names but they cannot hide their fangs or sheath their claws for long. Ganesh's parents, however, took pride in being different. They did not even ask for Maya's horoscope. Again I wondered whether the boy was not quite normal and that was why they did not make any demand, but he's perfectly all right. Of average looks and height but very well qualified. He's an engineer in a large company. The only thing he asked was an opportunity to talk to Maya privately. I was aghast, but uncle gave him permission. We sat in the next room apparently intent in our talk but I was listening for any sound from her. It was the first time she was meeting a stranger, a man, all alone. I didn't know what she would tell him. I didn't want her to blabber something and make the boy reject her. Fortunately, things turned out well and we had the wedding soon after."

  Her face reflected her mood and shone with the cheeriness of the sun after a cloudburst.

  "It was the first joyous occasion in our house and your uncle did not stint at all. We invited almost everyone we know. Of course, they were mostly his friends. We got Maya a superb trousseau, no less than eight heavy Kanchipuram silk saris, gold and silver jewellery and vessels. And of course, gifts for the groom and his people. His
parents were shocked at the lavishness of it all. Uncle finally told them that Maya's was the only wedding in our family so he would like to do it in style. Ganesh's father kept quiet but I could see he was not happy about the expense. His wife was more reasonable. She kept fingering the saris and telling others to admire this and that."

  "And Maya?" I asked.

  "What will she have to say? Throughout the ceremony she sat with a grumpy face. Every so often she looked at her wristwatch as if she was bored or she watched the people who had come for the ceremony. I had to remind her not to look around so shamelessly. She hadn't wanted a grand function but uncle and I just ignored her and did as we wished."

  "What about Amrita? How did she respond to the crowd and the noise?" I asked, squashing a mosquito on my forearm and looking closely at the blob of blood with the flattened insect. The impact of my blow had even separated the thin legs from the body.

  Kamala auntie got up to close the windows. She believed that mosquitoes entered the house at sunset so she sealed all the windows and doors early to keep them out. Despite her precaution they still made it impossible for us to sit without hitting ourselves on the cheeks, arms and legs. To make matters worse I was wearing a brown dress and dark colours seem to attract more mosquitoes than otherwise.

  "Coffee?" she asked.

  I pulled her by the hand and made her sit down.

  "I don't want anything except to listen to you. There isn't much time left. He'll return in a few hours and then you won't be able to talk freely with me. So, tell me, how did Amrita react to the wedding?" I asked.

  Her face clouded and she paused as if seeking the right words.

  "He did not want her to attend the wedding," she said at last in a low voice. "He said she might get upset since she was not used to seeing so many people."

  "Oh, the wedding was held here?" I looked around. The rooms were not large and there wasn't too much space outside the house either.

  "At a choultry, not far from here."

  "Was someone with her?" I asked.

  "Of course! We were not going to just lock her up in the house on her own. At Maya's insistence we had got a maid to look after Amrita. Hansabehn began working a month earlier so that Maya could train her. She didn't seem to think highly of the woman but neither did she complain about her. Just as well, since we'd got her with a great deal of difficulty. No one was prepared to look after a child like Amrita. Actually, there was no need to get anyone because I would have easily looked after her myself. I had done it till Revabehn and then Maya took over. Who else will do it but the mother? But I didn't protest when she wanted to hire a maid. Maya wouldn't have listened to me."

  "What happened then?"

  "Well, the wedding took place. Everything went off without a hitch. The guests were full of praise for the food, the arrangements, everything. Maya was flooded with gifts though nothing brought a smile to her face. We didn't have a reception in the evening since the groom's party wanted to leave that night itself. Uncle had tried to get them to postpone their departure by a couple of days but they were adamant and we didn't want to antagonise them in any way. They seemed very nice but we couldn't take any chances."

  "How's Maya? Happy. . . I hope?" I asked and a smile spread to auntie's eyes.

  "Very happy. Of course, she hasn't told me anything directly but uncle rings her up once in a while. She doesn't ask for me. She doesn't know that I hang around the telephone every time her father talks to her," Kamala auntie's voice fell and the light withdrew from her eyes.

  For the second time in my life I was seeing the face of defeat. The first had been daring Kittu's stay in the hospital, his last.

  He had spent his last days watching the waves rise and fall from the window of his room. The breeze would fling the curtain inside and he would try to catch it. He couldn't since the fabric was not long enough to flutter within his faltering reach. He didn't mind losing but I felt bad. I offered to close the window and keep the teasing breeze out. He wouldn't hear of it.

  "How will I admire the waves then?" he asked. "Just see the contrast between us. Life is ebbing from me and there is no way I can surge forward with new vigour. And look at the waves . . . they recede but do they give up? No! They come back with greater force. There's a lot to learn from those waves, child. They teach you not to give up. Withdraw, if you must but don't surrender. Come back with more strength. This is the secret of success, I now realise."

  The look on his face constricted my throat. We sat without speaking, Kittu and I, till a nurse came in importantly and rebuked me for letting 'the patient' lie in the dark. She switched on the light. We could no longer see the waves in the gathering gloam but the sound of the incessant swell, heaving and falling continued into the night lulling Kittu to sleep while I watched him. The next morning he died.

  It is only in movies that nature reflects the mood of the actors. I went to the beach with my heart breaking into a million pieces but the day was bright and the water a sparkling blue. At a distance some fishermen were plying their boats. The crows that had winged to me so eagerly, hopped with every step I took. They couldn't seem to accept that I had nothing to give them. I removed my sandals just above the line of the water. I was about to let the waves wash over my feet when I remembered that I would have to return to the hospital and take charge of Kittu's body. I couldn't do that with sand sticking to my legs. The larger grains may fall off but the fine black particles would give me away. I walked along the water's edge keeping an eye on the scalloping foam and moving out of its way when it came too close to me.

  Kamala auntie and I were playing a similar game, of skirting the issue and moving away every time it reared its head. I could not let her parry with me any longer. I was leaving the next day.

  "How did Amrita die?" I asked.

  ***

  Maya left her parental home on the night of her wedding with Ganesh and his family. She stayed with Amrita till it was time for her to depart. Kamala had expected her daughter to protest or create a scene that she didn't want to leave Amrita behind, but Maya had been quite composed. However, as she got into the car, her eyes filled and she kept her head down, not responding to her parents' last minute instructions. When the car started moving, she turned to the window and looked up, towards what was her room. Seeing the deep sorrow on her face made Kamala forget the many years of differences between them. Her grief at her daughter leaving her parental home caused a sudden blankness of vision but she thought Maya kept looking behind, even while the car was moving away.

  Kamala and Raghu re-entered the house. It had always been a very silent place even when Maya was there but now it seemed as if with her leaving, the silence had become deeper. The furniture in every room had been pushed towards the wall to give more space in the middle and yet, the impression she got was one of clutter and disorder. Flowers were scattered everywhere. Most of them were red rose petals and jasmine that had fallen from the women's hair and some, intertwined with bits of gold thread, came from the garlands that Maya and Ganesh had worn. The garlands themselves, their purpose served, had been discarded and hung, one from the top of a door and the other on a nail in the wall.

  Kamala picked up the plates with the remains of betel leaves, arecanut and lime that the guests had eaten after their dinner. There was a lot of clearing to do but she found even lifting an arm required immense will power and effort. Nevertheless, she forced herself to roll up the durries and reed mats and stacked them along the wall. Raghu walked restlessly up and down, coming in Kamala's way as she cleared the room. Finally, when she entered with a broom he said, "Leave it. The maid's coming tomorrow, let her do it. Go and lie down. It's late."

  With her body screaming for rest, it was tempting to obey him but she hesitated.

  "What about Amrita?" she asked.

  "What about her?" returned Raghu.

  "Shouldn't I see what she's doing?"

  "Sleeping obviously. What else will she do at this time of the night? Maya told m
e specifically that she has explained everything to her. You can take over from tomorrow. Let her sleep now. Ah, Sundar . . . you are back. You didn't wait for the train to leave?"

  "Ganesh and his father insisted that I should not stay, that you and auntie would be upset about Maya leaving. I told them that you'll be all right but they wouldn't hear of it. They said there were enough men in their group and they would manage their luggage so I came back."

  "What did Maya say?" Kamala couldn't help asking.

  "Nothing. She was too busy crying and the other women were trying to console her. Imagine, she was so cool while leaving and once she reached the railway station, she broke down. I felt sorry for her. It's difficult for girls, isn't it? Leaving their parents' home and starting afresh in another house?"

  "All girls go through this phase and they adjust very well. Just wait and see. Maya will soon forget about us and will not want to leave her husband's side even for a day," Raghu laughed and Sundar joined him but Kamala's mind had become a vacuum. She gave in to her fatigue and went to bed while the men talked some more.

  She woke up hearing a sudden loud noise. Her body ached as if it had passed through a mill. Slowly the noises began to make sense. It was Sundar talking in a low voice that cracked and picked up and cracked again. Kamala wondered if they had not gone to sleep at all the previous night, for it was now morning. It was still dark but rapidly becoming bright outside. She knew she would have to get up but her limbs felt heavy and lethargic.

  What's with that fellow? Why is he up so soon and whom is he talking to? Obviously Raghu. Who else is there?

  Another male voice joined Sundar's, a strange authoritative one, loud, persistent, questioning to which Raghu mumbled a reply. That stirred Kamala into wakefulness. Was he ill? Why did he sound troubled? She got up hurriedly and went to the front room. She had heard only three voices but the room seemed full of men, all strangers except for a couple of familiar faces from the neighbourhood. There were more people in the front yard, peeping in. As one they turned to look at her when she entered. Her heart seemed to stop beating and she stood still.