Amrita

by Usha Rajagopalan

  She had projected herself as a woman wronged, the misunderstood mother, an innocent victim. Her agony had been real, her sorrow deep and her regret genuine, I had no reason to disbelieve her. Maya, however, did not seem the villain her mother had portrayed her to be. One of the two women was hiding behind a façade. I had to find out who it was or accept that I was the biggest fool ever.

  Hearing my name brought me back to the present.

  "Gauri, is this your first trip to Bombay?" asked Ganesh.

  "Yes."

  "Don't you want to do any sightseeing?" asked Raghu. "Maya seems to have enjoyed herself."

  "I certainly did but do you have the time to take her around? I thought you've come here on office work? Ganesh won't be able to. He's terribly busy these days and comes home very late. I'm still new to the place so that leaves you," Maya told her father.

  "Oh, I can't. I've to catch the afternoon flight for Lucknow tomorrow. Before that I have a couple of meetings to attend. Gauri, I'll get the office peon to book your ticket for 9th night. Today is the 6th. That'll give you three full days to go around."

  Ganesh and Maya looked at each other. I solved their dilemma.

  "No problem. I'd love to spend the time with Maya at home. I'd heard so much about her from Kamala auntie."

  Maya looked sharply at me.

  Aha, the fish was biting.

  ***

  Ganesh and Raghu left home together after breakfast. Maya went to the balcony to see them off from her vantage point and I followed her.

  The balcony. It was too royal a name for the minuscule rectangular projection in the wall but this was Maya's most favourite place in the whole house, not that she had much to choose from. She lived in a two-room flat on the fourth floor of an old building that had only a steep narrow staircase, no lift. The balcony was her window to the outside world. From here she could watch the boys play cricket within the narrow confines of the compound, see the regulars on their daily routine and visitors to the building or watch the unending traffic on the main road just outside the compound.

  Ganesh did not let his father-in-law's presence stop him from turning around and waving to his wife before going out of the gate. Maya felt the clothes hanging on the line, found them still damp and turned them over. A crow swooped down and perched on the narrow ledge, cawing loudly.

  "Meet Blackie. This is his feeding time," she said, fetching a handful of cooked rice.

  No sooner had she kept it on the ledge than the crow began to eat, jabbing and scattering the soft rice in a nervous hurry.

  "Let him eat in peace," she said and returned to the living room. "It's good to have someone to talk to, Gauri. I get bored sometimes."

  "Your mother's bored too. You should ask your father to leave her here when he goes on tours," I suggested, helping her clear the dining table.

  Maya wiped the table carefully without replying. I kept quiet like an angler waiting for the tug on the line. She must have felt my eyes.

  "What did she tell you?" she asked abruptly, crushing the sponge and dripping water on the floor.

  "Oh, just about how you were as a child.

  "She told you what a hateful child I was and how she wished I'd never been born?"

  "Hey, relax. Her message for you was that she's missing you. She'd like you to visit her, talk to her.

  "Talk! She didn't want to listen to me when I was with her. I've nothing more to tell her," she turned to leave the room, her nostrils flaring in rage.

  "Maya. . ." I ran behind her. "Look, Maya, I'm sorry if I have upset you. I didn't mean to. I'm only the messenger, remember?"

  She patted my shoulder.

  "Sorry. I shouldn't have burst out like this. You're my guest. I should treat you like one."

  "No, Maya. I'd rather you think of me as your younger sister. Your mother did tell me a great deal about you and Amrita. By talking to me, a stranger, she was able to unburden herself without the fear of her words rebounding on her. They shall remain safe with me. I'll not even tell you what she told me. I don't want to sound terribly curious but you're welcome to use me the same way as your mother did to get rid of the bitterness and the resentment. You've just started your married life. Begin it as a new chapter," I said.

  She slumped on a chair and I took a seat opposite hers.

  After a good five minutes, she looked at me and said, "You're right. I should forget the past. I don't want to know what she said about me but I'll tell you what really happened."

  ***

  Childhood memories never die easily. Maya found that some incidents simply refused to leave her. Like the time she found out how her sister was different from her.

  Her neighbour and playmate, Rajesh stood just inside his gate and would not let her enter his compound.

  "I can't play with you," he said. "You have a mad sister. . ."

  That made her clutch the iron grill with both hands. Mad? What was that? Nobody had told her about it, not even Revabehn. What was this 'mad'? While she was mulling over it, Rajesh ran away home.

  "Come back. . ." she shouted, but he didn't even turn around to look at her.

  That was the end of their friendship. It had lasted for exactly six months, ever since he moved to the locality and looked around for somebody to play with after school.

  Maya couldn't ask anyone what Rajesh had meant. She knew her mother would brush her off, so would her father. Revabehn would begin a long story that would make her forget what she had asked her in the first place. She did want to find out what was wrong with her sister. She went upstairs to their room. As usual, Amrita sat in her corner sucking a thumb and rocking on her haunches.

  "Chee. . . how messy! Take it out."

  She sat on the floor and pulled her sister's hand away from her mouth.

  "Only babies do such things. You're not a baby. You're my elder sister. Wipe your mouth."

  Amrita looked at her.

  "You don't understand? I said wipe your mouth," Maya gestured with her hand. Her sister smiled uncertainly.

  "Are you deaf? Let me do it for you," she took the hem of Amrita's skirt and wiped her mouth.

  "Don't do it again. Don't put your finger in your mouth. I don't do it. Your teeth will pop out like this. . ."

  Her gesture evoked another tentative smile.

  "So, you do understand. Now, what's special about you? Let me see. Eyes, ears, nose, mouth. . . you have them all," she muttered. "Now stand up," she ordered and tried to lift the other girl to her feet.

  "You're heavy! You know why? You don't do anything the whole day. Just eat and sleep and rock on your bottom. I'm sure I'm stronger than you are. I play a lot, not like you."

  Maya stood shoulder to shoulder with Amrita.

  "You're fairer and just a little taller than me but that can't be the reason why he called you mad. Rajesh is also tall. Both of you are older, that's why. When I'm your age I'll be tall too. Maybe if I drink more milk everyday I'll also become fair. So, what's left? Your eyes. . . Yes, they're small and narrow. Look at mine."

  Maya widened her eyes and stared into Amrita's face. She then looked into the mirror till her nose touched the smooth surface.

  "See, I told you my eyes are bigger than yours. I also like my nose better. Yours is too small, flat, almost nothing and suddenly a little upturned tip. I suppose that doesn't matter so long as you can breathe. So actually, the only difference between you and me is that you rock and suck your thumb. I don't. If I do this, will I also become mad?"

  She sat down once again in front of her sister and began to rock like her. Soon both girls were moving back and forth, occasionally bumping their heads. Amrita's smile was no longer unsure. She was changing the tempo and direction to match Maya's. It had become a game that she had never played before. That was how Kamala saw her daughters when she entered the room. She stood petrified for a moment, then rushed inside and hauled Maya to her feet.

  "Don't do that again. . . don't you dare. . . I'll kill you if I see you lik
e that. . ." she screamed, till Maya managed to extricate herself and run out of the room.

  She didn't know what she had done to upset her mother so badly. Whatever it was, she hadn't done it deliberately. The injustice rankled long enough to leave a scar in her memory.

  After this day, however, Amrita changed slightly towards her sister. She smiled at her or even got up from her spot to stand beside her though she did not give up sucking her thumb. Maya, in her turn continued to observe her sister since she still hadn't found any difference between them. She kept a distance though since Kamala had warned her to stay away from Amrita.

  Revabehn thought otherwise.

  "You should spend more time with her. Only then, she'll accept you. After all, you'll have to take care of her later," she said pouring water over the girl.

  "You are there to look after her." Maya closed her eyes tightly to prevent the soap from entering her eyes.

  "For how long? I'll grow old. A day will come when I'll no longer be able to work then what will happen to her?"

  "Why, amma's there. . . oh! Will she grow old too?"

  "Of course. So will you some day. You are young. You have many years to live. Not like me, an old hag."

  "You're not old. . . not very old. . . not yet," Maya clarified. "Tell me, Revabehn, why are your teeth like this? So black and some missing?'

  "This is the work of the tambacu. I know it's very bad for the teeth. It has dissolved so many of them. I can stay without food but not without tambacu."

  She began to undress the older girl. Maya looked at Amrita closely and shook her head. No difference at all. Amrita's body looked like hers, everywhere. She did not want to question the maid directly.

  "Do you think that's why Amrita's teeth are not white like mine?" she asked instead. "But I've never seen her chew tambacu though."

  "My little girl won't pick up bad habits. If only she'd brush her teeth properly everyday, they'll be clean. A neem stick is the best but you people use toothpaste."

  Amrita's head wobbled as the maid scrubbed her scalp with her fingertips.

  "Why don't you help her? Teach her to brush her teeth. Teach her all those other things you do yourself. She'll learn quickly from you rather than from me or your mother."

  Maya did not have the time to teach her sister anything. Her days were already full even without a companion to play with. The pace was to become even more hectic when her father took her to school one day.

  Raghu held her hand tightly and walked so fast, she had to trot. For every single step of his she had to take two. What was worse was that it didn't give her time to look around. The buildings with so many windows and doors were scattered and yet looked the same with peeling paint, dangling shutters and tiles that threatened to fall any minute. Maya would have loved to watch that happen, to see it shatter into fragments. Even as she was speeding past, she spied a rectangular iron bar hanging from the verandah of a long building.

  That's strange! What on earth would anyone use it for?

  She was to learn that it had different meanings depending on the time of the day that the peon hit it. It was the bell of doom in the morning and of freedom in the evening.

  Raghu whisked her past more buildings. It was like trying to count the bogies while the train was speeding. Her father stopped only once, to ask someone for directions and off they sped again. This time along a corridor with little mounds of dry leaves, past a line of silent rooms crowded with benches and desks that seemed to stare enviously at her through the doors and windows, up a few steps till they stopped before the open doors of a big hall.

  Her father left her outside while he went in. That was when she realised how loudly she was breathing. She looked around to see if others could also hear it but the only people present were all in the hall and no one seemed interested. This was how she breathed, in thick gasps, trying to catch Rajesh while playing 'chor police'. He would insist on being the thief and she had to be the cop.

  "Don't you know that the thief runs so fast that the police is never able to catch him? They show it in all movies. You are slow, you have to be the police and I'il be the chor."

  His legs weren't as long as her father's but he could run very fast, his legs pumping up and down like a racing cyclist. After chasing Rajesh for a while, she would give up, air going in and out of her drying mouth in bursts that seemed too big for her narrow chest.

  By the time her breathing became normal her father came out with a satisfied look on his face and they stood there waiting. Maya wondered if she should ask him why and decided against it. She was always full of questions that nobody answered, neither appa nor amma. They just kept piling up and troubling her. If he didn't give a reply to this one, it would join the rest.

  Something's going to happen, that's why we're waiting. I'll then get the answer myself even without asking.

  It was a little trick she played sometimes, of not letting a question finish itself. She either smothered it with a prompt answer or simply ignored it and it shrivelled and died. She could handle the innocent ones this way, those that did not demand an answer but not the other, the more persistent ones. They bothered her for a long time till she found out the answer herself or decided rather reluctantly that they probably had no solution. They remained with their little '?' even when they grew old. This time she didn't have long to wait. After a while, a man peeped out of the hall and beckoned to them. Her father sprang to him eagerly. The man didn't say anything, only gestured to a door at the end of the corridor. Maya wondered if he was dumb.

  Poor fellow. . . hey, wait a minute! His cheeks are puffed out like Revabehn's. His lips are red though. She said hers are not red because she eats only tambacu. Yes, his mouth is full of paan. That's why he cannot open his mouth.

  She was right. He chomped the mix of betel leaf, spices, arecanut and whatnot. He would have to spit out some of the stuff to talk to Raghu who did not look important enough for him to waste words or goo. Raghu seemed to understand the man and led her down the corridor in the direction of the pointed finger.

  Maya was relieved that her father was not galloping any more. She would have loved to hear the sound of their shoes on the hushed floor but they walked quietly and the stillness was not disturbed. He knocked gently on a door and they heard a shout from within. Once again her father seemed to know what it meant before she could catch on and he went in, still holding her hand.

  They were in the office of the Headmistress. The most important room in the school, she learnt later. Depending on the nature of the offence, a trip to the office could evoke enough fear to make one want to pee in one's clothes. Right then, however, she didn't know this and docilely followed her father and sat on a chair. The woman on the other side of the table was not interesting. She was just an ordinary fat woman in a bright green sari that made her look darker. Maya did not understand why her father had to cringe before her and plead so much especially when he was not used to it. At home, he usually asked for something once and amma ran to do it. And here he was, trying to please this unknown woman.

  Maya gazed around the room in a wide-eyed slow motion. It seemed imposingly huge with a long table right in the middle and chairs on all sides. The headmistress sat at a smaller table with two chairs facing her. On the wall behind her was a large framed photograph of Mahatma Gandhi. Maya sat on the edge of her chair, trying to touch the floor with one foot. She was not interested in the adult talk but some words caught her attention.

  "This girl's perfectly normal," her father said. "There won't be any problem at all, I can assure you. I do want at least one child to study well. . ."

  "What do you say, girl?" the formidable lady demanded looking at Maya over her glasses poised on the tip of her nose. "Are you going to make your father happy?"

  Maya smiled weakly, not knowing what it was all about. Her lack of response seemed to displease the woman in some way for she frowned at her and then glared at Raghu who hastened to reassure the headmistress once again about his
daughter's mental alacrity while giving her a tight pinch on her thigh under the table. She squirmed but was too frightened to make a noise, scared now of both her father and the woman whom he was eager to impress.

  "Madam, I assure you, this child is normal. Give the other one some more time. She will improve, I'm sure."

  He went on and on, listening politely every time she said something and then begging and pleading once again.

  This is a superwoman! She has such power over appa!

  Maya felt a sneaking respect for the woman though she did not like her any more now than before.

  She could not understand the significance of school in one's existence. After all, she hadn't missed it in all her six years and, if left alone, would have been quite all right without ever going to one. But, she remembered, all children had to go to school at some point or the other. Rajesh had said so. And he did. He still went to school. Apparently all children join a school and come out when they were much older. He had also told her about the boys and girls in his class, the crowds in the other 'sections', the teachers, the lessons, something called 'homework' which had made her think that she would have to sweep and mop in school like Revabehn did at home. He had laughed at her ignorance and said that it meant one had to read and write at home as well. That had seemed rather unfair. Surely, when one left school, one could forget about it till the next morning? Apparently that was not enough.

  Rajesh had been a good guide while their friendship lasted and had briefed her well. Even then, she was not prepared for what seemed like a sea of heads when she was led to her classroom a few days later. As one, everybody turned to her when she entered the room.

  She did not know where to look while the teacher muttered under her breath about crowding and finally told her to sit somewhere. Maya sat on the third bench at the end but as soon as the bell rang and the teacher left, she had to move to the middle, where she felt like a prisoner.