"You poor thing!" said Maya, coming out of her reverie. "You are admiring our little garden! You don't know what a wide world it is outside. Hey, that's what I will do. I'll take you out. Show you what it's like beyond the walls of our compound."
In her excitement her voice rose and she quickly lowered it.
"Wait here. Let me see what amma is doing. If she's busy, we can go. Just a quick walk. We'll return before she realises we've gone out."
She did not pause to think or worry about the consequence of her action. For the second time in her life she gave in to her impulse. The first time was when she got into a fight with her classmate over her sister. Once again she was prepared to run a risk for her sister's sake.
Maya did not need to see what Kamala was doing. The electric mixer roared so loudly that the sound of even the doorbell or the ring of the telephone would have been drowned. Nevertheless, Maya closed the door and the gate without making a noise. No one was around, not even the stray dog that had made its home outside the gate. Amrita hung behind her.
"It's been ages since I went out anywhere! We'll just go down the road and come back. This is the first outing for you and I don't want to exert you. But if you are a good girl and do your work well, I shall take you out more often. What do you say?" she turned to her sister.
Amrita was chewing her fingernails. Her fair skin seemed even paler with two pink spots on the cheeks. Maya knew it was not caused by the thrill of adventure. Her sister was scared.
"Ammukutti, don't be frightened. Nothing will happen. You don't have to worry about anything or anyone when I am with you. Amma is busy in the kitchen and doesn't even know where we are. "
In the excitement of taking her sister for a walk, Maya did not notice her neighbour watching them and calling out to his wife to come and see 'the next door girls'. Amrita dragged her feet. She was clearly reluctant to go any further. At last, Maya gave up the struggle and brought her back to the secure familiarity of their home. They hadn't gone even to the end of the road. While her sister recovered from her experience Maya exulted that she had done something without the knowledge of her parents. She was so confident that they had not been noticed that when her father called her she thought he had bought a gift for Amrita and ran down the steps.
Raghu stood at the foot of the steps. He had nothing in his hands, not even his usual newspaper. Maya slowed down automatically but there were not many steps left and too soon she had reached him.
"What's this I hear?" he asked.
"I don't know."
"Don't act as if you are innocent. You know very well what you did today. Why? Why did you do it?"
Maya gulped. She felt blood drain from her face. She clenched both hands behind her back. At least that way he couldn't see them shaking.
"Well?"
She took a deep breath. "I took her out today. Not far, just outside the house. . ."
"Why? Did she ask you to?"
"No . . . I felt like it . . . like making today special for her. . ."
"What's so special about today? Did I die?"
"It . . . it is her birthday. . ."
"Oh, yes . . .yes. . . that does indeed call for celebration. Kamala, why didn't you cook a feast today? Don't you know it's your daughter's birthday?"
Maya kept her eyes fixed on the ground. She couldn't bring herself to look up and let him see her reaction.
"Forget about her, how old are you, may I ask?"
"Twenty-one."
"That's old, isn't it? Old enough to take decisions. Old enough to know what's good for your sister and what isn't? What are you going to do tomorrow? Take her to the beach? I forgot, there are no beaches here."
Maya flushed and took a quick breath. She let it out slowly. She was not going to show her feelings, not then.
"Let me make one thing very clear to you. So long as I'm alive and you are with me I insist that you obey me. I don't want your sister to be seen outside the house. Is that clear?"
Maya nodded. She was beyond speech.
"You may go now. And mind you, no more excursions, birthdays or any other days, got it?"
She nodded once again and went to her room. Amrita had gone to bed. She had seemed rather tired with the unaccustomed strain.
Maybe the sun was too much for her. Poor girl! She's not used to such excitement.
Maya looked at Amrita lying on her side, cheek resting on a palm. Sleeping or awake her mouth always remained partly open. She gently brought the lips together and smiled to herself as they opened out like a bud when she took her hand away. She went to bed but couldn't sleep. Her father's words came back to her in an echoic replay.
Why did he have to be so harsh? Can't we have a life of our own without worrying about what he would say? Are we to become his shadows like amma? Okay, she's married to him and Amrita is like this but what about me? Don't I have any right, any freedom in this house? Am I to remain bound within like a prisoner? When will I become free from this bondage?
She got up from the bed and went to the window. It was so dark that she couldn't even see the silhouette of the trees in their garden, their little garden that she had struggled to create.
Everything has been one big battle. Each step, an achievement. Whether it is Ammu learning something new or I doing something on my own. I have not asked them for anything all these years. How long can I continue like this? I don't want to lead such a life any longer. I might be able to survive on my own but what about my sister? I can't leave without her.
For the next few days Maya stayed within the compound wall. Then once she noticed Amrita standing on her toes and looking over the wall. She went quietly behind her and looked out at the sea of sunflowers in the adjoining field. Amrita was clearly amazed at the sight of so many flowers. Maya looked around. She couldn't see her mother anywhere.
"I don't care even if you see us," she muttered under her breath.
She caught her sister's hand in a firm grip and led her out through the rickety gate. A ditch and wire fencing separated their compound from the neighbouring ashram ground. As a child Maya used to sail paper boats in this ditch, sometimes with an ant for a frantic passenger. Those days she used to think of it as a river but now she saw it for what it was – a narrow ditch that she could cross easily, but which made her sister hesitate. She had to jump across a few times to encourage her and finally Amrita followed, almost slipping at the edge but Maya pulled her to safety and they went on to their next hurdle: the barbed wire fence. They walked a little way beside the fence. The wire sagged like a slack mouth at various places where people crossed and re-crossed frequently. Maya stooped and went to the other side. She then held the wire up for her sister to pass.
They were trespassing like many others, for whom this was a short cut to avoid the main road. A line of mango trees stood within the fence. At that time of the year the trees were full of dusty leaves. The only visitors were a few birds that came to rest among the thick foliage. With the onset of spring, the trees would be covered with clusters of greenish yellow flowers that would bear fruit and attract both bird and child.
The two sisters stood at the edge of the sunflower field, the huge flowers towering over them.
"These are sooraj mukhi," Maya said. "They are called that because they always face the sun. So, in English they are called Sunflower. Aren't they pretty? We get oil from the seeds. We won't spend too much time here. Just look around a little and then we'll return. I don't want amma to know that we have come here."
Amrita was clearly awed by the profusion of flowers. She was used only to those that they had planted and now she looked excitedly at the big leaves, the showy yellow petals and large core of dark seeds.
Despite the bravado with which she had decided to defy her father's order, Maya worried about getting caught and chastised once again. She hustled her sister and took her back the way they came. It was as if they were taking a tentative step to test the depth of the water before plunging in.
***
18
aya stretched her hand to push open the gate when it suddenly swung inwards. Her heart did a little somersault. She hadn't expected her mother to come looking for them and now she could neither say a word in explanation nor pretend to be nonchalant. She instinctively tightened her grip on Amrita but she wasn't going to be the first one to break up the tableau. Finally, Kamala stood to a side and Maya walked in with her sister. She geared herself to face Raghu's anger that evening.
It'll be worse than last time because he had forbidden me specifically. But that poor girl was looking so yearningly at the plants. She wasn't asking for the moon or the stars, only to see the flowers. What's wrong in taking her? Oh, I can only argue with myself. When I'm in his presence my lips will be sealed and my mind will become completely blank. Let's face it, I lack courage.
That's him. . .Amma is opening the gate. . . he's coming in. . . he has parked the car. . . he's washing his feet. . . the swing is creaking. . . he's having his coffee. . . she'll tell him now. . . .
Maya, this is it. Be ready. He'll call now. Any time now.
She waited. And waited. Her anxiety increased with every passing minute but, as the minutes lengthened to hours, she began to breathe, although uneasily.
She didn't tell him? He's not likely to keep quiet if she had. Why this concern for me?
She went downstairs, unable to bear the suspense any longer. Kamala ignored her while Raghu looked up casually and went back to his newspaper. For the last few hours tension had coiled around her in a pythonic embrace. Now, with every step Maya took towards her sister, it loosened its hold, leaving her so drained and exhausted that she couldn't even wonder at her mother's discretion.
She began to take Amrita more often to the ashram ground. They walked between banana suckers or cut across the fields chasing lapwings and babblers. The girls watched water pumped into canals slither down furrows and finally seep into the soil, out of sight. They rushed past rows of strong smelling tobacco, flicked tufts of wheat and maize at each other and admired the soft whiteness of cotton bursting from its bolls. Amrita's nose twitched like a rabbit at the medicinal smell of the eucalyptus leaves that Maya crushed for her. She felt the smoothness of the trunk after peeling off the loosened strips of dry bark. They watched the tractor groove the ground and the long legged heron and egret forage for worms in the newly turned over soil. The girls stood at the edge of the field while the sadhu-cum-farmers sowed seeds, irrigated, harvested and stocked the yield. Sometimes Maya felt bored but she didn't want to deny her sister her only happiness. One day when they heard the long drawn hoot of a train she decided to show it to Amrita. They crossed more fields, crunched neem fruit under their feet, made their way between prickly bushes and came to the railway track. Maya led Amrita up the little slope of gravel to where the metal gleamed in the sun.
"This is the line on which the train runs. Oh, it's blazing. Look further down . . . see that tree? Come, let's go there. Quick."
They ran on the wooden sleepers till they came to a gul mohar tree. Maya's mouth was dry and Amrita was puffing with the exertion. As far as they could see there was no other human around, only a few goats grazing at a distance.
"You know, Ammu, I used to come here as a child. Stupid really, what's there to see? The fields are still there, the neem trees are as tall as I remember. . . what else? Nothing, only you, Ammu, you're the addition," she laughed.
"Look at these two thick metal lines. The train runs on big wheels on them. Don't touch it. It'll be hot," she warned, holding back her sister who had bent down. "You can see how smooth it is. It has to be like this or else the train will jump off the rails and people will get hurt. They could die. When a train moves on the tracks you can feel the movement way down the line. It has so much power, such great strength. People travel in boxes called compartments. You know Ammu, people sleep, eat, use the toilet – everything in the compartment. Paati took me by train. It was fun."
Amrita nodded as if she understood everything.
"Any questions?" asked Maya. "You never have any. I wonder how much you understood. Come, let's go back to the shade of the gul mohar. Just before summer, the tree is almost bare except for long black pods. Let's see if we can get any. . ." Maya looked around and found one, dry and hard.
"Here. Shake it near your ear. Do you hear the rattling? Those are seeds inside the pods."
She then picked up a flower from the ground and held it out to Amrita.
"See how beautiful the flower is. How many petals does it have? Count. One . . . two . . . go on, say it . . . three . . . four and five. Bad girl, Ammu, you didn't count with me. Okay, leave it, at least look at the flower. It has four petals of the same colour, a bright reddish-orange. The fifth is bigger. It's also lighter, see? Almost white with tiny flecks. Take it. There are so many everywhere, it looks like a carpet but look at the tree. It's still covered with flowers. That's the beauty of it. How would you like to be a bird and see it from the top? I wouldn't mind. I would fly round and round over the tree. If I were a crow I would caw loudly and call all other crows to come and see it. Like this. . ." Maya ran around her sister, cawing hoarsely.
"Ammu, come, join me. You be a cuckoo. Go on, say 'coo'," she called.
Both girls were soon running in circles, one behind the other. Her arms stretched to the fullest and hands flapping, Maya circled the gul mohar, ran across the railway line and did figures of eight with Amrita imitating her. A sudden crack of laughter stopped her abruptly, making her sister bump into her back.
"I thought we were the only ones here!" Maya looked around. At first she didn't see anyone, only the expanse of shrubs and trees, not even birds or insects. Even the goats that had been grazing seemed to be hiding from the heat.
"Nothing. No one. Did I imagine it?" she muttered and looked around once more. A bush, not far from where they stood was shaking suspiciously.
"Hey, you. Come out," she called.
No one responded.
"Shall I come there and catch you by your ear?" she called again.
Two little boys came out looking at each other and sniggering.
"So . . . what are you two doing here?" Maya asked sternly.
They nudged each other to reply and both kept quiet, staring at their bare feet with a sudden fascination.
"Well?" insisted Maya.
"Nothing. . ." said the taller boy at last.
"Nothing?"
"Well, our goats. . ."
"Where are your goats? I don't see any."
Both boys turned around together and gestured somewhere at the back. Maya did not bother to follow their direction.
"If you have come here with your goats, then you'd better be with them. Don't hang around watching us, understand? We have not come here to entertain you. We have some work. . . ," she said in her fiercest voice.
Without waiting for her to say anything more, the boys took off like rabbits, stopping only when they came to a tree far away. They turned around to see if the girls were watching them. From the safety of distance they flapped their hands and ran around, their laughter floating towards the girls. Maya turned to her sister. At the sight of the boys Amrita had hidden behind her and was biting her fingernails.
"Ofo, Ammu! I told you not to be afraid. Forget those urchins. They're just having a little fun. It's getting late. Let's go. We'll come another day to see the train." She held out her hand to her sister and they walked back home.
After more such trips, Amrita grew brave enough to wave when the train rushed by even if it was only carrying goods. In fact, her enthusiasm was so high on some days that Maya had to physically hold her back from the railway track. Their outings did not make them neglect the garden. By now, it was well laid and they only had to maintain it with weeding and watering. Amrita would have done both if Maya had let her.
"Don't be silly," she said. "We'll divide the work equally. You can decide which one you want."
Amrita immediately fixed the hose to the tap
and turned it on.
"All right, then," said Maya. "I shall pull out the weeds. I'll finish it quicker than you. There's hardly any weed."
Since they were working in the kitchen garden they did not see Raghu come home with a young man. It was only a good while later, when the girls entered the house that they heard the sound of voices. Maya sent her sister upstairs while she went quietly to the drawing room and peeped inside. Raghu was talking to someone sitting beside him on the swing, but from where she stood she could see only their backs, not their faces. The stranger laughed at something her father said. The richness of his voice made Maya want to see his face. She looked at her hands and feet soiled and streaked, quickly went to their room, freshened up and came down again. There was no one in the drawing room. The swing was coming to a gradual stop. Slowly she straightened herself and looked up right into the face of a tall young man who stood not two steps from her. He looked back at her from head to toe, the smile never leaving his lips. He then raised his eyebrows and broke the spell.
She turned on her heels and ran back the way she came. Behind her she heard her father call, "Sundar. . ."
Raghu accommodated his guest in the spare room upstairs.
Maya kept within whenever Sundar was around and that was most of the time. He seemed to have plenty to talk about – with Raghu when he was home, with Kamala when Raghu had left for work. She wanted to find out who he was and why he was there but the embarrassment of their first meeting was still too fresh in her mind and made her curb her curiosity. However, it did not stop her heart from beating faster when his footsteps approached their door and sink when they went past without a pause. It irritated her no end that he used his room only to sleep at night.
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