"What kind of a man is he, so indifferent about others? This is our house, not a lodge that he can walk in and walk out whenever he wants," she complained to Amrita. "It's not as if we are invisible or so ugly that he can't even greet us. Perhaps he thinks I don't deserve a second look. . ."
She peered critically into the little rectangular piece of mirror on the wall.
"Too bad I can see my face only in parts but it'll have to do. Let's see. Face. . . all right. . . I think. My best features are probably my eyes and that's not saying much. They look sad! Am I so melancholic? I hope not. If only I could talk to someone interesting occasionally I'd be much happier."
Amrita stood behind and watched her intently. Then she turned to the wall and began to imitate her sister, patting her hair, opening her eyes wide and inspecting the sides of her nose.
"You. . . .! I'll show you!" Maya chased Amrita and they flopped on the bed, laughing.
"So. . . you're in high spirits, are you? I'll make you work it off. Come, let's go to the garden," said Maya. "It's been a long time since we looked at our plants."
"Hmm. . . lots of weeds," she said, looking around. "Tell you what. . . you start from one end and I'll start from the other. We'll meet in the middle."
Soon they were sitting on their haunches and pulling out the weeds. Fortunately, Maya's preoccupation over the past few days had not affected their garden too much since they were in the middle of monsoon and the plants had sufficient water.
"Preparing for winter, are we?"
Maya looked up and slowly, like a zombie, she stood up. Her face felt hot and she wiped it, not realising that her hands were covered with bits of grass and mud.
"How come I've never met you all these days? Are you two some kind of moles?" Sundar asked, smiling at them.
Maya continued to stare at him. She did not notice her sister hiding behind her. She was only aware of the fact that here was a handsome young man talking to her and her tongue had changed to lead.
"So, Mayamrita, you won't talk to me? That's too bad. Do I look like a villain or something? Please say 'no'!"
Maya smiled at that. "Well. . ."
"That's better. Now I know you can speak. Let me finish your sentence. . . 'Well, we are busy. Don't disturb.' Isn't that what you're going to say? You don't have to. I've no intention of keeping you from your work." He walked away.
Amrita recovered first and resumed her work. Automatically, Maya followed suit but kept looking in the direction that Sundar had gone.
***
"Gauri, after those few years with my paati and Amrita, it's now that I've found happiness, with my husband," Maya said. "But there have been times when I felt so burdened by the past that I wanted to wrench it out of my mind as if it were a diseased growth. That's what I'm doing by confiding in you, relieving myself of all the heartache. However close you are to your husband there are still many things you don't want to tell him. You clam them within yourself till they threaten to burst out or seep through your body like a slow-acting poison."
I nursed the teacup in both hands and looked into the dregs, though I knew Maya's eyes were on me. Amma cleared her conscience by telling me about Raghu. Not knowing what I was letting myself into, I invited Kamala auntie to confide in me. And now Maya wanted to do the same. Why did they want to make an Atlas of me? If Maya saw the query in my eyes, she ignored it and went on.
"You are someone who strayed into our lives. It's not likely that we'll meet again. My secrets will be safe with you. Even if you were to tell somebody . . . well, I've suffered enough within myself. It will not affect me any more."
She stared into my eyes and I looked back with all the calmness I could muster but did not feel. What was she going to divulge about my brother?
"Sundar is the nightmare that I must get rid of first. I know he's your brother but I'm not going to hide anything from you."
Words surged to my lips. Words of consolation, explanation for my brother's wrongdoings whatever they were Noncommittal sounds that she could take in any sense she wanted. I didn't have to say anything.
"Your brother was the first man I met, other than appa of course," she continued. "And he behaved as if I didn't exist. It hurt. I didn't know why. I wanted to make him conscious of me, as a person, as a woman. I found myself wearing my best clothes even though I had nowhere to go. I looked often into the mirror. If only I had taken after my father, I thought. If only I were taller, not so dark. I no longer wanted to go to the garden and get tanned. I didn't want soil under my nails. I wanted to talk and laugh loudly whenever he was around but I only had Amrita to talk to. Poor Amrita, who did not want to reply in words even when I asked her a direct question."
"She was puzzled by my behaviour. I did not know that I had changed. I shouted at her if she stood around looking blankly at me, awaiting my instruction. I didn't care when she doodled lazily in her notebook instead of writing her letters or numbers. For the first time I deliberately kept her indoors, not taking her anywhere. She got bored and restless but I didn't feel like entertaining her any longer. All I wanted to do was to go downstairs and eavesdrop on Sundar's conversations. He had lots to tell my parents and they talked to him with an affection that I didn't know they had in them. Even that didn't hurt me as much as Sundar's continued indifference to me and my sister."
"Then one day I went for a walk alone to our usual place, next door. I wanted to get rid of my perplexing madness and the best way to do it was to tire myself physically, I decided. I must have walked several kilometres. I was sweating when I returned, sweating and breathless. Breathless because I ran most of the way back. It was the first time I was leaving Ammu alone for so long. I was terribly worried about how she must have reacted to my absence. The door of our room was ajar. I scolded myself for being careless and pushed it fully open. There was Sundar, sitting in my chair and rifling though Amrita's books while she stood near the window as if she was ready to jump out of it."
"'At last! I was about to leave,' he said. 'I thought you only knew the way from here to your garden and back. Looks like I was wrong.'"
"He was the last person I'd expected to meet and that too, when I had finally resolved that I was being foolish to hanker for attention from someone who was not bothered about me."
"'My name is Sundar,' he said. 'I suppose you know that at least. I didn't want to impose myself on you all these days but I thought it was time I met both of you. She's a very sweet girl. For the last half an hour she has been looking at me as if I'd eat her up. Look at her now! She is your shadow, isn't she?'"
"Well. . . ." I dragged, wishing that Amrita would not hide behind me.
"'Take your time. I'm not going to speak for you like I did before. You must have thought that I was such a brute. I'm sorry. I'm not used to people avoiding me.'"
"We weren't avoiding you," I replied hastily. "It's just that my sister is very shy so. . ."
"'So you keep her hidden from the outside world. For how long will you do this?'"
I had never thought about it.
"'There's no virtue in hiding behind your parents or isolating yourself. You have to face the world and so will your sister.'"
"I was stung by his accusation. What did he know about all that I'd done for her? What did he know of my reasons for keeping her with me? What did he know about my parents from his interactions with them?"
"Sundar began to drop in often. The way he spoke that day, I thought he was a very serious person but I found that he was just the opposite. He cracked jokes, teased me. . . oh, when I think of all that he said . . . I could kick myself for laughing at his cracks, for enjoying his company. My only excuse is that I was naive. I was meeting someone like him for the first time. When Ganesh pulls my leg, my mind immediately goes to something Sundar had said. I feel terrible, to think of another man even though I hate him now. Mind you, it wasn't as if I was in love with your brother or anything like that. Not at all. It was just a fascination for someone so unlike my parents.
At most I would have accepted him as an elder brother. Yes, I would have accepted him as wholeheartedly as my parents did. He had been staying with us for nearly two months and fitted in as neatly as if he were a part of our family. "
"Sundar appreciated my concern in my sister's welfare. A rare gesture,' he called it. I felt nice about it though I was only discharging my duty towards my less privileged sibling. Do parents feel virtuous or noble in bringing up their children? I wasn't doing anything different except that she was my sister, not my child. My attempt all along had been to make her independent but, in Sundar's presence, she behaved like a child, a very cranky child. She wanted my exclusive attention when he was around. She didn't want me to talk to him. She would try to cover my mouth with her hand. If I told her to sit quietly, she would sit behind me and push me with her knees or hug me from the back like a baby monkey. It was so embarrassing and so frustrating! I used to yell at her the moment he left and immediately feel sorry since she would be her normal self again. It wasn't as if she hated him. She had her dislikes but I don't think she really hated anything in her life. Even your brother, if she didn't like him at first, she learned to tolerate his presence."
"One day, she was at her worst, turning my face to her when I was trying to listen to what he was telling me. I pushed her hand away but she nuzzled against me and held me so tightly that I couldn't even breathe. I started coughing and struggled to loosen her grip. Finally he had to pull her away. Oh God, the scene she created! Crying, throwing everything down from the table, from the bed, the pillows, the sheets. He walked out of the room quickly saying that it was probably his presence that was irritating her. I knew better. She didn't want to share me with anyone."
"A few days later he peeped in. I sensed Amrita bridling and hugged her before she could throw her hands around me. It probably reassured her for I could feel her relaxing. He had brought chocolates for her. I had to take it from him and pop it in her mouth since she wouldn't stretch her hand to his. She loved sweets and let us talk for as long as the chocolates lasted."
"Naturally, our topic that day was Amrita's dependence on me. Sundar suggested that the best way to teach her was to leave her alone, for me to deliberately stay away from her."
"'Remember the first time I came to meet you and you had gone on a walk?' he asked. 'She was all right that day. That's what you should be doing, leave her alone for increasingly longer periods so that she gets used to being on her own."
"I suppose you're right but what if she gets upset? It's very difficult to bring her out of her tantrum. . ."
"'She's just a kid, a petulant child. Even kids cannot be permitted to have their way all the time. They must be taught some discipline. You've indulged her so much that she's taking advantage of your goodness. Teach her to be independent. It isn't as if you're going to be with her all your life.'"
"I will. I will not go anywhere without my sister," I said firmly.
"'This is what I like about you,' he said. 'That you're prepared to sacrifice your life for your sister. But shouldn't you have a life of your own? You'll be able to take care of your sister only if you are in good physical and mental health. That's what I'm asking you to ensure. Tell me, you have never felt claustrophobic? Never felt the urge to go somewhere? Talk to someone? Go on . . . tell me.'"
"I couldn't reply. I couldn't tell him of the times when I have envied the supreme confidence of the eagle as it draws large circles in the sky, frightening smaller birds out of its path. My favourite dream of running barefoot down a grassy slope fast, alone, with the air in my hair. My yearning to look up into the rain and feel the drops knock on my eyelids. My biggest wish to be a girl just like others, happy, unconcerned about anyone or anything."
"Sundar was right. I had to teach my sister to stay on her own. I began to leave her behind and walked among the eucalyptus trees and fields on my own. Only he knew what I was doing since I took care not to let my mother see me leave. It wasn't because I was scared that she would try to stop me or report to appa. I no longer cared about what they thought. My only concern was how my sister would react to my long absences."
"'Don't worry about her. I'll take care of her,' he said."
"I believed him."
"It was good to be by myself at last. I used that time to think about a lot of things, like what caused a communal flare-up? Why were we building temples when there were already so many? How can anyone hope for salvation with such hatred for their neighbours in their hearts? I know it sounds foolish Gauri, but those were the debates I had in my mind because I was scared to think of my future. I didn't want to think about what would happen to my sister and me when appa retired. When he died? Wouldn't I have to take care of my mother as well? How could I when I had no way of supporting myself? I tried not to think on those lines but it wasn't easy. The moment it overwhelmed me, I returned to the present, to my sister waiting for me impatiently in our room upstairs. Sometimes Sundar would be with her, trying to teach her from where I had left off. More often he would be telling her stories from movies that he had seen."
"One day I left as usual, promising him that I would make definite plans for my future. It was hopeless. I had no clue about what I was going to do with myself. I decided it might be more sensible to discuss it with him instead of grappling with it alone. I turned back and hurried home."
"He was with my sister. He was not telling her stories, not trying to teach her the alphabet. He was doing more. He was lying on her, on the bed, kissing her, running his hands over her body. . ."
"I stood petrified. Amrita's face was turned towards the door. She didn't know what was happening. Whatever it was, she didn't like it. She was squirming and making little noises that didn't stop him at all. But that first plaintive sound was enough to bring me back to life. I rushed into the room and pounded his back with my fists. He sat up laughing, caught my hands and pulled me close to his face."
"I wanted to shout. I wanted to scream. Till amma came up to help me."
"'This is the power of a man. . . that he can do what he will. You can't stop me,' he said softly."
"'Amrita, get up. Go!' I shouted."
"'Shh. . . we don't want your mother to come here and see what her daughters are doing, do we?'"
"Amrita. . ."
"'Relax. I just wanted to introduce some variety to her lessons and you had to come and spoil everything,' he complained."
"Let me go or I'll scream. . . even if amma thinks the worst. . ."
"'You're one hell of a girl. If you create a scene and bring her here, I'll be thrown out of the house but what about you? They're not going to keep quiet about this,' he said, releasing my hands."
"I felt like hurling everything in the room at him. He was right though. I couldn't afford to act in haste. And then, I reasoned, he did say that nothing untoward had happened to her, yet."
"My walks ended that day," said Maya. "I wanted to get out of the house, more desperately than before but I wasn't going to leave my sister behind."
***
19
ittu died and Sundar returned home.
"Appa was concerned," Maya said. "About how your mother would manage without her son so he told him to go back to her. In any case, Sundar had just resigned from his job and wasn't doing anything. Other than smiling at me, of course, when he was sure that my parents weren't watching."
I forced myself to speak.
"You should have told them about him," I said.
"How could I, Gauri, with his threat looming over my head? When I know how fond they were of him and how indifferent they were to my sister and me? I did the only thing I could do – keep our door firmly locked from within and not permit Amrita to move an inch from my sight. Fortunately for us, he had to leave almost immediately. Your father could not have died at a more opportune time!"
"My sister was happy to have me to herself again. At first I worried whether she'd suffer from the trauma of what she had gone through. I took her all the time to the ash
ram ground so that she could forget that day but she hadn't changed in any way. She was just the same as before. Perhaps she didn't know what had happened between them. But it certainly affected me. I realised for the first time how vulnerable she was, what a responsibility lay on my shoulders. Till then I'd been vague about our future. I'd only been sure that I wanted to be with her all my life. I was 23 years old and dependent on my parents. Even if I wanted to take up a job I'd have to leave her behind. I didn't want to do that. Who'd employ me anyway, when I had no skill? I felt trapped. I wanted to escape but how? Where? Whenever appa raised the topic of marriage, and he had been doing it for at least four years, I had always refused. Going by amma's experience, it meant escaping from our room upstairs and entering the kitchen in another house. Now I began to think even this was preferable if I could take my sister along."
"Without waiting for my consent appa had been tapping even the most distant contact to find a suitable boy. Suitable as in one whose family did not object to their son marrying a girl with a sister like Amrita. There were few takers. The exceptions were those who thought a bigger dowry would be reasonable compensation for my sister's condition. Thank God, appa did not give in to their greed and discrimination. Ganesh was the only one who was not bothered about Ammu, our wealth or anything material. I remember that day so vividly when appa received the letter from Ganesh's father," Maya smiled to herself. She seemed to have forgotten my presence completely.
"Maya. . . Kamala. . .come here, both ofyou," Raghu shouted.
Kamala came rushing from the kitchen but Maya had to run down eighteen steps. By the time she reached her father she was breathless. Raghu waved a letter triumphantly at them.
"At last, we have received a positive reply from a boy's parents," he said, beaming. "Their only concern is getting the right girl for their son, Ganesh. Everything else is secondary, writes Mr. Seetharam, the boy's father. They would like to meet Maya and want to know when it will be convenient for us."
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