A Charm of Finches

by Suanne Laqueur

  The date drew the glass of soda closer, his other hand still in his pocket.

  Can we go? Carlito, come on, let’s go.

  Go.

  The guy’s hand came out of his pocket and hovered quickly over the glass, fingers moving like a magician’s diversionary tactic.

  “What’s happening?” Geno said, realizing something was in the soda, but now the walls were giggling. Fox’s ear was inside-out and weird and Geno shouldn’t laugh at it but he couldn’t help it.

  “You should lie down.”

  Go.

  We need to go.

  This is against the law.

  Geno’s eyes flicked up. Another pair of eyes met his gaze. From her stool at the bar, the lone Asian girl looked at him, her eyes wide and hard against Geno’s. They stared in a silent commune.

  Did he just…?

  Did you see…?

  Go, Mos yelled and the stars echoed him in a battle cry of rage. Go go go go go go…

  A shattering of glass as Geno’s beer dropped to the floor.

  “Mo, what the fuck?” Jason called as Geno strode down the bar, his back undefended and his hands on the offense. He seized two fists of the date’s jacket and hauled him back off the stool.

  “The hell did you do,” he yelled, his voice slicing through the high-pitched cries of girls and the lower shouts of boys. The bar split apart with a crackling energy. Both bartenders whipped around fast as the date’s arms windmilled, his feet sliding for purchase on the wet floor.

  “What did you put in there?” Geno said, fists tightening as the crowd pulled back from him.

  “Crazy son of a bitch” the date yelled. “Get the fuck off me.”

  “Hey,” one of the bartenders shouted.

  “He put something in her drink,” Geno shouted back.

  “I saw it,” the Asian girl said. She’d made her way down the bar and slammed her palm on top of the glass of Coke. “I saw him do it. We both saw.”

  “The fuck is wrong with you?” Geno cried. The date was trying to slide his arms from the jacket and get away. Geno quickly got one arm, then the other hooked through the guy’s elbows, pinning his arms behind, his whole back against Geno’s chest.

  “What were you going to do,” he said through the wall of his teeth. “Fuck her unconscious? Was that the plan? How about I fuck you, huh? How about I knock you out and get a few buddies to rape your ass into shreds? See how you like it?”

  The music stopped and the lights came on. The crowd cringed like vampires at dawn. Two bouncers had shouldered their way into the fray. A short shouting match between the date proclaiming his innocence, and Geno and the Asian girl insisting on what they’d seen. One of the bouncers thrust his hand into the date’s jacket pocket and came out with a pair of tiny plastic bags. One crumpled, the other filled with a white powder.

  It got surreal after that. The date was pried out of Geno’s grip and taken…somewhere. Once he was gone, Geno’s tunnel focus turned on the girl returning from the ladies’ room, looking bewildered. Geno seized her shoulders. Harder than he should have but he was pissed.

  “Your date tried to drug you,” he said.

  She twisted in his hands, eyes wild. “What?”

  “He put something in your soda.”

  “He…what?”

  “How long have you known him?”

  Tears sprang to her eyes. She was so lovely. Like a bar of Ivory soap, so pretty and clean and unaware of how close the fox was to her henhouse.

  “We just met tonight,” she said.

  “Oh my God,” Geno said, voice tight in his throat. “You can’t. You can’t do that. You can’t ever leave your drink with a guy you don’t know. You can’t.” He was shaking her a little. Just a little and he didn’t mean to but he was so angry.

  “Mo, take it easy.” Ben was beside him. Ben, who made Geno tell jokes tonight while a predator was out looking for innocent chicks.

  “You have to be careful,” Geno cried, getting in the girl’s face. “Don’t ever leave your drink behind with a guy. I don’t care who he is, first date or seventh date, don’t ever leave your drink alone with him.”

  “It’s all right,” Ben said.

  “It’s not all right,” Geno said.

  “Dude, it’s okay. You stopped it.”

  Jason came to Geno’s other side. He slid a protective arm around the girl and put his palm on Geno’s arm. “It’s okay,” he said. “Don’t scare her more. Everyone’s upset and shook up. Come on, man, it’s all right. You did good.”

  Geno’s focus widened and he realized how hard his fingers were clamped in the girl’s flesh. He let go, horrified. He’d broken the rules. “I’m sorry. I…”

  “Thank you,” she said, tears dripping from her eyes. “You saved my life.”

  Your daddy isn’t coming to save you. Your brother waited until Daddy was across the ocean. He brought you to me.

  All because Geno hadn’t been situationally aware. He drank from an unattended glass.

  I think I should take over, Mos said.

  You should, Geno thought.

  This is all happening to someone else.

  Thank you.

  “Thank you,” the girl said. “I can’t thank you enough.”

  You can go now, Mos said. I got this.

  The police shook Geno’s hand and said the world needed more guys like him.

  Next thing he knew, Geno was throwing up in the alley behind the bar. Like he did when the police rescued him. Because guys like that were in the world.

  Ben held Geno’s jacket. Natasha offered a stick of gum when the heaving was over. Jason came back with a bottle of water and some napkins, which he wet down and handed to Geno. Hunkered down, a hand braced on the brick wall, Geno wiped his face, breathing hard. “Thanks.”

  “Damn, man, you brought up food you haven’t even eaten yet,” Jason said.

  Geno tried to smile but could only grimace. “Jesus,” he said through chattering teeth.

  “Just breathe,” Natasha said. “Shake it out.”

  Geno took a giant, shaking breath and wished he were dead.

  “You okay?” Ben asked.

  “Yeah.” Geno straightened his legs and the world spun. “Shit.”

  “Whoops, back you go,” Jason said. “Put a knee down. Breathe.”

  “It’s okay, Mo.”

  “Sorry,” Geno said to his kneecap.

  “Are you fucking kidding me?” Ben said. “That was amazing.”

  Natasha ran fingers along Geno’s short hair. “You’re a freaking hero.”

  “I got two sisters,” Seth said. “I worry about this shit all the time.”

  Then Ben crouched down, balanced on his toes. “Hey.”

  Geno drank from the water bottle, rinsed and spit. “What?”

  “Did it happen to a girl you know?”

  Geno looked up, screaming inside, Why a girl? Why do you assume a girl? Think it can’t happen to a guy? Think a guy can’t be drugged and raped? Any of you got brothers? Do you worry about them?

  Geno set his teeth and blinked hard and fast, but his eyes were overflowing now. He was about to tell Ben the truth. He was tired. Feeling he was one step closer to ending things for good. Maybe tonight. In which case, what was the fucking point lying anymore?

  He opened his mouth to tell them everything, but Mos got there first. “Yeah,” he said. “Someone I knew.”

  I used to know myself.

  Ben put a hand on Geno’s shoulder. It was a strong, kind brotherly hand and Geno hated how it made him flinch and recoil.

  “Let’s grab a cab,” Jason said. “We’ll go back to my place. You need to be somewhere safe where you can chill.”

  I want to go home, Geno thought.

  Back at the apartment, Jason mad
e omelets, rolling them onto warmed plates with a practiced roll of the wrist. Geno watched through a hazy, detached curtain. He’d slipped into the bathroom and taken one of his stashed Valium. Then, for good measure, he broke the second pill in half and bit off a quarter. He was floating now. The kitchen light bounced off metal surfaces and twinkled like stars.

  “Eggs are soul food,” Seth said, squeezing ketchup onto his plate. “I once dated a guy who didn’t like eggs. I had to break up with him on principle.”

  “My ex-girlfriend was allergic to them,” Natasha said.

  Ben stopped mid-chew. His eyes pressed Geno’s a split second. “Your ex-girlfriend?” he said.

  Natasha tucked a lock of pink hair behind her ear. “Mm-hm.”

  “You’re bi?”

  Natasha raised her pierced eyebrow. “Close your mouth, dear.”

  “This is how he finds out?” Jason said, laughing over the stove.

  “Jesus, I dated a girl,” Natasha said. “Big deal.”

  “What was that like?” Ben said.

  “What was it like? It was like dating a guy with no dick.”

  “And ironically, it ended over eggs,” Seth said.

  “Her eggs were so small,” Natasha said, laughing.

  “Well, at least you had an adventure,” Ben said.

  “What makes you think it was only an adventure?”

  Ben shrugged now.

  “You know,” Natasha said, “I am really becoming aware of shit like this.”

  “Shit like what?”

  “The rules and laws of sexual fluidity.”

  “Here we go,” Jason said, rolling another omelet out. He slid the plate in front of Natasha, then did a deft spin and produced two slices of toast for Geno.

  “Nibble on that before you try anything else,” he said. “You want ginger ale or something?”

  “No thanks.” Geno bit off a corner and chewed, counting to thirty.

  This is normal.

  “Case in point,” Natasha said around a mouthful of eggs. “A straight girl experiments with another girl, and society dismisses it as adventure. The assumption is she’ll come back home.” Fork tucked under her thumb, Natasha made air quotes around home, before finishing, “To being straight. Whereas a straight guy?” The fork pointed around the four males.

  “Hey, don’t include us in this thesis,” Jason said, slinging an arm around Seth’s shoulders. Seth tilted his chin up and they kissed.

  “Sorry.” Natasha’s fork flicked between Geno and Ben. “A straight guy experiments with another guy, and it’s not adventure. It’s the opposite of adventure. It’s immediately branded as his true nature, which he’s obviously been hiding. And everyone smugly sits back and waits for him to come out as gay.”

  A moment of reflective chewing around the kitchen island. “Some truth in that,” Ben said finally. “A lot of truth. Unfortunately, but yeah, that’s kind of how it is.”

  “Straight guys don’t experiment with other guys,” Geno said.

  Natasha’s eyes slid toward him with an aren’t-you-adorable expression. “You think?”

  “No straight guys I know.”

  “Jason, can I use your laptop?” Natasha said.

  “It’s on the bookshelf over there.”

  “I know hetero guys who mess around,” Seth said. “Buddy of mine said nothing beats a hand job from another guy, and he was straighter than Fifth Avenue.”

  Ben wiped ketchup from the corner of his mouth. “I guess if you’re born with a dick, you know what to do with one.”

  “If you’re letting guys jerk you off, you’re not straight,” Geno said, feeling ganged-up on.

  “It’s called hetero-flexible,” Jason said.

  Geno raised his eyebrows.

  “I’m straight, but shit happens,” Jason and Seth said in unison.

  “Or shit gets looked for,” Natasha said, returning to the island with her laptop. She had a browser window open to Craigslist and its Casual Encounters section. “Peruse that, boys…”

  Four male heads crowded around the screen.

  Str8 guy wants to try BJ tonight… Yo, I’m up late. I have a girlfriend but I’m home alone and watching porn. I like watching chicks give head and it’s making me think I want to try it too. I’m not attracted to guys. I don’t want to look at you or talk to you. Just suck your cock. And just for tonight. Caucasian only.

  “Jesus,” Ben said, laughing.

  “That can’t be real,” Geno said.

  But Natasha kept clicking and scrolling and finding more posts.

  Str8 guy looking for friendly sex.

  Average white dude looking for not-gay sex with other dude.

  Straight dude drunk and horny. Any straights want to rub one out with me?

  Seeking straight mates for circle-jerk. Why not?

  Str8 dude seeks same: looking to mess around.

  Looking to lay back, have some beers and watch some straight porn. Keep our hands to ourselves, just jack together like buds. It’s cool.

  Looking for Str8 buddy. Come over, watch porn, talk about pussy and stroke bone. No hassle, no feelings, no involvement.

  Straight guy wants to whack off with same (no sex, not negotiable)

  Str8 guy in a bad way. No girlfriend and dying to get off.

  The toast was soggy in Geno’s mouth. His legs were perked-up and thrumming. He was starting to vibrate.

  Look what we got here, Anthony whispered at his right ear. Someone’s enjoying this.

  “Mo, you okay?” Jason said. “You gonna puke again?”

  “I’m not,” Geno said.

  I’m not.

  He was getting hard.

  I’m not.

  You love it. You’re a whore just like your brother.

  “Tash, put that away,” Jason said. “It’s insensitive. Sorry, Mo. You’re already upset.”

  “I’m not,” Geno said.

  An awkward silence filled the kitchen. Beneath the counter, Geno’s knees knocked together.

  I just want to be a normal guy.

  Is this what normal guys do?

  Say it, you little bitch.

  You’ll say it. They all do for me.

  “Hey,” Ben said, putting a hand on Geno’s shoulder. “Come back to us.”

  I can’t. I can’t go back home to being straight.

  Ben’s fingers closed around a fold of Geno’s shirt and pulled a little. “Mo, come talk to me a sec.”

  Geno let himself be led into the living room. He stared at the tall bookshelf, looking for another story he could become.

  “Look,” Ben said. “I don’t want to be corny, but… I’m here for you, okay? It kills me you lost your whole family and you don’t have a parent or brother you could’ve called tonight.”

  “Yeah,” Geno said carefully, as if trying not to let the words touch his mouth. “It’s hard.”

  I want to go home.

  Was the girl from the bar home now?

  She might not have made it. She could’ve been in a strange apartment by now, limp and helpless under a man’s body, being told she loved it.

  I rescued her.

  I’m the only one around here…

  “Hey,” Ben said. He touched Geno’s forearm, sending off waves of thrumming goodness. “You can tell me.”

  “It’s hard.”

  And I was hard.

  “I know. I’m sorry it has to be like this, Mo. I wish I could do something.” His hand slid up Geno’s arm and across his shoulders. A heavy warm drape yet still Geno’s teeth chattered. Torn apart by longing and fear. Wanting to turn and burrow into this comforting touch. Wanting to turn and run like hell from it. It felt too good. It felt like something he was told he loved.

  Don’t you, baby boy?


  “It’s too hard,” Geno said. “I need some air.” He tugged out of Ben’s grasp and went out on the balcony.

  The cold air startled him into a gasp. He sucked in breath after breath, hands clenched on the railing. Seven stories below, traffic made diamond and ruby threads across Manhattan.

  I want to go home.

  Yeah, you do, baby boy. Your daddy’s not coming. He’s on the other side of the ocean.

  He crouched down, hands fisted around the iron bars of the railing, an animal in a cage.

  I’m all alone in here.

  He stood again, his view free of the bars but still feeling just as caged.

  I want to go home.

  I want all this to be happening to someone else. Why can’t this be someone else?

  Mos opened his eyes. I got this.

  Geno shifted his weight onto one foot. The other leg trembled, getting ready to swing over the railing. I want to go home, he thought. I’m coming back to Nos.

  Stop, Mos said, grabbing a handful of Geno’s shirt. This land isn’t safe anymore. The door to the henhouse was left open. Now the laws are broken and everything feels in Nos.

  “I can’t stay here,” Geno whispered. “I can’t.”

  For the first time, Mos spoke to him in a voice filled with soothing kindness. I know. It’s all right. You rest now. Let me take care of it. I got this.

  Geno’s mind pulled apart. Neat and precise as a perforated piece of paper.

  It’s not safe to be you anymore, Mos insisted. Let me do the talking, baby boy.

  “Mo,” Jason said. “I want you to come inside now. Okay?”

  Mos looked over his shoulder. His eyes slid from Jason’s blond hair, ruffling in the wind, down his tight, muscled body to the fashionable shoes. Then up again, taking in Jason’s crisp handsomeness and concerned expression.

  Is he a whore like me?

  “Can you come inside?” Jason said. His superstar smile wobbled. “You’re kind of making us nervous.”

  Ben came out. Tall and strong and authoritative. “Mo, come back now.”

  You’ll say it, then you’ll do it.

  All my boys are loyal to me.

  Mos’s fingers slowly loosened on the railing but he didn’t let go.