Naked Hustle

by Trey Parker

  “Ummm. What’s amusing about what I just said?” Latoya was baffled.

  “So, you’re Latoya?” April asked.

  “Yep. So, he told you about me?”

  “Yes. He actually did. He told me all about you as well,” she said folding her arms and leaning against the door entrance.

  Latoya was more perplexed. “What did he tell you? Did he tell you that he comes over late at night? Did he tell you that we have dinner dates quite often? Did he tell you that he met my grandma?”

  “Listen, Latoya. See, if you had any type of sense you would be able to see who’s really getting played here. Dexter and I have a unique relationship. I know all about you. I know that you’re fucking him. I know that he tells you any and everything that you want to hear. He and I have an agreement that lets him do what he wants as long as he doesn’t lie to me. So, the fact, that you showed up here today just lets me know that you have gotten a little too bold. You are out of line, sweetie. You’re supposed to be on your back, and not on my doorstep.” April winked.

  No, this bitch didn’t. Latoya lost it. She saw red and she attacked. She pushed April through the doorway and onto the floor. She got two punches in before Dexter’s car pulled up behind them.

  “Stop it! Stop it!” said Dexter.

  She felt his big hands grab her shoulders and lift her off of April. He pulled Latoya away from the house.

  “I’m pressing charges! Dumb-ass bitch!” yelled April from the house.

  Dexter held Latoya back. “Go home Latoya. Please! Before I call the police!”

  “Are you serious, Dexter! Is it true that you’ve been lying to me! I thought I was going to be Mrs. Sabir! You promised that we would be together forever no matter what. You told me that you would leave that bitch!”

  “I lied Toya, ok. I did. It was a mistake. Our relationship is over. Go get your shit out of the second house. I will have the locks changed tomorrow. It’s over.” said Dexter.

  Latoya said nothing for a second, until she internalized what Dexter had said. Then she lost her cool and started swinging at him.

  “Liar! I hate you! You played me like a fiddle!” she said as she kept swinging for Dexter’s head until she heard police sirens. She then ran away from the property.

  Latoya was speed walking on the side of the road. Fist balled up. Looking over her shoulder for the police. Fuck Dexter. She needed to make Dexter jealous ASAP. She needed to get even. But now she was officially homeless. She didn’t have a penny to her name. She needed to bounce back quick. Her pride would not let her hit up Wanda or Tina for help. She didn’t want to hear them saying, “I told you so.” Not right now at least. She would probably fight them too, she was furious. She had a better idea. She was going to hit up one of her guy friends that would die to have her company. One that would do anything for her and won’t want anything in return. She needed a place to stay, and some money in her pocket so that she could get back on her feet. And she knew exactly which guy would be perfect.

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  NAKED HUSTLE

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  11. Salty Daddy

  The next day, Latoya had all of her stuff packed and she was ready to leave the condo behind for good. She had no choice because Dexter had the locks changed immediately upon her departure. Now, she just needed to implement her game plan. She made a call to an old friend.

  “Hey, Kwame!”

  “What’s up, shorty? What’s good with you?”

  “I’m good. What you doing right now?” asked Latoya.

  “Nothing important, now that I’m talking to you. I haven’t heard from you in a loooong time. I guess it takes 25 text messages to get you to respond to one, huh shorty?”

  “Kwame, you know I’m always busy. I’m sorry, I’ll do better. Let’s hang tonight if you got some free time.”

  “Let’s do it. You want to get dinner somewhere?!” asked Kwame.

  “Ummmmm. Why not. Where at?”

  “It’s going to be a surprise, just wear your finest shit.”

  “Oh no Kwame. I don’t have any dress up clothes right now. I’m in the process of moving so everything is packed up. Plus, I’m not home.”

  “Don’t worry. I got you! We’ll go shopping. We’ll find you something. Where are you right now?”

  “Kwame, you don’t have to do this…”

  “Baby girl it’s nothing. I’m coming to pick you up right now. Send me your location.”

  Fifteen minutes later, Kwame pulls up in his BMW with the top down. He gets out and opens the door for her.

  “Toya, good to see you baby girl. Looking good as always,” he says and hugs her.

  “Hey Kwame! Good to see you too!”

  “Go ahead and get in. Let me put these bags in the trunk for you,” said Kwame ready to assist.

  Kwame is Jamaican, originally from Queens, New York. He has a very strong New York accent. He would say, “Ma or Shorty” when referring to Latoya all the time. He’s about 38, has some money but really doesn’t know what to do with it. He’s a schemer. She met him at this day party awhile back when he and his buddy was popping mad bottles in their section. She was there drinking all of their liquor so she gave him her number just because she felt bad. He does credit card scams and identity fraud to get money. Hangs out with people younger than him. He was dark skinned with a large head, heavy acne, and a gap between his front two teeth. He’s super reliable and he has money.

  “You know how long I’ve been waiting to take you out! When did I get your number? A year ago, right? It’s been a year since I met you at that day party!”

  “Yea, I guess it was a year. I’ve just been so busy.”

  “Nah it’s cool, it’s cool, ma. That’s why we gone do this right. We going to the mall,” said Kwame.

  As soon as they stepped foot in the mall.

  “Go get you a nice dress for tonight.”

  “Ummm. Ok. You’re not going to give me a price range?”

  “Go get what you want, ma. I’m serious Toya. Get something that you like. I got you.”

  “Ok,” said Latoya right before she wandered off into the Gucci store.

  After thirty minutes, she found a nice dress that was on sell for $750. It was the best deal ever. It looked like it was worth at least $1500. She really didn’t feel bad because she knew he had the money. She tried it on and came out of the dressing room?

  “What do you think?!” she asked posing for him and looking in the mirror at the same time.

  “You look amazing! If you like it. It’s yours, ma.”

  “Thank you, Kwame!” She gave him a kiss on the cheek.

  Ruth’s Chris, 7:30 p.m., Buckhead, Atlanta

  “Damn! Kwame you are the best! This is so nice! The food here was amazing! You popping bottles of champagne. I’m really impressed right now, I’m not going to lie,” said Latoya sipping a glass of champagne.

  “See you could’ve been my shorty a long time ago if you just would’ve responded to my texts!”

  “You’re right! But I’m here now. Let’s not focus on the past. Let’s focus on the now.”

  “You’re right! And right now, I’m full and this champagne got me feeling right! You ready to take it in for tonight? We can go watch a movie at my crib. A little, Netflix and Chill?”

  “I’m ready when you are.”

  They got to his place. It was the ultimate bachelor’s pad. It was a sprawling loft space with big-screen TVs, imported handwoven rugs, and original artwork on the walls.

  “Nice place you got here. Did you decorate?”

  “Thank you. And yes, I decorated it myself.”

  “You have great taste.”

  “Well I chose you… so that should tell you something right there,” said Kwame.

  “I guess. Do you have a T-shirt and shorts that I can put on? I’m about to take a shower so that I can take this dress off.”

  “Yep,” he reached in a drawer.

  “Here you go.”
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  “Ok. I’ll be right back.”

  “I’ll be waiting,” he said smiling.

  After the shower, she laid in his bed and started watching Kevin Hart’s stand up on Netflix. An hour in she was very comfortable and just about to go to sleep. Until she felt his hands rubbing on her back.

  “You want a massage?” he whispered in her ear.

  “Ummmm. I’m good baby. Thank you though.”

  “Well I want one,” he whispered.

  “I’m tired. I had a long day. Maybe tomorrow.”

  “Ok. I respect that.”

  It was back to silence when she felt his hard rough hands rubbing around her inner thigh, getting close to her vagina. She moved his hand. He then leans and starts kissing on her neck. She could feel his coarse, acne and razor bumps scraping against her cheek. She slightly elbows him away.

  “No kissing, baby.”

  “Damn, like that?” Kwame says.

  He eases his way down to the foot of the bed and starts touching on her inner thighs again. This time, a little more aggressively. Then he starts kissing down there. She tried to ignore it until he tries to finger her with his dry index finger. She moves it and she pushes his head away.

  “No touching and feeling, baby. Let’s just go to sleep.”

  “Go to sleep?! No, ain’t no sleeping. I’m not going to sleep.”

  “Well we’re not having sex tonight, that’s for sure,” said Latoya firmly.

  “Oh really?! We’re not?! After all the shit that I bought you today? $750 Gucci dress? $250-dollar dinner at Ruth’s Chris?! And you won’t let me touch you, you got me fucked up, ma!”

  “I didn’t tell you to buy that Kwame! You bought all that on your own! You think I’m going to fuck you just because you bought me some shit?! I’m not that type of girl.”

  “Not that type of girl? You lying bitch! I know a couple of niggas in the city that you let hit with no strings attached. Don’t act brand new. You’ve been ignoring my text messages with the read receipt on ever since you gave me your number, and you think that you can just come up in here spend all my money, lay up in my bed and not fuck something, you got to be out of your goddamn mind. Get up and get out of my damn house!”

  “Are you serious right now?!”

  “Does it look like I’m playing? Get your broke, free-loading ass out of my house! And take off my T-shirt and shorts.” He got up and pointed at the door.

  Baffled. She took off his clothes. Kwame grabs her luggage and all her belongings and throws them outside his door.

  “You can change outside. And I’m keeping the dress,”

  “Go to hell,” she said.

  She got up and walked out the door. Bra and panties on. He slammed it behind her. She shivered as the wind chill hit her naked body. It was 2:30 a.m. She unzipped her bags to find clothes to fully dress herself.

  Before contacting Kwame, she was determined not to call her friends for help. She didn’t want to prove that they were right about Dexter all along. The only thing she wanted to prove was that she was independent and that she didn’t need them. But, at this point, she had no choice. She called Wanda five times, no answer. She called Tina five times, no answer. Wanda stays 45 minutes away in Fairburn and Latoya has no idea where Tina stays because she just moved in with her new boyfriend. She tried to use Uber but apparently Dexter had disconnected his card from her Uber account.

  Luckily, she had a free Lyft coupon that she had never used before. That was God looking out for her. She caught a Lyft to the nearest 24-hour gym. There was an attendant at the gym. She knocked on the door. He opened it.

  “Yes, can I help you?”

  “Ummm. I need a favor.”

  “What’s that?”

  “I’m kind of stranded right now. I am in a very sticky situation and I just need a place to lay my head at for a couple of hours until the sun comes up and until my friends answer their phone.”

  “Absolutely not. Bums come here all the time looking for a place to sleep. If you don’t have a membership, you cannot come in, especially to sleep!”

  “Listen, I’m not a bum! Do I look like a bum? Do you know who Dexter Sabir is? That’s my ex. I just moved out of a condo suite downtown. And, I understand your policy, but I’m begging you. Please, just give me a couple of hours to rest. I’ll be out of here before you know it.”

  “Lady. I’m not trying to lose my job over this.”

  “I promise you won’t lose your job! If you lose your job, I promise you that I’m going to be so rich one day that I’ll buy you your own Anytime Fitness. Please! Just make something up and say that I’m a member that got so tired that I fell asleep!”

  “Ok. You have until 5:45 a.m. when my shift ends.”

  “Thank you so much!!! You’re the best person in the whole wide world!”

  She laid down on the matted floors. She could feel the dirt on it. There was a small roach, laying on his back, still kicking his feet as if he was still alive two feet away from her. It was at that moment when she told herself that she would never be homeless again. Never. And she would do whatever it took to never feel as low as she did at this very moment.

  Latoya opened her eyes when she felt someone tap her on the shoulder. She looked up and saw the gym worker, Tina, and Wanda.

  “How did y’all find me?”

  “We called your phone and the gym worker answered it since you were crashed out and told me you were here. What the hell is going on?! You had us worried sick!” said Tina.

  “You don’t even know the half,” said Latoya embarrassed.

  “You have a lot of explaining to do. Right after we stop by Waffle House because I’m hungry!” said Wanda.

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  NAKED HUSTLE

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  12. Room Mates

  The three friends sat at the Waffle House. Latoya was cold, so Tina gave her a blanket from her car to wrap around her.

  “Sooooo. Now that I have my breakfast. What the fuck is going on with you Latoya?” says Wanda while she stuffed scrambled eggs in her mouth.

  “There’s so much to say right now. I don’t even know where to start. Just know that I’ve been going through a lot lately. I’ve been really depressed. And I apologize for the way that I walked out on y’all the other day. I appreciate you all being honest with me. I know y’all just want the best for me.”

  “That’s what we’re here for. You just can’t keep omitting the truth from us. We’re your friends,” said Tina.

  “I know. Just seeing you all graduate and have successful careers while I’m sitting here still trying to figure my life out is nerve racking. Imagine being surpassed by your friends in all aspects of life. I just see myself as a failure right now. I can’t do shit right.”

  “Girl, that’s not true! Comparison is the thief of joy, don’t compare yourself to us. Everything is going to be ok,” said Tina.

  “Plus, Dexter kicked me out last night. So, technically, I’m homeless right now. I tried not to tell you all because I was so embarrassed. My pride wouldn’t let me. I’m so broke right now, I didn’t even have enough money to pay for a hotel. I’m broke. I have a criminal record that dates back to when I was 14. I couldn’t finish college. Everything has been shitty. And I don’t know what to do with my life right now. I can’t believe that I let my life get so off track like this,”

  “Latoya, don’t ever feel like you can’t be honest with us. We’re your girls, you know we got your back,” says Wanda.

  "And girl, you can stay with me. I have plenty of room in my new spot. You can stay in one of my guest rooms,” says Tina.

  “Guest rooms?”

  “Girl you know Tina’s new boo is rich. She hit the jackpot with this one. He got room for all of us,” said Wanda not looking up from her food.

  "Thank you, Tina! You’re the best."

  "Plus, you know he owns a construction company, he's always looking for good talent. He may be able to get you a good p
osition paying pretty well."

  "Damn. Are you sure? He can do that for me?"

  "Of course! I talk to him all the time about stuff like this. I know he can hook you up," said Tina.

  “See, that's why I love having people in my circle that actually care about me. I really love you both,” said Latoya, and they hugged.

  "Yea. Because to be frank with you, Toya, you're not going to find a good job with no college degree. You need something to get your resume up. I'll set up a meeting with y'all ASAP," said Tina.

  Latoya had not been to Tina’s house since she moved in with her boyfriend, Marvin. They moved in together about six months ago. Wanda had been, but Latoya hadn’t. It was way up in Alpharetta, Georgia so she never got a chance to check it out. Wanda told her it was gorgeous.

  Latoya was in an Uber XL with all of her bags when she road through Tina’s neighborhood for the first time. The houses were bigger than she expected. Two and even three story houses. They were mansions. Estates. Huge lawns. Huge gates around the properties. It was a very upscale, wealthy neighborhood with not that many blacks. She pulled up into the driveway. She texted Tina and told her that she had arrived.

  Latoya stood at the front door with two of her packed bags in hand.

  “Welcome to mi casa,” Tina said as she opened the door.

  “Hey girl. Thank you. This shit is amazing,” Latoya said.

  “Yes. It’s pretty nice. Come on in, let me help you with the bags,” she said as she grabbed a bag from her grasp.

  She followed Tina inside the house and to the room where she would be staying. The inside looked even more attractive than the outside. Super high ceilings. Chandeliers. Fancy art. Clean and crisp furniture. Latoya was thoroughly in awe. Tina helped her bring all the stuff in. Then they both flopped on Latoya’s soon to be bed and looked up to the ceiling.

  “Woooo! Girl, you have more junk than me! These bags are super heavy. What’d you have in them, bricks?!” said Tina.

  “I know. I have too many clothes. It’s ridiculous…That’s probably why I’m broke now. I have too much of an expensive taste for clothes and bags.”