Kiss Like a Fist: A Paranormal Harem Pulp Novel (Hell's Belles Book 1)

by Jake Richter

They headed down toward The Man, who peered at them through his mirrored lenses. Alex couldn’t read his expression but the two ladies were grinning broadly before they pulled out sawed-off shotguns and aimed them at everyone.

  “What in south Hades is going on?” Ash asked.

  The Man unholstered an enormous pistol. He looked at Ash while wagging the gun at Alex. “What’s going on is I heard some very troubling news about your boy there.”

  Alex and Ash shared a look.

  “I heard you tried to alter a divine plan and fucked everything up,” The Man said.

  “That’s not right,” Alex replied.

  “Callin’ me a liar?”

  “I’m callin’ this a morning. Now you and your cheap high heels need to drop your weapons,” Ash said.

  The Man grinned. “No can do. Word on the street is that Grimwood has you dead to rights, girlie.”

  “The word is wrong.”

  “Nevertheless, I’ve been told that Grimwood is looking for your man-friend there and I’m duty-bound to take him in.”

  “It won’t end it,” Ash replied. “The sickle’s gone missing.”

  “The fuck you say,” the Man exclaimed.

  Ash nodded. “It’s true, and besides you know protocol. You can’t take a mortal down without besting him.”

  “What does that mean?” Alex whispered.

  “You have to fight him,” Ash replied.

  Alex looked over. “Excuse me?”

  Ash nodded. “He has to kick your ass to claim victory.”

  Alex gulped. “Is that absolutely necessary?”

  “It’s in the rules.”

  “The Underworld has rules?”

  She nodded. “Unwritten ones, including one that says you can’t be taken down without being given a chance at a fair fight.”

  Alex stiffened. He looked back at The Man. “I really don’t think any of this is called for, sir. I certainly don’t have a bone to pick with you, and we’re really under the gun here.”

  The Man dropped his gun to the ground.

  He cracked his neck.

  Alex grimaced.

  Ash huddled with Alex. “Fight your fight, not his,” she whispered to him. “Use your strengths.”

  “What if I don’t have any?”

  Ash ignored this. “Just keep moving and wait for him to expose a weakness.”

  “Do you really think I can beat him?”

  “Probably not.”

  Ash kissed Alex on the cheek as he swung around and—

  WHAM!

  The Man threw a punch that caught Alex in the jaw, spinning him to the ground. The others shouted and Spence urged Alex to get back up, which he did.

  The older man pounced as Alex threw an elbow that hammered him in the chest, driving the air from his lungs.

  He doubled over and Alex karate-chopped him on the shoulder. But as he dropped to the ground he then swept one of his boots out, taking Alex’s feet out from under him.

  Alex stood up and started to bob and weave with increasing quickness as he circled The Man, who didn’t move. The Man just stood there, rigid as a fence post and then—

  The Man snapped out at Alex.

  He moved faster than anyone at his age should be able to move.

  His gnarled hands wrapped around Alex’s throat. He drove Alex to the ground and proceeded to pummel his midsection.

  Alex blocked some of the blows but others found their marks, and soon his ribs and kidney were aching.

  “You’re going down, boy,” The Man hissed.

  Alex tried to shrug The Man off, but couldn’t. At the instant he thought he might pass out, he heard Ash shriek, “TAKE HIS EYES!”

  Alex reckoned that The Man’s glasses were the key!

  His hands shot out and the Man simply knocked them aside, repositioning himself. Alex thought the old bastard felt like he was stronger than God.

  The Man’s hands wrapped around Alex’s throat and Alex knew it was only minutes, maybe less, before he passed out.

  Then he felt it.

  The warm current in his pocket.

  The pearl!

  The Man grimaced and pressed down on Alex, who reached down and fumbled the pearl out. The Man’s mirrored eyes pinballed from Alex to the pearl.

  “Hey, what do you—”

  Alex grabbed the pearl and slammed it into The Man’s chest—

  BOOM!

  There was a pyrotechnic flash as the impact drove The Man through the air—

  Into the Sprinter, where his body left an imprint in the side panel.

  The Man slid to the ground and lay with his back to the machine.

  Alex stalked forward and The Man looked up, smiling through gritted teeth. “I like your style, kid. You’ve got stones.”

  “That’s about all I’ve got.”

  “Sometimes that’s enough.”

  With much effort, The Man staggered to his feet. “The kid whipped my britches, Ash. The rules are the rules. The weapons are yours.”

  The Man’s two lady-friends opened the doors of the van to reveal an arsenal of weapons stowed inside. Everything from the mundane to the exotic.

  “What would you like?” the Man asked.

  “Um, everything,” Spence replied.

  The Man nodded. “By the looks of things you’re gonna need it.”

  He pointed and Alex looked. There was an ominous spiral of black smoke rising in the distance. Things were visible in the air along with a phalanx of cars.

  “GRAB THE GUNS!” Ash screamed. “GRIMWOOD’S COMING!”

  18

  There was little time, so Alex picked up a coil of rope and two pistols that were so large they resembled hand cannons. Ash snagged a couple of assault shotguns and a length of rope. Spence grabbed a cylindrical grenade launcher. Minnie and Camille grabbed swords, what appeared to be two tiny explosives that resembled hard candy and a rotary gun with a drum that held what looked like syringes.

  The Man and his ladies jumped into the van and drove off, leaving Alex and the others behind. Alex knew there wasn’t enough time to get outta Dodge. The time had come to take a stand.

  “You ready to do this, Spence?” Alex asked. “You ready to do battle with these bastards?”

  Spence nodded. “Fuck yeah. Last night I got laid by two gorgeous women and now I’m in the fucking heat of battle. My dick is permanently hard!”

  Camille heard that and cooed. Alex yelled at her. “Focus! We need to fight not fuck.”

  Minnie purred in agreement. “Meow.”

  Ash laughed. “You need to get a room.”

  Spence chuckled. “We already did!”

  Now firmly in place with Alex in position behind the Challenger, Ash stood next to Minnie. She was prowling, ready to take on anything that came her way. Spence and Camille crouched behind the others, acting as a last line of defense.

  Alex looked out as a motley assortment of humans drove up in cars and on motorcycles that were kicking up a whirlwind of dust. Circling above them, like a flock of pigeons, were more of the hell-bats he’d seen the night before.

  An old-school Harley skidded to a stop and Alex saw a very tall, well-dressed man with mushroom-white skin dismount the bike. He thought he’d seen the man driving the Mustang the previous night, but he wasn’t completely sure.

  “That’s him isn’t it?” Alex nodded.

  Ash nodded. “That’s the bastard. That’s Grimwood.”

  Grimwood strode forward as the others, including Dante, a number of ‘awakened’ humans (the victims from the accident back on the highway), and four shapeshifting creatures prowled the area behind him.

  Ash chambered a round in one of her shotguns and took a step forward. Alex grabbed her hand.

  “I can handle him,” Ash said. “His bark is worse than his bite.”

  She plodded forward and stopped six feet away from Grimwood, who grinned like he didn’t have a care in the world.

  “Grim,” Ash said.

  “Miss A
shley.”

  “Been a hot minute, huh?”

  “A minute away you from you feels like eternity.”

  Ash smiled. “That’s a pretty good line.”

  “I’ve had some time to work on it.”

  Ash sighed. “So, here’s the quick and dirty, Grim. I’m gonna need you and the whack-pack to stand down and step aside so me and my guys and gals can get our stroll on.”

  “I’m afraid I can’t do that,” Grimwood said, gesturing at Alex. “What with your humanoid over there having the sickle and all.”

  “He doesn’t have it.”

  “Prove it.”

  “You never were very smart. You know I can’t prove a negative.”

  “Then turn him over to me and I’ll check for myself.”

  “The last time I turned something over to you, you turned it into a pig with no legs.”

  Grimwood shrugged. “Mistakes were made.”

  “Yeah, well, I can’t take the risk. I can’t turn him over,” Ash said firmly.

  “Which is why I can’t step aside, sweetness.”

  “It’s gonna be like that then?”

  Grimwood nodded. “Can’t be any other way.”

  “Will you give me the courtesy of making it back to my guys before you fire on me?”

  Grimwood smiled again. “Of course, Ashley. I mean, if a lady can’t trust the Lord of Souls, who can she trust?”

  Ash took several steps and then Grimwood whipped out a silver pistol that he had concealed near the small of his back and fired a shot at her.

  Ash reacted, instinct taking over. She ducked and spun and threw out a hand, deflecting the round from Grimwood’s gun.

  “Asshole,” she hissed, pulling her shotgun around.

  She fired and Grimwood ran for cover as his team piled out of their cars and the flock of hell-bats descended on everybody.

  Alex froze, watching Spence let loose with the grenade launcher.

  He winced because it was obvious Spence had never fired a fuckin’ gun in his life.

  Grenades corkscrewed wildly through the air in every direction, the recoil from the weapon knocking Spence on his ass.

  Still, a couple of his shots were true and slammed into the motorcycles, blasting them apart.

  Grimwood’s people moved evasively as Ash scrambled over to Alex and tossed him the other shotgun.

  Alex crouched low and ran forward as two possessed people, an older man and woman carrying long metal bars with sharpened tips, confronted him.

  “GIVE US THE FUCKING SICKLE!” the woman screamed, her eyes bulging, her mouth pulled back in a demonic sneer.

  “COME AND TAKE IT!”

  The woman rampaged forward and Alex brought both of his pistols up, overwhelmed with competing emotions. On the one hand, he felt pangs of guilt over what he knew he was going to have to do when the woman tried to kill him. On the other hand, he was curiously enlivened by the whole experience. Thinking back on all the days he’d spent in dingy bars and crappy clubs, Alex realized he’d just been…existing for nearly all of his life. But at that moment, confronted by the possessed and staring down death, he felt truly alive for the first time in a very long time.

  “I don’t want to hurt you!” Alex shouted.

  “Well, I want to hurt you!” the woman screamed in response. “I want to hurt you really, really, bad!”

  Alex fired a shot.

  He missed of course.

  The woman laughed. She pulled her metal bar back and—

  Alex fired again.

  This time he took off the woman’s left ear.

  “My ear!” the woman hollered. “Y-you just took off my fucking ear!”

  She made a motion to hurl her bar at Alex who fired a third time, drilling a quarter-sized hole in the woman’s right eye.

  The back of the woman’s head blew out in a red mist and she fell back even as the possessed man behind her sprang forward.

  He brought his bar down, grazing Alex’s shoulder. Alex fell to his side and rolled and came up in a shooter’s crouch.

  His possessed opponent swung again and—

  Alex fired a shot that ricocheted off the man’s bar.

  The man stared at the bar in wonder and then Alex fired two shots into the man’s gut as his stomach opened up like a sandwich bag full of red jelly.

  He collapsed in stages, like a tree toppling in the woods.

  Alex sucked in a breath, adrenalized as he turned and—

  One of the hell-bats slammed into his face. Alex fought the creature off and ducked low as he ran toward the others who were engaged in combat.

  He saw Ash facing off against a shapeshifting creature that had transformed into something that resembled a gigantic vulture.

  The creature took off into the air as Ash pumped and fired her shotgun repeatedly.

  One of her bullets clipped the shapeshifter’s wings and the creature pinwheeled down, slamming into the hood of the Challenger.

  “The car!” Alex shouted. “What about the car?!”

  “Least of our worries!” Ash shouted back.

  Beside her, Minnie and Camille were wielding the sword and rotary gun.

  Camille sprayed the rotary gun, firing long syringes which harpooned into the bodies of three more possessed people, who crumpled to the ground.

  One of them, a spindly man with a shag of black hair, dodged the syringes and cracked Camille across the back with a baseball bat. He bellowed and brought the bat back over his head, ready to finish her off when there was a flash of silver.

  Alex watched, awestruck, as Minnie swiped her sword in one fluid motion. She gut-stabbed the man and kicked him back as his body crashed to the ground.

  Alex stumbled back, the fighting all around him. He watched Grimwood’s shapeshifters transform into large birds of prey that flew down, wings out, trying to take his head off.

  He steeled himself, ready for anything, feeling hyperaware, cognizant of every sight and sound. Colors seemed brighter, sounds louder, as he felt the surge of energy from the pearl while wrapping his fingers around his pistol.

  Grimwood, Dante, and the remaining possessed and shapeshifters quickly regrouped and counterattacked.

  Alex saw Dante riding one of the shapeshifters like a horse, firing his weapon as energized rounds from his gun whistled over Alex’s head.

  The beast that Dante was riding resembled a rhino with thick scales that covered its entire body. It had fleshy plates on its side, natural armor, and the beast’s single horn was as sharp as a razor blade. Its glowing red eyes only highlighted its evil appearance.

  Alex and Ash yelled at the same time. “Dante’s mine!”

  The pair wasted little time, letting loose a barrage of bullets that cut through the crisp air.

  Alex sprinted and found that he was outpacing Ash. His feet barely hit the ground as he leveled his hand cannon at Dante and the rhino shapeshifter. He fired but Dante was lightning quick, executing a flip off the rhino and a wicked somersault that landed him on the ground behind the beast, which kept charging.

  Bullets from Alex’s and Ash’s weapons bounced off the rhino’s skin like pebbles striking a windshield, and the creature lowered its head as it charged straight for Alex. But Ash was directly behind Alex and used him as a springboard to catapult herself in the air as she fired two supercharged rounds from her shotgun that pulped the rhino’s head.

  Alex wheeled around, disoriented by the fighting. He saw Minnie getting her ass handed to her by another shapeshifting rhino. The thing’s horn slashed up and knocked her back. She dropped her syringe gun and parried the beast with her hands, but it was too strong.

  Alex had to act fast and he turned to see Spence toss him his grenade launcher. Alex spun and squinted over the weapon’s barrel and shot off a grenade. The grenade flew forward and struck the rhino shapeshifter in the side, ripping the beast away from Minnie who then retrieved her syringe gun and fired a flurry of metal darts into the monster, putting it out of its misery,
with Spence and Camille assisting. Alex watched the trio working together like a well-honed team, the ladies surrounding Spence who was coming into his own as a fighter.

  Alex cheered, but froze when he heard a whistling sound. He looked up to see a pair of fireballs launched by Dante spiraling through the air.

  The fireballs landed like mortar rounds, smearing across the grass, setting the ground on fire.

  In seconds it was like being on the lowest level of Hell.

  Fires raged, smoke billowed, and hell-bats dive-bombed everyone.

  Alex grew disoriented in the din, caught up in the whirlwind of battle, a tempest of sight, sounds, and screams.

  What he’d heard someone once describe as the “fog of war.”

  Clutching his pistols, he neared Ash when a blur flew toward him.

  Alex was hit hard in the side and went flying sideways, losing his pistols in the process.

  He landed hard and rolled over to see Grimwood smiling down at him.

  19

  “Well, hey there, Alex. I’ve heard lots about you,” Grimwood said.

  “A-any of it g-good?” Alex stammered, trying to buy himself a few precious seconds, feeling the warmth from the pearl in his pocket as it glowed to life.

  Grimwood’s smile wilted. “Unfortunately, no.”

  Grimwood grabbed Alex by the chest and tossed him fifteen feet through the air.

  Alex landed on his stomach and carved a trench in the dirt, biting his tongue in the process, his mouth filling with the coppery taste of blood.

  Something slammed down on his back, knocking the air out of him.

  Then he felt Grimwood roughly grab and flip him over.

  “I’m gonna ask you this one time,” Grimwood said, keeping a knee to Alex’s chest, pressing his weight down on him.

  “I can’t breathe,” Alex said.

  “That’s the fucking point, you gnat,” Grimwood replied. “Less oxygen leads to faster answers. Now. Where is the motherfucking sickle?”

  “If I tell you, will you let us go?”

  Grimwood grinned. “I swear on the Grand Reaper’s life.”

  “Okay, then, i-it’s in my p-pocket,” Alex said.

  Grimwood’s brow furrowed. “You expect me to buy that? The sickle’s nearly five feet long.”