Hayden's Verse

by A. C. Bextor

  Toby sits quietly behind them, holding his drumsticks and looking at Marlee as she stands near him on the bar floor. He winks at her and she winks back. The two of them are unquestionably sweet together.

  “Lacey, what’s up?” Raegan asks, looking up at me standing beside her. She’s only had one drink, so it’s safe to say she’s not tipsy . . . yet.

  I send a quick look to Jenna who smiles sheepishly before answering. “Not a lot. Long night.”

  “Long week from what I hear.”

  “That, too.”

  I take a seat at the table and offer Jenna a small reassuring nod. I’m not about to start anything with Hayden’s new whatever she is. He’s deemed himself free to do whatever he wants. That wasn’t my decision, but I’ll respect his.

  “You guys want anything else?”

  Jenna shakes her head, eyes wide. Rae nods, wanting another drink.

  “I’ll be right back then.”

  The music stops when the band goes on break, and I make my way back to Rae with three beers for the guys and her vodka. Once there, I feel the tension.

  *****

  Hayden

  My internal battle wages on. I’ve ignored my heart’s want and ache to talk to Lacey since the night I left her. It’s better this way. I’m better off without her. Just as every other lie I’ve told myself, I know if I keep telling myself this I’ll eventually believe it.

  I haven’t touched another woman since I fucked Lacey the way I did. I haven’t had enough interest to put forth the effort it would take and didn’t want to risk the empty feeling I remember fucking a random can leave inside. I fear I’m ruined. Things won’t be the same, and I’m always going to look for more.

  Lacey has been avoiding my eyes tonight. Every song we’ve played I’ve waited for her to notice, maybe care, but she doesn’t. She feels the same as I want to.

  Done.

  “I’m whipped,” Ace informs Trav and me as we pack up our things.

  “That you are,” I state, not referring to his exhaustion. It’s the exhaustion we’ve all been feeling.

  “Fuck off. You havin’ a drink?”

  “Yeah, one. I have an early morning with Dad.” My dad has insisted on helping me put together a résumé. I’ve conceded to his insistence but not without reluctance.

  Ace tilts his head in the direction of Travis making his way to Kate. She’s been here all night, sitting with a few of her friends at a back table. He looks to be in a big fucking hurry to get to her as he fights through the crowd around him. I wouldn’t think after what happened that night with Sarah that she’d have any interest in being around any of us. We must come off as certifiably crazy to her.

  “Oh, look at that,” I tell Ace, ribbing his side as he stands next to me on stage.

  Something’s gotten into Trav. Kate’s on her feet and Trav has his mouth on hers. She stills for a second then embraces him by wrapping her arms around his neck as they continue their public display in an aggressive manner.

  Even Travis is better at this shit than I am. That thought is depressing. I should take a lesson from him in regards to going after what I want. If only I knew what it was I wanted.

  “Have you ever seen Travis kiss a girl?” Toby asks, finally catching on to what Ace and I are looking at.

  “Not unless you count Amy what’s-her-face from that camp Bean sent us to that summer,” I remind the others. “He missed her face, remember?”

  Ace laughs. “Jesus, I forgot all about that. He kissed her shoulder somethin’ fierce, though.”

  Toby jumps off-stage. “I’m going to grab Marlee now and head home. She’s ready.”

  “We’re having a drink.” After watching Travis go at Kate the way he did, I need a beer and maybe an eye rinse.

  The girls are seated at their usual table. Marlee waits for Toby, Rae waits for Ace, and no one but Jenna waits for me. It’s an empty feeling.

  I take a seat next to Jenna and watch as every eye at the table lands on us. Disappointment, irritation, and resentment. I need to make my intentions clear to them. I need to be sure they understand that Lacey and I weren’t a couple. We had a good time, and still can, but just not in the same way.

  “Lacey’s bringing our order, Hayden. Maybe you should go.” Raegan’s generally fairly tolerant of who I’ve always been but obviously not anymore.

  “We’re staying for a drink. Then we will,” I reply with a deliberate tone. I’m not used to being direct with my friends.

  “Whatever,” she answers. Ace grabs her shoulders from behind. Her attention goes to him and she sighs irritably.

  A few minutes go by in silence as we wait for Lacey. When she makes her way to the table, my chest seizes. I’m shocked at how little I was able to forget about her. Immediately, I sense my struggle with being in her presence.

  “Hey, Hayden,” she greets me casually. “I didn’t get you anything to drink but can go back up.”

  When our eyes meet, hers narrow. She’s pissed. I don’t blame her.

  “We’re leaving in a few minutes. I’m good.” I look to Jenna who doesn’t have a drink in front of her. “Do you want anything or do you want to go?”

  “I’m fine,” she states quietly.

  “We’re fine,” I tell Lacey, who stares at my movement. I wrap my arm around the back of Jenna’s chair. Not because I’m being a dick, but because it’s honestly what I do. If Rae were sitting there, I’d do the same.

  “God, you’re a prick.” I hear Rae’s insult hit the table and no question it’s aimed at me.

  “Raegan,” Ace snaps.

  “He is,” she continues on repeat. “He is.”

  Lacey stands quietly, watching what’s about to happen. As if in slow motion, Rae stands as she pushes Ace away and grabs her drink. Before I have time to react, I’m wearing it.

  “Dick,” she states at the same time she slams the glass down. All bottles on the table rattle in response.

  I’m stunned motionless. I’ve never seen Rae act out like she just did. Jenna has already backed up her chair by the time I’m able to wipe the drink off my brow. I don’t say anything; the shock of her action and the liquor covering me stops my movement. I hear Ace snap at Rae again but she doesn’t waver.

  “You’re going to grow old alone. You and Travis both. Women aren’t pawns, Hayden. You hurt her!”

  Ace grabs Rae’s arm and pulls her into him. She quiets and the tears in her eyes on Lacey’s behalf don’t fall but hold steady. Lacey clears her throat when the table gets quiet. Marlee and Toby take this as a cue to walk away.

  “Hayden, can you take me home?” Jenna asks, never taking her eyes off me. Guilt mars her features. She has nothing to feel guilty about.

  “Yeah, let’s go.”

  I don’t offer any excuse or reasons to Raegan. I’m understandably too pissed.

  Before I turn around, though, I take one last glance at Lacey. Her mouth has fallen open and her face is red. I don’t take any more time to look at her than needed. The pain in her eyes expresses more hurt than I had expected.

  After apologizing to Jenna all the way home, I drop her off and ensure she’s inside safe and comfortable before turning around and heading to Lacey. This is probably a mistake and it’s just as probable that Travis won’t let me in to talk to her, but I’m headed there to try.

  The knock on the door goes unanswered. Trav’s Jeep isn’t here. I look inside the apartment window and notice the lights on and Lacey standing in the kitchen. She’s ignoring me.

  Nice.

  “Lacey,” I say into the door. “Can we talk? It won’t take long, I promise. Then I’ll go.”

  “No.” The answer comes through the door and her voice is close enough I know she’s now standing on the other side of it.

  “Jesus Christ, Lace. Open the fucking door.”

  I imagine the stubborn woman standing on the other side with her foot cocked to the side and her hands on her hips. I let a few moments pass before I try again. Just a
s I’m ready to start knocking, the door swings open.

  Lacey’s changed into a familiar nightshirt and a pair of men’s boxers. Her hair is casually lying in a half-ponytail down her back and she’s been home long enough to get through her evening routine before bed. Her face is makeup free.

  Fuck me, she’s still perfect.

  “I’m sorry,” I tell her sincerely.

  “For what?”

  My reason for apologizing should be obvious, but she’s going to make me explain. “For tonight.”

  “For tonight,” she repeats with a cocked brow. “Nothing else?”

  “Can I come in?”

  “Fuck no.” She’s pissed.

  I start to move toward her and the door slams in my face. I don’t hear the lock click into place, so I open it and invite myself in. She’s walking toward the kitchen and mumbling at me, “Make yourself at home then.”

  Standing near the door, leaving it open for quick escape, I stare at her until she turns around and looks at me. “What?” she snaps. “What’s so important, Hayden? It’s past midnight. I’m tired.”

  “I don’t know.”

  “I hate that answer. It’s a child’s response. Are you a child?”

  God, she’s really fucking pissed. “Stop.”

  “Love to. Get out.”

  I don’t answer her demand. Seeing as she’s not going to listen to anything I have to say and not knowing what I’d say anyway, I turn around and look at the porch of Trav’s apartment and talk to it, hoping she hears me.

  “I fucked up. I know this. You hate me.”

  She cuts me off, her tone softer than before. “I don’t hate you, Hayden. I just don’t understand you.”

  “I hope we can be friends again. I miss you.”

  “I can tell,” she utters under her breath. “You just don’t want to fuck me.” She states this louder; the hate in her voice delivers another blow inside.

  Turning around to face her, I give her the truth I didn’t realize until this moment. “I never fucked you.”

  “Right.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “You said that.”

  “Fuck. This is what I’ve been avoiding. Exactly this bullshit. The who’s chasing who act that goes with every fucking relationship people get sucked into.”

  Her eyebrows rise with her question. “Who’s chasing who?”

  “Never mind.”

  She rolls her eyes and starts to walk toward me. “I’m bored, Hayden. Go home. Go to your dad’s. Go fuck a dozen women. I don’t care, just don’t be here.”

  With her dismissal blatantly stated, I’m done. I do as she requested and walk out without looking back.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN

  One month later . . .

  Hayden

  “WHAT ARE YOU going to do with all this shit?” Sarah asks as she thumbs through vinyl record after record. My collection is dwindling as we speak.

  “Tossing most of them. Take what you want.”

  She holds up a classic AC/DC sleeve, that I’m going to mourn parting with, and laughs at the cover. “You and Trav really listen to this shit?”

  “Ace does, too. Don’t knock it.”

  “Why are you getting rid of all of it? You moving or something?”

  Sarah came over to help me go through my stuff. I wanted company, nothing more. Sarah is the only one other than Marlee and Toby who is speaking to me, so at the time I thought it was a good idea to have her over. I’m rethinking this with every insult she throws down at my taste in music.

  “It’s just been sitting around collecting dust.”

  “Hmmm, sounds fishy.”

  “You’re fishy.”

  Sarah smiles at me, and I can see the hint of sadness she feels on my behalf knowing the others have sentenced me with their silence. I catch her staring at me every so often and I wait for her to broach the subject of my state of lonely. So far she hasn’t.

  “Thanks for letting me come over. Ace said this was an approved outing. What the fuck ever.”

  “Still grounded?”

  “Still and always.” She shrugs, appearing to have accepted her punishment for attempting to act her age. “I think this is a recon mission anyway. I’m supposed to report back how you’re doing.”

  “So they do care,” I reply with subtle sarcasm.

  “Not Rae. She’s still pissed.”

  I believe that.

  Sarah moves to my couch and grabs the remote to the TV off the table. She flips through a few channels before finding one she likes then grabs the blanket and adjusts it on top of her.

  Thanks for the help, squirt.

  About an hour later, I’m finished with the music collection and I’m about to head into the box of pictures. I smile as I remove the lid, thinking of Bean and her lecture about filling my own pictures.

  The knock at the door catches my attention, so I put the box on the table to answer it. On the way, I catch a glance at a sleeping Sarah. Even sleeping company is better than none, I guess.

  Opening the door, I see a teary-eyed Lacey standing outside. She looks worn, tired, and scared. My initial reaction is to grab her and hug her, but I fight the urge with great effort.

  “Hayden.” Her voice is haunted and broken.

  “Lacey? Are you okay? Jesus. Come in.”

  She steps in and looks around at the boxes. “Are you moving?”

  “No,” I answer. “Cleaning.”

  She points to the couch where my useless helper is balled onto. “Is that Sarah?”

  “Yeah, she came to help.” Her smile is small, but there. “What’s up?”

  “I . . .” She stops, catches her breath. “I need to talk to you.”

  “About?”

  “Can we talk alone?”

  Not understanding what’s happening, I walk to Sarah. She wakes up bitchy; I’ve known this since she was small so I prepare. “You gotta go. Lacey’s here.”

  “What?” She sits up. “Lacey’s here?”

  “Yeah, squirt. You gotta go.”

  She lays her head back on the couch and puts her palms to her eyes then stretches her body out. “Shit, I fell asleep.”

  “You did. Thanks for all the help, by the way.”

  She flings the blanket onto the floor, jackknifes off the couch, and huffs, “Well, you’re welcome, jackass.”

  I don’t wait for her to say more; I walk toward Lacey and hold the door open for Sarah to pass through it. She stops in front of Lacey and insults me again before leaving. “He’s in a mood. Good luck.”

  Hater.

  After Sarah slams the door on her way out, Lacey’s eyes find mine and instantly they start to water. I’ve made it a point not to contact her to ensure a clean break, so I’m unsure what this is about.

  “Do you want to sit?” I ask quietly.

  “No, but I think you should.”

  “Uhh, okay.”

  I turn to sit at the dining table and when I do, Lacey takes two steps toward me, but stops. “I’m pregnant, Hayden.”

  Her words floor me. Lacey’s pregnant. We haven’t had sex in well over a month. The last time we did, I used her body and all but threw her out of my life. I sent her away to be with someone else.

  It can’t be mine.

  The room spins momentarily, and I grasp the table as if it offers the support I don’t have anywhere else. “Pregnant,” I utter to myself.

  “Yes. Eight weeks. Maybe nine.”

  My mind races through the time we spent together. We were together around that time. My stomach drops as I ask, “Is it mine?”

  Her expression changes from sad to angry. It’s not lost on me that I’ve only seen anger from her the last few times we’ve been in the same room together. “Did you really just ask me that?”

  “I don’t know what else to say.”

  “Well, don’t say that.” Her hand goes to her forehead and she rests it there while the other rests on her hip. She spins in a small circle before adding, “
Yes, Hayden. I’m pregnant and it’s yours. Jesus Christ, I didn’t think I’d have to explain all this.”

  “How?”

  “How what?”

  I accuse, my mind catching up now that I’ve allowed oxygen back into my body. “How are you pregnant?” I stand, walk toward her and look down, drilling my eyes to hers.

  “You told me you were on the pill, Lacey. You told me you were clean and it was okay.”

  “When I got sick.”

  Memories of her sick in that bed for days and how it was me who took care of her flash through my mind. “What’s you being sick have anything to do with anything?”

  “The meds. They affected the pills.”

  “You didn’t know this would happen?” Again, I’m accusing.

  “I didn’t think about it. I was sick, Hayden.”

  “So you’re an idiot when you’re sick.”

  The slap to my face stings like a bitch. She balls her hand after, feeling the burn my face left on her palm. She regroups and hits me, this time with her words. “Not for the reasons you’re implying. I’m an idiot because we were a mistake. You were a fucking mistake. You’re an asshole, Hayden.”

  Turning around, she starts to head toward the door. Even in my confused and angry frame of mind, I was projecting and that was a dick move. “Okay, stop. Wait.”

  When she faces me again, I ache as I watch another tear fall. “I’m surprised, Lacey. You can get that, can’t you?”

  She looks down, twisting her hands in front of her, and sobs. “Yes.”

  “I didn’t want this,” I admit; she deserves the truth.

  “I know.”

  “I don’t want this.”

  “I know, Hayden. You don’t have to do anything or be anything you aren’t.”

  Her statement sends me into an irritated frenzy. As long as I can remember my best friends, who I’ve considered my brothers, have expected nothing from me. Coming from her, who once claimed to have seen more, it pisses me off. “Well, that’s reassuring. Thanks.”

  Her head raises and her eyes search my face. “I didn’t mean it like . . .”

  “I know exactly what you meant.”