Hayden's Verse

by A. C. Bextor

  After my dad left, I called Ace. His clipped tone and angry words were expected. He was rightfully still wanting to kick my ass. His acceptance of an overnight getaway stay at the beach house, just the guys, was unexpected and appreciated. It was late and he had to fill in behind the microphone tonight due to my unexpected absence.

  “When we grew up and starting learning we can’t do anything without them,” Toby smarts at Trav’s irritation.

  “You have Marlee, asshat. She’s cool as fuck with anything you do. Don’t play it off like you’re affected like the rest of us,” Ace corrects Toby’s statement with his own version of reality. “Raegan runs me the fuck over.”

  “You let her,” I remind him, grabbing another beer from the cooler.

  “I do,” he agrees with less irritation. “She and Deck are everything to me.”

  His admission is one I never thought I’d understand. I haven’t talked to Lacey since she admitted she loved me and then listened to her angry words that harshly reminded me of what a stupid fuck I am. Ace told me over the phone that she called Rae to stay with her during my absence because she was feeling ‘off.’ I’m not sure what that means, but Lacey’s been careful her entire pregnancy, from what I know, and is good about listening to her body’s changes and demands. I’ve never worried about that.

  “I’m happy you have her,” I tell Ace, handing him another beer. “I owe her an apology. I’ll talk to her when we get back.”

  “Fuck yeah, you will. I hate seein’ her cry. You had her bawlin’ all the way home. I’m not sorry I beat your ass for it, either.”

  “I earned it. It’ll never happen again.”

  Travis pipes in from across the fire, “No, it fuckin’ won’t. Even Sarah was devastated. Have you ever seen Sarah cry? Christ, she brought tears to my fuckin’ eyes.” He wipes his brow with back of the hand clutching his beer. “See what I’m talkin’ about? These women are makin’ me nuts.”

  We all look at each other in question, each of us trying to reflect back to when Sarah showed enough emotion to allow tears to flow. Ace and Toby shake their heads while I answer Travis. “I feel worse now. Fuck, I didn’t realize the demon’s daughter would be just as upset.”

  “Drunk bastard,” Ace says with sarcasm, but laughs through it.

  “I was having a very bad fucking day,” I remind them as I take a pull from my fifth or sixth beer. I’ve lost count.

  “I know, Hayden,” Toby states. He wasn’t there when I fell apart in front of my friends and terrorized them with my words, but he’s always been supportive.

  “After everything that has happened the last few months, it was my breaking point. I’m sorry I hurt you all, the girls especially.”

  Ace pins me with a questioning look. “Lacey’s it for you, Hayden. You’ve changed.”

  “I have,” I agree.

  “I’m proud of you.” Travis offering a compliment to my life is rare, if ever heard. “I’m happy for you and Lacey. Don’t fuck it up.”

  “I won’t. I can’t.”

  “Do you love her?” Ace asks, still staring. I’m sensing he’s waiting for me to bolt at the mention of love.

  “I love her,” I confirm.

  “Well, it’s about fuckin’ time,” Travis answers.

  “Drink to that!” Toby raises his beer, looking a little drunk.

  Ace smiles at Toby and sends a quick look to Travis before speaking. “I’ve forgiven you; I want you to know that. I forgave you for Kenna a long time ago.”

  I don’t say anything. If this is Ace’s version of an apology, I sure as fuck don’t want to interrupt it.

  “I was a dick back then. You were my best friend and you fucked my woman.”

  “She was a whore,” Trav offers in my defense.

  “Not the point.” Ace’s eyes cut to Trav then back to me. “I’m glad you finally found the right girl.”

  “Hey, guys?” Travis asks the group with a light tone. “After my sister has this baby, could you all stop breeding?”

  The guys and I bust out laughing, but Trav’s face is stoic and serious.

  “Who asks shit like that?” I ask.

  “Me. Seriously. All these kids make it impossible to do shit together like this. Honest to fuck, our hangouts are more about the women, kids, and stupid fucking dogs.” Trav’s eyes dart to Ace in reference to the stupidest dog on Earth.

  Ace sticks up for Diamond, realizing his best canine friend is being ridiculed and not left without an unsaid threat. “Leave him alone. He’s jittery around people. He’s gettin’ better but it takes time.”

  Toby laughs freely, holding his gut as he sits back in his chair. “Jittery? Fuck no; he’s crazy, Ace. I’m wondering how you and Rae ever have sex. He’s all over her . . . all the time.”

  “Sleeps with Deck,” Ace reassures, rebounding quickly. “Not even clothes stand in my way of her.”

  “Oh, come on! For the love of Christ, please don’t go there about her again,” Travis exclaims as he starts to stand then sits back down. “I swear to God, you two are worse than any of them.” He points to me then Toby. “I can’t handle more visuals.”

  “Why not? Rae’s fucking hot. You know she is, so admit it,” I comment to the group, “Marlee is, too. Both of them would take any man down in flames.” Toby and Ace look at me and smile, both knowing I’m right and appreciating the compliment. They’ve been with the girls long enough to know they belong to them, so I’m in no way a threat.

  “Rae’s like my sister. I don’t think of her like that.”

  Curiosity laced with alcohol has me asking a question I’ve never voiced but always wondered. “Why are you and Rae so close, Trav?”

  “What do you mean?”

  The question draw the others’ full attention; it seems I’m not the only one who’s been curious about the two of them and their unsaid connection. “I mean since she got here, you and her have only gotten closer. I’ve never had that with a woman I’d consider only a friend.”

  “You have it with Sarah,” Trav replies, avoiding my direct observation.

  “Sarah’s different. Tell me.”

  Trav takes another drink of his beer, stalling his response, then answers. “Raegan’s been through shit. She’s had it rough almost her entire life, but she’s never let it affect who she’s always wanted to be. I respect that.”

  “You understand that,” Ace corrects, referring to Trav’s rough start to his own life and his mother.

  “And I understand it. I mean it when I say I love her like a sister.”

  “Lacey’s fucking hot, too,” Toby states out of nowhere. All eyes fall to him and he smiles wide at his own uncharacteristic remark.

  “Wow, Toby,” I answer in response.

  “Jesus, fuck. I’ve never heard you talk about anyone but Marlee,” Ace comments.

  “Now that, motherfucker, is my sister. She’s not hot, damn it. She’s just Lacey.” Travis stands this time; he’s completely uncomfortable having this discussion. It’s fun to poke at him.

  Toby continues grinning. “Then you’re not looking where I’m looking.”

  “Oh, shit,” I hear, coming from Ace. “Toby’s on a roll tonight.” They clink beer bottles and take another drink.

  “You need a good woman of your own, Trav. What happened with Kate?” Ace replies, standing, as well.

  “Won’t work. She’s needy. She wants all my attention all the time.”

  “And she doesn’t like Sarah,” I add, glancing to Ace to gauge his reaction.

  “It’s not that she doesn’t like her. It’s that she doesn’t like me talking to her.”

  “Why not?” Ace asks. His tone is defensive as it always is regarding his kid sister.

  Trav thinks about his answer, tossing the stripped label of his beer into the fire. “She thinks Sarah and I are too close. She says I’m too involved in her life.”

  “Well, fuck. You’ll always be involved. If you end up with a woman who doesn’t appreciate that, t
hen fuck her.”

  “I’m about to give up on women. Maybe now that Hayden will be busy with the baby, I can start fuckin’ my way through them like he did.”

  I laugh; Trav is so not the type. “Good luck with that. You gotta be nice to them first. You can’t do it.”

  Ace laughs with me, knowing I’m exactly right. “You need someone like you, Trav. Not a lot of women will put up with your shit. At least not for long anyway.”

  “What the fuck does that mean?”

  “Sayin.’ You need someone who isn’t afraid of you or who isn’t intimidated by your moody ass.” Ace’s explanation is exact. Trav does need that.

  “He needs someone like Sarah,” Toby rebuts and the moment he finishes that thought, our loud silence falls and eyebrows rise in his direction.

  Where the fuck did that shit come from?

  “What the fuck did you say?” Ace asks, readying to strike.

  As always, I sweep in for damage control and sit up in my chair. “He said ‘like’ Sarah, not specifically Sarah.”

  Travis pins me with a ‘shut the fuck up’ look and I stop talking.

  “Okay,” Ace concedes, tossing his beer in the trash. “I’m going to bed. I told Rae I’d be home early to give her a break from Decklan and Lacey. Hayden, you’re home early, too. If I leave without you, Rae will withhold Super Sunday sex.”

  “Super Sunday sex?” Travis asks. He realizes too late that he shouldn’t have.

  “Yep,” Ace replies quickly, “Joseph takes Deck to church on Sunday mornings.”

  “Oh, God,” Trav returns.

  “I get Rae any way I want her and don’t have to worry about kids walkin’ in, where Deck’s at, or whatever else keeps me from her. Super Sunday sex is the shit. It gets me through ’til Wednesday when Joseph takes Deck to his religion classes.”

  “You wait that long? Sunday to Wednesday? I would’ve never guessed.” I’m really surprised.

  “Fuck no. It’s just the other days of the week I can’t have both hands on her. One is usually over her fuckin’ mouth. She’s loud as fuck.”

  Surprised no more.

  Travis’s face is still scrunched with disgust. “You get that’s not something we all need to hear about, right?”

  “Then don’t worry yourself with Super Sunday sex,” he answers. “I’m out. Gonna call Rae before she goes to bed.”

  Travis and Toby start to follow Ace but Travis stops and sits next to me, waiting for the others to go inside.

  “I said nothing,” I tell him, putting my hands in the air and referring to Sarah.

  “There is nothing to have been said. What the fuck is Toby on about, though? That fucker want me dead or what?”

  “Toby’s not a drinker. He had maybe four beers, which is a lot for him. Let it go.”

  “I’m goin’ in. You?”

  “I’m hanging here.” I open the cooler at my side and gesture. “I’ve got a couple more. Beer won’t go to waste because you pansy asses can’t hang like you used to.”

  “You’re going to make this right with Lace, aren’t you? Either you’re in or you’re out, Hayden. She can’t take much more. None of us can.”

  I stand, offering a side-arm hug in reassurance. “I’m in, Travis. If she’ll have me, I’m in. I meant what I said. I love her.”

  “You love a woman. One woman. God help her then.”

  “True that, Trav. Go get some sleep; I may need help with some desperate groveling tomorrow.”

  *****

  The rest of the night, I sit alone near the light of the diminishing fire, contemplating how the next phase of my life will go.

  I think a lot about my mom. All these years, I thought she was somewhere else living the life she wanted without us in it. When I was a kid and couldn’t sleep at night, I used to look out my window and wonder if she ever thought about me. I was curious to know if she regretted the decision to leave or if she ever thought about coming back. I wondered if she was watching me from a distance, keeping tabs on how many base hits I’d made or how many times the little league coach slapped my shoulder with his congratulations. I realize now, after all I’ve learned about what happened, that she probably was watching me, and I will see her again, but not in this life.

  My dad’s decision to keep her death from me was a selfish one, whether he ever admits this or not. Granted, I understand his need to protect me, but to keep it from me all of my adult life was unquestionably the wrong thing to do. I’m thankful he’s healthy and sober. I’m more thankful he’s healing in ways he never let himself heal before; ways I never knew he had yet to heal. I’m relieved he won’t miss getting to know his granddaughter the way he missed knowing me as a kid.

  History.

  It all comes back to that in one way or another. We reflect on it more than we realize. We remember people, places, things, and feelings. We can’t change any of it and if we’re lucky, we don’t harbor too many regrets so we’re able to look back and be at peace with where we’ve been and who we’ve lost and gained along the way. Sometimes, though, it just takes a fuck of a long time to let the past go and make room for a promising future.

  Lacey loves me.

  I smile into the sun as it starts to make its way up the horizon. That little nut loves me, and hearing it from her heart the way I did makes me want to hear it every day for the rest of my life.

  After letting go of a sad history, I’m determined I’m going to spend a future making her happy and making myself worthy of the love she’s given me without hesitation all this time.

  You’re not what they say you are. Those words changed me long before I wanted to realize they had.

  That crazy woman is perfect for me. Deep down, I’ve known this but refused to admit it. Time and time again she’s amazed me with her crazy ways, her love of others, and her remarkable talent to make me see the man I could be; letting go of all the emptiness I’ve been swallowed in up until today.

  Shutting my eyes, I get comfortable and take in the warmth the California morning sun offers. I’m going to my house later today and I’m going to ask Lacey to make it our home.

  *****

  “Hayden.” The voice is distant, coming closer. “Hayden!”

  Sitting up in my chair, I look behind me toward the house and see Travis coming at me in a dead run. I stand with nervousness. Something’s wrong. The sun is in full view and the temperature has risen. I grab my phone to check the time but find it’s dead.

  Shit.

  Once Travis reaches me, he pants breathlessly through his intended thought but fails. “Lacey . . . she’s in . . .” He bends over, bracing his hands to his knees and catching his breath.

  “What the fuck!” Ace shouts from the house, motioning his finger in the air in a ‘let’s get going’ gesture.

  “Travis, what’s wrong with her? Where’s Lacey?” Panic grips my chest as I wait for him to collect his thoughts. He should do more cardio; he’s worthless in a panic.

  He stands, reaches out and puts his hand on my shoulder. “Baby’s comin’ now.”

  Oh, fuck. Shit. No. “She’s not ready. She’s got weeks to go.”

  Shaking his head, he grabs my bag near my chair. “Rae called. Lacey’s been trying to reach you for an hour, Hayden. She’s already at the hospital. We gotta go, man. Come on.”

  Lacey went into labor. Of course I missed it.

  Jesus fuck.

  “Where’s Toby?” I don’t see him or his car in the driveway as we throw our bags in Trav’s Jeep.

  “He left. He’s done this before; he knows how to calm a crazy woman. Lacey was hysterical when she couldn’t reach you. He’s headed there now to tell her we’re en-route.”

  “Fuck.” I halt my movement. I look to Travis then to Ace who are both staring at me with concern. “I’m . . .”

  Ace slaps the back of my shoulder. “Nervous?”

  “Yeah. I need her to be okay.” Not only the baby, but Lacey.

  Ace smiles and Travis groans h
is statement, “She’s fuckin’ fine, Hayden.” Slamming the back of the Jeep after putting our stuff in, he turns to us and reiterates, “See what I’m talkin’ about? These women make us fuckin’ crazy.”

  “It’s a good crazy, Trav. Get in,” Ace instructs, opening the back door and making room so he can slide in. Trav gets behind the wheel and starts the Jeep once I’m ready.

  “Adelaide June,” I tell the others.

  “Who the fuck is that?” Ace asks from the backseat.

  “My girl.”

  “Adelaide June? Jesus,” Travis sneers. “Do you not like her?”

  “Lacey’s idea,” I tell the window as I watch the houses we pass.

  “Well, fuck. Let’s talk her out of that. My first niece won’t be named Adelaide June.

  What the fuck is that? Who thinks up shit like that?”

  “My crazy girl does.”

  CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE

  Hayden

  ONCE AT THE hospital, Marlee greets us at the main entrance. She rushes toward me and grabs me around the waist, holding tightly. Nervous, I push her away and grip her arms, looking down on her small, perfect, little face.

  “Tell me they’re okay.”

  She grabs my cheek and squeezes it with affection. “They’re fine, Hayden. She’s waiting for you.”

  “Let’s go then!” Trav snaps, coming in from behind me. He’s winded again. Trav dropped me off at the entrance before he and Ace went to park the car. Ace apparently didn’t follow Trav’s run.

  “Wait.” I grab Marlee as she starts to walk away.

  “What? What’s the matter?”

  “I . . .” I don’t know what. “I look like Hell and smell worse. The guys and I . . .”

  Marlee cuts me off, smirk in place, and hits my chest with her small hand with enough force I wince mildly before my eyes go wide. “Hayden.” Her head tilts to the side as though thinking of something sweet to say. “Lacey’s in labor. She’s soaking in her own fluid from the water breaking, and she’s cussing up a storm because she’s in so much pain every five minutes that she’s threatening to pull your daughter out on her own. She’s yelled at Toby three times because he has a dick. You could be dressed as Barney the dinosaur and it wouldn’t matter because in her eyes, honey, this is all your fault.”