Entangled: A Little Too Many, A Little Too Close
Page 5
Who would have known she felt so strongly about him? He didn't. Or at least he thought he could easily shake her off. On her part it was a wakeup call. The thought of another woman getting his attention was something she did not expect in such a short time. She did not quite know how to deal with it. She had no claim on him, but she could not let go easily either.
Popcorn was served later that evening, in front of Philip's large TV screen. Fringe was a Sci-Fi series about a certain mad scientist who had discovered an alternate universe where there was a copy of everyone in this universe. Some film makers were certainly on the fringes over in Hollywood - the boundary between insanity and reality.
Zainab was in her shorts again but partly covered up her legs with a wrapper. She loved freedom. Both sat on the floor, the rug was so soft and warm, it was easy to manoeuvre on. Philip sat further away from the television and could see a glimmer on her face most likely from a little sweat, the kind that came on a lady's face when she wanted a man badly. There was a part of Philip that felt he was doing a lady a favour when he responded to her emotional need. That part had not yet fully understood love and commitment; the real desire in a woman's heart - a long term relationship.
Zainab suddenly sprang up, paused the TV and walked briskly to her room.
"I'll be back. " she mumbled.
"OK"
The atmosphere was tense again as it had been for more than a few nights since she was in the house. Something seemed to change the emotional climate dramatically between 6:00 PM and 10:00 PM. It became worse if they stayed up late. Zainab came back in a minute with her violin. She sat on the couch, laid the instrument gently on her left shoulder and began playing a tune. She was very relaxed in her seat, legs apart; again in her jeans shorts. She had left her wrapper in the room as she picked the violin. It took seconds for Philip the recognise the tune she was playing: Celine Dion's My Heart Will Go On. It was very popular in his school days and he did remember some of the words clearly as the theme song for the movie Titanic. He never failed to feel a little dirty when he enjoyed secular songs. It was one of the first things he learnt to nail to the cross when he became a Christian. it was an interesting point of debate among contemporary Christians: "should we listen to secular songs or not?" "What is actually wrong with love songs?" "Can I dance to love songs with my wife?" and on and on.
Philip found Zainab's skill at the violin impressive. Where had she learnt to play like that. He listened for a few more minutes and stopped abruptly in the middle of the song. She then started playing Michael Smith's Breathe. She played the entire song in about ten minutes. All that time Philip simply listened quietly, his attention swaying back and forth between the movie and Zainab. He could not fight the attraction. So many things about Zainab called out to him: her sassiness, her talkativeness, her height, her wit, her culinary skills and now her musical prowess. She could be a lot of fun to live with but for the fact that he wasn't quite sure of her spiritual convictions. His were strong though he had managed to break a lot of rules.
"So..." began Zainab.
"... what do you think?"
"About?". Philip thought it might be nice to play along.
"The songs"
Zainab slipped deliberately and sat on the floor again with her back against the couch. She dropped the violin on the couch and spread out her arms tapping the couch with her fingers. Her legs were still apart. She made a bridge with her right knee and lay the left on the floor. Philip thought about telling her to go and get her wrapper but hesitated. He always tried not to seem offensive or judgemental even at his own peril. it was the phleg in him: get along with everyone.
"Well. You play well"
Zainab laughed hard.
"Is that all? Why can’t you just pass a simple compliment?"
A quick deja vu flashed on Philip's consciousness: A colleague once told him he was sorry for his wife because he seemed to be bereft of the skills required to stir a woman with words. He considered it keeping his emotions to himself, avoiding stirring up emotions. he even had a scripture for it:
"I charge you, O daughters of Jerusalem, by the gazelles, and by the does of the field, do not stir up or awake my Love until He please." Songs of Solomon 2:7
Zainab raised her bridged left leg towards herself and drew back her left arm and dropping it carelessly on her left thigh, caressing a little. With her elbow on the couch, she made a fist and rested her chin on it, staring straight at Philip.
"Say after me, 'Zainab, I love the way you play the violin'". She laid emphasis on the third word. Philip blushed, and she noticed even in the partial darkness. She roared with laughter flinging her left arm back on the couch.
What was Zainab's intention. She has a Muslim name but reads the Bible and claims to be saved. She consistently prompts him for Bible study and prayer yet puts up this strongly flirtatious behaviour every now and then. Was she a believer or not? Was she some agent of Satan sent to pull him down? Or was he himself down already? She moved closer and sat beside him on the floor resting her head on his shoulder. he did not react. "So, do you like Celine Dion?". Philip just chuckled. There was silence for a few minutes. Zainab sat up and started playing again. The Fringe series video had switch to the next episode and caught Philip's attention. He glanced at the TV and turned his attention back to Zainab's solo orchestra. She stopped suddenly.
"You are enjoying it, aren't you?"
Philip did not respond.
"Why are you torturing yourself? Why don't you just be yourself? So, have you sinned now that you listened to this nice song? It's a song! There is nothing wrong with it!"
"Is there anything right with it? Why is it so important that I should enjoy it?"
Zainab let out another round of hysterical laughter.
"I am not asking you to start enjoying it. I know you’re already enjoying and you are trying to resist. That's all. I want you to be free..."
With that she left her violin on the floor and leaned on him again, this time she was more relaxed, she stared at her bridged knee, undulating like a pendulum with her butt as the fulcrum. She had tucked her head under Philip's chin and her hair tickled him.
"Free from what?"
"Free to express yourself my dear! Christianity is not bondage"
The words of Paul, the Apostle lit up Philip's mind:
"No, I keep on disciplining my body, making it serve me so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not somehow be disqualified."
Malcom X in his time spoke of the divergent views Home Slaves and Field Slaves had of their bondage. “Back during slavery,” Malcolm begins, “there were two kinds of slaves. There was the house Negro and the field Negro. The house Negroes — they lived in the house with master, they dressed pretty good, they ate good ’cause they ate his food — what he left. They lived in the attic or the basement, but still they lived near the master; and they loved their master more than the master loved himself. They would give their life to save the master’s house quicker than the master would … Whenever the master said ‘we,’ he said ‘we.’ That’s how you can tell a house Negro.”
...
“And if you came to the house Negro and said, ‘Let’s run away, let’s escape, let’s separate,’ the house Negro would look at you and say, ‘Man, you crazy. What you mean, separate? Where is there a better house than this? Where can I wear better clothes than this? Where can I eat better food than this?’ That was that house Negro. In those days he was called a ‘house nigger.’ And that’s what we call him today, because we’ve still got some house niggers running around here.”
Slavery is experienced in a variety of ways. Some people enjoy their slavery, but it doesn't change their status. Freedom can be interpreted in a number of ways. Freedom can be considered being released from controlling factors - slave masters, habits, drugs, and even our own emotions and human tendencies. Another view of freedom is being released from any kind of restraint. Zainab was referring to the latter kind of free
dom. She wanted Philip to let go of himself, dispose of all restraints and just do whatever he felt like doing. Freedom. Paul spoke of freedom as overcoming his natural inclinations and making his body the slave rather than himself. Zainab considered freedom as allowing the body to rule. One was definitely easier than the other that is why it felt more like freedom. Freedom that comes from surrendering rather than fighting. Is one really free if one does not fight for his freedom? Or has one simply surrendered?
Philip continued, "God created an order in the Universe. We cannot just act the way we want in the name of freedom. Someone can want something and still know within themselves that what they want is the wrong thing!"
"Oyibo!"
"See. Think about a child…"
Zainab sat up and faced him, leaning forward and supporting herself with her left arm. Her sheens now lay on the floor and the sole of her foot face upwards, her toes pointing backwards away from Philip. There was just about a foot and half between them. Philip could hear her breath and could almost feel it.
"I'm listening"
"... if you were a mother frying some plantain, would you give a piece straight from the oil to your little girl just because she asked?"
"Of course!"
"What?"
"When she experiences the heat, she will drop it and learn a lesson!"
"Oh Zainab!"
"Some people have not even experienced anything, and they claim it is bad, it is a sin, it is this it is that... how do you know?"
She stuck her face in his momentarily when she let out the last phrase seemingly challenging him. He was lost.
"What are you talking about?"
"Celine Dion," Zainab snapped, laughing out loud. If Philip did not know better, he would have thought she was drunk. Something was definitely making her a little tipsy. Zainab sprang up and again. She seemed to be going to the washroom but did not say. Philip had some time to evaluate the situation. It had been more than a month and things were getting a little out of hand. He did not know whether to tell her to leave by all means or make a new set of rules about boundaries or call Hassan's attention. It was just all very confusing. He knew what needed to be done but had no power to do it. Where would she go? And why hadn't Hassan called in weeks anyway? Philip had to call him and talk. It was obvious to him that Zainab wanted something more than an innocent stay in the house of a friend's friend, but should he confront her with that directly? He had towed that line with ladies in the past and found it not very pleasant especially with Christian woman. he ended up looking like the one with a depraved mind. 'Renew your mind' they would say, 'Why are you thinking like that?’, 'Are we not brother and sister?'. People lie or attempt to lie to others, but the naked truth hunt them in their souls. Some things can be explained as being OK, but they would still not really feel OK. Zainab living with Philip simply did not feel OK.
Zainab ran into the living room and slid in between his legs startling him out of his thoughts. She sat with her back leaning on his chest. Her loose hair rubbed against his left cheek.
"Did I tell about the time I went to visit a friend in Abuja only to find out she had travelled?"
"Nope"
"When I was serving in Kwara State. Can you imagine what she told me when I called her?"
"Tell me"
"She asked me to call her boyfriend to pick me up!"
"I see"
Bells always went off in Philip's head when certain words were mentioned in conversation. boyfriend, girlfriend, love, sex etc. His definitions of some of the terms were more often than not quite different from the traditional 21st century definitions.
"He took me to his place..."
Philip was now beginning to wonder the purpose of the story.
"I stayed at his place till Sunday evening when my friend came back. And it was just one room with two other boys. And it was fun!"
Zainab giggled.
"I see"
"What do you see?"
"What response were you expecting?"
She giggled again.
"I don't know..." she continued, "I took them like my brothers. We slept together on the same mattress on the floor."
"All four of you?"
"Some people move about a lot when they sleep. Deji kept rolling off the bed! ha ha"
"I see"
"Do you have sisters?"
"Yes..."
"How do you relate with them?"
"Cordially. At least I don't cuddle with them"
Zainab laughed so much she stretched out, ecstatic. She was unbelievably at ease resting her entire weight on Philip. he did not seem to object and she kept going further and further. He had not said stop so she guessed everything was OK so far. She started speaking with that soft version of her voice:
"Philip..."
She hardly called his name directly. He answered, and she paused for a moment.
"Are you a virgin?"
Flashback. A few years before he had answered the same question on the phone with a strange lady he had called. He had picked up the number from page three of a popular soft sell. Her name was Vivian. On the phone he had found out she was a member of The Redemption Centre, a very well-known church in Lagos. She was on the Audio/Visual team in church and that made him wonder what she was doing on page three. She had laughed hysterically when he told her he was a virgin at almost thirty. Why would a Born Again Christian lady find it funny that a single person is a virgin? Well why would a Born Again Christian man be calling a page three girl whom he did not know from Adam? Questions arising....
"Well, as it is, I am not sure?"
"Not sure. Philip have you had sex or not?"
He was surprised she didn't laugh at that one.
"Not exactly"
"Philip!"
He laughed a little himself.
"Well it is not a laughing matter though. I was kind of used when I was about seven. Our house help made me do things I did not understand. Losing my 'virginity' was part of those things. But I am not sure I even had a virginity at seven. What do you think?"
"Seriously?" a smile broke out on her face, temporarily suspending her own emotionally troubling memories, "Did you enjoy it?"
"I am not sure... I think it has even made me recoil at the thought of intercourse. Even in marriage."
Zainab was beginning to think he deliberately avoided the word sex.
"Would you like to experience it again?"
"I am not enthusiastic, actually. What about you?"
"Whether I am enthusiastic about sex?"
"Are you a virgin?"
"Almost!"
"I see"
She laughed.
"I am answering like you now." she started, "I was a virgin till I was twenty-four. I always resisted men. All through university I did not sleep with anyone. Even when I was serving many men wanted me both on and off campus. I wanted to give my husband a good gift, so I resisted..."
She spoke as though she really regretted something that had happened in her past. Philip listened, feeling for her yet a little suspicious. Emotional engagement is a well-known method of trapping people in a variety of scenarios. Social Engineering is based on engaging people emotionally. People have been duped based on pity. In fact, up till then, even Philip's thinking had been muddied because his hormones were working harder than his cerebrum. How else could one explain the personal details he had let out to Zainab, things he had not told even very close family members. She was merely drawing him deeper into this river into which he had already stepped?
She continued, "... until I met him. I told him over and over again I didn't want sex but he took advantage of me in my moment of weakness. I only needed a shoulder to lean on and he took advantage of me. I told him to stop and he would not listen..."
Philip became curious about who this "him" was but felt it wasn't such a good idea to ask right then. He thought he heard her sob. His hands both found their way on top of her belly. He pulled her in closer to himself.
The Reason Why
“What do you mean when you use this proverb concerning the land of Israel, saying: ‘The fathers have eaten sour grapes, And the children’s teeth are set on edge’?” Ezekiel 18:2
Distant relationships were good for Philip's non-committal disposition. It was easier to flirt on Facebook or over the phone than sit with a lady at a bar. It seemed safer, less "sinful" if you wish. No touching, no lookery, just talk. Many young ladies from Philip's day in Nigeria were willing to chat with him for hours. Why wouldn't they be willing to try their luck with a successful, accomplished young man living "abroad". Besides he was born again so that should mean it was safe and maybe he would finally propose. He didn’t take many of them very seriously, he wasn’t really concerned about commitment but simply enjoyed company. He did have a few committed friends, some with whom there were possibilities, others out of reach. Emem, Patricia, Amarachi (Mrs.) and Lara were the top five on the list of women he would call great friends.
He had met Emem only once physically as a possible candidate during a brief visit to New Haven, Enugu. They were both part of a Blackberry Group created for the purpose of helping couples and intending couple thrive. Philip was smuggled in so everyone was looking for a wife in the group for him. Emem was the most talkative young lady Philip had ever met but almost everything she said made a lot of sense. She was extra intelligent though she talks unstoppably when she became engaged. The profuseness of her words did not mar their quality and Philip enjoyed just listening to her on the phone. When they finally met in Enugu months before he moved to Accra, the meeting was so full of blushes that Emem hardly spoke. he was attracted to her and so was she. His perfectionist tendencies hindered his move. he watched her and examined every detail of her body, outfit, expressions, hairdo.... He could have drawn a picture of her after that meeting. She was tall, at least five feet six, a slim size 8 and had high shoulders. The few spots on her face did not mar her skin too badly. He spent four hours with her that evening, but it did not result in a relationship, at least not anything leading to marriage. After that meeting they spoke on the phone or chatted on BBM every day for two weeks non-stop until Philip freaked out. He slowed things down. he was impressed at her response. She did not withdraw or feel wounded like some, she just reduced the frequency of her calls and chatted more. he did more of the calling when he moved.