Certainty (RiffRaff Records Book 7)

by L. P. Maxa

  Your texts about the air in Canada got me thinking about the ventilation system in the basement. I want to try different oxygen levels for different plants, which means we really need to expand.

  I loved my birthday present. A well-worn Clashing Swell concert tee? Perfection. But who wore it? Was it yours? Are you going to think I’m a stupid girl for hoping it was? Speaking of stupid girls, I went on a date last night with a guy who didn’t seem to be intimidated by me. But turned out he wasn’t intimidated by me because he loved himself so much there was no room to think about anyone else. It was awful. And he still tried to make out with me at the end of the night. Boys are dumb.

  Enjoy the waves and congrats on your first tour.

  M.

  Talon + Marley

  Before

  Talon: I got your letter. And what do you mean you want to expand? Where would you go? You can’t build a new building on the property. Even your parents would notice that.

  Marley: Would they tho?

  Talon: Marley.

  Marley: Talon.

  Talon: The bigger your supply gets, the more trouble you can get in.

  Marley: I’m aware how logic works, thank you. And calm down, we’re almost eighteen.

  Talon: You know you and Jett aren’t actual twins, right? He is almost eighteen. Your eighteenth birthday isn’t for another ten months and two weeks.

  Marley: By we, I meant the business, I guess. Once Jett turns eighteen we can switch over all the permits and licensing.

  Talon: Switch it over?

  Marley: You know when my birthday is, like down to the day?

  Talon: Yes, Marley, I know when your eighteenth birthday is. Stop trying to change the subject.

  Marley: Does my eighteenth birthday matter that much to you?

  Talon: You’re deflecting from the real issue.

  Marley: Am I?

  Talon: Your birthday matters, you matter.

  Marley: You matter too.

  Talon: So you went on a shitty date?

  Marley: Yeah, super shitty. He’s in my chemistry class, and he’s smart. So I thought, okay, maybe I can try to be approachable and nice. It worked and he asked me out. I said yes and then I spent the whole night regretting it. He basically tried to maul me in the front seat of his pretentious little BMW. Gross.

  Talon: You should go back to being bitchy and UNapproachable. Stay away from all those high school player types. And also, you should tell me his name so I can track him down and kick his ass for touching you when you didn’t want to be touched.

  Marley: No worries, Jett already took care of it.

  Talon: I was just with Jett. He was in town visiting his brothers. He never mentioned him having to beat the shit out of someone for trying to stick their unwanted tongue down your throat though.

  Marley: Why would he mention something like that? Do you guys sit around and talk about me while you’re waiting on the waves?

  Talon: No.

  Marley: Liar, you’re both obsessed with me. My only two friends.

  Talon: Now who sounds like Jett?

  Marley: Harsh.

  Talon: But true.

  Marley: Jett and I live in our own little world, governed by our own rules. We don’t typically share well with others.

  Talon: Share what? What are you saying? Jett hit that guy because he was jealous?

  Marley: No. Overreact much? I meant, like, information. He’d never run and tell anyone what happened or what he did about it.

  Talon: You have to know people wonder about you two.

  Marley: People, yes, but I didn’t know you still did. Is he going to come up in every conversation we have? Are you jealous of Jett?

  Talon: What? Why would I be? That’s crazy. I was confused by what you meant, that’s all.

  Marley: You’re being weirder than usual tonight.

  Talon: I’ve got to go. I’m meeting up with some friends. Night, M.

  Chapter Six

  Talon

  Before

  I went out with my friends, guys I hadn’t been able to hang with since before Clashing Swell signed with RiffRaff. We went to all the bars we’d been too young to get into once upon a time. We laughed, we drank, and we sang cliché karaoke songs. I got attacked by a pack of drunk girls who recognized me, even though I was wearing a ball cap with my hair hidden underneath. And through it all, Marley was on my mind.

  I overreacted in that text; she was dead right. For a moment, I’d let my feelings toward her rise to the surface. And in that moment, I’d been terrified that she was telling me there was something going on between her and Jett.

  All the high school losers would come and go, that was a given. But if there was ever something physical between her and Jett? It was game over. Their connection was cosmic. It was unlike anything I’d ever witnessed. When he was in Cali, he called her constantly. I’d watch, standing out of sight while he FaceTimed her to show her the ocean or to tell her about the amazing burger he’d eaten.

  He talked about her all the time too. Sometimes I let every word seep into my heart, learning as much about her from him as I could. Like the fact that she didn’t eat red meat, but she loved jalapenos and horror movies.

  And then other times, I tried to tune him out. I didn’t need to learn anything about her, there was no reason for me to know. We were pen pals, long-distance friends at most. I shouldn’t want to know that her favorite color was black or that she hated all country music.

  I flopped down on my bed, opening my cell to read through the texts I’d gotten while I was out.

  Brody: Wyatt pissed in my dad’s mouth tonight while he was changing his diaper. It was epic and I wish I’d gotten it on camera. Want to meet up in the morning and surf with the sunrise?

  I glanced at the clock on my bedside table, groaning when I saw that it was well after midnight. Sunrise surfing would come hella early, but if Brody wanted to get away for a few hours I’d be there for him.

  Talon: Sure, man, I’ll bring the coffee.

  Brody: Score, I’ll bring a little something extra. Just got a shipment from Marley.

  Talon: Number one, why are you awake? Number two, M fucking mailed you a package?

  Was there no end to the danger that girl would put herself in? Did she want to be arrested? My fingers itched to text her, to wake her up so I could lecture her about how reckless she was being. And fucking Brody, letting her do it? What was wrong with him? She was his family. It was his job to look out for her.

  Brody: I’m rocking Wyatt back to sleep. And yeah, what’s the big deal? And also, M? What’s that about? You know how family takes the use of nicknames right…

  Well shit.

  Talon: Shorthand. I’m kind of drunk and texting with one eye open.

  Brody: Okay, fuck nuts. See ya in the morning.

  I sighed, glad that he’d let it go as I scrolled through my other messages. There were a couple late night texts from a few girls I knew in the area. I hadn’t been lying to Marley. I didn’t hook up with groupies. They didn’t do anything for me. I never found one appealing enough to get naked with. But when I was home, I usually found one or two chicks to keep around. It was convenient, but certainly not permanent.

  That’s what I should do right now, right now when the only girl on my mind was the one I couldn’t have. I thumbed through my phone, picking an old tried-and-true favorite and sending a text that was so cliché I wanted to punch myself in the balls.

  Talon: Hey, you up?

  Krissy: Yeah, you in town?

  Ugh. She’d texted back so fucking fast it made me feel a little nauseous. But what was the harm in two consenting adults, right? The harm was I didn’t want to fuck her, at all. I was simply using her as a means to an end.

  I scrubbed my hands down my face, regretting what I’d done immediately.

  Krissy: I’m just leaving the bar, girls’ night out. I’d love to see you, it’s been ages.

  Fuck me running.

  Talon: Yeah,
I’m home. Door’s open. See you soon.

  At that point, I should have put my phone down and waited for my booty call to show up and distract me. Or I should have taken a shower to wash the beer and sweat smell off my body. But did I do either of those things? Not a fucking chance.

  The phone was ringing across the line and pressed against my ear before I even realized what was happening. Pretty par for the course when it came to the classically cool girl who always seemed to be on my mind.

  “Hello?”

  She seemed equal parts surprised and alarmed that I’d called her for the first time ever, especially well after midnight and out of the blue.

  “Hey.”

  “Is everything okay? Are you—”

  “Everything’s fine.” I cleared my throat. “I just got home and I wanted to apologize for my text earlier. I don’t know what came over me, and it was uncalled for.”

  Part truth, part lie. I knew exactly what came over me, but it was uncalled for. As well as inappropriate as all fucking get-out. But I promised her I’d stop playing that card a few weeks ago, and so far I’d stuck to it.

  “It’s fine, people always assume…”

  “Doesn’t make it okay, and I’m sorry.” I sighed, resting my arm over my forehead. “It’s late. I’m sorry if I woke you up.”

  “You didn’t wake me. I’m walking home from the barn.”

  I stayed quiet for a moment, listening to the background noise coming from the other end of the line. The wind was blowing, and I could hear her breath catch a bit with every step through the brush. “By yourself? Where’s Jett?”

  She laughed quietly. “Where do you think?”

  “That kid is going to give Brax a run for his money in the eternal bachelor department.”

  I was pissed that once again Marley was having to work in that barn alone in the middle of the night. Anything could go wrong and I seemed to be the only one who realized that. But I didn’t want to fight with her right now. I wanted to hear her voice. I wanted to stay on the line with her until she was safely tucked into her bed where she should have been hours ago.

  “Nah, Jett will meet a girl one day who won’t make things so easy for him, and then he’ll fall in love like every other male in this family.”

  “You’re right, all those Devil’s Share guys are hopeless romantics. I’m guessing it’s a genetic thing with the Spawn.” Jett was the only one who wasn’t tied down by a girl or the memory of one. All their parents had been happily married for decades. Not particularly hardcore rocker of them, but admirable as fuck. “You almost home?”

  “Almost. I can see my window.”

  I closed my eyes, picturing her long dark hair blowing in the night breeze as she stepped through the tall grass. I wanted to be there with her so bad that my chest started to ache. But she was seventeen, and she couldn’t be mine.

  “You still there?”

  I sighed, opening my eyes and sitting up. “Yeah, I’m here. Sorry.”

  “You’re apologizing an awful lot tonight, Talon, what gives?”

  “Don’t call me on my shit right now, please?” I didn’t think I’d be able to lie so well at the moment. I was feeling things too strongly. I was missing her in a way that I never had before, in a way that I couldn’t even understand.

  “We both know that’s not who I am. What’s going on? You flipped out when you thought things between Jett and me had changed, and now you’re calling me in the middle of the night sounding like a forlorn puppy, apologizing every few minutes.”

  I laughed quietly, hanging my head. “I guess, it’s… I miss you tonight, and I feel so fucking guilty for it.”

  She was quiet for so long that I was almost afraid that I’d freaked her out and she’d hung up on me. She had every right too. She asked for the truth, but that didn’t mean I should have given it to her.

  “I miss you too.” She sighed and I pictured her chest rising and falling with the motion. “All the time though. I miss you all the time. Which is so insane because I’ve never really been around you much, you know?”

  “I know. I know exactly what you mean.”

  “Please don’t feel guilty for missing me. Please don’t regret the things you say to me.” She paused for a moment before continuing. “There is no reason for it. You aren’t crossing any lines here, Talon.”

  I gripped my phone tighter in my hand, my stomach clenching from the words we were sharing, from the sound of her voice. “Fuck, baby, I—”

  “Helllllllooooo? Are you already in bed?” A flirty giggle rang through my condo, making my heart sink down to the floor. “Talon?”

  “I should let you get to your company.”

  The way Marley said company made it sound like fucking poison was dripping off the word. “Wait, M, I didn’t—”

  “No, it’s okay.” She laughed quietly. “It’s more than okay, it’s exactly what I needed to hear.”

  “Marley, wait, please I—”

  “Have a good night, Talon.” The line went dead and I closed my eyes, once again hanging my head.

  Dammit.

  “Sorry, I didn’t realize you were on the phone.”

  I looked up, Krissy standing in the doorway of my bedroom, mostly naked already. This was the way it used to work between us. And I used to like how uncomplicated things were with her. She didn’t ask for more. Hell, I didn’t even think she wanted more. She knew me before I was a rock star so she didn’t give a fuck that I was now famous. We were friends, and fucking her was fun. But at the moment, I wanted her gone.

  I didn’t know if Marley had made it into her house. I didn’t know if she was hurt. I didn’t know if she even had a reason to be hurt. We weren’t dating. We were friends. And friends didn’t get jealous of fuck buddies and random hookups. Except I had, hadn’t I?

  The mere thought of her on a date or her falling for Jett’s charm had sent me reeling, and acting like a complete jackass. I’d told her I’d missed her. I’d called her baby. And I’d been about to say more when Krissy had walked in.

  What the fuck had become of my life?

  M,

  I’ve thought about texting you a hundred times over the last few days. But to be honest, I don’t even know what to fucking say. I’m too old for you. There is no denying that. You told me to stop worrying about stepping over that invisible line. But I shouldn’t miss you, I shouldn’t worry about you the way I do. I shouldn’t feel jealous of the other guys who get your attention. I shouldn’t feel any of the things I feel when it comes to you.

  The girl you heard, she didn’t mean anything to me. And I sent her home right after you hung up on me. I couldn’t bring myself to… Well, I sent her home and that’s all that really matters, I guess.

  I think it would be best if we stick to the letters for a while. I think maybe we were getting too close in a way that isn’t okay. I understand if you don’t want to talk to me at all. I know hearing her come into my house like that didn’t feel good. Especially in the middle of the conversation we were having.

  I’m sorry, M, I’m so fucking sorry.

  T.

  M,

  Okay, so, I guess you really aren’t talking to me right now. I get that, and I deserve it. It’s been three weeks, and it’s weird not knowing what’s going on in your life. I talked to Brody the other day and heard your voice in the background. That was hard. It made me want to call you. But I’m the one who said sticking to letters was safer.

  I tried to not write you again, but every time I sit down to work on a new song, a letter to you comes out instead. You consume me. Brax and Dane are in Hawaii on a surfing trip, but I stayed behind to get some guitar riffs on paper. I’m jealous of their waves though, so I might go out to meet them this weekend.

  Did you know Dane used to be a big wave surfer? He was semi-pro before he destroyed his knee.

  Our first tour as a band was small, and we traveled with all our equipment in a creepy white van. We only played shows in towns on the coast
so we could surf. We ate fast food for every meal and showered in the ocean. It was one of the most fun times in my life.

  Are you having fun? Or are you working all the time, trying to save the world? I hope it’s a mixture of both. I hope you’re happy, and I hope you never think of me. I’m no good for you, and all of this is my fault.

  You deserve the world, Marley.

  T.

  M,

  I’m in Hawaii, and it’s so gorgeous. We wake up and surf with the sunrise every morning, and then at the end of the day we sit on the beach and watch the sun sink back down. I always take a picture and think of texting it to you. But then, I don’t, because I know it’s better this way.

  I hope you’re doing well. I hope you don’t hate me. Although I guess you should hate me. Maybe you should tell me you hate me, then maybe I’ll be able to stop writing you these letters.

  For some reason, I can’t let you go. I can’t let you think that you don’t matter to me. You matter, Marley. Classically cool, and out to save the world. You’re sort of the most perfect creature ever created. I was intrigued from the word go, and I’ve fucked up constantly since then.

  I’ve always been too old for you, but you’ve always been too good for me. Maybe one day we can be friends again? Maybe one day I’ll know how to be the kind of friend you deserve. Until then, just know that I’m thinking of you. And I’m sorry, for everything.

  T.

  M,

  I ended up staying in Hawaii for like six weeks. We surfed and wrote, and played in dive bars, and slept on the beach. Brody came to meet us for a week or so, but he missed Landry and Wyatt too much and ended up going home early. It was nice to be four surf bums who covered old classic rock songs during live mic nights.

  We’re done writing our next album and we head into the studio in a couple of months. Brax, Dane, and I are coming to Austin to record so Brody can stay at home. I understand if you don’t want to see me, and I won’t push. But I am going to be staying at the pool house while we’re in town.