He was as nervous as I was, which actually helped me relax a little.
“Charlotte?” Cameron asked again.
“I’m ready to talk…well, to listen, actually. You’ll talk and I’ll listen…about Lucy…” I trailed off and smacked myself in the head for not being able to form a coherent sentence.
Cameron was silent for a moment. “Now?”
“Um, no. Whenever is good for you. Should I make an appointment to see you in your office?”
I didn’t want to be anywhere public where I might be seen crying or anywhere too relaxed where he might try to make a move. I thought about how he’d tried to kiss me in his office, but I’d just make sure to keep a safe distance between us.
“Yeah…uh…that should be fine. Can I call you back after I’ve had a chance to look over my appointment book?”
“Sure. Talk to you then,” I said before hanging up.
What the hell was that?
I put my phone down and ran my fingers through my hair in frustration. I couldn’t believe I’d acted so stupidly. I’d known Cameron for ten years, had spoken to him on the phone hundreds — if not thousands — of times, and yet when I wanted to appear strong and confident, I came across as a bumbling fool.
A few minutes later my cell rang.
“Hello?” I asked, grinning when I saw Owen’s name flash on the screen.
“We got it?” Owen’s voice ripped through the phone, and I laughed at how excited he sounded.
“Yeah, we can collect the keys next week!” I was feeling as excited as he seemed to be. “Do you want to accept it, or should we continue look in Hartford?”
“Well, I love that house, but to be honest, I don’t know how comfortable I am about us living so close to Cameron. I was okay with it until he said he still loves you… Now I just don’t know if it’s a good idea.”
“I’ve had similar thoughts. That’s why I suggested looking in Hartford in the first place.”
“I hate to just give it up. Why don’t we take the house in Fairfield on a month-to-month lease, if we can, and see how it goes? If Cameron becomes an issue we can look at moving to Hartford.”
I thought about that for a moment. I wasn’t feeling the need to run from Cameron anymore. “I think that’s a great idea. I’ll call the guy back and ask about a month-to-month lease.”
“This is so great,” Owen said. “We’re really settling down. You know, I was thinking…maybe we should start getting some ideas for the wedding.”
“I was thinking the exact same thing! I’ve already enlisted some help in the planning. We’ll be starting next weekend,” I told him proudly.
“Ah, you’re the best! I love you,” he sighed into the phone.
“I love you,” I echoed just before there was a beep from my phone. I looked at the screen. “I have another call. Do you want me to call you back?”
“Nah, I better get back to work.”
“Have a good day,” I said before hanging up and answering the second call. “Hello?”
“Hello again,” Cameron responded, sounding surprised.
“Oh, hey. Sorry I took so long to answer. I was on a call with — I was on another call,” I said.
“No problem. So I was looking at my appointments, and I have all afternoon free on Tuesday next week. Maybe we could have lunch first so we could catch up. Nothing about the past — we’ll just talk about what’s happening now, and then when we’re feeling a bit more comfortable we can talk about the past… What do you think?”
I felt rather uneasy about sitting and chatting with him like we were old friends, but I decided to agree for now. If I changed my mind, I’d simply call and cancel.
“Sounds good. What time should I be there?”
“Why don’t you come by the office at about twelve-thirty, and I’ll order something in?”
“Okay, see you Tuesday,” I told him with a bit of formality in my voice. We weren’t friends, and I wanted him to remember that.
“Have a good weekend.”
“Goodbye,” I said as I hit the end button on my cell. Did I do the right thing?
***
I never could decide for sure if this was the right course of action, but the following Tuesday I found myself walking toward the building with shaking hands. I’d been a nervous wreck all morning, and I considered calling Cameron and canceling the whole meeting. But when Owen had visited over the weekend, he’d encouraged me to just get it over and done with. Once I knew what Cameron had to say, I could move on with the plans for our wedding.
Thinking of Owen, I walked into the building with a new determination. When I stepped through the door into Cameron’s office, his receptionist gave me a polite smile.
“Are you Ms. Barnes?”
“Yes, but please call me Charlotte.”
“Doctor Harper is ready for you. Please go through.” She held her arm out, indicating the waiting room.
I entered the empty waiting room and saw Cameron’s office door standing open. I could see him sitting at his desk, tapping his fingers lightly on the keyboard. He looked so calm — wasn’t he nervous at all? I walked over and knocked to announce my arrival, even though the door was open.
Cameron looked up and smiled. “Come in,” he said, gesturing to one of the chairs in front of his desk.
I took a seat and noticed a delicious smell in the room.
“I ordered Chinese. I hope you don’t mind.” He closed the door and sat in the chair next to mine. I could smell his cologne. It smelled good. Shit! I was in trouble already.
I turned my chair to face him, but also moved it slightly away. The scent of his cologne was much softer in this new position, and I relaxed a little.
“Fried rice?” He held out a box and a pair of chopsticks.
“Thanks.” I put some of the rice on the plate he’d laid out on his desk before picking up another container and adding chicken and vegetables. I grabbed one of the bottles of diet soda he’d provided, smiling when I realized he remembered what I liked to drink.
“This looks great,” I said awkwardly. After that I was at a loss. I was relieved when Cameron started to speak.
“How was your weekend?” he asked casually before scooping rice into his mouth.
“Busy.”
He cocked an eyebrow.
“Owen and I spent the weekend in Hartford picking out furniture for the house we’re moving in to.”
If the news upset him at all, he didn’t show it. He kept his expression neutral and gave me a smile. “That’s great.”
I nodded and took a few bites of my food, but I didn’t enjoy it. Our upcoming conversation was making me anxious. I put the plate down and picked up my soda.
“How are things with you?” I asked.
He sighed and stirred the rice around on his plate. “Dad is really pushing me to sell the house…our house,” he said, looking up at me.
“Do you want to?”
“No…well, maybe.”
“What do you mean?”
“I’ve been thinking about moving my clinic. There just isn’t a large enough pool of people here for me to be as successful as I could be, and there doesn’t seem to be anything holding me here anymore except…” He stopped talking and looked down at his food.
“Except the house?”
He nodded, and I chewed on my lip.
“Why have you kept it so long?”
Cameron jerked his head up, surprised. “You can’t tell?”
“Because of me?” I asked, hoping I was wrong.
His eyes filled with sorrow, and he nodded again. “I’m sorry,” he almost whispered. “I know it was me who wanted to talk to you about everything — to lay it all out — but now I’m finding it really difficult.”
“It’s okay,” I said, resisting the urge to stroke his hand. I knew touching him right now would be counterproductive.
“No, it’s not.” He straightened up, and I could see a definite change in his demeanor. “I’m fine
now.”
He looked down at my plate of half-eaten food and then at his own. “I’m not really hungry,” he said, standing up to dump his plate in the trash.
“Me either,” I agreed, handing him my plate as well.
“Do you want to get started, then?”
I nodded and moved over to the couch on the other side of the room. Cameron watched me cautiously. I patted the couch cushion next to me, and he hesitantly came and sat down. I slid to the far side and leaned on the arm so we weren’t in danger of touching.
“Do you still want to do this? You seem uncomfortable,” I said.
“I think it’s important that we do this.”
“Okay.”
“Do you have questions?” he asked, his posture very rigid.
I sighed. “Cam, I can’t relax if you’re so tense.”
His body slouched a bit, and he ran his hands through his hair. “I’m sorry,” he said, meeting my eyes. “It’s hard for me to admit all the things I did wrong. I know I did them, and I can admit them to myself, but it’s hard to say them to you when I know it’s going to cause you pain.”
“Well, why don’t you let me worry about me? I can look after myself. I promise to let you know if I can’t take any more, okay?”
His face relaxed a little, and he nodded, then narrowed his eyes. “You won’t just get up and run out of here?”
“No!”
“Okay. What’s your first question about Lucy?”
My mind was racing with all the questions I wanted to ask, but I didn’t know if I really wanted the answers to any of them. I looked down at the hem of my denim skirt, picking at a frayed edge.
“When did it start?”
“You told me the other night that you knew when things started to go wrong between us,” Cameron said thoughtfully. “Well, my involvement with Lucy initially started about five months after your mother moved away.”
I gasped. I’d assumed he’d been seeing Lucy for much longer than three months.
“When exactly did it start?” I wasn’t sure why, but now that I had the option of learning the details, I was eager to know everything. I’d gotten the length of the affair wrong — what else was I wrong about?
“Well, I told you about running into her at the harbor that night,” Cam said, looking at the floor. “But I guess when I first started talking to her… Do you remember — before that — when we all went to Hartford and ended up in that nightclub?”
I recalled a night, the September before I left, when Cameron and I had an argument before we went out — about something I couldn’t remember now. We’d gone to dinner with his family and ended up dancing at a club. I also recalled Cameron sitting in the corner sulking most of the night while everyone else danced.
“I remember.”
“While you, Bonnie, and Sarah were dancing, Lucy approached me and…” He stopped talking and ran his hands over his face. “This is hard for me to say to you. Sorry.”
“It’s hard for me to hear,” I said, returning his weak smile. “Go on.” I could feel my heart pounding as I waited for him to start speaking again.
“She asked me if I was okay. I told her we were just going through some things, and she asked if I wanted to talk about it. We left the club and walked around talking for over an hour, and when I got back you were still dancing — as if you hadn’t even noticed I was gone…” he trailed off and stared at me, waiting for my response.
A hard lump formed in my throat, and I tried to swallow it down as best I could. It was true that I hadn’t known he was gone for an hour. How could I have cared so little about my husband? And it disgusted me that my so-called best friend had taken advantage of the situation.
“I’m sorry,” Cameron whispered.
“Go on,” I choked out. I knew he mistook my pain for something he’d caused, but I didn’t have to words to tell him I was upset with myself. I closed my eyes as he continued to speak.
“You’d been so distant, and I hoped that if we got out and had some fun like we used to, it would make us close again. I just wanted us to be like we were before, but you pushed me away again. It hurt even more when I saw that you appeared to be acting perfectly normal with Sarah and Bonnie. I watched you dancing with them — smiling and laughing — and I assumed the distance between us wasn’t about your mother after all…but just that you weren’t in love with me anymore.”
The lump in my throat sank into my stomach, and I started to feel a little sick. For so long I’d thought only about my own pain. What Cameron had been feeling was something new to me…and it was hard to hear.
“What are you thinking?” he asked.
I wiped a few stray tears from my face before looking into his eyes. I felt awful that I’d ever made him feel neglected and unloved.
“I’m sorry,” I said with a sniffle.
“You have nothing to be sorry for!” He reached across and rubbed my leg. I leaned away from his touch, and he moved his hand back to his lap.
“I’m sorry I’m not handling this better. I don’t want to cry.” I breathed for a moment. “I’m fine. Was there anything else?”
He shook his head. “I’m sorry,” he said for the millionth time that day. His apologies were starting to annoy me. “Are you all right?”
I pushed my shoulders back and nodded. But I kept my mouth clamped shut because I knew if I tried to speak I’d either burst out crying or scream at him, and I didn’t want to do either.
“For days after that I was really confused. It felt good to have someone I could confide in, but it also felt wrong to be talking to someone else behind your back,” he continued. “Over and over I tried to tell you, but every time I’d get up the courage to start a conversation, you’d tell me you needed to be alone or you were dealing with too much to listen. I understood that — I really did — but it just reinforced my feeling that you didn’t want me anymore.”
My deep breathing was not keeping me as calm as I’d hoped as I allowed Cameron’s words to settle in. Was it betraying Owen to still feel so strongly about all this?
I noticed Cameron opening his mouth a few times, as if he were going to start speaking, but he never said a word. I knew I had to pull myself together or we’d just sit there in silence all day. So I mentally gave myself a slap.
“Okay.” I took a deep breath and noticed my voice wasn’t shaking as much. “How long did it go on?”
Cameron leaned back on the couch and rested his head against the top, covering his face with his fingers. I heard him exhale before he moved his hands down to tap nervously on his thighs.
“After that night in Hartford, I was always on edge whenever Lucy came over. It was like we had a secret from you, and it didn’t feel right. That thought plagued me, and one night I went down to the harbor to think. But instead of clearing my head, I just got pulled in further because she was there.”
I nodded.
“Well, after that, we’d meet every few days to talk. It felt so good to have someone to share my thoughts with, someone I could talk to about my concerns for you and my loneliness, and someone who needed something back from me. She made me feel wanted, needed, and cared for, and I started to look forward to our time together. Over the weeks I started to feel closer to her, and at some point I did believe I loved her.”
I cleared my throat. I didn’t mean to interrupt him, but it was a reaction I couldn’t control.
“I was wrong about that,” he continued. “But I didn’t know until later on. Not long before Christmas, she told me she loved me and, without even really thinking, I told her I loved her too. I felt so guilty for that, but part of me honestly believed I could love her. I knew it wasn’t the same as the way I loved you — I’ll never love anyone the way I love you — but it was a type of love all the same.”
I gasped again, not from shock this time, but from understanding. What he described was exactly the same as the thoughts I’d had the previous week while trying to justify my feelings for both Owen an
d Cameron. While I absolutely could not condone his feelings for Lucy, I found myself softening to his dilemma because I was going through the same thing.
“By that point, I was so disgusted with myself, and I was trying so hard to hide it from you. I usually deleted any trace of contact with her from my home life, so when you showed me that text message on my phone…” He paused and looked at me. “I was so angry with myself for being careless, but it was also a huge relief to have it out in the open. Now you could punish me the way I deserved — you could hurt me and yell at me, and then we could work through it. I wasn’t at all prepared for you to walk away without a word. That just confirmed that you didn’t care. If you could walk away so easily, you must not have loved me, just as I feared.”
“It wasn’t at all easy for me to walk away from you…from us,” I interrupted harshly. “It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.”
Cameron watched me sadly. “Watching you drive out of that grocery store parking lot after you saw me with Lucy was the hardest thing I’ve ever lived through.”
“You didn’t answer my question…how long did it last?” I reminded him, refocusing the conversation to avoid a pity exchange.
“Right, sorry. After you left, things changed. I was so angry with myself — repulsed by my actions. But I started seeing Lucy more. I tried to convince myself what I felt for her must be real…it had to be real or else I’d ruined our relationship for nothing.”
“So…you had a relationship with her to prove to yourself that you’d made the right choices?”
“I don’t know. At the time it made sense, but looking back I can see how ridiculous it was. I wanted to make it work with her — I really did — but after you left I lost my reason for everything. I was like a zombie, going through the motions of a relationship with her, but without any emotion. I just completely shut down.”
“Did you have sex with her?” I braced for the answer before the question even left my mouth.
“I fucked her,” he clarified. “It was just sex. The physical release was there, but it was just that — a release. No gratification or emotional enjoyment.”
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