Revulsion hit me like a brick wall, and I slid back as far from him as I could without falling off the couch.
I must have had a horrified look on my face because he paused and backpedaled a little. “I never hurt her or anything! I was just completely detached emotionally.”
I tried to pull myself back together. “And how long did that go on?” I asked, my nausea increasing. I’d spent that month hiding from the world, trying to put my broken heart back together, and he’d been having regular sex.
“Until that day at the grocery store. Lucy was fed up with coming to the house and not having any food to eat, so she demanded we get some groceries. I didn’t care whether I was eating or not at that point, but I went along, grudgingly. As I’m sure you remember, I called you constantly during that time, but you never answered your phone. I even went to your dad’s house a few times, but he never let me in, and one time he threatened to arrest me for trespassing, so I stopped coming. When I saw you in the grocery store, I was so happy. I felt some hope for the first time in months.”
He took a breath, and I fiddled with the frayed edge of my skirt as I imagined Lucy making herself at home in my house…in my bed.
“I was horrified when I realized you saw Lucy kiss me, and I knew I had to act fast to talk to you before you left my life forever. I tried to get you to listen, but you were so angry. I was actually relieved that you were angry. If you hadn’t cared about me anymore, you wouldn’t have had such a strong reaction. So when I saw how furious you were, I knew there was still love in your heart, and that made me feel good — even if I was still feeling wretched for what I did to you.”
I nodded, remembering the day clearly.
“Even though you drove away from me, I was left with a sense of hope that you still cared about me. If you still loved me, there was a chance for us. I held on to that for a long time. After you left, Lucy approached me, furious that I’d left her in the store to come running after you. She started yelling, but I felt so rejuvenated at the thought that you must still love me… My interest in her completely fell apart, and I broke things off with her for good about two weeks later. I’ve barely spoken to her since,” he said, running his fingers through his hair and sending it in all different directions.
“It was all so selfish. Everything was for your own needs… You treated her terribly.”
Cameron gave me a guilty look and nodded. “I used Lucy to give me what I wasn’t getting from you, and then I used her to try to make myself feel better. I do feel guilty about that, but on the other hand, I couldn’t care less about her feelings — it was hurting you that affected me. It’s only your feelings I care about,” he said, sounding a little petulant.
I looked at Cameron and realized he wasn’t the man I thought he was. I’d never thought my Cameron was selfish or would use another person for his own reasons. Right now he was like a stranger to me.
“It was that day that I realized I wasn’t good enough for you,” he said, almost mirroring my thoughts. “I hadn’t been patient, hadn’t waited for you and had faith in our love when you needed me to do that the most. That made me take a long, hard look at myself. I knew I’d have to become a person you could be proud to be with, who was worthy of your love. That’s why I didn’t pursue you for a long time, and when I was ready and believed I could be a person worthy of you, I came to see you, but you were gone.”
“You looked for me?” I always assumed Cameron didn’t care.
“Yes. The details aren’t important, but I did try.”
I wondered why he didn’t want to tell me more, but I didn’t push. I’d already learned so much that my brain was on overload.
“I am a good man now,” he said, looking at me through his long lashes.
I nodded but didn’t say anything. I wanted to believe he was a good man, that I hadn’t married someone capable of doing the things he’d done. Maybe the last five years had changed him — I just wasn’t sure.
He smiled and looked into my eyes. “I can be what you need now.”
I shifted in my seat. Cameron’s gaze never left mine, and the intimacy of his stare combined with his words made me extremely uncomfortable. I could avoid his flirting and innuendo, but a direct question would be difficult to evade. I hoped he’d never ask me to come back to him. I decided to lay out my position out so it was clear. Yes, it was true he hadn’t technically cheated, but did that even matter anymore? Regardless of the past, I was with Owen now, and I was happy.
“Cameron…” I said slowly.
“I like it better off,” he said with a small smile.
“Huh?”
He pointed to my hand. “I like it better off,” he repeated.
I looked down to where he was pointing and saw I’d been sliding my engagement ring on and off my finger. I stared down at the diamond Owen gave me and placed it back in position.
“This is where it belongs.”
The smile left Cameron’s face, and his knee began to bounce as he rubbed his hands up and down his thighs nervously.
“All I can offer you is friendship,” I said. I tried to say it nicely, with a soft tone and a half-smile, but the grimace on Cameron’s face told me my words hurt him.
“I know,” he said. “I just wanted you to know you have options.”
I nodded and stood up. “I should go.”
“No! Please stay!” he blurted. Then, after a moment, he sighed. “I’d rather have your friendship than nothing at all.”
I doubted whether friendship was truly possible for us, but he looked so hopeful, and I did like the idea of having him in my life.
Although I felt better knowing the details of his relationship with Lucy, I still hadn’t processed everything. It was a relief to confirm that there’d been no true affair, but he had slept with her after I moved out. Was I okay with that? Could I accept it? I didn’t know.
I tried to think of something to say to lighten the mood before I left. I glanced at him and again noticed the hint of wrinkles around his eyes. They reminded me how much of each other’s lives we’d missed.
“I can’t believe how old you are!” I said suddenly.
“Excuse me?” he asked with a chuckle.
I laughed while trying to cover my tracks. “I mean, how old we both are. When I’m around you I feel like I’m still twenty-two years old. And then I look at you now and…my God, Cameron, you’re thirty!”
“And you’re twenty-eight,” he said with a shrug. He obviously wasn’t seeing what I found so astonishing.
“When we met I was only eighteen. We were just children then. We’re getting older, I forget that,” I said, and he smiled. “Can I give you some friendly advice?”
“Of course.”
“Sell the house.”
He studied my face for a moment, and I gave him a smile.
“It’s holding you back, keeping you stuck. I think it would be good for you,” I said.
He nodded sadly. “I’ll think about it.”
Suddenly his head popped up. “Do you want to see it again?” he asked.
I nodded. “Sometime.”
I was curious about the house. Peeking through the window had been almost surreal. I needed to say goodbye to that house properly — and goodbye to the person I was when I lived there.
“Why not right now?” he asked, walking across the room to his desk.
“Don’t you have work to do?”
“It’s almost the end of the day, and I had the whole afternoon blocked out for your visit, so I can take off a little early.” Then he used the intercom to tell his receptionist she could pack up and head home.
I looked at my watch in surprise. We’d been talking for almost three hours.
“Ah, sure. Okay,” I said, mostly because I couldn’t think of a reason to say no. I’d just get all of the past out of the way in one day.
***
A short time later I pulled up in the driveway behind Cameron. I waited for him to get out and open the f
ront door before I came to follow him inside. I needed the extra time to prepare myself. I took in every detail as I stepped through the door and allowed my eyes to get accustomed to the indoor light.
Cameron kicked off his shoes and stood by the couch, watching me as I slowly made my way around the room, touching things softly and smiling to myself.
“It looks just the same.” I turned to face him, inhaling deeply and allowing the smells to take me back to the time when this was my home.
He shrugged. “Yeah, I never really changed anything. I like it how it is.”
“Can I?” I asked as I pointed down the hallway toward the bedrooms.
“Sure,” he replied, standing to walk down the hall with me.
My hand hesitated over the bedroom door handle before turning it and pushing the door open. The blinds were all drawn, so I could only make out shapes. Cameron’s hand slipped past me and switched on the light, brightening the room.
It was a little different than I remembered, but still familiar. The bed was in the same position, but the bedspread was different. There was now a large flat-screen TV on the wall opposite the bed, and the bookcase that had once been filled with dentistry text books now held novels of all shapes and sizes.
I let out a long breath and stepped into the room hesitantly. My gaze moved to the walk-in closet, and I opened the door and stepped inside. Cameron’s clothes were all still on one side and the other side — my side — was empty, apart from a few storage boxes stacked against the wall.
I could feel him standing behind me, his warm breath on the back of my neck, and I remembered being in this same position on Christmas Day, five years ago, when he pressed me against that wall and kissed me. I stared at the wall as if to bring the memory to life, but then shook it off and pushed past Cameron so I could get out of the closet. I suddenly felt suffocated.
Standing in the bedroom again, I saw something on the bedside table glint in the light. I walked over and picked up two gold rings: my engagement and wedding bands.
“You still have these?”
Cameron gave me a sheepish look and grabbed them from my hand, shoving them in his pocket.
“Sorry. I look at them sometimes,” he mumbled.
You keep them by your bed? I let it drop. He looked embarrassed, and I didn’t want to make him feel any worse.
I turned to look at my old bed, the wrought-iron frame so familiar. A smile spread on my lips as I remembered how much I’d loved that bed, until an unwelcome thought entered my mind: I wasn’t the last woman to sleep there.
“Would you like a drink or something to eat?” Cameron asked, unaware of my thoughts. I followed him out of the bedroom and through the large archway into the kitchen.
“No, thanks. I should be going. Dad will be getting home from work soon, and I need to start on dinner,” I said, still thinking about Lucy in my bed.
Why had he kept those rings all these years? I knew I shouldn’t be surprised. He’d kept the house and had our wedding picture up in his office, so it wasn’t out of character. But there was something more personal about the rings.
“Oh, right, well…we don’t want to keep him waiting.”
I smiled at him. He was trying to make this friendship work, but I knew it was hard for him. And it was just as hard for me.
“Are we okay?” he asked, looking solemn for a moment. “About all the Lucy stuff?”
I thought about his question. Was I okay with the fact that he’d gotten involved with Lucy? No. Was I okay with our conversation today? I thought so. “We’ll be fine,” I told him with an encouraging smile.
Cameron followed me out and waved as I drove off down the street.
I wasn’t sure how Owen was going to feel about it, but I felt like I owed it to myself, to my younger self, to give it a try. I was going to be friends with Cameron.
Chapter Eleven
Turning the Tables
“Should I put these boxes in the bedroom?” Owen called loudly.
I stuck my head around the doorway to see which ones he was holding. “Yeah, just put them in the closet, and I’ll unpack them when I’m done in the kitchen,” I called before going back to organizing the pots and pans.
“I think this is the last of it, Char,” Dad said, placing a large box on the counter.
“Thanks for helping, Dad. We really appreciate it. You should come over for dinner tomorrow night, and we’ll celebrate.”
“Sounds good, kiddo,” he said with a smile.
“Why don’t we wait until the weekend and make it a housewarming party?” Owen added. “I might invite some of the guys from work.” He’d arrived from Boston the day before, just in time for our move, and he’d start work in Hartford the following week. I was so relieved to have him here all the time — and in our own place!
“Yeah, sounds good.” I buried my head in the cabinet to put the last few things in place.
“I don’t know — Hartford boys?” Dad joked. “We’d better have some Fairfield guys too.”
Owen punched him in the arm and opened the fridge. “Sure.” He handed Dad a beer and got one for himself.
“Think we can get it organized for this weekend?” Owen asked.
I nodded, and Dad charged full steam ahead.
“I’ll call all the boys tonight and set it up,” he said. “You just get the food.”
Owen came over and kissed the top of my head, offering me a sip of his beer. I took the bottle from him and swallowed a mouthful before giving it back.
“This is a great house,” Dad said, taking a long drink from his bottle.
“Yeah, I think we’ll be happy here,” I said.
Owen slipped his arms around my waist and kissed my cheek. I felt a little uncomfortable in front of my father, but Dad’s smile made me realize he was happy. I smiled back and leaned back into Owen’s chest.
“I’m exhausted, so I might leave you kids to it,” Dad said, placing his beer on the counter.
“Are you sure? We’re gonna order some pizza,” Owen said, releasing me to pull his cell phone out of his pocket.
“Nah, you relax and get used to your new place,” he replied, giving me a hug. “’Night, Char.”
“Thanks for all your help today,” I said, hugging him back.
“Thanks, Michael,” Owen called as I walked Dad down the hallway and out into the yard.
“I’m glad you’re going to be around for a while,” Dad said when we reached his car.
“And only around the corner!”
“That’s even better.”
“Thanks again, Dad. Today would have been much harder without your help.”
“Let me know if you need anything else.”
After I watched him drive away, I turned and smiled at the house. It was great to finally have a place that was mine and Owen’s. Since my conversation with Cameron at his office, everything was going really smoothly. Owen seemed okay with the idea of Cameron and me being friends, as long as we didn’t hang out together alone, and that seemed like a good compromise.
I hadn’t seen Cameron since I left his house, but Bonnie had told me yesterday that he seemed happier than she’d seen him in a long time. I took comfort in that. I hoped he felt better because he’d gotten everything off his chest. He’d been carrying it around for so long. Surely he felt freer now.
I walked back through the front door looking for Owen, and I screamed when he picked me up and ran down the hall with me over his shoulder.
“We have half an hour before the pizza will be here,” he said, laughing and running to the bedroom, slamming the door closed behind us. The sex ban was officially over.
***
I looked in the shopping cart and raised my eyebrows at Owen.
“What’s all that?”
“We need everything!” he replied.
“Really? We need…” I counted the items in the cart. “Fourteen bags of potato chips?”
“Cops eat a lot,” he chuckled. “I want people to
have fun at our party, and fun means plenty of food.”
“I agree we need to have enough food, but this is ridiculous!” I exclaimed as I pulled bags of chips out of the cart and placed them back on the shelf. “We’ll keep six bags.”
“Okay, six bags, but then can we also get pretzels?”
I laughed and nodded as he selected several bags. I loved how simple things were with Owen. He was easygoing and carefree, and I felt the same when I was around him. This was how I wanted to feel all the time.
“Charlotte, is this the replacement?” I heard from behind me. I turned and saw Lucy heading down the aisle with a menacingly fake smile plastered on her face.
I sighed and grabbed Owen’s arm to steer him away, but Lucy wasn’t having any of that.
“Hi,” she called out to Owen. “I’m Lucy, a friend of Charlotte’s from high school.”
“Nice to meet you,” Owen said cautiously.
“You’re being a little rude, Charlotte,” Lucy whispered.
“Owen, this is Lucy, my ex-best friend. Lucy, this is my fiancé, Owen,” I said stiffly, looking around to see if anyone was watching.
Living in a small town had many perks, but the fact that everyone knew everyone’s business was a drawback. The last thing I needed was gossip about Lucy and me getting around town, so I’d be polite, but get away as quickly as I could.
Owen gave me a curious look, and I nodded. I’d told him all about Lucy.
“Lucy,” Owen said, looking her up and down with a sneer. “Char, don’t we have to be somewhere?”
I gave him a smile and nodded. I was so grateful he was trying to help.
“Are you having a party?” Lucy asked innocently.
“Excuse me?” I asked.
“Oh, all the pretzels and stuff — unless, is that what you normally eat?”
“We just got our own place, and we’re having a housewarming party,” Owen said defensively, wrapping his arm around me tightly. I knew he was trying to be civil and defend my eating habits, but I groaned internally because I knew what was coming.
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