“I just don’t think you’re done with him.” Owen shook his head. “He’s all around you, all the time. Before we moved back, I could tell there was something in your past you needed to reconcile. But since we’ve been here, I’ve felt the distance growing between us as you reconnected with your old life — with Cameron. And now that he’s gone…it’s like you’re gone too.”
“I’m done with him. He left!”
“And if he was here?”
I opened my mouth to speak, but I hesitated a second too long. He nodded sadly and shoved his clothes into his suitcase.
“I picked you, and I would again — even if he was here now,” I said firmly, taking a few steps toward him.
“Okay, then tell me you’re not in love with him,” Owen said, turning around to face me again.
“Owen, what I had with Cameron is over and — ”
“Tell me you don’t love him,” he repeated, cutting me off.
I shook my head slowly and sat down on the bed. I couldn’t say I didn’t love Cameron because I did, and I always would. I started to cry and covered my face with my hands.
I felt the bed sink and Owen’s arm slide around me as he pulled my head to rest on his shoulder.
“Hush. Don’t cry. It’s understandable that you still love him. You can’t help that there are feelings there.”
I nodded and wiped my eyes with the back of my hand.
“I’m sorry if I pushed you into a relationship you weren’t ready for,” he whispered. “I could tell you hadn’t moved past your previous relationship, but I was just so in love with you. I wanted to make you mine.”
“I am yours.”
“No, you’re not. A part of you wants to be, but you still belong to him. I can feel it. He’s in your heart.”
I wanted to tell him he was wrong, but that was exactly how I felt.
“I’m the safe option for you, Charlotte. I’m the guy you can depend on, who’ll never hurt you.”
I nodded.
“But I don’t want to be that,” he explained. “I want you to feel passion for me. I need you to be consumed with me…like I am with you.”
As much as I wanted to deny it all and profess my undying love for him, I couldn’t. I did love him, but not the way he needed and deserved.
“I can’t handle being your second choice. I can’t be your rebound. I deserve more than that. I deserve someone who loves me as much as I love you.”
I nodded and continued to cry, knowing this was the end. My relationship with Owen was over.
He was silent, rubbing my back soothingly while I cried. I didn’t want him to leave, but he was right, he did deserve someone who would love him passionately — without the ex-husband baggage.
“I…I need you to know…I want to want you like that,” I choked out.
“I know you do, sweetheart.”
“You have no idea how badly I want that,” I cried.
I cupped my hands to either side of his face, looking into his big blue eyes. I wrapped my arms around his shoulders just as my eyes closed and our lips touched.
The kiss started gently, our lips moving in tandem as his arms tightened around me. His tongue moved into my mouth, intensifying our kiss, and I sucked on it before gently biting his bottom lip. He moaned softly, and his hands moved into my hair, keeping me tight against his body.
We put everything we had into that kiss, knowing it would be our last. When I finally pulled my lips away, I whispered, “I love you.”
He smiled sweetly at me. “Love you more,” he replied.
Now I knew he was right.
I looked down at the diamond ring on my finger and sighed sadly. I held my hand out to him with my fingers outstretched. He hesitated only a moment before gently grasping my palm in one hand and sliding the engagement ring off my finger with the other.
We were over.
***
“What do you want to do for Christmas?” Dad asked with just a few weeks to go before the holiday.
“Nothing,” I said, pushing food around on my plate.
“We have to do something. It’s Christmas!”
“I’m not a huge fan of Christmas.”
“Please, Char?”
I sighed. “I just don’t have anything to celebrate.”
“What are you talking about?” Dad asked. “You are loved and wanted and a good person.”
“You’ve always been there for me, Daddy,” I said softly, taking his hand and squeezing. “Thank you. It’s just…”
“I know you’re feeling bad about Owen, but you told me yourself it was for the best.”
“It is for the best. But my marriage was a failure, Cameron didn’t want me, and then Owen left…it’s just a lot to take.”
“Cameron wanted you,” Dad said, taking a long sip of his beer.
“He cheated on me,” I said, exasperated. “Maybe not technically, but he chose Lucy over me.”
Dad cleared his throat.
“What?”
“After you moved back in with me he came to the house a few times, but I wouldn’t let him in. He begged me, saying he needed to talk to you, to explain, but I told him if you didn’t answer his calls, you didn’t want to talk to him. And then after you left…”
“What? What happened after I left?” I sat down next to him at the table, coaxing him to continue.
“Well, about two months after you left, he came by the house again.”
I ate up his words eagerly. Having both of the men in my life walk out at nearly the same time had been a major blow to my self-esteem. Dad’s story was like music to my ears.
“He asked me to tell him where’d you’d moved, and when I refused…well, I’ve never seen a more broken man, Char. He was destroyed. I kinda felt bad for the kid,” Dad said with a chuckle.
“Will you tell me about it?”
“I didn’t really want to speak with him too much. My main concern was for you… But all I know is I’ve never seen a man look more devastated. I heard around town that he was searching for you, but I never spoke to him to get the details.”
So Cameron had tried to find me. I expected to find that comforting, but all it did was reinforce the fact that he’d now let me go. He’d been willing to fight for me then, but now he’d moved on.
“When I took the divorce papers around to his house for him to sign — it wasn’t good. The house was dark, and he was unshaven and skinnier than I’d ever seen him — not to mention the huge bags under his eyes. Didn’t look like the kid had slept in weeks. I’ll never forget it,” Dad said, shaking his head.
I wondered how I looked right now. I turned toward the mirror inside the china hutch. My hair hung limply around my shoulders, and my skin was sallow and pale. I had bags under my eyes and frown lines around my lips.
I looked away from my reflection and saw my dad’s face — the concern and pain behind his eyes. Suddenly I felt terrible for causing him worry. I didn’t want to be sad. I didn’t want to cry myself to sleep every night and be unsure who I felt worse about losing. It was such a strange sensation to feel abandoned yet not know who I was craving.
That thought frightened me. I had to pull myself out of this. I’d gotten through worse before. I’d lived through losing my mother and my husband, and I was strong enough to get through losing Owen.
I thought about who I was and the person I hoped to become. I’d lived with a broken heart for more than five years, and I’d started to identify with that pain. I just assumed it would always be part of me. But I didn’t want to be that person anymore. I wanted to start my life fresh — starting with reclaiming Christmas.
“Okay, Dad, we’ll do dinner, but nothing big. Just you and me and a turkey. How does that sound?”
“Perfect,” Dad said, smiling.
I spent the next few weeks planning the menu and shopping for the perfect gift for Dad. I also spent some time on the Internet, hoping to shore up some ideas I had about starting fresh.
***
“You’re a great cook, Char,” Dad said, finishing off his Christmas turkey. “I’m so glad we did this.”
“Thanks, Dad,” I said just as there was a knock on the door.
“Did you invite someone?” I asked suspiciously.
“No.”
As soon as I opened the door, I was wrapped in a huge hug, and I could hear Bonnie squealing.
“You’re leaving town?” she yelled.
Ryan released me from his grasp, and I saw Bonnie, Sarah, and Alex gathered on the doorstep. It was snowing lightly and the air was freezing, so I quickly ushered them into the house.
“Yes, I’m moving,” I told Bonnie. I wondered how she knew I was going, but Fairfield was a small town, and secrets didn’t stay hidden for long.
I led the girls into the dining room and found Ryan sitting with Dad, drinking a beer.
“Just wait till after New Years! You have to spend it with us!” Bonnie begged.
“Just a few more weeks,” Sarah agreed. “The baby is due in February, and I’d love for you to be here.”
I laughed. “If I listen to you two, there’ll always be a reason for me to stay. I’ll never go.”
“Exactly!” Bonnie cheered.
“I’m going. I have to figure out who Charlotte Barnes is.”
“That’s deep!” Ryan called from across the room, holding his beer bottle up in salute.
Sarah rolled her eyes. “Promise you’ll come home when I have the baby?”
“Of course. New York City is less than two hours away.”
“Humph!” Bonnie groaned, folding her arms across her chest. “I suppose I could place a call to my head office and see if I can get you some work in the city.”
Alex smiled and angled his head toward the kitchen.
“You took my advice,” he said after I’d followed him out of the room.
I thought for a moment and frowned. “Well, it didn’t work very well. I listened to my heart like you said and chose to stay with Owen. Then he left me.”
“Owen wasn’t what your heart wanted.”
I looked at him quizzically. Slowly it dawned on me that my happiness wasn’t about anyone else, and I smiled. “I can’t depend on anyone else to make me happy. I have to learn how to do it myself.”
Alex nodded and gave me a hug. “Merry Christmas.”
“Merry Christmas.”
All this time, I’d thought I had to choose one of the men in my life. But it was me who wasn’t fitting, not them. I’d gone from being my parents’ daughter to Cameron’s wife to Owen’s fiancée without any time to get to know myself in between. Sure, I was single for two years between Cameron and Owen, but I was hurting so much that I didn’t take the time to really look at myself. How was I supposed to know what I wanted from life when I didn’t even know who I was? No wonder I was so conflicted.
I knew this wasn’t going to be an easy road, but I was motivated to start the journey. This was the first Christmas in six years that I hadn’t felt like I had a gaping hole in my chest. Wherever they were, I hoped Cameron and Owen were having a merry Christmas too.
***
I looked at the nearly empty bookcase and smiled. It was mine. I’d never really had anything that was mine before. The apartment I’d rented when I first moved to Boston had come fully furnished, and other than that, I’d always shared things with Cameron or Owen. But now, this whole apartment and everything in it was mine.
I was fortunate to have found a community college that could fit me into their mid-year enrollment, and I was excited about my education classes.
I’d also managed to find a studio apartment only a few blocks from campus. It was tiny, but it was clean, and Bonnie had pulled a few strings with her boss back in Fairfield and gotten me a part-time job with the head office of her accounting firm. Being a file clerk wasn’t exciting work, but they were being flexible with my hours so I could attend classes, and I needed the money. It was a fresh start, and I was in New York City: the city of possibilities.
I looked at the bookcase again and nodded in satisfaction. It held only the few textbooks I’d bought earlier in the day, but I promised myself I’d buy one book a week. By the end of the year I’d have a full bookcase.
A loud ringing made me jump, and it took me a second to realize it was my phone. I’d just had the line installed, and the only people who had my number were Dad and Bonnie. Dad had called about an hour ago to wish me Happy New Year before he headed to work.
“Hello, Bonnie,” I said with a smile.
“I have a surprise for you!” she squealed into the phone.
The door buzzer sounded, echoing around the apartment. “Are you here?”
I ran over and pressed the intercom with a huge smile on my face, but felt instantly disappointed when a male voice said, “Delivery from The Golden Palace.”
“Hang on a second, Bonnie. My Chinese food just arrived.” I pressed the button to open the door downstairs and got my purse.
After I’d paid for the food and closed the door, I returned to the phone and sat on my new couch.
“Tell me you’re not sitting home by yourself tonight,” Bonnie said.
“Okay, I’m not,” I said with a laugh.
“Liar.”
“I have Chinese food, and I’m going to watch the ball drop on television. I’ll be fine,” I promised. “So what’s my surprise?”
“Alex and I are coming to New York in three weeks for a concert!”
“That’s great!”
I’d wondered if it would be hard for me to remain friends with Cameron’s family, but it felt really natural. Bonnie and I had a silent understanding that neither of us would bring him up, and it worked. It didn’t stop me from thinking about him every single day, but it helped.
“Okay, well, I just wanted to tell you, and try out your new phone number, and wish you a Happy New Year,” she said, sounding a bit sad. “Oh, how is your new apartment?”
“I really love it,” I said with a smile as I looked around.
“You’ve only been there two days! You can’t love it already!”
“Well, I do.” I couldn’t explain it, but I knew my new life was going to be wonderful.
“Oh — Alex is ready to go. We’re going to a party. Have a good night, and we’ll see you soon. Happy New Year!” Bonnie said before hanging up.
I placed the handset on the coffee table and picked up some chopsticks. I ate a heap of honey-soy noodles and flicked through the television channels until I found the live broadcast from Times Square. It was exciting to know what I was watching on television was happening only a few dozen blocks away. I’d considered going to watch the ball drop live, but decided I really wanted to spend the night at home. I was optimistic I’d do it next year with a big group of new friends.
I ate as much food as I could and carried the leftovers to the kitchen to put away in the fridge. Even though I was alone, this was the best New Years Eve I could remember. I cheered as I watched the ball drop over Times Square and marveled at the amazing new city that was now my home.
***
I’d just started settling into a routine — going to class for a few weeks and finding a coffee shop I liked, even making a few new acquaintances — when I awoke one night in my new apartment, my heart pounding wildly. There was a noise coming from somewhere, and I sat bolt upright in bed, looking around for what had woken me. My phone. I stumbled out of bed to answer it as I looked at the clock on the wall. It was three in the morning.
“I hate you,” I said groggily.
“You have to come home right now!” Bonnie blurted into the phone.
I was instantly wide awake. Something terrible had happened. I tucked the cordless phone against my shoulder and started running around my room, grabbing clothes to change into.
“What is it?” I asked, praying nothing had happened to my Dad or any of the Harpers.
“Sarah’s been in labor for a few hours. She’s at the hospital right now.
Mom said not to call you until the morning, but I thought you’d want to know.”
I could hear banging in the background. She was obviously rushing around as well. “Okay, I’m leaving right now. See you there.”
Throwing the phone down, I pulled my jeans on and ran a comb through my hair. I ran down the stairs and out onto the busy street where my car was parked. I’d been thrilled yesterday to get a parking space on the same block as my building. I knew it wouldn’t be vacant when I got back home. I pulled out and headed uptown, toward Fairfield.
Just under two hours later I drove down Fairfield’s main street and straight to hospital. I smiled when I saw David’s and Bonnie’s cars in the parking lot. I pulled in next to them and ran inside.
“Charlotte!” Alex called when he saw me.
“Did I miss it?” I asked, breathing heavily.
“No, we’re all still waiting. I’m actually going on a coffee run. Would you like to join me?”
“I should probably let everyone know I’m here.”
“Okay, can I get you something?”
“Just a coffee — the strongest one they have, if you don’t mind.” He nodded on his way out the door.
I navigated my way through the hospital to the maternity ward and laughed when I heard Bonnie’s excited voice floating down the hall. When I entered the waiting room, all the heads spun to me and smiles bloomed on their faces.
“Well, if it isn’t the big city girl,” David laughed, standing up to hug me.
“Hi, David,” I said, hugging him back.
“It’s so wonderful that you could be here,” Ellen said.
“I wouldn’t miss the first of the next generation of Harpers coming into the world.”
The sun was just starting to come through the windows, and I was shocked that it was dawn. “How long has she been in there?”
“Just over five hours. But it could be a while yet,” Bonnie said.
I sat down next to Bonnie and picked up one of the magazines on the table when someone else walked into the room, also breathing heavily. I looked up and my whole body froze. Cameron.
“Mom, Dad, is the baby here yet?” he asked frantically, looking as stressed as I’d felt a few minutes before.
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