I let out a frustrated groan and reach for my beer as I turn back to the T.V. “It’s none of your goddamn business,” I say, trying to tune them out.
Nate grabs the remote off the edge of the coffee table and turns off the T.V. I go to reprimand him but as I look over at him, all I see is a friend who’s truly concerned about me. “We’re not here to bust your balls, Ty. You’re hurting, that’s clear. We just want to know why so we can help you.”
I let out a heavy sigh as I look around at the boys to see them all nodding, honestly hating seeing me like this. My gaze drops down to my hands in my lap, not prepared to face these guys as I tell them what’s been going on. “I told Bry that I love her.”
Jesse sucks in a sharp breath before running both of his hands down his face. “Fuck,” he sighs, not needing any more than that to understand what’s going on.
“You’re in love with her?” Maxen asks, looking shocked. “When the fuck did that happen?”
“Start of my junior year,” I explain.
His eyes bug out of his head just as the rest of the guys’ do. Not one of them knew the extent of our relationship, though I have a feeling Jesse had his suspicions, but if he did, he never really said anything until recently.
“Shit,” Puck says, leaning forward onto his elbows. “So, what happened?”
I narrow my eyes on him, wondering if he may already know. After all, Brylee is Courtney’s best friend and I’m sure she would have talked to her about it, meaning Courtney wouldn’t have been able to resist telling Puck, but the clueless look on his face tells me that maybe Brylee has been keeping this quiet.
“I told her I wanted to make it work. I’m sick of random hookups with her, I want a fucking future with her. I don’t want to have to keep sleeping with random chicks just so I can forget her face for half-an-hour. I know she feels something. I can feel it, but she’s too fucking stubborn to admit it to herself. She said it would never work and that we should just go back to what we were doing.”
“Oooh, fuck,” Jackson says with a cringe before launching himself over the back of the couch and heading for my bar. “I think this shit calls for some of the good stuff.”
Jackson rifles through my bar and I continue, knowing that if I stop now, I’ll never be able to finish the story. “I couldn’t go back to randomly fucking her on couches after parties. Don’t get me wrong, it was fucking incredible, but I want more.”
Nate nods in understanding. “You gave her an ultimatum, didn’t you?”
I press my lips into a tight line. “I can’t keep chasing something, knowing that I’ll never reach the finish line. I told her it was all in or all out. I don’t want to do this in-between bullshit anymore, and she chose to be out.”
Jesse’s hand comes down on my shoulder as Jackson returns with a bottle of whisky. “That’s too bad, man. I really thought you two would be able to work something out.”
“Yeah, I did too,” I grumble, taking the bottle from Jackson and taking a long drink, welcoming the burn.
“Why though?” Jesse asks. “It doesn’t make sense. When the two of you are together, it’s clear that she’s more than just into you. Why wouldn’t she want that?”
I go to respond when Puck takes the answer right out of my mouth. “Yale,” he says, deep in thought, giving me the spare moment to take another hit. “She’s always wanted Yale and now that she’s got it, she wants to make it worth her time.”
I nod, knowing he would have worked that out from endless conversations with Courtney. The boys look to me for confirmation and I nod as I hand the bottle to Jess. “Partially, yes,” I explain. “There’s that and there’s the fact that she doesn’t believe that we could withstand a long-distance relationship. Add in the fucked-up idea that she can’t trust me to be faithful, and she couldn’t have run from the idea any faster.”
The bottle gets passed around and it finds itself in Nate’s hands when he looks at the boys and pulls that dominating crap on us. “Alright, get the fuck out,” he tells them. “Me and Tyson need to have a chat.” Jesse’s eyes narrow at his brother while Maxen, Puck, and Jackson simply get up and walk out, not being fucking stupid enough to question Nate Ryder. “You too, Jess,” Nate adds in a softer tone that he reserves for his younger brother. “We’re just going to talk.”
Jess sighs before grabbing the bottle of whisky from Nate and trudging after the boys, but not before glancing at me and wishing me luck. These little talks with Nate could always go either way. He could be about to tell me to man the fuck up and find my balls or he could be about to give me a fucking hug and tell me that it’s all going to be okay. Either way, whatever it is he needs to say, over the years, I’ve learned to listen. When Nate Ryder speaks, you take it in and you deem it gospel.
“You’re hurting,” he comments, once we hear the door of the basement close behind Jesse.
I think over the past week, ‘hurting’ is a fucking understatement to what I feel. I’m fucking tortured. I’m an empty man who feels completely hopeless, tormented by the thought that the woman I love doesn’t want anything to do with me. “You could say that.”
Nate scoffs. “I know you don’t want to hear it, but I know how you feel. Tora and I had that split for a few months.”
I shake my head. “That’s not the same thing, man, and you know it. You split from her because you were concerned about her, not because she didn’t want a fucking future with you. Not to mention, she lived down the fucking road, not across the fucking country. I can’t just storm into her house and throw her over my shoulder when I want to check on her.”
“Yeah, alright. So, the circumstances were different but it doesn’t change the fact that without her, I was still hurting. I know how it feels, I know what it’s like to be kept away from the woman you love, and what I can tell you is that right now, what you’re doing…it ain’t fucking healthy. You need to get out of this fucking house, go back to school, and keep your mind off her. Sitting here day in and day out is only giving you more time to go over every single moment. It’s going to drive you fucking crazy.”
“It already is,” I grumble, knowing he’s right as I sit up on the couch and lean onto my knees. “You know the best part,” I say, looking up at him. “She suggested that we could wait until after she was done with college to give it a try.”
“Isn’t she going to be at Yale for years?”
“Yeah, at least four.”
“Fuck, man. I’m sorry. I didn’t realize it would be this bad. Hell, I didn’t even know you were that into her. I had my suspicions after you woke up naked on the girls’ couch, but I just assumed it was a one-night thing. I’m so off my fucking game. Usually, I’m better with this shit.”
“Well,” I shrug, not offended by his lack of attention in the least. “To be fair, you’ve had your handful with Tora since last summer.”
Nate laughs. “Damn right, I have. Let’s just hope the fucking drama can finally come to an end. I just want to be able to leave my fucking house each day and know that my girl is safe.”
“I hear ya, man,” I say as Nate falls into a thoughtful silence.
“You know,” he says. “Brylee’s always been one of those girls who need to know the outcome before she can do anything. She’s overly cautious and doesn’t take a step without thinking it over. Maybe you put her off by showing up like that and confessing your love. She might just need a little time to think it through and figure out what she wants. After all, right now, she has her world over there at Yale wrapped up in a pretty little bow and you come and threaten to scramble it all around.”
“What are you saying?”
“Maybe all she needs is a plan. Tell her how it would work rather just saying you want it to, and for fuck’s sake, make sure that she knows and trusts that you’ll be faithful. She needs to feel confident in what she’s doing, and if you want to make it work, then you’re going to have to be the one to make it happen.”
I shake my head. “I don’t kn
ow. She was so certain that she knew what she wanted. I think I just need to move on. I’m losing a race that I’m running by myself. It’s fucking stupid.”
Nate gives me a tight smile and it’s clear that from the look on his face he doesn’t think I should be giving up, but he wasn’t there, he didn’t see the way she pushed me away and crushed me.
“Are you sure?” Nate questions in a tone that has me glancing up to see him looking right down into my broken soul.
“Yeah, I’m positive. It’s time to move on.”
“Alright, then this is what we’re going to do. Tonight, you’re going to start by getting blind drunk. You’ll sleep it off tomorrow, and then you’ll be going back to school. Concentrate on your fucking school work, keep out of trouble, and don’t fuck around with other chicks to try and forget. Trust me, I’ve tried that and it doesn’t fucking work.”
“And?” I prompt, knowing there’s more.
“And you need to keep your mind off her, so in the afternoons, once school is out for the day, you can come down to the shop and work on the Jag with me or chill with the boys. I don’t really give a shit what you do, as long as you’re not sitting down in here, feeling sorry for yourself.”
I think it over for a quick moment and realize that he’s right. Anything will be better than sitting around here wishing the pain would go away. “Alright,” I tell him. “I’m in.”
A slow smile spreads across his face. “Fuck yeah,” he says. “Then you better get your mom on the phone because we’re having a fucking party tonight.”
Chapter 11
Brylee
I have never been so happy to see the end of my period. It’s been two weeks since that night and every moment of every day, I wondered if I threw it all away and was about to suffer through a teen pregnancy. Though would it be the worst thing in the world? If I did, at least I’d possibly be able to have Tyson back in my life.
He still hasn’t talked to me. I’ve sent three messages over the past two weeks and every one of them has gone unanswered. It’s killing me, the more time I have to go over it, the more I realize just how badly I fucked up.
He was right, I am in love with him, and the more that becomes apparent, the more it hurts. How could I have not seen it before? I’ve had people everywhere telling me and hoping I see the light, yet I was so blinded by my own insecurities and stubborn nature.
Friends can’t sleep together. It never works. All the movies and books say so, but I didn’t listen. I thought me and Ty could be the exception, we were strong enough to see it through and come out the other end. I’m such an idiot.
I knew he loved me, but I didn’t realize it started all the way back then. I can’t believe I didn’t see it, but now thinking back, it was so damn obvious. I used to get text messages every day saying ‘good morning.’ I used to receive random midnight calls to chat. I used to have him show up on my door and kiss me as though he’s never kissed a woman in his life…but now, it’s all gone. I get nothing and I’ve never felt so damn empty inside.
Another wave of tears come on and I reach for the tissues that have had to permanently relocate to my bedside table. Why does it still hurt? I did the right thing…or maybe I didn’t.
I want him so bad. I just need to feel his arms wrapped securely around my body, telling me that it’s all going to be alright. I need his lips on mine, taking away my pain.
I feel so dead inside. Why is it that I always want what I can’t have and when it was there, looking me in the face and begging me to give it a shot, I was more than ready to push it away?
I fucking suck.
My mindless state of tears and regret have kept me from being able to concentrate on my school work to the point that some of my professors have even made comments. I’ve had absent days, days where I sit in class and don’t hear a thing, and I’ve been late with two assignments. This shit simply doesn’t happen to me and it’s the kind of thing that I was trying to avoid altogether. This is the very reason why I didn’t want a relationship, yet even without one, I’m still falling apart.
What the hell am I doing? I’m pathetic.
My phone rings and I try to pull myself together before answering it. “Hello,” I sniffle into the phone while using my forearm to wipe the tears off my face.
“Shit. Are you crying again?” Courtney questions with a heavy sigh.
“I can’t help it. I love him,” I blurt out before I realize what the hell I’m even saying.
I hear the smile in Courtney’s tone. “So, you finally see it? You love him, like really deep down, gut-wrenching, can’t live without him love him?”
“Yesss,” I groan, drawing it out, feeling sick that I’ve let it go on so long without fixing it.
“Holy shit,” Court laughs. “About time. I thought you’d never figure it out.”
“Shut up,” I grumble, feeling like an idiot for not having put it together over a year ago as Tyson had so easily done. “How do I make it stop?”
“Stop?” she shrieks in horror. “Oh, honey. What are you talking about? You can’t make it stop. Why would you want that?”
“Because he hates me. What’s the point of being in love with someone who doesn’t want a damn thing to do with you?”
“Babe,” she sighs. “I don’t know what to tell you. You kind of fucked this one up in a big way.”
“Don’t remind me,” I tell her, clenching my eyes as I squish my face into my pillow. “Have you seen him? How is he?”
She lets out a heavy breath. “He’s not great, Bry. He’s hurting pretty deep. For the first week, he was just a bit…you know, MIA, and now, well…I think he’s trying to forget.”
My brows furrow and I find myself sitting up on the edge of my too-small bed, her comments sending me into a panic. “What do you mean ‘forget?’”
“He’s trying to forget how he feels. He goes to school and spends his afternoons with Nate in his shop, and the second they’re done for the day, he’s partying with the boys and drowning himself in alcohol. He’s doing his best to keep you off his mind.”
“So, what you mean is that he’s trying to forget me?”
“Bry,” she breathes though the truth is there. That’s exactly what he’s doing and the thought of Tyson not wanting a thing to do with me tears me apart.
“What am I going to do?” I cry.
“There’s nothing you can do,” she tells me softly. “You just need to leave him to do his own thing. He’s coping the best way he knows and having you trying to help him is only going to make things worse. I know it’s hard, but you need to give him the space he needs to move on.”
I hang my head, hating the sound of her words. “I don’t want him to move on,” I whisper.
“I love you, Bry, but you need to let it go. You can’t hold onto him if you’re not willing to be his girl. It’s not healthy for you and it’s certainly not fair to him. He deserves to be with someone who’s going to love him the same way that he does.”
“What if I do want to?”
“Want to what?”
“Love him.”
“Bry,” she sighs. “Come on, what are you saying? You’ve been all about Yale and keeping single for as long as I can remember. You’re not thinking straight. You’re hurting. You’ve been trying to think of ways to make it better, and telling him that you’ll make it work is the easy fix. You don’t really want that.”
“But I do,” I tell her. “It’s all I’ve been able to think about since he kissed my stupid head and walked away. I want to be with him, Court. Even if it means suffering through a long-distance relationship and flying back and forth to Broken Hill for a few years. I think we can do it…No, I know we can.”
“Are you sure?” she questions softly. “You’re not just trying to ease the pain?”
“Court, I’m sure. I want what we had back, but I want to be exclusive. I want the midnight phone calls and silly little texts. I want him showing up in the middle of the night just to kiss me
and I want to be the one who makes him smile. I don’t just love him, Court, but I want to love him. I want to be his girl and I want to be able to call him my man because really, that’s exactly what he is to me. I need to make this right, Court. How could I have been so stupid?”
“Holy shit,” she says. “You’re serious. You’re going to be with Tyson.”
“That’s if I can even get him to talk to me. He doesn’t answer my texts so I doubt he’s going to answer the phone if I call. What am I supposed to do? I’m hours away from him. I have no hope of making this right.”
“I trust you, Brylee. If this is truly what you want, then I know you’ll make it happen. You’re the most determined and stubborn person that’s ever come out of Broken Hill, so if anyone can convince a guy to give her another chance, it’s you.”
“But how? I’m here and he’s all the way over there.”
“You do the one thing you can do,” she tells me, taking on her no-nonsense tone that has me feeling like a child about to be reprimanded by an angry mother. “You get your stubborn ass out of bed and wipe away your tears. You get your ass to the airport and get yourself home. It’s only 5 pm on a Friday afternoon, you’ll be here by tonight and I’ll be waiting at the airport to pick you up. I can guarantee that Tyson will be at whatever party the boys deem acceptable and you’re going to show up for him, not the other way around like it’s always been.” She takes a breath. “You pour your heart out and you beg him for forgiveness, you let him know that you’re in this and that he can rely on you to be there, and then, you hope to fucking God that he’s willing to be the one to give you a chance.”
“Fuck, Court,” I say in a panic. “What would I even say to him?”
“I don’t know, Bry, that’s not my business. You’re the one who’s in love with him so you’re the only one who can answer that question. You know him best. All I know is that the longer you wait, the harder it’s going to be. You have to do it tonight, so get your ass up and out the door. I’ll book your ticket for you and see you at the airport.”
Tyson: Broken Hill Boys (Novella 4) Page 7