“Honey, maybe he’ll surprise you and text later and want to meet up. You never know.”
“Taylor, I know he won’t. You didn’t hear the way he sounded. I could tell it was killing him just talking to me. And he made it perfectly clear that if he were to see me, that all of those feelings would come rushing back and he would destroy his own life to be with me. I would never want that for him.”
We spent the rest of the day lounging around the hotel room and down by the pool. I was on edge the entire day, hoping that he would call, but scared what would happen if he did. When nighttime rolled around, there still was no text. Taylor could tell I was getting antsy, so she decided to send him a text message.
“Okay, this is what I just sent. ‘Dax, I’m not sure of the entire situation, but I feel as though I need to say something. Your conversation with her, really affected her. She misses you a lot, and I honestly think you’ll regret not meeting up with her when you had the chance. Just think about it. I can even be there if it makes you more comfortable.’ So what do you think?”
“It doesn’t matter anymore, Taylor. It is what it is. He’s married. This is pointless.”
“I know it feels that way, Charlee, but you have to try.”
“Why? Why do I have to try? It’s not like I would ever leave what I have, for him. I would never give that up for a man I don’t even know anymore.”
“Oh my god, he just text me back. He says, ‘I’m considering it. What are you guys up to?’ I just sent one back saying we are just hanging by the pool.”
“Taylor, just let it go. Please.”
We decided to get dressed and meet up with some of my other friends from high school to get my mind off of all this nonsense. Taylor and I were driving along, almost to the restaurant where we were meeting our friend, when her phone alerted her of a text message.
“Hey hun, can you check that for me.”
I grabbed her phone and saw his name illuminated on the screen. My heart jumped into my throat and I was finding it hard to breathe, as I opened up the text message. Written across the screen were four words from him. Four words that would forever be engraved into my memory. “He says, ‘Wish I could, sorry’.”
“Seriously? Is that really what it says?”
I passed the phone over to Taylor and quietly stared out the window, watching the world pass by in a flash.
“Did that just ruin your night?”
“No.” Of course I was lying. My heart was shattering into a million pieces, and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it.
Instead of dwelling on what happened and the loss I felt, I threw myself into my work. I had the opportunity of a lifetime, staring me right in the face and I took it and ran. I felt lucky to be where I was in life. My life was amazing, and I wasn’t about to spend another second wondering, what if.
I hadn’t told Taylor at the time, but I secretly stole his number from her phone that night and sent him a text giving him mine. I simply texted, ‘for someday.’ I had no intentions of ever using his number, but I figured if anything, one day we could reconnect and maybe even be friends. I knew I was being naive, but part of me just wasn’t ready to let go of him just yet.
Chapter Thirty-Three
Dax
Hearing her voice again after so long, was a feeling I never thought I would feel again. Her words comforted me and embraced my healing heart. I tried to be as honest as I could be with her, but there was only so much I was willing to give to her. She affected me in a way that I could never fully explain. We shared a connection that I had never felt with anyone else, not even my wife.
I knew as I talked to her, that she was slowly breaking down the wall I had built up around my heart when it came to her. I hated myself for so long, for what I did to her when she came back. It wasn’t much of an excuse, but I was too young to realize what I had. She had given me another chance. She came back willing to give one hundred percent, and instead of taking my chance and running with it, I basically spit in her face and thought about nothing but hurting her the way she hurt me. I was wrong. I knew it then, and I know it now. Part of me felt better after apologizing to her, but my heart still ached for her.
I sat on my couch the rest of the weekend that I knew she was in town, being depressed and ignoring my wife. I knew it was wrong, but my heart was broken. This was exactly what I was afraid of, and exactly why I told her I couldn’t meet up with her. Little did she know, I ended up following her that night. I was too tempted by her being in the same state, not to at least see her for myself, even if she couldn’t see me.
I parked on the corner right in front of the hotel, and waited for her to leave. When she first came walking out, I almost didn’t recognize her. Of course, I had seen pictures of her online, but nothing compared to seeing her in person. Her hair was blonder than it had been when we were together, and it shined in the setting sun, as she climbed up into the Jeep they were driving. I wasn’t sure where they were headed and the better part of my brain was screaming at me to go home, but my heart was pulling me to her.
I hadn’t replied to Taylor’s text message yet, and it was killing me being able to see her and not have her see me, but it was the only thing I could do. As soon as they merged onto the sixty freeway, my heart sunk down into my feet. I lived out this way, and part of me was starting to freak out a little bit, thinking that they were headed to my house. Regardless of where they were going, I continued to follow. As we inched closer and closer to the exit for my house, I quickly sent the text I had been avoiding all day, but it seemed to be my only option. There wasn’t much I could say to soften the blow I was about to give, but I had to be harsh to avoid any unnecessary conflict that would come from the love of my life showing up at my house, and possibly running into my wife. As I hit send, the piece of wall that had broken free earlier, slowly moved back into place.
I never expected a text in return and I could only imagine the devastation those four words were about to cause, and it was ripping me in two. The Jeep never slowed to get off on my off ramp, and I breathed a sigh of relief. Now my mind was wondering where they were going. I didn’t know Charlee anymore, and that scared me. I didn’t know what kind of life she led, or what exactly she liked to do on her off time, but I was intrigued to find out more. When they pulled off the next exit, I suddenly knew exactly where they were going. I hadn’t been to Uncle Bear’s in a while, but it had been Trevor’s and mine go to bar for quite some time. I laughed at myself for a second, as I recalled my conversation earlier in the day with Trevor.
When I hung up with Charlee earlier, Trevor was the first and only person I called to talk about what had been said. He was the only friend I still had that knew how I felt about Charlee still. He was around for practically our entire relationship, and he was the only friend that came around and gave two shits about me, when all I could do was sulk when she left the second time.
He had been supportive when I called him, hell he practically wanted to force me into his truck to take me to see her himself. After I fully explained to him the gravity of the situation, he decided that we should go out and get drunk tonight. Mainly so I wouldn’t think about her and what could’ve been, any longer. Of course, Uncle Bear’s was the bar he suggested and I shot him down. I made up some lame ass excuse about not feeling like going out and wanting to spend time with my wife. All the while I was secretly planning out my stalker stakeout mission.
I knew the way I was feeling, wasn’t fair to my wife. I knew it, but my heart and mind were battling, and I convinced myself that this was okay. I convinced myself that I wasn’t cheating, and I did the right thing by telling her no, but somehow the right thing to do, felt so wrong at the moment. After Taylor and Charlee parked, they didn’t exit right away and I started to worry that they had seen me following them. I parked a few spaces back, but right in front of the outside patio, so I could still see her, if they ended up outside.
Her door popped open and I watched as she jumped o
ut. My eyes traced every inch of her, starting at her feet and gradually making their way back up to her face. She wasn’t facing my direction, and I had the most enticing view of her long lean legs, that led to her small but firm ass. It was a view to be admired, that’s for sure. She had on a pair of tight, light blue jeans that hugged every inch of her amazing curves. As my eyes moved up further to the white and hot pink tube top she was wearing, I couldn’t help but stare at her back as she moved her hair over to one side of her shoulder. My mind instantly flashed back to the time in our kitchen, right after we had just moved in, and I wanted to feel her soft skin against my lips again.
I was suddenly pulled out of my revelry when she turned to the side and leaned in to grab something from the front seat. Her face was what caught my attention this time. I only had a profile view, but damn it was one good view. She still looked gorgeous. How was it possible that she just continued to grow even more beautiful with time? Charlee was the first to start walking over towards the entrance of the bar, and funny enough, just like always, she was yelling for Taylor to catch up.
When they disappeared inside, I started to worry that they would just stay inside instead of out. Lucky for me, I was wrong. They were both walking out to a table and I was finally getting to see her full frontal. Her body looked to be in amazing shape, but that didn’t surprise me. She had always been good at taking care of herself and working out regularly. Her body was the least of my concerns, it was her face and her eyes that always got my attention, and tonight was no different. Her eyes glistened under the white lights that the bar had put up around the outside, and they dazzled me. They sucked me in and held my attention like nothing in the world. And then she smiled. Oh, that smile could cure me on any unhappy day in life. It wasn’t just a smile; it was an expression that lit up her entire face and the faces of those around her. Her good nature and love for life was infectious.
She was like a disease, but a disease you never wanted to be cured of. That smile had me mesmerized, until I saw why she was smiling. A guy came walking up to the both of them, and she immediately wrapped her arms tightly around him as they hugged for longer than normal acquaintances should. Because in this moment, I was telling myself that’s all they were. I had to believe that was all they were. When he turned to hug Taylor next, I relaxed a little. Maybe this was someone she knew well, or maybe it was even Taylor’s boyfriend. As they sat down at the table, I noticed the guy go out of his way to sit next to Taylor, and I was secretly thanking my lucky stars for that.
I don’t understand why I was torturing myself this way. I knew I wasn’t going to get out of the car and say hi or anything, but watching her movements and the way she was laughing, all I could think about was what it would feel like to have her smile and laugh with me again. She seemed to be having a good time from what I could tell. Every few seconds her face would light up and that heart melting smile would appear, making my jealousy that much more prominent.
After an hour passed, I thought about calling it a night and just going home. I hadn’t exactly explained to my wife what I was up to after work, even though I didn’t go, but I told her I had some things to do. I reached for the door handle, ready to go and confront my past, my future be damned. For once in my life, I was about to do something for me, nobody else but me. As much as I tried to convince myself that I didn’t need to see her, that it would be too hard, it was far worse seeing her in front of me and not being able to talk to her.
I stepped out of my truck and stood next to it. I took two steps and suddenly my feet failed me. I wasn’t sure if it was some cosmic sign or if I was just that nervous, but either way, I found myself back in my truck, staring at the one girl in this world that I could never have again. The only thing that made it worse, was knowing that every night her husband got to touch her. He got to be with her, feel her, smell her and have a family with her. My stomach ached when reality finally set in. I couldn’t ruin a marriage, or break up a family. I wasn’t willing to be that guy. My eyebrows pinched in confusion as I thought back to our conversation this morning. When I asked her if she had kids or a husband, she has said yes to one but not the other. But, when I had called her that night so long ago, she had told me she was pregnant. She told me that she couldn’t meet me because she was pregnant. Now I was left with even more unanswered questions, and wanting to know the answers was literally killing me.
A short while later, I forced myself to leave and go home. I wanted to stay. My heart wanted to stay with her for always, but the rational part of me, well the rational part of me, put my truck in drive and went home to my wife.
Chapter Thirty-Four
Charlee
I dreaded going home when the plane landed. I knew what I would be walking into, and I would much rather be doing anything else, but going home. As much as I wanted to stop by my new favorite hangout, I found myself driving straight home. I walked through the door from the garage and breathed a heavy sigh. When I made my choice ten years ago, I honestly thought I was making the right one. My gut told me that eventually I would get hurt, and that my family would always be there for me. I never thought about the loneliness that came along with that choice, until today.
I poured myself a glass of wine, and unpacked my suitcase. After an hour of putting away my clean clothes and starting a mountain of laundry, I pulled out my laptop and got to work on my article. I was close to finishing, when my phone started ringing. I really wasn’t in the mood to talk to anybody, but after looking at the caller ID, I answered it anyway.
“Hey Tay, how’s it going?”
“It’s going good, hun. I just wanted to make sure you got home okay.”
“That I did. I’ve just been busy writing my article. How’d the rest of your day go?”
I honestly didn’t care. I know that made me a bad person, but I needed the distraction from my over active brain.
“It went good. Hung out with Katie and went to go see my mom.”
“God, I can’t believe you have a ten year old already. I feel so old, like I should be catching up with you.”
“You’re telling me. I feel ancient. So honestly, how are you really feeling?”
“I don’t know, Taylor. It hurts, but I really don’t want to talk about it. I gotta get back to my article. Can I call you tomorrow?”
“Yeah. Sleep good. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”
I hung up the phone and let it drop from my fingers. Exhaustion quickly set in and before I knew it, I was fast asleep.
For the next week, I avoided any unnecessary phone calls and tried my damnedest not to think about him. I threw myself into my work, but even that was starting to pose a problem. My editor called a few days ago about covering an awards show, but it was still a month away. My mind was cluttered with thoughts of Dax, and I needed an escape. I needed something to clear my mind.
I quickly grabbed my laptop and started searching for small hotels on the coast of California. When I came across one that was right on a private beach, I booked it. I didn’t hesitate. I didn’t second guess my decision, I just booked it. In two weeks, I would be on the gorgeous sandy beach, soaking up the California sun while I cleared my head and reexamined my life.
Not a day went by over the next week and half that I didn’t think about him on a constant basis. For some reason, he overwhelmed me with emotions that I thought I had buried a long time ago. Some days, I wish I never would’ve bothered looking him up. Things were so much easier to deal with, when I ignorantly believed that he hated me more than anything. But now that I knew the truth, I just wanted to forget.
My phone began ringing in the distance.
“Hello?”
“Hey hun. How are you?” Taylor’s voice was just what I needed to hear at that moment.
“Oh, you know.” I let out an audible sigh.
“Still thinking about him, huh?”
“I guess you could say that. I was doing so damn good not thinking about him, but for some reason today is extra ba
d.”
“I hear ya, honey. Just try and stay strong.”
“I know.” Staying strong was what I was good at, and with any luck he would be free from my mind soon. That’s the funny thing about true love. It rarely ever leaves you alone.
“You still there?”
Just then, a thought ran through my mind and if I didn’t act on it now, I never would. “Taylor, I have to call you back.”
“Okay.” I could hear the confusion in her voice, but I didn’t have time to explain.
I hung up and started searching through my contacts for his number. This couldn’t wait. I knew what I was about to do had the potential to change everything, but if I were to ever be sane again, I had to do it.
I typed out a quick text to see if he could talk, and then sat and waited. I waited for what felt like an eternity, when my phone finally beeped. He said he had a few minutes and would call me in just a second. My heart was beating so fast, I felt as though I couldn’t breathe. My hands began to shake and my mind was filled with a million thoughts. When my phone started ringing a few seconds later, I had to force myself to take deep breaths before answering.
“Hello.”
“Hey. How are you?” His voice hit me like a ton of bricks, sending shivers down my spine.
“I’m good. How are you?”
“Could you please tell me what is supposed to come of this?” His voice was shaky and he seemed mad.
“Honestly, I don’t know. You seem mad. Dax, tell me why you couldn’t see me while I was in town, please?”
“I’m not mad at all. I explained my reasoning to you on why I couldn’t meet up with you.”
“I know you told me why, I guess I more so wanted to know why you decided not to when you said you would think about it.” I held my breath as I waited for his answer, preparing myself for the worst.
“Because, I don’t know what could come of this?”
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