Bullshit. “Do you ever wonder if maybe seeing me would’ve brought you some closure?” I knew the answer, but really didn’t want to hear him say the words.
“It could’ve gone either way. I just don’t think it’s beneficial to either of us, to be putting ourselves in a situation like that.”
“I feel like I made the situation seem as though it wouldn’t have meant anything to me. You told me you missed me, and I guess, I just felt like I needed you to know that I miss you too. More than you could ever know. I felt that seeing you would’ve made things easier. I don’t know what could come of any of this, but I can honestly say, I just miss having you in my life, in any way.”
“Well, life is complicated.”
Now he was just irritating me. I was trying to be open and honest with him, which was extremely hard for me, and he was practically brushing me off. “I swear I’m not trying to make things difficult. I guess that’s assuming you still have feelings there. I don’t know, it’s hard to talk about any of this when you’re so standoffish.”
“Don’t get me wrong. If it were ten, even five years ago, things would’ve been different.”
We went back and forth for the next fifteen minutes, not saying what we really wanted to say and I wanted to jump through the phone and strangle him. I just wanted to know how he felt. I wanted to hear those three words that I knew he wanted to say, but I couldn’t bring myself to say them either.
“You’re still just as stubborn as I remember. Why can’t you just tell me how you feel?”
I closed my eyes, willing myself to tell him. I wanted him to know, but I just couldn’t put myself out there with him again. “Because there’s no point.”
“Even if we were to be all, hey, I love you and you love me, what good would that do? I’m married, you’re married and that’s not going to change. I just don’t see what good it would do for us to talk still. It’s not like when we talk it’s strictly platonic.”
I went silent. I couldn’t bring myself to even breathe. I knew the truth of my situation, but I wasn’t ready to tell him. It wouldn’t be fair to tell him what my life was like now. Because I knew deep down, he would leave his wife and be on the next plane out here, but for all the wrong reasons.
“I’m not going to be completely honest with you. Talking to you last month wasn’t good for me. I couldn’t even jump that day. I went home and went back to bed to try and sleep it off, but I woke up still thinking about you. Instead of being in the moment with my wife, I was busy thinking about you.”
“I’m sorry, Dax.” It was the only thing I could think to say.
“Don’t be sorry. It is what it is.”
“Look, I didn’t seek you out thinking that we could be together. I honestly didn’t even think you would call that day. I didn’t think you cared enough to call. Do you regret not seeing me while I was there?”
There was a long pregnant pause. “I don’t regret it for my everyday life and for the sake of my marriage, but I do regret it long term. I just don’t think it would’ve been innocent if we would have seen each other.” He paused, and then asked a question I wasn’t at all prepared for. “Do you feel like you’ve said everything you want to say?”
My heart splintered, and I could feel it begin to shatter. There was no emotion in his voice. He was speaking to me as though I was some sort of stranger he just met. “No, but I don’t want to be selfish and make your life harder, just to make me feel better.” The phone went silent. My heart raced in my chest and I knew exactly what I wanted to say. I knew what I wanted him to say as well, but I also knew him well enough to know that he wouldn’t say it out loud. “I honestly didn’t think it would have any effect on you.”
“Well obviously Taylor knew or she wouldn’t have said I would call that morning.”
Now I was just getting frustrated. “It’s always different from an outsider’s prospective. Did I think you loved me as much as I loved you? Yeah, at one point, but I was head over heels in love with you. I saw a forever with you, and I didn’t feel like you saw that with me.”
“That’s sad. I’m sorry. I was young and stupid. Do I think I could’ve done things differently in the end? Of course. But now, like I said, it is what it is.”
I was surrendering. I was waving the white flag and offering peace. “I just miss you. I miss talking to you. I miss seeing your face. I don’t even know what you look like now.” Deep down, I knew what I was willing to do, if he would have said he loved me. I knew the choice I was willing to make this time, but obviously it wasn’t the same for him.
“I can picture you. Your smile, your face. I can picture it all. I can see you laughing. I can even picture you being upset. I look exactly the same, but better looking.” He let out a loud laugh and I smiled, because I had missed hearing his laugh. “But I’ve seen you.”
“How?”
“Online. I can say with confidence, I have secretly stalked you online.” There was a long pause. “How are you going to deal with this, if you don’t say what you feel you need to say?”
“I’ll deal with it like I always do. I’ll just push it down and deal. I’m not selfish enough not to.”
“Well if you ever figure out a solution to our predicament…”
“You’ll be the first one I call.”
“So where do we go from here?” I could hear hope in his words, and it made me smile.
The tears started welling up behind my eyelids, knowing what I needed to say to him. “I’m going to respect your wishes, and we won’t talk.”
“I think it would be harder if we continue to talk to each other. I told you, we’ll talk…someday.”
The tears began to fall and I silently cried as our conversation came to an end. All I could think, was that someday couldn’t come soon enough.
“I’m happy for you, Charlee. I’m jealous I’m not the one that gets to make you feel happy, or make you feel loved, but I am happy for you.”
“I’m happy for you too.” I muttered.
“Well, I have to get back to work. I guess…I guess, I’ll let you go.”
With those four words, I knew exactly what he meant. He was literally letting me go, and I had no choice but to accept the choice he had made. I made the decision, when I first started talking to him that I wouldn’t be the first one to hang up. So I waited for him to do it, and when the line died, so did a piece of my heart.
Chapter Thirty-Five
Dax
With every word she spoke, I tried to picture where she was at that moment. Her face was still engraved in my memory from the night I saw her. I missed her every waking minute of every god damned day, and it was driving me insane. Her very presence in this world was turning my life upside down and inside out. I was self-destructing, and I didn’t know how to fix it.
Fortunately, the answer came to me the next morning, in the form of a text message. It wasn’t from Charlee, and for that I was grateful. It did come from her best friend though. As I read the extremely long text message, I was faced with one of the hardest decisions I would ever have to make. My drive to work that morning turned out to be my drive to the drop zone. I hadn’t jumped since I had seen her, and today called for just that.
I needed to feel the adrenaline coursing through my veins. The sun against my face, the hundred mile an hour plus winds against my skin, and most of all, the feeling of dropping out of a plane to the unknown.
I checked my phone one last time while readying my pack, but there was nothing there. I hadn’t responded to Taylor and I wasn’t even sure what I would say to her, so I finished up, and walked out to the plane that was waiting for me. As we dipped in an air pocket before we reached altitude, my stomach dropped just like it does when you’re on a roller coaster. It was exhilarating, and I found myself smiling wider than ever. The dip gave me a brief sense of clarity, and I knew exactly what I wanted to do for the first time, in what felt like forever.
I stuck my head out the side of the plane, taking
in how far we were from the ground. The wind whipped against my face, forcing the adrenaline to take me to a completely different level. It was a completely liberated feeling, the minute I jumped out of the plane. I watched the world around me start at a distance, and slowly pull me closer to it. Right before I pulled my chute, only one person ran through my mind, making me want to be extra cautious. Since we had broken up, I lived my life minute-by-minute, not really caring about the consequences of my actions. Until now. Now all of a sudden, all I could think about were the consequences. What if next time I jumped, my chute didn’t open? What if I pushed the limits of my motorcycle too much next time, and wrecked? I had turned into an adrenaline junkie over the years, and now I was rethinking it all.
I never made it to work, but I did call Trevor to tell him what was going on. My wife was out of town visiting her family in Mexico for a week, so this was my perfect opportunity. Needless to say, things hadn’t been going so well between the two of us since the weekend Charlee showed up in town. I didn’t tell my wife about Charlee when she was in here, and I thought I would feel bad about it, but I didn’t. I knew how bad it sounded. I knew that every woman out there would think I was a total douche, but our life was complicated, just like I told Charlee. There were things I had left out of the conversation, and there were things I just didn’t feel she needed to know right then. But that was all about to change.
I went straight home, booked my flight, and packed a small bag. I threw it onto the passenger seat in my truck, and headed out towards the airport. This may turn around and bite me in the ass later, but I was willing to take that chance now. If I didn’t follow my heart in this very moment, I would always wonder what if.
Four hours later, I was landing at LAX, renting a car and headed out to Malibu. The sun was shining. The weather was perfect, and my heart was soaring. The same feeling I felt when I would go skydiving, was the exact feeling I was having now. I was suddenly nervous, extremely nervous to be more precise. I wasn’t sure how she would take me surprising her like this, but I could only hope that she would be receptive to it. I couldn’t stop glancing over at the ocean, as I drove up the Pacific Coast Highway. The sand and sea were mesmerizing, and absolutely gorgeous. Just as I remembered her to be. The salty sea air blew through my hair and whipped across my face in a soothing fashion. I was already starting to relax a little bit, and that was making me smile ear to ear.
I pulled up to the hotel a little while later, and when the valet came over to park my car for me, my nerves shot through the roof. Taylor had given me all the specifics of Charlee’s trip, when she had text me. I had her flight number, hotel name and location, and soon, I would have her room number. I wasn’t a complete idiot though, I made sure I got my own room just in case things didn’t work out well. T
he hotel was amazing and I was in awe when I walked up to the check-in desk and saw the view. The hotel sat right on a private beach, with the pier not too far off from where the hotel sat. It was all open and sunny, with a small ocean breeze constantly blowing through the first floor. I took a minute to walk around, and see the place before I checked in. I knew I had a little bit of time before she would be here, so I figured I would familiarize myself with the place.
The hotel opened up to a huge glass patio that contained the tables for the restaurant. I stood against the railing and closed my eyes, taking in the fresh sea air and the midday sun shining down on my face. It was a little chilly outside, but that only made for good cuddling, so I wasn’t too worried about it. Soon, I would have her in my arms and it wouldn’t matter if there was a blizzard outside.
Along the side of the restaurant was a staircase that led down to the beach. The entire hotel was literally only a hundred feet away from the water, making it possibly the most romantic place I had ever been to.
I turned around and headed to the front desk. I got lucky when a pretty young girl came walking out. I knew I was going to have to bribe someone, just a little bit, to get a room right next to hers.
“Hi, welcome to the Malibu Beach Inn. My name is Casey. Are you checking in?”
This was gonna be easy. “Hi Casey. Actually, I am checking in.” I was giving her my best come hither stare, and I could see her getting wet every second that she looked at me.
“Okay, what name is the reservation under?”
“It’s Dax Harper, but I need a little favor from you.” I leaned forward, reaching for a lock of her long brown hair and twisting it around my finger. “I’m actually needing my room to be next to one of my best friends that is checking in today as well.”
“Oh..well…do you want to wait until he gets here?”
“She, isn’t due in for another hour or two, and I would really like to surprise her. Do you think you could possibly make that work for me?” I made eye contact with her, and purposefully licked my bottom lip. If my shameless flirting didn’t work on her, then I was seriously off my game.
“Let me see what I can do. What is her name?”
“Charlee Burnes.” I stood back and waited while Casey worked her magic. I knew I would have to give her a little something for her trouble, so I planned on making sure I walked out to the beach without a shirt on, before Charlee showed up. Hopefully that would be enough, because it was all I was willing to give to anybody else, but Charlee.
“Okay, it looks like the room right next to her is available. I’ll just switch the room you were previously supposed to receive with that one, and you should be good to go. Just give me one second. Oh, how many room keys will you be needing?”
“Two will be fine, and thank you Casey. I really do appreciate this.”
“Of course.” She typed away on her keyboard, and then handed me my key cards for my room. “All set, Mr. Harper. I hope you enjoy your stay with us.”
Now she was flirting with me, but it just felt so forced. I smiled and nodded as I grabbed my things and headed up the stairs that lead to the other rooms. Everything was outside and the sound of the ocean was soothing and it was helping even out my nerves. I walked into the room and my bags slipped out of my hands. I hadn’t paid attention to what the rooms looked like when I booked it online, but I was pleasantly surprised. There was a bathroom to the right, a bed to the right as you walked further into the room, and then a couch and a fireplace towards the back of the room. The room was nice, but that wasn’t what had caused me to be stunned. Right off of the private balcony, sat the great wide ocean. The beach was right below and the waves and sand went on for days. It was gorgeous. I had only been to the beach one other time in my life, but it was nothing compared to this.
I left the sliding glass door open so I could listen to the ocean as I unpacked and waited for Charlee to show up. I must’ve fallen asleep, because a little while later, I woke to a familiar voice coming from the balcony next to me. She was here. She was on the phone and terribly excited about her room and view, just as I was. I walked out and stood against the conjoining exterior wall, and just listened to her speak. I missed her voice. I missed her laugh, but most of all, I just missed her. Her conversation was coming to a close, when I realized she was speaking with Taylor. The last thing she said hung heavy in the air, almost making me rethink my decision.
“I’m over it, Tay. He doesn’t feel the same, and he’s married. Life goes on.”
She said it so nonchalant, and that broke my heart. She really sounded like she had come to terms with everything, and was ready to move on. Before I could think about it anymore, I ran inside, checked my hair and clothes and then headed next door. I knocked twice, and stood back and waited. I was terrified of how she was going to react. What if she hated me for doing this? What if she slammed the door in my face? What if she ju-…
She was breathtaking. Her bright blue eyes shot open in surprise, and her long blonde locks brushing over her bare shoulders, as she shook her head in disbelief. God, she looked amazing. There were no words to describe what I was feeling at the moment. Her eyes went straight to mine, as her go
rgeous lips tried to form words, but nothing at all came out.
A small laugh escaped my throat as I watched her nerves take over her entire body. “Hi.”
She just kept shaking her head. “Wh-“ She was adorable when she was flustered, and I was relishing in the fact that I could still affect her this way. “What…how…why.” She let out an exasperated sigh as I nervously shoved my hands into the front pockets of my shorts. “Why are you here?”
And there was the million dollar question.
Chapter Thirty-Six
Charlee
The attraction and connection was instantaneous. It was as though no time had passed between us. He was even more gorgeous than I remembered, if that was even possible. My body reacted to him in a way that was all too familiar. I didn’t want to talk. I didn’t want to catch up and ask how he found me here. All I wanted to do was feel his body against mine. His lips against mine, his skin against my face, and I wasn’t about to waste another second wondering why.
He was close enough for me to grab, and he still hadn’t answered the one question I forced myself to ask, so I grabbed him. I grabbed his shirt and pulled him to me. Our lips crashed down on one another’s, not wasting a second on familiarizing themselves with each other. It was Dax. I knew him inside and out, and he knew me just the same. It was electric and all consuming. It was as though my mind left my body, letting it do whatever it pleased, without any inhibitions. I started with the control, but that quickly changed as it always did. Dax firmly pressed my back against the wall as he explored my mouth. He pinned my hands above my head, and slowly let his other hand slide down my side. His hand slid under my tank top and around my back, leaving a trail of goose bumps in its wake. I was starting to find it hard to breathe, but I didn’t care. I didn’t want to break any contact with him, not even for a second.
He unclasped my bra, and quickly pulled my shirt and bra over the top of my head in one fluid motion. My nipples were begging for attention, along with my other body parts. As though he could read my mind, his mouth left mine and started making its way down my neck, and then to my breasts. I arched my back, giving him full access to what he wanted. He licked and sucked, until I could barely take it anymore. I found myself almost to the point of whimpering as his deft fingers made quick work of unbuttoning my shorts, and then pulling them to the ground along with my panties.
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