Sara's Soul

by Deanna Kahler

  The man was very ill and weak, and Sara could sense his impending demise. He had been experiencing chest pains and was obviously now in intensive care. Much like with her usual visions, Sara took on the patient’s symptoms and emotions as her own. Her heart raced, each beat feeling like it was pounding right up into her throat. Sheer terror shot through her, and she suddenly needed to run and never look back. The hospital walls seemed to close in on her. Her chest constricted as if it were being crushed. Sara was certain that at any moment, her heart would explode.

  As she watched the man, her eyes began to blur and a whirl of dizziness filled her head. She blinked, shocked by what she saw. Her mother was standing over this man, comforting him and holding his hand.

  Sara’s face became hot with anger and jealousy. How could she? Sara thought. He was a complete stranger. So many times, Sara had desperately needed her mother. She cried for her. She longed for her. But Star had never held Sara’s hand. She had not been there for her. She had left her alone to suffer. And now she was treating a man she had never met as if he were her precious child. Sara gasped for air, as her sense of abandonment reached an insurmountable peak. She sobbed with every last bit of strength within her. Then she let out a long, high-pitched scream.

  The man’s discomfort intensified, and Sara felt sharp stabs shooting through his chest and down his left arm. Alarms shrieked through the room, alerting nearby doctors and nurses to rush to his aid. A team of medical professionals scurried throughout the room, attempting to stabilize him. Sara’s heart pounded fiercely, and she breathed erratically just like he did, as beads of sweat trickled down both of their faces. His pain peaked, and the man moaned in agony. Sara moaned right along with him, her body convulsing in her bed in violent fits. Please let me die, she begged. Let me die. Sara had reached her breaking point.

  The man, however, no longer shared Sara’s intensity. Through his suffering, there was an underlying feeling of acceptance and love. He thought about his son and how proud he was of the kind, intelligent man he had become. He thought about his deceased wife and how he would soon see her again. Even if she was with her true love in Heaven and wasn’t interested in rekindling their once-rocky relationship, he knew they would meet again and that she would help guide him to Heaven. Their marriage hadn’t worked out, and for that he was regretful, but he knew there was still love between them. She would be there for him, and that brought him tremendous comfort as he suffered through these last moments of his life. Just as he thought that, another man rushed into the room. It was Chip. His face was scrunched up in tension and alarm.

  “Sir, you need to leave,” the nurse scolded.

  “Oh my God! Dad, are you okay? You’re white as a ghost. Nurse, is he going to be okay?”

  “We’re doing everything we can, sir, but you can’t be in here right now.”

  “Please let him stay,” Dave pleaded. “It’s too late for me. My time has come. Come here and give me a hug, son.”

  Ignoring the nurse’s orders, Chip and his father embraced. A tear trickled down Dave’s face, and Sara felt a rush of both love and sadness.

  “I love you, Dad.”

  “I love you too, son. I’m so proud of you. I just know you are going to achieve great things. Take good care of Sara. I know you will be happy together. Goodbye, Chip.”

  Dave gave his son a kiss on the cheek. The monitor beeped loudly and a flat red line streaked across the screen.

  “No, Dad!” Chip sobbed, burying his face in his father’s chest. “Please don’t go.”

  Sara felt the overwhelming grief and sadness that Chip was experiencing, and it broke her heart. The man she loved was hurting, and she could do nothing about it. Then the scene went black.

  Sara awoke drenched in sweat, her heart still pounding rapidly in her chest. Trembling waves filtered through her body like the aftershocks from an earthquake. She had witnessed another vision of mortality, but this time it was personal. Sadness and despair overcame her once again, and fear infiltrated her heart like an invading army. She had carried the weight of death with her all the time, but now it was even heavier. Her whole body ached, and as she thought about the magnitude of the events she had just witnessed, she began to shake uncontrollably.

  Images of Dave’s death, Chip’s sorrow, and her mother’s betrayal flashed through her mind like lightning bolts. Her old wounds had been ripped open, and she now bled for the very first time. Sara’s anger over her mother’s death had finally come to the surface. Losing her mom, being abandoned, going through life afraid and alone, seeing these terrible visions—they were all just too much for her. And now she must hurt the person she loved most and deliver to awful news that his dad was going to die. How could she ever tell him? Why was she given this enormous burden? At just twenty years old, Sara had the weight of the world on her shoulders. And it was crushing her.

  This pain is unbearable. I can’t go on like this. You win, death. I surrender, she thought.

  The dark cloud that had temporarily lifted once again hung over Sara. And this time, it was there to stay. Death had come to collect her, its clutches tightening around her body and soul. It beckoned her to join it, to escape the agony that was still so much a part of her life. She welcomed its grip.

  Sara flung the covers off and walked in a zombie-like state to the bathroom. She felt cold, dark, and empty inside. She grabbed the bottle of pills out of the medicine cabinet, ready to end her life at last. In the distance, Margaret called out to her: Don’t make the same mistake I did. It doesn’t have to end this way.

  But Sara knew that it did.

  ***

  Chip awoke from his dream visitation with Connor to the sound of his mother’s voice.

  Call Sara. Now.

  He glanced at the clock on his nightstand. It was three a.m. Much too early to call Sara. He would call her in the morning. He stretched, yawned, and rolled over in his bed.

  No. Call her now. It’s urgent.

  Startled, Chip grabbed the phone by his bedside and quickly dialed Sara’s number. It rang several times, but she didn’t answer. The answering machine came on.

  “Sara, it’s Chip,” he said. “Please call me as soon as you get this message.”

  A feeling of fear and doom came over Chip. He hoped Sara was okay. He thought maybe he should go over there to check on her. Yes, he needed to be sure she was okay. He couldn’t fight the terrible sense that something was really wrong. He jumped out of bed and grabbed his jacket. As he reached for his keys off of the hook by the door, the phone rang.

  “Chip? What’s wrong?” Sara asked when he answered. Chip was so relieved to hear her voice. Sara was okay, although she did sound a bit cold and distant. Her voice lacked the love and passion he had enjoyed earlier.

  “I’m okay. I was just worried about you. Is everything all right?”

  “I’m fine,” Sara lied. “Why would you think something was wrong?”

  “I got a bad feeling you were in danger,” Chip explained. “When you didn’t answer, I got really worried and was about to come over there. Are you sure you’re okay?”

  “Yes. I’m fine,” she said, her voice quivering.

  “Then why do you sound like that?”

  Sara was silent. Then Chip heard soft sobs. She was crying.

  “Oh, Sara. Whatever it is, everything will be okay.”

  “No, it won’t,” she cried. “I had another one of my death visions. It was horrifying. I can’t do this anymore, Chip. It’s too hard.”

  “I’m on my way,” Chip said.

  “No, please don’t come here,” she protested. “I’m a mess. I don’t want you to see me like this.”

  “I insist. I can’t leave the woman I love all alone feeling this way. I’ll be there in fifteen minutes.”

  “Okay,” she gulped.

  Chip headed out the door, remembering his talk with Connor and the yellow ribbon he had given him. What the hell did that mean? He would have to unravel the mystery later. Sa
ra needed him.

  ***

  With her hands trembling, Sara dumped the pills she still held into the toilet. Another suicide attempt interrupted. What she didn’t understand was how could Chip have known? What prompted him to call her at the exact moment she was about to take her life? Was he psychic, too? She knew he would be better off without her. But hearing his voice on the answering machine made her long to see him again. She couldn’t fight the powerful force that was drawing him to her. She should have never gotten involved with him. He was already being dragged into the darkness with her, and that angered her. She meant him no harm. She wanted to protect him from a life of suffering and sadness. Being with her would only cause him distress. Eventually, he would be too wrapped up in it to escape. She couldn’t do that to him. She had to spare him from the despair. Sara would allow herself one last night with him, but tomorrow she would kill herself. It was the only way to save them both. The doorbell interrupted her thoughts. Chip had arrived.

  She headed to the front door to let him in, but not for too long. She had to proceed with her plans as soon as possible.

  “Oh, Sara,” he said sympathetically. He wrapped his arms around her and kissed her softly. She became limp in his arms and began to cry.

  “I’m glad you’re here,” she said.

  “Do you want to talk about it? The vision?”

  “No, Chip, I don’t.”

  “Tell me what you need. Can I get you some tea or something?”

  “I just need you,” she said. “Will you lay in bed with me and just hold me?”

  “Of course.”

  They headed to the bedroom and climbed under the covers. Sara rested her head on his chest, and Chip put his arm around her. They lay there in silence for a long time. She listened to the sweet rhythm of his heartbeat, feeling safe and protected. She wished he could make death go away, but she now knew he couldn’t. Her most recent vision was proof of that. She observed his breath on her neck as he nuzzled closer. Chip was a wonderful, kind, passionate man. It’s too bad things weren’t different. She loved him so much. But love couldn’t save her. Nothing and no one could save her. She could, however, save him. By leaving not only his life but hers as well. He would be free from her clutches. Free to find a woman who could make him happy. Someone who wasn’t burdened by grief and despair. Chip deserved that. Sara was thankful to have one last night with him before leaving it all behind.

  “Make love to me,” she said finally.

  They once again joined together, and Sara relished the joy of their merging. The love she felt when they were together was like a drug that produced the highest high she had ever experienced. It was pure ecstasy. How was it possible to feel this good with him and so terrible the rest of the time? Sara would never know.

  “I love you,” Chip said. “Are you better now?”

  “Yes.”

  “I’m staying here tonight,” he announced. “I’ll make you breakfast. Tomorrow’s Saturday, so I’ll stay all day if you need me to.”

  “That’s not necessary,” she said firmly.

  “I insist.”

  “No, really, Chip,” she said nervously. “I have things to do.”

  But Chip didn’t take no for an answer. Sara wondered if he could see right through her. Did he suspect she was about to kill herself? Or was he just worried about her? She knew one thing for certain: this man wasn’t going to let her go easily.

  “You can trust me, you know,” he said. “I would never do anything to hurt you. And I will do everything in my power to protect you.”

  “I know that,” she admitted. “That’s what I’m afraid of.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I mean you can’t protect me from everything, but I know you’ll try. That scares me, Chip. I don’t want you to get hurt. I don’t want to end up hurting you.”

  A lump formed in Sara’s throat. She knew that her death would cause him sorrow, and she hated that thought. She had no desire to hurt the man she loved. He was her everything. She wanted desperately to remain there with him. However, she was powerless against death’s calling. She had already suffered through his father’s agonizing demise and her mother’s shocking betrayal in her vivid vision. That had put her over the edge. The urge to kill herself was unpredictable, uncontrollable. It often came on with a vengeance and struck her with little or no warning. And this time it struck hard.

  “Sara, you’re a kind, gentle person with a good heart. You could never hurt me,” he said, planting a soft kiss on her forehead. “The only thing that would hurt is not spending the rest of my life with you. I need you, Sara.”

  Sara swallowed hard. He wanted to spend his life with her. She wanted that, too. He needed her. She wanted to give him so much more than she was able. She wanted to give him a happy life, full of her unconditional love and affection. But in that moment, all she had to offer was a heads-up about his father’s impending death. Why was life so unfair?

  A tear trickled down Sara’s cheek and she felt overwhelmed with emotion. As usual, Chip noticed right away. “Sara, please talk to me,” he urged. “I think you should tell me about your vision.”

  “I can’t,” she said. “It will hurt too much.”

  “You’re already hurting,” he said. “How could telling me hurt more? It may help to get it off your chest.”

  “It will hurt you,” she said softly.

  “Me?” he asked, confused. “I can handle death, Sara. What I can’t handle is you not opening up to me. I don’t want you to feel this way. I’m a therapist, remember? People talk to me about their problems all the time. And they say I help them. It’s frustrating that I can help complete strangers, but the woman I love won’t let me help her. Please, Sara, let me help you. Trust me.”

  “I do trust you, Chip,” Sara said. “But this vision is different. I guarantee it will hurt and upset you. I don’t want to be the cause of your pain.”

  “You can’t blame yourself for something you have no control over, Sara,” Chip said. “Truth is always better than secrets.”

  Sara was quiet. Was he right? Should she tell him about his dad? Maybe she should ask him about his father first. It’s possible he already knew his dad was ill. Maybe he was prepared for this moment.

  “Chip, can I ask you something?”

  “Sure. Anything.”

  “What is your father like? I’d love to meet him.”

  “Why are you changing the subject?” he snapped, pulling away from her.

  Dammit. That backfired, Sara thought. All I did was make him angry. Maybe I should just tell him.

  “I… I… um… Crap, this is hard,” she cried, bursting into tears.

  “I’m sorry, babe,” he said sympathetically. He brushed his hand across her cheek. “I didn’t mean to snap at you. I’m just feeling frustrated.

  Chip rolled her over and pulled her close. He kissed her lips, and she felt her body tingle. It was as if a powerful force field of positive energy surrounded them. She had to admit, they were good together. Their connection seemed to neutralize the negative, destructive forces that threatened Sara’s heart and soul.

  “It’s just… that… what I’m about to tell you… It will… change… your life,” she stammered.

  “All the more reason to share it with me,” he said.

  Sara closed her eyes and paused, preparing herself for the dreadful moment when she would tell Chip about his father. “It’s your dad,” she said finally, holding her breath. “My vision was about him.”

  “Oh my God, Sara. No wonder you’re upset. What’s wrong with my dad? Did you see his… Oh my God. No. It can’t be.”

  “Yes, Chip, I saw your father’s death. I felt what he felt—the agonizing pain, his love for you and your mom. It was terrible.”

  “How? When?”

  “I don’t know when, but your father is going to have a heart attack soon. I’m sorry, Chip.” She hugged him hard and tried to comfort him. She felt his body tremble and heard his
silent sobs of sorrow. After a few minutes, he dried his eyes and looked at her seriously.

  “I want you to spend the day with me tomorrow,” he said. “We’ll go visit my dad, so you can meet him. I’ll take you to lunch and to the park. Life is too short. We need to take time for the ones we love while we still have the chance.”

  “Okay,” she agreed. “I’ll spend the day with you. I would love to meet your dad.”

  It was the least she could do after breaking the sad news to him. Sara had to comfort Chip now. Just one more thing to do before she left this wretched world for good. She couldn’t just abandon him now.

  “Good,” he said. “Now let’s try to get some sleep. We have a big day ahead of us tomorrow.”

  Chip and Sara snuggled close, comforting each other with their warm bodies. She had to admit, it felt reassuring to have him near. It wasn’t long before she heard his breathing slow and knew that he was fast asleep. Even with Chip by her side, the lingering pain in her heart remained. She closed her eyes, hoping to escape. But instead of taking refuge into the comfort of a restful slumber, she found herself standing inside an empty cave. Its dark walls surrounded her, and the damp chill in the air cut straight to her bones. She heard nothing but the steady dripping of water from the stalactites overhead. The sound echoed through the cave, amplifying the emptiness. An unnerving loneliness haunted her, and it compelled her to explore the tunnels despite the apprehension she felt.

  Sara walked cautiously through the passageways in search of something, anything that would explain why she was there. Was someone about to die? Was this another vision? As she traveled deeper and deeper into the darkness, she heard a woman’s sobs. She could hardly make out the figure sitting on a rock with her face buried in her hands. But she could feel the woman’s pain. It was the most violent, dreadful suffering she had ever experienced. Like a million needles piercing every fiber of her being, twisting and turning inside until there was nothing left. Sheer hell. Sheer torture. And it was relentless.