Always Beautiful

by Oien, M. K

  It was Friday afternoon and I was just getting home from the library after studying for a test the following week. The only other thing that I focused on besides Zeppelin was school and surprisingly I was excelling so far. I ambled up the steps to my apartment, clutching my books to my chest. I went to stick my keys in the door when it flew open, startling me.

  Hannah smiled widely at me, her eyes sparkling excitedly. “Jesus Hannah, you scared the shit out of me!” I exclaimed as I stepped into the apartment. “Sorry Lucky, I heard you coming.” She said as she closed the front door behind her. I set my books down on my small dining table and glanced at the kitchen counter. A large box of pizza sat atop it with a six pack of our favorite fruity beer.

  I raised a brow at Hannah. “What are you doing here?” I asked skeptically as I set my purse down next to my books and kicked off my shoes. Hannah shrugged. “I was thinking we could have a girl’s night. You know toenail painting, crappy movies, greasy food, and alcohol.” She said as she picked up the pizza box and made her way to the living room. I shook my head as I grabbed the six-pack and followed her. It was pointless to argue with her.

  Hannah turned on my stereo and then came to sit on the floor with me, placing the pizza on the coffee table. I pulled out a bottle from the case and twisted off the top, taking a long pull. I had a feeling I would need the buzz to get through the night with her. She had been subtly pushing me to talk to her, but I couldn’t. I felt like if I admitted the pain I felt then it would make it more real.

  “How’s school going?” Hannah asked as she picked up a slice of pizza. I shrugged. “It’s school. I’m not really learning anything I don’t already know yet.” I grabbed a piece of pizza and took a bite of the greasy, cheesy food that was meant to make me feel better. In actuality, I just felt nauseas and in no mood to fake conversation. I set the pizza down and grabbed my drink.

  “You better finish that pizza.” Hannah said sternly. I swallowed my drink and frowned at her. “Don’t give me that look Lucky Harris!” She scoffed. “I’ll be damned if I’m going to sit here and watch my best friend sink deeper into depression.” “Maybe you should leave then.” I said simply and pushed the pizza farther away from me.

  Hannah sighed heavily and set her own slice of pizza aside. “You need to talk about this Lucky. It’s eating away at you. I’ve known you long enough to notice that. I’m worried about you.” I began shaking my head and buried my face in my hands. I knew that Hannah was just trying to help me. I didn’t like who I was becoming either.

  I wished that just talking about it could fix the problem but it was far more complicated than that. Saying how sad I was, how disappointed I felt and admitting my fear for Zeppelin wouldn’t change a damn thing. I hadn’t heard from him at all. I wondered sometimes if he asked about me. I just wanted to know if he was getting better and I wanted to know if he was scared like I was for him.

  Of course he had been through this before, but I was sure that didn’t make it any less terrifying. I knew that he wasn’t alone. His parents were more than likely by his side. I just wished that I could be there too. I wanted to help him in any way possible. He didn’t want me though and that killed me. Letting out a heavy breath, I lowered my hands and looked at my best friend.

  “I miss him Hannah.” I said quietly. “I want to be with him so fucking bad.” I felt tears burning my eyes as I continued to speak. “Why can’t I be with him?” I cried. “Why Hannah?” I began sobbing, the tears poured down my face and there was no use trying to stop them now.

  Hannah got up from the floor and crouched beside me. Her arms wrapped around me in a crushing hug and I leaned into her. “It’s okay Lucky. It’s going to be okay, you have to believe that.” She said softly as she rubbed my back gently. I shook my head against her.

  “It won’t be okay Hannah. This isn’t ever going to be okay until I see him again. I have to know that he will get better. What if he dies?” I pulled out of her embrace and looked at her. “This last summer, what was the purpose of all of it if he dies? It would be for nothing.”

  She placed a hand on my shoulder. “You can’t think like that. It will all work out. You just have to keep faith.” She said. “I have to see him. At the very least, I need to talk to him. Just for a moment. I can’t bare this any longer. The unknown is far more painful than facing the truth.” I told her.

  “What can you do Lucky? Zeppelin told the guys not to tell you anything. He doesn’t want you worried about him.” “He doesn’t get to decide what I worry about.” I said. “Zeppelin left me. He broke my heart. He has no right to take my feelings in to consideration when he didn’t care about them a month ago.”

  Hannah sighed and shifted her gaze out toward the large living room window. “I’m not going to tell you what you should or shouldn’t do. You’re my best friend Lucky and I support you no matter what.” I nodded. “Thank you Hannah. I appreciate you being her for me, I really do. I’m sorry I told you to leave earlier.”

  “No worries chick. I understand and honestly, I don’t know what I would do if I were in your place.” She leaned in and hugged me again. “I have to find a way to speak with him or see him. I guess I should talk to Dixon and try to get him to tell me anything first.” I said. Hannah nodded and tucked my hair behind my ear.

  “Whatever you want to do, we’ll do. I need my best friend happy and back to her old self. Let’s just try to have a quiet, relaxing night. You really do need to eat and we can talk more. About whatever you want to. In fact, I planned on calling Josh and telling him that I’m staying the night with you.” Hannah said. I forced a small smile and nodded. A night in with my best friend didn’t seem like a great idea a while ago, but at the moment it seemed perfect; Funny how a change in plans always seemed to turn out better than what I originally thought.

  I woke up Saturday morning to Hannah’s leg over my own. We had fallen asleep sometime around midnight last night after doing all of the things she had planned for us. I actually felt mildly better now that I was able to process my feelings and talk about them with someone. I was now more determined than ever to see Zeppelin and be there for him whether he wanted me to or not. I decided that I would get in touch with Dixon and find out as much as I could about the situation and then I was driving to Seattle.

  Hannah didn’t think it was necessary for me to go there, but I told her that I had to see him. I didn’t want him to just placate me over the phone or worse, hang up on me. I slipped out of bed and made my way to the bathroom to get ready for the day.

  After taking a long, hot shower, my mind felt clearer and I was certain that I was making the right decision. This wasn’t just about me and my piece of mind. It was about Zeppelin’s as well. It had only been a few months with him, but I knew deep down that he couldn’t be happy with walking away from what we shared. It was just too special, too real and honest. Even if I couldn’t be with him as a lover, I wanted to be his friend. To be honest, I needed him in my life. The void I was feeling was just too intense to let go of.

  Hannah was awake when I wandered back in to the bedroom to get dressed. She was sitting on the bed and chewing on her thumbnail. Her eyes met mine and she smiled. “So you’re really going to do this aren’t you?” She asked as I grabbed some clothes and began dressing.

  “Yeah, I have to Hannah.” I replied. “I know. I just wish I could be there with you when you see him. What if it’s too much to handle?” She said. I pulled my t-shirt over my head and shrugged. “I can’t think about what it might be. I just need to be there.” I walked over to my night stand and picked up my phone.

  “I’m going to call Dixon and see if I can figure out where exactly Zeppelin is and how he is doing.” I told her as I walked out into the living room and sat in my favorite green chair by the large window. I took a deep breath and let it out slowly as the phone rang on the other end. Hopefully my cousin would talk to me when I confronted him. Even if he didn’t provide me any information, I was still going up there. It
would just be nice to know where exactly “there” was.

  “What’s up Cuz?” Dixon answered on the fifth ring. “H-Hey Dixon, how’s it going?” I replied. I almost didn’t expect him to answer. “Not too bad. I’m getting ready to head to the shop.” He said. “Cool, listen I need to talk to you…about Zeppelin. I know he doesn’t want me to know anything, but Dixon I need to see him.” I felt the tears forming in my eyes already. I was prepared to beg and plead with him. I was stunned when Dixon spoke again.

  “He’s not doing well Lucky. They said he isn’t very responsive to the treatments right now and the chemotherapy has caused an infection. He’s in the hospital.” He spoke slowly, softly. My breath hitched and a few tears spilled out as I shook my head back and forth. “Why didn’t you tell me anything?” I demanded. My heart was pounding. “I just found out this morning. His mom called me an hour ago.” “Dixon I have to see him. I’m going to Seattle. You need to tell me where he is.” I tried to keep my tone even, but it waivered.

  Dixon sighed heavily and was quiet for a few moments. “Lucky there’s nothing you can do for him. He doesn’t want you crying over him. Why do you want to put yourself in that position?” He asked. I swallowed the lump in my throat and wiped my eyes. “I love him Dixon. I can’t turn my back on him and I won’t let you or anyone stop me.” I said. It was silent between us for a few minutes and my heart started to sink. I really needed my cousin to help me out here. I sent out a prayer that he would see reason.

  “You are a selfless person to take on a great deal of heartache over someone you haven’t known long.” Dixon said quietly. “Meet me at my house in half an hour and pack a bag.” He added. “What?” I was stunned. Dixon sighed. “I know where he’s at and his mom already told me that I was welcome to visit. I’ll take you to Seattle to see him.” He replied. “Thank you Dixon. I love you, thank you for this.” I said quickly as I shot up out of my chair and ran to my room. “No problem cuz. I’ve got plans to change and calls to make. See you soon.” He said before hanging up.

  Hannah stared at me wide-eyed as I crawled under my bed to grab a small suitcase and began erratically filling it with random clothes. I wasn’t sure how long I would be in Seattle. I didn’t know what it would be like at all when we arrived there and I didn’t really care. I was finally going to see Zeppelin and though the entire situation was full of sorrow, for the first time in a month I felt hope.

  I told Hannah about my conversation with Dixon and she helped me pack things that I needed. I was grateful for her level-head. I wouldn’t have even remembered my toothbrush, underwear, or shoes if it wasn’t for her. She offered to drive me to Dixon’s and I was once again reminded at how much love I had for this girl. I would be utterly lost without my best friend.

  When I got to Dixon’s house, he was just finishing packing his own bag. Hannah squeezed me tight and told me to call her once I was able to. With a quick kiss to my cheek she turned and left, promising to let Josh and the other guys know where Dixon and I were headed. I was a bundle of nerves as I sat in the passenger side of the truck. We were headed out on the highway and my thoughts were scattered, trying to imagine what it might be like when I saw Zeppelin again.

  Dixon had told me that he had shaved his head due to the possibility of hair loss during treatment. He also said that Zeppelin told him last week that he had lost some weight and hated that he was too tired to go to the gym. It honestly didn’t matter to me what he looked like as long as I could see him. I hoped that I could talk to him but Dixon said that he might be sleeping.

  He called Zeppelin’s mother to let her know that we were coming to the hospital and would be there in a few hours. I hoped that she wouldn’t be upset that we were invading their time with their son, but she seemed really nice about it. In fact, Dixon said that she was eager to meet me. Apparently Zeppelin talked about me all the time and she wanted to finally put a face to the girl that he called “his angel”. That made me smile and cry at the same time.

  If I were really an angel, I would be able to work a miracle and make him better. I couldn’t do that though and I wasn’t sure if once he found out I went to see him if he would be upset or happy. I stared out the window as cars and trees passed by rapidly. For the second time today, I sent out a prayer that everything would be alright; that all of my hopes and fears, all of my worries and doubts, would be put to rest.

  ~~~

  It was just past one o’clock when we arrived in Seattle. Dixon navigated through the heavy traffic as my knee bounced up and down in eagerness. Now that we were here in the city, my urge to see Zeppelin was in full swing. My mind was focused solely on him and I felt like time was creeping slower and slower the closer we got. After another twenty minutes, we pulled into the parking lot of a large hospital. Dixon dialed Zeppelin’s mother’s number and told her that we were here.

  After giving him instructions on where to go and what floor they were on, he hung up and looked at me. Placing his hand on top of mine, he furrowed his brow. “Are you sure you can handle this?” He asked softly. I nodded as I unbuckled my seatbelt. “I’m ready as I’ll ever be. Dixon I need to do this.” I said. He nodded and removed his hand from mine. Letting out a deep breath, he opened his door. “Let’s do this.” He muttered.

  We entered the hospital and walked into the elevator, heading up to the appropriate floor. Dixon informed me that Zeppelin was sleeping and not very coherent at the moment. He asked me again if this was really what I wanted to do and I told him that it definitely was. My stomach was a bundle of nerves and butterflies and my body trembled in anticipation. When the elevator doors opened, I took a deep and steady breath and stepped out.

  My eyes immediately took in the couple standing next to the nurse’s station. A tall, slender woman with long blonde hair and familiar blue eyes looked directly at me. Her face was solemn for a moment and then a hint of a smile formed on her light pink lips. I knew this was Zeppelin’s mom and I couldn’t help but feel a sense of sadness for her.

  She approached me slowly and without warning, opened her arms and pulled me into a warm hug. Tears began to form and I had to wipe away a few escaped ones as she pulled back to look at me. “You must be Lucky.” She said in a sweet voice. “It’s so nice to finally meet you.” I smiled at her and nodded. “It’s nice to meet you too. Thanks for letting us visit Zeppelin.” I replied. “Of course, my name is Kathryn and this is my husband Henry.” She introduced us and pulled Dixon in for a hug as well.

  “He’s been in and out of sleep all day. They say that the infection was causing some pain for him so he is medicated which makes him drowsy.” Henry told us. “Is it okay if I see him?” I asked meekly. “Yes, you can see him, but just understand that he might not know you are here.” I nodded. “I understand that.” I said.

  Dixon stayed behind with Mr. and Mrs. Rhoades while I was given the go ahead to visit Zeppelin in his room. On shaky legs I made my way down the sterile hallway. The sound of my sneakers echoed against the stark white walls and I attempted to breathe in through my nose and out my mouth. Hospitals didn’t typically cause me to feel ill at ease. I was okay with them obviously or I wouldn’t have chosen a profession in the medical field.

  No, I was simply trying not to panic and let the fear of seeing Zeppelin in a hospital bed overwhelm me. I lifted my head to peer down the hall at the last door on the left. It was open, but no light filtered through. Why would he need a light when sleeping? As I began to get closer, my heart rate spiked and I continued my breathing routine. He needs me. He needs me. I said over and over in my head. That thought is what carried me the rest of the way. Before I knew it, I was standing outside the open door, my fingers twisted in knots in front of me.

  I could hear the low beeping of the monitors that he was hooked up to. I could see the long metal stand that held his IV bag. My eyes focused on the tube that traveled from the bag down to the top of his hand were it was inserted in his skin. I took in a sharp breath and felt the tears. My firs
t thought was that maybe I couldn’t do this. My second thought was that I had to do this.

  If I walked away now I would feel far more pain than when the time came that I had to say goodbye. I wanted to soak in whatever amount of time we had left to be with each other. Whether he was awake or not, I knew this was where I was supposed to be. I inhaled a deep breath and let it out slowly. My stomach coiled and tightened, bile began to rise in my throat. I stepped forward into the dark, my legs still trembling, my hands still knotted tightly.

  I kept my eyes on his large hand with the IV in it. His long fingers were slightly bent. I tried to push the sound of the beeping machine to the back of my mind. Just a little further and I would be able to touch him. My hand loosened its hold from the other and I reached out. I gasped as I felt his soft skin beneath my fingertips. He was warmer than I expected.

  Lying in this hospital bed, lifeless to the naked eye, I assumed he would be cold like the air in the room. He wasn’t at all. I ran my fingers along the top of his hand and then slid them over his, interlocking them. Squeezing gently, my heart hummed a steady rhythm. My shoulders relaxed a bit and I shifted my gaze to his chest which was covered with a pale blue quilt. It looked to be hand-made and much softer than what the hospital would offer. His parents must have brought it for him.

  Fear overtook me again as my eyes wandered up his chest, toward his neck. I knew that when I saw his face, so peaceful in rest, that I would lose control of my tears. I wished like hell that I could see those blue eyes again, to feel the heat of his gaze as he took me in, to feel his full lips against mine.

  Zeppelin looked very peaceful and a little pale when I finally rested my gaze upon his face. His lips were slightly parted, his long, dark lashes fanned out atop his somewhat sunken in cheeks. He had dark stubble along his jaw and around his mouth. It was clear that he had lost some weight and his head was covered in a light dusting of light brown hair. Just as I knew they would, tears began to spill on to my cheeks and my vision blurred.