Growing Up on the Spectrum

by Lynn Kern Koegel

  Is it okay that all of my son’s friends are outside of school? He’s not close to anyone in his classes and sits alone a lot, but no one is mean to him and the school is serving his academic needs very well. He has several good friends who go to other schools. Is that okay or should we be working harder to find friends in his class?

  Kids need to have friends both in school and outside of school. Having said that, I think you need to think about how you’re defining “friends.” If your child is hanging out with other kids during lunch and breaks but just chooses to get together with other friends outside of school, it may not be anything to worry about. However, if your child is spending time off by himself at school, even if the kids aren’t being mean to him, it may mean that he isn’t learning or doesn’t have the prerequisite social skills to have peer relationships. In that case, I would suggest that you talk to your school staff.

  Finally, since we’re talking about middle and high school, think about possible changes in peer groups. If your child is in a new environment or has moved to a new school, he may take a little more time to meld with the other kids. We decided to place our daughter in a small private middle school while all of her best friends went to the large public junior high. It took her many months to adjust to already existing peer cliques and a whole new set of friends. If this is the case with your son, you may want to be a bit more proactive with trying to arrange fun outings for his new subgroup of peers.

  My daughter has always had maturity issues and now that she’s in middle school the kids make fun of her because she’s still interested in childish things, like cartoon characters. Part of me is glad she’s so “young”: I don’t want to see her grow up too quickly and am just as happy not to have her exposed to the sexually themed interests of her peers. But am I being too protective?

  I know it’s difficult for parents to see their children lose their innocence, but your daughter needs to be exposed to age-appropriate materials and items. Mind you, I don’t mean inappropriate materials—I’m often shocked at how many parents think nothing of bringing their twelve-or thirteen-year-olds to R-rated movies full of graphic violence. Similarly, when my children were in third and fourth grades, I was often unpleasantly surprised to see their classmates on “dates” at the movies. We don’t need to encourage or even permit our kids to grow up too fast, but on the other hand, if your daughter only watches kiddie cartoons and she’s in middle school, she probably won’t fit in. So do try to pick replacement activities and suggest she give away or donate all those DVDs with cartoons. Find magazines, CDs, TV shows, and movies that are age appropriate and acceptable for your middle schooler. Other mothers might be a good source of suggestions.

  2. The Art of Conversation

  My son desperately wants to have friends, and we’ve tried hard to put him in situations where he’s likely to make them: team sports, chess clubs, church youth groups, and so on. There are definitely some kids out there who share his interests and who seem as if they might be potential “friend material.” I know my son wants to reach out to them because he’ll talk about them all with great enthusiasm. But when I spy on him in these groups, he’s either completely silent (and therefore ignored), or when he tries saying something, it’s so off topic that the other kids give him strange looks and then go back to ignoring him. How do we keep his delayed conversational skills from ruining his social life?

  CLAIRE

  Take your average kid on the spectrum and put him in a movie theater filled with other kids his age. While they’re watching the movie, ask a friendly stranger if he can identify that child. He probably won’t be able to, although he might make a wild guess or two. The girl who’s nervously biting her nails? Maybe but maybe not. The guy who’s rocking a little in his chair? Could be. Not necessarily, though. The kid who’s staring intently at the movie, so absorbed he seems oblivious to his surroundings? Possibly. But not definitely.

  Okay, now take that same kid and plunk him down at a school lunch table with three other kids from his class who are all chattering away about something—a TV show or a teacher who’s irritating them or a party that’s coming up or maybe just how awful the food is that day. How long do you think it’ll take your imaginary friend to pick out which kid is on the spectrum?

  I’m thinking not long. Chances are he’s going to figure it out pretty quickly, whether it’s because the kid speaks haltingly or because she suddenly starts talking about a completely different topic that no one else seems interested in or because she doesn’t make any eye contact when she’s speaking or because it sounds as if she’s reciting something straight out of a book—and if she’s interrupted, she starts right back at the beginning of the recitation.

  Making social conversation is hard, and it’s even harder if you’re someone who has to learn by rules and guidelines the things that other people have an innate sense for. Chatting is more complicated than you realize: people converse one way when they’re talking to their grandparents and another way when they’re talking to their peers. Conversation is filled with subtle, hard-to-read cues, like the ones that tell you when it’s okay to change the subject and when it’s rude. Sometimes those cues aren’t even oral—they’re just a look or a yawn.

  We parents of kids on the spectrum have all at some point watched our children struggle to keep up with their peers’ conversation. We know what it’s like to see our child try to join in—only to have the other kids roll their eyes at the attempt. We’ve tried to steer our kids into popular interests that will help them make connections, only to hear them instead bring up their one pet obsession over and over again. Those of us who helped teach our kids how to acquire spoken language in the first place (and once swore we’d be happy if we could just hear them say “Mama”) are now just as determined to teach them how to make interesting, age-appropriate small talk and conversation, but are stunned by how challenging and complicated it is to do so.

  How do we solve all the problems so they can really, truly join in?

  DR. KOEGEL

  Making conversation is one of the hardest things for kids on the spectrum. Idioms are confusing to them, small talk can be painful, and initiating a dialogue effortful. Even those college students we’ve worked with who appear totally socially appropriate will usually admit that making conversation is actually excruciatingly difficult for them. But they also say that with practice, it gets easier and can even become enjoyable.

  To help make it easier to work on, I’m going to break down the ability to make conversation successfully into several components. Each component, from initiating a dialogue, to active and engaged listening, to maintaining a longer conversation can be addressed if your child could use improvement in that area. Read on.

  Initiating a Conversation

  Sometimes initiating a conversation—simply getting one started—is the hardest part of making friends, especially for kids on the spectrum. Here are some fairly simple ways to help your child reach out to others throughout the day. Some of these suggestions may seem a bit rudimentary, but kids with social difficulties frequently forget the little basic pleasantries that make a conversation successful, so it’s still worth working on them. It won’t help your child to be able to discuss quantum physics if it doesn’t occur to him first to greet a friend with a pleasant “How’s it going?”

  Greetings

  One easy way to make people feel good is to greet them when they walk into the room—saying “Hi” is just a warm, friendly thing to do. Remind your child to greet his peers—preferably by name—when he sees them for the first time of the day. When you do this, make sure your child is using the same greetings as his peers. We worked with one middle school boy who would walk up to a friend and say, “Hello, Jason Smith, how are you doing today?” While that was polite, and adults appreciated it, the other kids at the school were much more likely to say, “Hey J,” with a quick head nod (the one my husband hated when our daughter’s boyfriends did it to him). Remember, context is important,
and a teenager will and should greet a peer very differently than he would a teacher.

  If your child is a little shaky with his classmates’ names and identities, you may have to get out last year’s yearbook for review or even take some pictures and help him learn to put names with faces.

  And if your child just doesn’t seem to want to greet people, sometimes it’s helpful to connect greeting someone to another activity in his routine, so it becomes automatic. For example, you can teach him that every time he takes his seat, he should say “Hi” to a neighbor, or when he goes to the lunch table, he should say “What’s up?” to a classmate. Even video modeling works to teach greetings, especially if your child is one of those kids who really enjoys watching things on TV or DVDs.

  Asking Questions

  Nothing conveys “I’m interested in starting a conversation with you” like asking a relevant question. You can help your child learn to ask appropriate questions by prompting him. You can start by giving him specific ideas when he’s with you, such as “Can you ask me how my day was?” or “Can you ask me if I’ve seen any good movies lately?” or “Can you ask me what my favorite food is?” You can even pretend to be another kid at school when you do this, if you think the role-playing will help him—and he’s willing to go along with it.

  Questions can be about anything, but keep in mind that some children do better with concrete questions about things they can actually see (“What did your mom pack you for dessert?”) and may be less comfortable with something more abstract. With practice, the more abstract ones will come. And remember, some questions, like “How are you?” are so common that they’re almost expected. And if your child actually waits for an answer, he’s doing better than most people!

  Comments

  Comments are also a good way to get a conversation started. There are many things your child can make a comment about, including his or her favorite anything (“Houston’s is my favorite restaurant”), family (“My little sister drives me nuts”), food (“I hate peanut butter sandwiches”), weekend plans (“We’re going to Disneyland”), weather (“It’s so cold today”), teachers (“Mr. Jones is such a hard grader”), and so on. If your child needs a crutch, have him or her carry a picture in his wallet or her purse of someone special or some place he or she went to show others and then comment on it (this is also useful for individuals with more significant communication challenges).

  If you’re teaching your child to comment, make sure that the comment comes at the right time. Sometimes it’s okay to bring up a new subject, but if there are too many out-of-the-blue comments, it may make your kid seem more awkward. You might want to spend time with your child listening to the conversation going on around her and give her some clues when it’s appropriate to make comments, such as when the other kids are talking about something relevant or if there is a pause in the conversation. And if she does tend to make out-of-the-blue comments, at least ask her to say, “I know this isn’t related to what we’ve been talking about, but who’s the most famous person you’ve ever met?” or any other selected words that will help the conversation transition to a new topic.

  You can also teach your child simply to look around and comment on something he sees around him (“Look at that beautiful Porsche in the parking lot”). This is easy to practice when you’re out and about. It can almost be a game: “Hey, look at that bird! I wonder why it’s flying south right now.” Sort of an adolescent or adult version of I Spy.

  Tag Questions

  If you want to take it one step further, have your child make a comment, then add a tag question. A tag question is simply a short little question added to the end of a sentence that requests information or clarification from another person, and therefore keeps the conversation going. For example, she can say, “She’s a new student, isn’t she?” “You read that book, didn’t you?” “It’s a hot day, isn’t it?” or “I like the food here, how about you?” Simply adding a tag question can get the other person going during the conversation.

  Compliments

  Who doesn’t like a nice (sincere) compliment? Your child can start a conversation and make someone feel good just by saying “Cool jacket” or “Awesome shirt.” You can teach this by picking out something concrete that your child likes about you—maybe something you’re wearing—and prompting her to praise it. But make sure that any comment is sincere—don’t teach your child to say, “I like your shirt,” if she thinks the shirt is ugly. I’ve worked with a few kids who gave too many compliments (this can sometimes be the case when students are getting some type of reward to help them increase the number of compliments they give), and it’s ultimately off-putting.

  For example, we worked with one darling girl who just couldn’t bring herself to talk to other kids. We practiced having her pick out something nice one of us was wearing—a shiny pair of earrings, a pretty, new sweater, or a nice pair of shoes—then had her give a compliment. Pretty soon, she was doing a fantastic job of saying things like, “I like your earrings” or “Are those new shoes? They’re pretty,” and so on.

  Next we suggested that she could give a friend a compliment, and if she tallied the points on the wrist counter we gave her, she could turn them in for small prizes afterward. We sent the wrist counter with her to camp, and she came home every day with fifteen or twenty points. After about three days, I dropped by the camp and watched—with some shock—as she cheerfully put on her watch, went up to another child, and literally bombarded her with compliments. In the first sixty seconds, she said, “I like your earrings, I like your necklace, I like your shoes, I like your shirt, I like your hat, your hair looks nice, your eyes are a pretty color,” and on and on. Then she proudly announced that she had earned all her points.

  We had unintentionally created a situation that was worse than when she wasn’t saying anything at all to the other kids! Fortunately, once I had observed her, we explained to her that sometimes too much of a good thing isn’t better, and that while one compliment may be great, too many is insincere. Make sure you get that message across early on, so you won’t make the mistake we did.

  Maintaining a Conversation

  Once your child knows how to enter into an exchange with a greeting, question, comment, or compliment, he’ll start finding himself committed to conversations he then needs to sustain.

  I’ll often see long awkward pauses and uncomfortable silences when I’m observing adolescents and adults on the spectrum talk to their peers. I’ve even worked with a few individuals who make facial grimaces or stare blankly when it’s their turn to talk—usually because they know that something is now required of them, but they’re not sure what to do or say. Empathetic responding is something we often have to practice, but with practice we usually see very rapid improvements.

  I’ve broken successful responding down into learnable components, as follows:

  Active and Engaged Listening

  Listening seems as if it should be easy for someone on the spectrum—or at least easier than making conversation. All you have to do is stand there, right?

  Not really. When people say they like to be listened to, they also mean they want to feel as if they’re getting comfort and support from the listener. It’s important to be an active and supportive listener. In other words, you can’t just stand there!

  Posture

  Toward that end, pay close attention to body posture and make sure your child is sending the right signal with hers. Some individuals on the spectrum appear to be outright bored when someone else is speaking: they’ll look around, turn and face another direction, and sometimes even walk away when the other person is talking. They have to learn a basic and easy rule: face the person who’s talking and look him or her in the eyes. That will instantly increase the appearance of interest and rapt attention and will make the speaker feel far more listened to.

  Well-timed smiles, frowns, and quizzical expressions also demonstrate a real interest and can be practiced at home. This can be accomplish
ed in several ways, and you’ll have to try them to figure out what works best for your child. The easiest way is to simply let your child know when he does or doesn’t appear to be interested in what you’re saying—make him aware of his affect. You might need to model the desired expressions to help your child really get it and then you can let him know when he’s using the right face. If that doesn’t work, video modeling or self-management is often helpful. (See Section I, Chapter 2 for precise descriptions of how these methods work.) Remember: always focus on the positive, successful moments and reinforce those with praise rather than criticism.

  Learn Appropriate Timing and Cues

  Conversation is filled with subtle cues that your child needs to have explained to her. She’ll need to learn, for example, that if a person has stopped talking and is looking at her, it’s her turn to speak, even if no question has been asked, and that if more than a second or so goes by, the pause will seem painfully long and may reduce the likelihood that the peer will hang in there for more conversation. Similarly, she needs to learn that if she’s spoken without pause for too long a period of time, it’s time to give the other person a chance to speak.

  For kids who are having difficulty maintaining a conversation without long pauses, I often play a game of “How quickly can you answer?” I ask lots of questions and time their responses. If they answer in less than a second, I give them positive feedback. If it takes longer, I have them try again. If your child or adult needs an incentive to keep him motivated, you can work up one together. Video modeling also works well, so he can see which areas need work. By videotaping your child, you can figure out exactly where the problems are.