Growing Up on the Spectrum

by Lynn Kern Koegel

  Talking one-on-one is much easier for me (which I am sure it is for most people) because then you do not have to worry as much about interrupting others, and it is easier for you to know when it is your turn to say something.

  Sometimes it is harder for me to understand what people are saying because they slur their words, they talk too fast or too slowly, or they are from another country and do not know a lot of English. When I encounter a group of people, the only conversations I find boring are the ones that have to do with sports, about other kids who I do not know, TV shows that bore me, or if a conversation is way too much about video games. It is hard for me to be involved because I could not say anything about those kids, and I also do not know much about sports and find them incredibly boring. I also do not like to join conversations that include mean kids who make fun of me a lot.

  I do like to join conversations about celebrities, music, cities, computers, theme parks, gossip, The Simpsons TV show, sometimes video games, sometimes politics, or about kids I know. I am a huge theme park fan (as I probably said before) and like roller coasters and other thrill rides. I also am a huge entertainment fan and like movies, music, and talking about how great or screwed up some celebrities can be. I am also a big Simpsons fan and like to talk about that with others, especially the fact that my dad is a writer for the show. I am also into computers, Web sites, and animation and like to talk about that kind of stuff as well. I also like to talk about video games I like and sometimes about the 2008 election going on (right now as I write).

  Whenever I am talking to a group of friends, however, I try not to make them talk about what I like to talk about too much. I want to be flexible and talk with other friends about what they are interested in, but at the same time, some topics can be boring, so then I start to talk about something else by politely changing the subject and not interrupting anyone. For others who struggle making conversation, I would suggest that you find people to talk to who you relate to and who are nice. That way, it will be much easier to make conversation and have fun with it.

  Frequently Asked Questions

  Now that you’ve made me aware of it, I’m realizing that my son doesn’t ask enough questions. I want to teach him some good, basic questions to start conversations with—or to keep one going—but I keep drawing a blank. Can you help me out here?

  Below are some topic areas and examples of the questions your child could ask within that area. This may seem a little basic, but in my experience the biggest hurdle for kids with social difficulties is making simple conversation, so it’s worth making sure yours has mastered these social pleasantries. I’ve listed a few really common topics to get you started.

  • Past and future activities. People ask lots of questions about past activities: “Did you go on vacation?” “Did you watch TV?” (or any specific shows), “Have you read any good books lately?” “Have you seen X movie?” “What did you do over the weekend?” “What are you going to do this weekend?” “Do you want to hang out this weekend?” And so on.

  • Sports. Many people are either into sports or play sports. You can have your child ask about particular games or what kind of sports the other person does. “Do you play any sports?” “Did you see the Lakers game last Sunday?” “Do you want to play basketball at lunch?”

  • School. If you have a middle schooler, high schooler, or college student, school is always a relevant topic area. Kids talk about teachers, classes, and curricula: “Have you ever had Mrs. X’s class?” “Don’t you think Coach X is tough?” “Who’s your favorite teacher this semester?” “How did you like the lecture in history today?” “What classes are you taking this quarter?” These questions usually lead to long conversations.

  • Food. This is probably the most popular topic in middle and high school lunch periods, but it also works for adults in restaurants and general conversation: “What are you having for lunch?” “Do you like what your mom packs?” “Do you want a cookie?” “Do you like tuna, because I don’t!”

  • Favorites. You can really find out a lot about someone by asking about their favorites, for example, “What’s your favorite TV show/movie/book /holiday?” and so on. Even a question as simple as “What’s your favorite color?” can lead to an interesting conversation.

  My daughter is quite verbal and very comfortable expressing herself in a conversation—maybe a little too comfortable. She’s so assertive about her own opinions—even and especially when they’re different from those expressed by the person she’s talking with—that she turns people off. She doesn’t do it to be disagreeable—she just thinks she’s carrying her side of the conversation. But I’ve seen her peers lose patience with all that contradiction. Any advice?

  This is another excellent opportunity to use video modeling to make it clear to your child what the problem is.

  We once worked with a young man named Adam, whose mother was concerned because he stayed on the Internet in his room all day long and she really wanted him to make friends. Unfortunately, his peers weren’t crazy about him. We videotaped him making conversation and when we analyzed his tapes, we found that in general, he engaged in quite intelligent, interesting, and captivating conversation. The only problem? He was often unintentionally rude.

  The rudeness was really argumentativeness. For example, if Adam said that he didn’t like Greek food and the person he was talking to said that she liked it, Adam would go into a lengthy diatribe about everything not to like about Greek food. For some reason, he couldn’t just accept a different opinion. If his favorite color was blue and someone else’s was red, Adam seemed to feel he had to argue about why blue was the better color.

  Since the initial intervention goal was to make him aware he’s often unnecessarily argumentative, we began by pointing out the moments in the tape when he was being pleasant and a good listener, and then moved on to more problematic examples. Adam wasn’t thrilled with this part of the process, but eventually he did come to recognize how uncomfortable it made other people when he “attacked” them for their opinions or simply insisted that his own opinion was superior. As we often see with our kids, just being aware of the problem helped him to overcome it, which is why the video modeling works so well.

  When my daughter tries to maintain eye contact, she opens her eyes a little too wide and tries a little too hard. Any advice on keeping it natural?

  Again, she’ll need feedback, but try to focus on the positive. Emphasize the times when she does use great and natural eye contact. Self-management or video modeling may work well for her if the feedback isn’t enough.

  When my child is talking to a friend or a group of friends, should I prompt her then? Or fade back? I worry that she’s not making conversation “the right way” yet, and I know I could whisper some good questions to ask—but I never know if I should when other people are around.

  This is a good question, and it depends on the situation. But first, I would recommend not whispering. That is likely to draw more attention to your child. Generally, we try to make a more subtle comment like “Oh, Kiki, did you hear that? Samantha loves cooking; that’s just like you. I wonder what she likes to cook.” If you feel that even that is too intrusive, you and your child may need to practice at home. Finally, if she just isn’t getting it, you may want to recruit a few peers to help out, as long as you’re comfortable letting them know your child needs some extra support. Tell them what you’re working on and ask them if they could give your child some gentle, helpful feedback. All kids give their peers feedback—whether they want it or not—so you’re just asking them to help in specific areas.

  I’ve noticed that most of my son’s peers are kind of rude: they use a lot of swear words and can be downright insulting to one another. I want my son to fit in and be “one of the gang” but I really hesitate to teach him to talk like that. What would you suggest?

  Let’s think about swearing from an intellectual point of view. Most adults swear when they’re frustrated or angry and ar
e unable to control their emotions. They know it’s taboo and inappropriate and would never do it in a business meeting or with friends, but when a car cuts them off or they drop something precious, those expletives just explode uncontrollably. And physiologically, that’s exactly what happens. A different part of the brain seems to process those emotional words that come out in a crisis situation, as opposed to when you’re intentionally formulating a word or group of words. That’s why they just seem to slip out.

  Now take the swearing teens do. It isn’t accidental and unintentional—swear words regularly serve as adjectives, nouns, and verbs in teens’ communication. That’s all a part of trying to fit in, be cool, and deliberately flirt with what’s taboo. But it appears that once the kids start using the swear words in their intentional communication, it becomes a habit and it’s more difficult not to use those words in other contexts when it isn’t appropriate. So I would say don’t encourage it. Let your son know that the other kids will stop swearing when they grow up. And be a good role model. Don’t let those unintended words slip out in your own vocabulary. Teach your child to expand his vocabulary with interesting and unique words that aren’t offensive. And finally, remind him that swearing is offensive to some people.

  My daughter is basically a sponge: she can memorize anything. The problem is, she treats a lot of conversation like a script she can’t deviate from. So, for example, if someone asks where she lives, she’ll launch into the exact address, complete with zip code, and then give directions to get there—and if anyone tries to cut her off before she’s gotten through the whole recitation, she’ll start all over again from the beginning! How do we teach her to approach conversation more fluidly?

  Your daughter may be a great candidate to work on the topic➔more information➔feeling that we discussed on page 64. By using this system, she’ll be able to figure out exactly the important parts of the conversation that are meant to be shared. Don’t forget, though: if there’s some way to work her ability to absorb information around to her advantage, find it. A club, recreational, or work setting where memorization would be a useful tool may be the perfect place for her.

  Summary

  We’ve spent a lot of time and pages on social conversation because it’s so incredibly crucial to forming friendships—and it becomes more important as people get older. Because it tends to be one of the hardest areas for someone on the spectrum to master, social conversation often demands a huge amount of effort and focus, but don’t even think about neglecting it. Being able to carry on a pleasant conversation ties into everything your child will need and want in the future, from romantic relationships to jobs to academic success to feeling comfortable out and about in the world.

  3. Outings and Get-togethers

  My teenage daughter is getting too old to still have playdates at home with dad always hovering nearby—all the kids in her class meet at the mall and the movie theater and places like that. I want her to join them, but she’s not used to going out on her own and, frankly, I’m not sure she’s ready. On the other hand, it would probably be social suicide for her to be the only kid hanging out with a parent at her side—nor do I particularly want to spend my limited free time with a bunch of thirteen-year-olds. Help!

  CLAIRE

  Andrew was very eager to go out alone with friends once he was in middle school, but I have to admit that I had some concerns about letting him be alone in public places without an adult supervising. We gave him a cell phone and told him we expected him to check in at regular intervals—usually every hour on the hour because that was easy to remember, or if he was seeing a movie, right before going into the cinema and right after coming out. I explained that his future independence would be based on how responsible he was. If he called us at the expected times and let us know everything was fine, then we’d allow him greater freedom in the future.

  For those first few outings, we also made sure a trustworthy adult was somewhere nearby with a cell phone. Nothing ever went wrong, but I felt better knowing that if anything did, someone I trusted could be there almost immediately.

  Andrew turned out to be remarkably responsible about calling at the set times (a definite advantage to his being a rule follower!) and I really did feel fine about letting him go for longer and longer periods without checking in. Which isn’t to say that there weren’t times when he forgot to call and I tried him and somehow he didn’t hear the phone ring and I ended up pacing the floor, feeling frantic. (I learned to insist he always keep the phone on both vibrate and ring.) Overall, though, he did a good job of staying in touch. I feel strongly that for any kid it’s important to make the connection between responsibility and independence—that is, the former “buys” you the latter.

  We have had occasional problems arise when Andrew has gone places without us, but nothing that we haven’t been able to discuss and resolve later. For example, one friend talked him into cutting in line at a theme park, and they so annoyed some people that Andrew almost ended up in a fistfight. Fortunately, we found out about it and let Andrew know that that behavior was absolutely unacceptable. We made it clear it would be the end of his going without us to theme parks unless he gave us his word he would never cut in line again.

  We still try to get Andrew to schedule specific activities with his friends, for example, dinner and a movie rather than just hanging out, but at least now we feel he’s had enough experience out alone in the real world to navigate most tricky situations without our constant interference.

  Dr. Koegel, of course, has more specific advice on the subject. Read on.

  DR. KOEGEL

  When you’re ready to encourage your child to be a little more independent and feel she’s capable of going out with a friend without direct parental supervision, here are some suggestions for making it work. Your goal is to get your child used to going out with others (to malls, movie theaters, and so on) without you at her side—but also without getting into trouble. Don’t forget that store owners and security cops eye teenagers with real suspicion, and if your child has an uncommon affect, she may draw an even greater scrutiny. Adolescents and young adults have to be better behaved and more careful than other age groups because they’re watched so closely and with such wariness.

  We know one teenager who got his mother’s permission to leave the large warehouse store where she was shopping and go for a stroll. When he later tried to rejoin her, the security guard refused to let him in without a membership card and threatened to have him escorted off the premises when he tried to explain he needed to get in because his mother was expecting him. It eventually occurred to the boy that he could call his mother on her cell phone, but only after he tried sneaking in behind another customer and got a huge tongue-lashing from the guard. If the boy had been eight and separated from his mother, the guard would probably have been sympathetic, but she was deeply mistrustful of a teenager.

  So how do you make sure that your child navigates the real world successfully when he’s out on his own or with a friend or two? Once again, structure is your friend. The rules for a successful independent outing are similar to the rules for parties: make sure the outing involves a specific activity your child likes and is competent at and that will provide enough structure to minimize the social stress for him. And keep the outings short and sweet.

  We’ve all heard about teens who get into trouble at the mall, so don’t drop your kid off for hours on end without any type of supervision. That’s just asking for trouble—even if your child doesn’t have special needs. If she is going to a mall or similar place, make sure she has enough to do while there to fill up the hours and won’t be vulnerable to bad ideas because of boredom or lack of supervision.

  Staying in Touch

  One advantage we parents have today that previous generations didn’t have is the ability to stay in constant touch with our kids through cell phones or text messaging. One of the best ways to navigate the stage where your kid is too old to have a parent guide him around, but t
oo young (at least developmentally) to be completely independent, is to provide him with a cell phone and then make sure that a responsible adult is within a block or two of where he’s hanging out. Then you can have regular checkins (or just save it for emergencies), knowing that help is at hand should he need it.

  Discuss All the Rules

  Before letting your child go alone to stores and movies, talk to him about behaviors that can lead to trouble. I was very surprised when my daughters told me that one or two of their classmates stole things in malls. These were nice kids from nice families who could afford the items they stole, but they were doing it to impress their peers. Other kids will brag about paying for a PG-rated movie and then ducking into an R-rated one, or just seeing two movies for the price of one. Talk with your child about behaviors like these and how important it is to be an honest person and how some inappropriate behaviors are really inconsiderate to other people. Make it clear that someone usually has to pay for other people’s dishonesty, that nothing in life is actually free. Reinforce his sense of empathy.

  Even if your child doesn’t want to “discuss” these things, you can still drop in a sentence or two to let her know about what is expected and appropriate behavior. You can say something like “It’s too bad so many store owners at malls don’t like teenagers, but I guess all teens aren’t as nice as you and your friends. Some of them steal things.” Even if this doesn’t lead to a discussion, your child will get the message. Again, gradually help her to become independent and praise her for her successes.