Growing Up on the Spectrum

by Lynn Kern Koegel

  Now, if you do find out that kids are drinking at your house, you’ll need to confiscate the alcohol. Do this matter-of-factly. Don’t yell, don’t give them a lecture, and certainly don’t make them feel guilty. If you make a big deal about it in front of your child, it will be hard for her to face her friends the next day. Simply tell them that you’re sorry, but you would feel terrible if they were involved in a drunk-driving accident or were picked up by their parents while they were under the influence. Let them know you think they’re great kids and you want to have them back but suspect that their parents won’t let them return if they’ve been drinking at your house. And if they choose not to come back to your house again because you took their alcohol away, then they were there for the wrong reasons.

  The Value of Consistency

  Remember, kids don’t turn into adolescents in one day. It happens gradually; and if you have always been consistent about curfews, rules—including the facts that kids can’t have parties at your house unless an adult is present and that no alcohol is allowed—and so on, it won’t come as a big surprise to them during the high school years.

  You also need to talk openly with your children about the effects that alcohol and drugs have on people. Talk about the family member who drinks too much and tells personal things that shouldn’t be told. Talk about the friend who drinks too much and stumbles around. Talk about people you know who started out drinking socially in high school and now have such serious problems with alcohol that no one wants to be around them. Real stories they can relate to will help your child learn about the consequences of these behaviors.

  Keep Parties Short

  Let’s face it. Your adolescent is having social difficulties, so for him to maintain the interaction is hard work. No one wants hard work to go on for too long! And all kids can get into trouble if they have too much idle time on their hands. Keeping a party short takes the pressure off your child, provides fewer opportunities for troublemaking, and makes the kids want to come back for more great fun. And as the mother in the example above discovered, it can keep your kid from wandering off to do something else when he feels he’s had enough.

  Enlist Some Cool Help

  If you have access to any young and popular adult—a college student or cousin or anyone like that—you might want to see if he or she can help out at the party, so there’s an adult keeping a watchful eye on things who doesn’t seem parental or controlling. Teenagers tend to admire college students much more than anyone with graying hair!

  Party Ideas

  Here are some suggestions for successful parties, based on ones we’ve helped with or observed. Don’t limit yourself to these ideas. The point is simply to seize opportunities and focus on activities and areas that will show your child at her best and play to her strengths.

  For the Kid Who Loves TV

  Most kids have an interest in sports, so centering a party around a game is a great way to bring a group together. Show a game on the TV in your living room and serve pizza, popcorn, and other fun snacks. (This type of event has the added benefit of being fairly simple to prepare for and execute.)

  We worked with one college student with Asperger’s syndrome who regularly watched a popular reality show, but he always watched alone and didn’t have friends. Jason’s interventionist—a graduate student—decided to use his interest to create a social event, so she told him to invite some friends over to watch the show at her apartment. Before the show, they made popcorn and bought sodas. She invited some undergraduate students she knew and supported Jason when he invited a few of his Facebook friends to come along. There was just a handful of guests at the first few “reality parties” but the number rapidly grew until close to a dozen kids attended. Watching the show allowed Jason to interact with other students in a comfortably predictable way (talking about the show and guessing what would happen next week) without having to engage in a sustained original conversation, which had always been difficult for him. It also allowed his clinician to observe his peer interactions and provide specific feedback and suggestions for improvement.

  Of course, the entertainment doesn’t have to be a reality show. You can have weekly get-togethers to watch a sports event or any other popular show. The main idea here is that the kids are getting together in a more structured way so that the social demands aren’t as high.

  For the Kid Who Loves Food

  If your adolescent is involved in a sport, club, or school activity, offer to host a meeting or group get-together at your home. (End-of-the-season team celebrations are a perfect example.) Food is always a crucial part of any party for kids, and it can even be an excuse for a party, in and of itself. The mother of one of our adolescents with Asperger’s syndrome decided to throw a party for a group of girls, and she got them together with her daughter to draw up the guest list, plan the menu, help cook the food, and then serve at the party. The activities were all specific and fun, so her daughter was able to interact comfortably with the other girls while they planned. She had the girls invite their families to the party, and that led to reciprocal invitations and deeper friendships.

  Another student we worked with threw a pizza party. Johnny’s mom made the pizza dough, rolled it out into the pans, and each of his friends brought a favorite ingredient for topping the pizza (veggies, pepperoni, olives, and so on). Rolling out and topping the pizza kept everyone engaged and happy—as did eating it. Another middle school girl had a sundae party where each of the girls piled loads of special toppings on her ice cream. Along with that, they made sugar cookies with rolled-out dough and cookie cutters, which kept them busy for hours.

  For the Kid Who Loves Movies

  Jenna’s parents planned a regular Scary Saturday, when they would show mildly scary movies a couple of times a month. The kids (both girls and boys) would huddle in front of the television and scream loudly (and joyfully) whenever an unexpected creature popped out of a closet. The parents happily endured the painfully loud screaming, since it was well worth ringing ears to see their kid with a group of friends every week.

  Movie nights are an especially easy way to get a child on the spectrum involved with kids his age, since the need to chat is limited and the kids can sit in companionable silence while they’re watching the action. And even after the movie is over, or the next week, the kids can talk about their favorite scenes.

  For the Kid Who Loves to Swim

  Dana lived in a condominium with a pool and Jacuzzi. Although his parents had invited kids over to swim with him, we noticed that interacting was awkward, and the kids always ended up lingering at opposite ends of the pool. So we decided to add some structure to the activity by teaching Dana some pool games. We taught him how to dive for coins, race across the pool, play Marco Polo and other simple water games. His parents bought a floating basketball hoop and some pool noodles. Having specific activities for the pool made a huge difference in how much he interacted with his guests and kept the awkwardness at bay.

  Again, with a little thought and a bit of planning, you can find something your child is good at or enjoys, and structure a group activity around it to greatly increase his or her chances of having a positive group social interaction.

  CLAIRE

  When Leo finished his kindergarten year, he begged me to throw a party for the kids who rode on his bus. I contacted the bus driver, who was amenable, and he drove all the kids to our house for a couple of hours of junk food and running around the backyard. It allowed us to get to know the other kids on the bus (whom Leo knew incredibly well, since they rode together for over an hour every day, but most of whom I’d never even met), and Leo was proud to be the host and show everyone around his house. It also got his little sister excited about getting to ride the bus one day herself, and ultimately helped her transition to elementary school when the time came.

  An end-of-the-year bus party would never have occurred to me if Leo hadn’t suggested it—and it probably wouldn’t have occurred to Andrew either—so you s
hould really stop to consider whether there are any similar situations you could take advantage of. Adults who run things (such as Girl Scout leaders, team coaches, chess instructors, and so on) are usually incredibly grateful to have another adult participate in celebrating a special event, and it may lend your kid some cachet if the celebration is held at your house. (We’ve also hosted end-of-the-year class parties and even a Brownie troop campout in our backyard.) If your place is too small to host the actual party, you can still offer to bring the food or organize the activities or pick up the kids—any of these things will give your child an extra opportunity to interact with the others and give you the chance to spy on how well it’s going and figure out ways to improve her social skills.

  Frequently Asked Questions

  Our middle school hosts a dance once a year or so. I want my son to go, but the one time he went, he was just standing all alone when I came to pick him up and he said he had a miserable time. He doesn’t want to go to the big bar mitzvah parties either because he says no one talks to him once we leave him there. I can’t host every party, so how can I make other people’s parties work for him?

  At this point, you’re going to need to think about recruiting a peer who is going to the party to keep your child company and help him interact with the other kids. Another idea is to send a local college student or older teen to help at the party—while there, she or he can keep a careful watch on your child and facilitate those social interactions.

  My daughter likes to have friends come over for small parties and get-togethers, but without any warning, she’ll sometimes just get up and go upstairs to be by herself. I can tell the other kids are really thrown by this. How can I get her to realize that as the host she can’t do that?

  This is a very common problem with kids on the spectrum. Sometimes they get overwhelmed with social interactions and other times they just don’t realize that it isn’t polite to leave a guest alone and unattended. Here are a few pointers that might be helpful.

  First, make the parties and get-togethers short enough for your child to handle easily. Kids don’t need to spend hours together, and setting it up so that they’re dying to come back again is better than a painfully long gathering that they can’t wait to leave—and they’ll all have less time to get into trouble that way too. So start out with an hour-long sundae-making party, or an hour-and-a-half swim party. Or if your child tends to always isolate herself after just a few minutes, start out with get-togethers outside of the home. Take a group of kids to get pizza, to a movie, or a play. Recently, one of our middle school parents whose child has Asperger’s syndrome took a group of kids to dinner, then to a show for her birthday. Another family took the kids for a surf lesson at the beach. And another family took their child with a group of friends to a cooking class. Activities outside of the home can be prearranged to increase the likelihood of success.

  Second, arrange activities your child likes. That will increase the chance that he will stay engaged in the activity longer. We have one middle schooler who loves to cook desserts. She can do this for hours. Other activities only maintain her attention for ten or fifteen minutes, so we have lots of dessert parties—and those are really popular among both sexes, believe it or not.

  Third, practice is important. As we’ve discussed earlier, priming can make a big difference for any child, and if you verbally or literally walk through the upcoming activities or event, the likelihood that your daughter will have success increases tremendously.

  Finally, observe carefully. Which kids are best with your child? Who draws her in? Who makes her feel ostracized? Guide your child toward the right peers, who will be good influences and welcoming to her.

  So keeping it short, choosing the right activity for your child, practicing it beforehand, and including the right peers are all helpful in making it work.

  5. Dealing with Bullying and Peer Pressure

  My son is so sweet and so innocent—and I’m sick over how many kids take advantage of him. In the past, he was shoved around by some mean kids and now he’s pretty careful to stay away from anyone who might physically hurt him. But other kids still abuse him in more subtle ways, “borrowing” money they don’t pay back or encouraging him to do things in public that will make him look foolish or get him into trouble. He just can’t tell when someone’s friendship is real or phony. Any advice?

  CLAIRE

  Andrew is a sucker for a good braggart, and back in middle school he believed absolutely everything one especially flamboyant kid claimed to do, like staying up until two or three a.m. every night and roaming freely about the mall with no curfew or restriction on the money he spent. Andrew was just so literal—and so honest himself—that when I suggested this boy was exaggerating, he got angry at me and insisted that every word of it was true, and that he should be allowed the same indulgences. It made me realize how much influence a peer could have on him—and how much influence I was starting to lose.

  That’s a scary thing for a parent to acknowledge, especially when you think about classic peer pressure scenarios involving drugs and alcohol. Now when we discuss these things, I remind my kids it will probably be a good friend who tries to get them to do these things and not some diabolic stranger. Peer pressure that leads to bad choices will always start with someone your child admires or trusts—otherwise, why would your child do what that person says?

  We discovered recently that a kid we had trusted and encouraged Andrew to spend time with had coerced him repeatedly into doing something he wasn’t comfortable doing. The betrayal was enormous, not just for our child, but for us too. No one wants to go around suspicious of the whole world, but if your child hesitates to hang out with another kid—even one you like—listen to what’s not being said and trust that your child may have a very good reason for keeping his distance.

  The most painful part for me of parenting a child who’s more innocent than most is having to question the validity of the friendship when a new kid is nice to him. Is the other child really being friendly—or is it all a setup for extortion or a prank? The funny thing is, I only relax when the new acquaintance is also on the spectrum. Those kids, I trust.

  DR. KOEGEL

  We all know what bullying is, of course, but peer pressure is a little more ambiguous. We tend to think of it in connection with issues like drugs and alcohol and sexual exploration, but for kids on the spectrum there are also unexpected dangers of being manipulated in less obvious ways. Our kids can be at risk because of their tendency to trust others, their innocence, their lack of experience in social situations, and because they are often used to being told how to act. Sometimes our kids can be coerced into everything from giving up their lunch money to doing things that are destructive and/or embarrassing. You could almost call this kind of peer pressure bullying by friends, and it’s a complicated issue for kids on the spectrum, who usually can learn to identify a classic bully, one who’s cruel to their face and likely to hit or insult them, but who are likely to find it much harder to recognize the manipulation of someone who seems perfectly friendly. I know one young man on the spectrum who willingly and obligingly handed over a twenty-dollar bill to another student at his school, simply because the other high schooler asked him nicely and said he’d return the money. Of course he never did. An expensive lesson.

  Addressing peer issues has to be accomplished as a team, one that ideally includes you, the parents of your child’s peers, school administrators and staff, special education staff, and teachers. It has to be done in a way that is sensitive to your child, so it doesn’t embarrass him and create a bigger problem. Below we’ve given you a few suggestions.

  Dealing with Overtly Mean Kids

  Kids in middle school and beyond all have the same goals: to fit in, be independent, be cool, and have friends. Unfortunately, some solidify friendships by joining together to make fun of and bully other children. Bullying is, sadly, an undeniable part of middle school culture—it lightens up somewhat in high school
and beyond, but it is rampant in middle school. Research tells us that about 75 to 80 percent of middle schoolers will be bullied—a shocking statistic. Even more upsetting is that almost all kids on the spectrum report that they’ve been bullied. Fortunately, bullying tends to slow down as kids settle in and find peer groups, but the scary truth is that your child most likely will have to deal with bullying at some point.

  I’ve seen a fair amount of bullying firsthand. Once when I was consulting at a middle school, a boy approached the boy I was watching, said something to him then quickly left. When I asked the boy I knew what had happened, he told me that the other kid had demanded that he give him his lunch money. And he had. This had been going on all year long and the child had never said anything to anyone. Another middle school child we worked with had one of his shoes stolen during physical education class and had to walk all the way home wearing only one shoe. This kind of stuff breaks my heart.

  Children with social difficulties are often the victims of bullying. You have to prepare your child to deal with it, so make sure you’re on top of things and that your child knows it’s his right not to be mistreated at school or anywhere else.

  Here are some ways to help him:

  Talk About It

  You, the school staff, and anyone else in your child’s life need to let your child know, by openly talking about it, that aggression is unacceptable under any circumstances. Let him know that if he’s being victimized, other kids probably are too and he’ll be helping other victims by speaking up. Start talking to your child about bullying as early as possible and before he begins to feel self-conscious about talking about it. Use examples of things that happened to you or to other children to get your child talking—you don’t have to make it really scary, just get the issue out there. And always keep your eyes open.