Dirt Driven (Racing on the Edge Book 11)

by Shey Stahl

  “Yes,” he breathed, his mouth on mine. “But don’t you fucking stop.” And then he raised his hips, meeting me bounce for bounce on him.

  Within a few minutes, he came, hard, a guttural sob rolling through him as his body shook. His touch lessened and he laid back against the mattress, still inside me. I caught myself from falling forward on top of him, my hands on either side of his head.

  He stared up at me, a ghost of a smile surfacing. “I’m sorry if that wasn’t good for you.” Reaching up, he touched my cheek.

  I leaned into his touch. “It was everything.”

  IT WAS FIFTY days from the date of the accident before Caden was finally released from the hospital. That day I drove to Ohio to be there for them.

  Rager was at the shop meeting with Dad and going over him returning to racing for Knoxville Nationals. It was a month away, which I thought was too soon, but Rager was driven. He refused to take no for an answer, and when one doctor told him no, he’d go to another.

  Hayden and I made the drive to help Caden and Kinsley get situated in their apartment they had in Charlotte. He was in a wheelchair, had a neck and back brace, and a shaved head with a nasty scar. Along with the scars, he had metal rods in his neck, back, and hundreds of stitches.

  Despite looking physically awful, I reminded myself, he was here, giving us shit and laughing with us the entire drive here. He even talked us into stopping at a gas station where he bought a hundred dollars-worth of candy. I didn’t think that was possible, until Caden.

  We stopped off at the shop to get their clothes from the motor home. That was the saddest part of the entire trip. A month ago, we’d been traveling around the country, and now that part of their life was over. Caden stayed in the car the entire time. I didn’t think he wanted to go into the shop and be reminded of what he was missing. We also had both wrecked cars in there, and I knew he didn’t want to see that.

  At their apartment, Hayden and I carried a box inside of deliveries they had waiting for them.

  Caden laughed as Kinsley pushed him down the sidewalk. “I can carry that. I’m basically a hand truck.”

  I laughed. “I got it.”

  Caden, though extremely disappointed about racing, had kept his sense of humor up. At least around us. I was sure Kinsley saw the real heartache when they were alone.

  Inside their apartment, you could tell they hadn’t had a chance to arrange anything. They still had everything in boxes from when they moved here over the winter from California.

  “How’s he really doing?” I asked Kinsley when we were alone, grabbing the last of their clothes she had in their motor home.

  “He’s… emotional. His therapist said it’s to be expected but he gets angry and frustrated that he can’t do anything for himself. And racing… you know.”

  I nodded. “I can’t imagine what you guys must be going through.” Some people had a passion for racing. Others, it was their life and if you said to them, you couldn’t get back in that car, their life was over as far as they were concerned.

  “Your dad offered me a job with JAR Racing.”

  “I heard.”

  “I want to take it. I’d love to still be a part of everything, but I can’t. I can’t take care of him, and the baby, without help,” she told me. “There’s a spinal cord therapy place in Atlanta.” Kinsley walked with me and when we got to the door, she stared at Caden holding the baby on his lap and smiling at her. “Caden’s mom is going to go with us.”

  Though I didn’t want her to leave, I understood her reasoning and it got me thinking about what I’d do if this had happened to me. What if Rager had been paralyzed? Would I continue to travel with my family? Would I even want to be a part of the racing world anymore? When my Grandpa died, I couldn’t look at a sprint car for months without thinking it was a death machine. When Jack died, I didn’t even want to be at the track. Now?

  I wasn’t sure. I knew the moment Rager got inside the car again I’d have that same pit in my stomach as I always did. I’d obsess over the what ifs and look at our babies and think to myself, “soak it up because this may be the last time he holds them.” I hated thinking that way, but it came with the sport. Everyone here knew it.

  “I don’t know what’s harder.” Kinsley paused, running the sleeve of her JAR Racing hoodie over her eyes. “The fact that he’s paralyzed or that I’m going to be raising a baby on my own while he’s recovering. He can’t change diapers or chase after her when she starts crawling or even lay her down in bed. But what really sucks, what really makes me sad is that I loved our lives. It will never be like that again. I’m never going to hear the words ‘Quick time!’ shouted through the loudspeakers or watch him stand on the wing at Knoxville Nationals. I loved traveling around to the different tracks with you guys and our race life. Now… I don’t know where that leaves us. Everything is changing so fast I can’t keep up with it.”

  I wanted to comfort her and tell her that wasn’t the case, but sadly, it was. And we both knew how incredibly different our lives could be by one second that changed everything forever.

  Tears rolled down her cheeks and she sucked in a breath. “I keep remembering the last thing he said to me before he got in that car.”

  “What did he say?” Hayden asked, stuffing a cookie in her mouth, crumbs all over her shirt and all down in her cleavage. I hadn’t even realized she’d come outside with us.

  I glared. “We brought those for her and Caden, not you, jerk.”

  “Oh, please, he ate like fifteen bags of Skittles on the drive here. He doesn’t need cookies,” Hayden pointed out. “And I’m fuckin’ starving. You’re the jerk, jerk.”

  Kinsley smiled at us. “He said kiss me after the race. It’ll mean more then. And all I could think about when he was lying in that coma for so long was, wake up so I can get my kiss.”

  And now I was crying. “You can still work with JAR Racing.” I wanted to offer her something, if anything. There wasn’t much I could say that would be comforting to her, but a job would be, right?

  Kinsley sighed, her eyes on Caden and the baby. “Maybe after his inpatient therapy he’ll get better, but if not, I think we’re gonna move back home to be with family.”

  “We’re family.” Hayden looked offended, tears rolling down her cheeks.

  At first I didn’t know how to reply. Hayden never cried. But then I focused on Kinsley. I could understand what Kinsley wanted. Call me crazy, but I totally understood what Kinsley meant when she said she loved her life. This road life, it was something to appreciate. Traveling around the country in a coach, a different track every night, random Walmart’s as campsites, and the occasional early morning parking lot motor heat. It wasn’t for everyone, but once you experienced it, there was nothing else like it. I couldn’t imagine anything else, but now Kinsley was being forced to reshape those plans they’d made.

  Kinsley laughed through her tears, hugging Hayden to her side. “See, I’m going to miss you guys.”

  “You’re still welcome to come with us any time.”

  “I know, but I can’t even look at a sprint car without bursting into tears. And he’s the same way. He was literally shaking when we pulled up to the shop and couldn’t look at the motor home. He laughs and smiles, tries to act like it doesn’t bother him, but that was his dream and it was taken from him.”

  I felt like fucking shit when she said that. I knew it wasn’t directed at me, or Rager, but still, it didn’t make me feel any better. We said our goodbyes after that. I offered to send Rosa over to help them but Caden insisted, or rather begged us not to.

  “I wanna keep her,” Hayden said once we were in the car.

  I checked my phone to see if I missed any calls from Rager. Nothing. “She’s not a pet, Hayden. We can’t keep her.”

  Hayden scooped out the cookie crumbs from her bra. “Do you ever think about it?”

  “About what?” I knew what she was talking about, but I didn’t want to think about it.

&nbs
p; “Them dying? How quickly their career could end. I mean, it’s a miracle that Rager survived that one. You know?”

  “I know. Believe me, I know. I’ve thought about it constantly since my grandpa died in one, but then again, you can’t think about it… if that makes sense.”

  Hayden nodded. “I know.” Sighing, she reached for her sunglasses, staring at the track in the distance.

  “What about you?”

  “I… didn’t used to. Now I do and it’s scary. I’m not meant to be a single mom.”

  I laughed. There was certainly some truth to it. If it hadn’t been for my parents through all this, there would be no way I could do this.

  As we pulled out of the parking lot, Hayden stared at their apartment. “Do you think he can still have sex?”

  I nearly choked on my own spit. “Why would you even think that?”

  “Well,” she sighed, “I don’t know. You didn’t?”

  “No, I didn’t. And I kinda hate you now because I’m curious.”

  “Would it be inappropriate to text her and ask?”

  “Yes, don’t do that.”

  She held up her phone. “Too late. I already did.”

  “Hayden,” I sighed. “You didn’t.”

  “Actually, I asked if his camshaft still worked. Think she’ll know what you mean?”

  It took me a second to catch onto what she said. “What I mean?” I panicked. “What? Did you say I wanted to know?”

  She grinned. “Oh, well, I didn’t want to ask so I sent it from your phone.”

  “You fucking asshole. Are you serious?” I nearly swerved my car into the oncoming lanes. “You did not send that from my phone.” Ripping my phone from her hand, I stared at the text message. Yep. She sent it. Dropping my phone in the cup holder, I punched Hayden arm as hard as I could. “I hate you so much for that.”

  She cringed, rubbing her arm. “Oh, relax. You’re being dramatic. I doubt she’s even going to know what I mean.”

  We didn’t talk. For ten minutes. Until… my phone beeped. “Don’t you dare touch my phone,” I scolded when she reached for it.

  “Then tell me what she said.”

  “No.”

  I wasn’t going to look. I was going to keep driving and ignore it for now. But then I caved and glanced at it.

  “What’d she say?” Hayden asked, trying to peer at my phone.

  I burst out laughing and showed her. Caden sent me a text.

  Caden: Kinsley can’t answer her phone right now. She’s busy with reciprocating motions. Wink wink.

  “I’m assuming that means yes, it works.” I took my phone back before she could send any more messages.

  After another five minutes, Hayden sighed. “You’re not really mad at me, are you?”

  “No, not really,” I admitted, having calmed down. “But don’t do that again.”

  “Relax, they probably thought it was funny.”

  “But what if they didn’t?”

  “They traveled around the country with a bunch of carneys. Pretty sure they were used to us.”

  “Used to you and Casten. Not me. I don’t ask things like that.”

  That one earned me a glare. “Oh, bullshit.”

  “Okay, I wouldn’t have asked Caden that. Not after everything they’ve been through.”

  “What if that’s exactly what they need?” she asked, watching me. “You know what Lily told me bothered her the most after Jack died?”

  “That she lost her son?”

  “Well, yeah, that, but what she hated the most was how everyone walked on eggshells, afraid to talk to her about anything. Even us. We distanced ourselves because we were scared to say the wrong thing, remember?”

  “Yeah, I guess we did.”

  “We can’t treat Caden and Kinsley any different, regardless of the situation. It’s not fair to them, or us.”

  She had a point. I hadn’t even realized I was doing it, but I was. Unintentionally, I’d been doing it. I made it a point to make sure I called or texted Kinsley every day. I wouldn’t let our friendship be collected with this one wreck.

  Single Step Response Time – The time required for the motor to rotate one step and settle at that position; a measure of system performance.

  TWO WEEKS UNTIL KNOXVILLE NATIONALS

  MOORESVILLE, NORTH CAROLINA

  Time out of the car moved unbearably slow for me. Recovery took even longer. And mentally, fuck, that might never come back. I could barely stand to look at my wife without thinking, what if I had been paralyzed? What if I hadn’t made it? What would that do to her?

  I couldn’t talk to her about it either. I didn’t want to scare her.

  How did you move on from something like this? You didn’t. Or, at least I didn’t think I was capable of it. For never fearing anything, I didn’t know who I was with that particular emotion. Sure, I’d felt anger, sadness, regret… but fear? I had no idea how to process it. And suddenly, looking at the pictures of the cars on the wall of the Pig Pit, I feared getting back in one.

  I sighed and looked down at my hands. They offered me nothing in return. No answers, but anything to avoid eye contact with Jameson. Here he had given me a chance of a lifetime and how was I repaying him for that? Didn’t exactly scream team ownership if you asked me. “I think I’m failing at this.”

  Jameson set his phone on the bar, his eyes on Rosa making his drink. How she had been allowed to make drinks was crazy if you asked me, especially Jameson’s drink. “What makes you think that?”

  Picking at my pork sandwich, I snorted, as if it hadn’t been obvious. “Well, for starters, I haven’t been in the car since May, and Caden was well on his way to a championship and now he’ll never walk again. He has me to blame for that.”

  This one earned me a laugh, but still, he kept his attention on Rosa. For good reason. “You don’t think I had years like this?”

  “No.”

  He leaned back and crossed his arms over his chest, frowning. “I did. And I’ve been where you’re at. I was in that wreck with my dad.”

  His words sunk in. It was true. He wrecked with Jimi at Frost Nationals that year and Jimi died instantly. To this day, I bet he was carrying around the same kind of guilt I couldn’t let go of.

  Rosa set his drink next to him, glaring and then used her finger to stir it. When she was finished, she licked it and smiled.

  Ever since Devil’s Bowl when Jameson threw that snake at her, she’d upped her game in the I-will-torture-Jameson-for-the-rest-of-his-life to I-will-do-everything-in-my-power-to-annoy-him-for-eternity. He glanced at me, and then took a handful of fries left on his plate and threw them at Rosa. “Go away.”

  Two landed on her tits. She ate them. “Enjoy, asshole.”

  He regarded me again and I fought the urge to laugh at them. “You’re a good driver,” he finally said.

  “Doesn’t feel like it.”

  He glared. “Respect my fucking opinion.”

  I chuckled, but then I realized by the continued scowl, he was serious. “Sorry.”

  “Listen.” He pushed his drink aside and turned to face me. “I know what you’re going through. I’ve been through exactly what you’re going through right now. I know deep down, you don’t even want to look at a race car, let alone get inside one and try to win, but eventually that feeling will fade and you’re left with what you know how to do and what you’re good at. Not everyone can go out there and do what we do. It takes a very gifted person to be one, that dedicated to a sport that takes everything and gives very little in return. And two, to win. You do both and that’s what’s gotten you here today. Just because you’re having an off year doesn’t change my decision to make you partners with me. As a team owner, I want a driver who’s struggled through adversity, endured hardships, and made sacrifices along the way. I want that because of who that creates inside of that driver. The clutch gene. When everything is on the line, all that triumph embed in him fights for the win. That’s why I chose you.”<
br />
  I had no idea what to say to him, other than “Thank you.”

  Aiden surfaced from the back room and smiled at us. He watched Rosa with a curious expression. Rosa had many jobs, but since we hadn’t been traveling lately, she was helping out at the Pig Pit. I think, by the expression on his face, he was regretting this decision. “Rosa, are you drinking?”

  She shrugged. “I don’t know why more people don’t drink at work. I mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal.”

  Jameson grunted and tossed money on the counter. “Could have fooled me.”

  I WASN’T CLEARED to drive yet so Jameson gave me a ride back to the house. I didn’t get out right away. I sat and stared at the front porch of my home with Arie, remembering the night it all changed for us.

  “I can’t do this with you anymore, Arie.” I couldn’t. I wouldn’t continue to put myself through it anymore. “It’s killing me. I’m fucking blind to everything else that’s around me.” I grabbed at my hair, needing to release the tension rolling through me. “I’m fuckin’ dying inside trying to stay away from you. You haunt me.”

  Did she understand how much though? Did she know I couldn’t sleep at night because she was all I thought about?

  Her eyes stayed on the pavement beneath my feet, her words soft when she whispered, “Easton asked for a divorce. We’re separated and our divorce will be final in February.”

  I already knew that, but I needed to hear her say it out loud. I couldn’t control what happened to me the moment she finally revealed her truth. I couldn’t because that was all I’d been waiting on. For her to finally admit she wasn’t tied to him any longer.

  I stood, turned toward her and my knees hit the pavement in front of her. “I’m done.”

  I swallowed, breathing in deep. I’d never regret that night, or the ones that followed. So why had I let this one accident drive a wedge between us? She didn’t want to admit it was there, but it was. Like a fucking deep rut in the middle of a track. You knew it was there and did everything in your power to avoid it, but one bobble, one centimeter to the left and if you tagged it, it threw off your lap time.