Can I Let You Go?

by Cathy Glass

  I had no idea what I was going to say to Faye. Whatever it took to get her out of bed and caring for her baby. Perhaps I should have encouraged her yesterday, I thought as I drove, instead of letting her lie in bed and eat chocolates, but it hadn’t really occurred to me that anything was wrong, and I don’t think it had to Stan and Wilma either. Faye knew how to look after her baby if she thought about it. Once she started putting into practice everything I’d taught her, she’d be fine. I had every confidence in her. Of course Edward wouldn’t be going into foster care; he was staying with his mother. As I’d told Becky, Faye was simply overwhelmed by all the changes. We should have spotted the signs earlier, maybe even foreseen it. Poor little Edward, lying there in his cot without his mother’s care. Thank goodness the nurses were looking after him. I glanced at the speedometer and realized I was driving over the speed limit. I touched the brake and, taking a deep breath, tried to calm myself.

  It was dark by 5 p.m. in December and the hospital car park was lit by a few lamps over the payment meters. I fed in the coins, placed the ticket on the windscreen and then hurried to the maternity entrance. Inside, the fluorescent lights were dazzlingly bright and the tinsel sparkled on the Christmas tree. I didn’t wait for the elevator but ran up the couple of flights of stairs to the maternity ward. I paused briefly outside the swing doors to disinfect by hands with gel from the pump dispenser on the wall and then pressed the security buzzer to enter the ward. The curtains were still partially closed around Faye’s bed and, easing one aside, I went in. Faye was in bed, on her side, cuddled up to Snuggles and facing away from the young nurse who sat in a chair by her bed feeding Edward. The nurse looked up and smiled.

  ‘I’m Cathy. I was Faye’s carer.’

  ‘Hello,’ she said sweetly. ‘Would you like to give him the rest of his bottle? We’re very busy on the ward tonight.’

  ‘Yes, or perhaps Faye would,’ I said pointedly, looking at her.

  Faye responded by pulling the cover further up over her face.

  Slipping off my coat, I went to where the nurse was and sat in the chair she vacated. She carefully laid Edward in my arms.

  ‘It’s a long while since I’ve fed a newborn,’ I said apprehensively.

  ‘I’m sure you’ll be fine. Use the call button if you need help.’ She waited until he’d latched onto the teat. ‘There,’ she said, smiling. ‘He’s feeding well.’ I was relieved.

  ‘I’m leaving Cathy to feed your baby,’ the nurse said to Faye. ‘I’ll see you later.’ But Faye didn’t so much as look at her. I guessed the nurse knew there was a problem.

  ‘Thanks for your help,’ I said as she disappeared through the gap in the curtains.

  I looked at Edward in my arms. His eyes were closed tight as all his effort and concentration went into feeding. So small, fragile and vulnerable, so perfect and beautiful. I glanced up at Faye, who was still on her side, facing away from me.

  ‘It’s a big step, having a baby,’ I said gently as Edward suckled. ‘I guess you must be feeling pretty scared and worried right now. I can remember how I felt when I had Adrian. I didn’t know anything about babies then. I was sure I’d do something wrong that would hurt him, or even drop him.’ I wondered if this was a worry of Faye’s. She was aware she was clumsy and uncoordinated, so perhaps she wasn’t touching him for fear of harming or dropping him.

  ‘You won’t hurt him,’ I said. ‘You’ll sit down to feed him, and when you carry him you’ll hold him close to your chest. Just as we practised at home with the doll. Then, when you go out, he’ll be in a pram, so no harm will come to him. You’ll do fine, I know you will.’ I glanced up, but there was no response, then down at Edward as he continued suckling.

  ‘Faye, no one is expecting you to know everything all at once,’ I continued gently. ‘The nurses are helping you now, and then once you move to the mother-and-baby home the staff there will help you. You can phone Becky, your grandparents and me any time if you have a problem, and we’ll all visit regularly. I can come and see you every day if necessary, and I’m on the end of the phone if you have a question.’ I paused and glanced at her again. ‘Is there anything in particular worrying you? If so, tell me and I’m sure I can help you with it now.’ I waited, but there was no response. I returned my gaze to Edward, who was now draining the last of his bottle.

  ‘Faye, love, I know you can look after your baby. I’m positive you can. He needs you and you need him. Why don’t you turn over and look at him? He’s gorgeous. In a moment he’ll need winding and maybe his nappy will need changing. It’s a long while since I changed a nappy. You and I used to practise on the doll at home, do you remember? We did it so many times. Let’s see if we can do it together. We’ll help each other.’ Still nothing. Edward took the last of the milk and I gently eased the teat from his lips and placed the bottle on the table.

  ‘Time to wind him,’ I said, hoping Faye’s interest would now be sparked enough that she’d at least turn over to look at him. I didn’t understand her resistance. I eased little Edward into a sitting position and then, supporting his head with one hand, I began to gently rub his back with the other, just as Faye had practised on the doll at home.

  ‘Look, Faye, it’s simple, love. I’m sure you’ll remember. You support his chin and massage his back.’ But she remained facing away.

  I concentrated on Edward and a few moments later I was rewarded with a burp. ‘Well done, little fellow,’ I said, as pleased with myself for bringing up his wind as I was with him. ‘Did you hear that, Faye? He burped.’

  I looked again towards the bed and now saw the smallest movement, but it wasn’t Faye getting up or even turning over. She was crying. ‘What is it, love? What’s the matter? Why are you upset? Please tell me.’

  Chapter Twenty-One

  An Impossible Decision

  Edward could really have done with some more winding, but my priority now lay with Faye. I carefully wrapped him in his blanket and placed him on his back in the crib, then I repositioned his little hat. I went round the end of the bed and sat in the chair on the other side so I was facing Faye. The sheet covered her mouth and her eyes were closed, but tears silently escaped and ran down her cheeks.

  ‘Faye, what’s the matter, love?’ I took a tissue from the box and gently wiped away her tears. ‘Why are you upset? Edward is fine. He’s had his bottle and is asleep in the crib. We can change his nappy later. There’s nothing for you to worry about.’

  ‘Yes, there is,’ Faye said, without opening her eyes.

  ‘What? What’s wrong? He’s a lovely baby. You’ve done well.’ Another tear escaped and ran down her cheek. I wiped it away. My heart ached for her. ‘Faye, love, can you try to tell me what’s wrong? I’m sure I can help.’

  ‘You can’t,’ she said. ‘There’s nothing you can do.’

  ‘So tell me what it is. What is it that’s upsetting you?’

  Her brow creased, then she opened her eyes and looked at me, her expression one of deep sorrow and regret. ‘Cathy, I can’t learn all I have to. Really, I can’t.’

  ‘You can,’ I said, relieved I’d found the reason. ‘Not all at once, but slowly, one step at a time. And when you start looking after him you’ll find it gets easier. You’ll remember what to do. You know more than you think, Faye, and the nurses here and the staff at the home will help you.’

  She gave a slight shake of her head and then heaved herself from under the covers and propped herself onto the pillow. Her face was red and tear-stained.

  ‘That’s better, I can see you now,’ I said positively. I passed her a tissue and then took one of her hands in mine as she stared down at the bed. ‘Come on, love. Tell me exactly what it is that’s worrying you,’ I encouraged. ‘Then we can sort it out.’

  ‘There’s too much for me to learn,’ she said despairingly. ‘Lots and lots of things I can’t remember.’

  ‘Like what?’

  She thought for a moment. ‘Cleaning the stump. I heard the nurses ta
lking about it and I don’t know what to do.’

  Faye was referring to the clamped umbilical-cord stump on the baby, which would need cleaning for the first week or so until it dropped off.

  ‘I’ll show you,’ I said, with an encouraging smile. ‘It’s easy once you know how. Is there anything else?’

  ‘Yes.’ She turned to look at me properly, fear and pain in her eyes. ‘Cathy, I’m different from you. You can learn things and keep them in your head, but I can’t.’

  ‘Yes, you can, Faye. You have learnt lots of things.’

  ‘But I forget them,’ she said more forcefully. ‘Some days I forget everything. You know. You’ve seen me like that. You can’t forget things when you have a baby.’

  ‘But that’s only when you have an off day. On all the other days you remember things.’

  ‘But not enough.’ She paused before continuing. ‘You’re a nice person, Cathy, a really nice person. You’ve done your best to help me. I thought I could learn when we were using the doll, but now I’ve seen my baby I know it’s not enough. I’m very worried, Cathy. I love my baby, but I can’t look after him.’

  I paused as I looked at her. ‘Did you tell your gran this?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘What did she say?’

  ‘She understands. She’s known me all my life and understands.’

  ‘In a way I don’t?’ I asked quietly.

  Faye nodded. ‘I know I’m going to be sad when I have to say goodbye to Edward, but I want him to be adopted. I want him to have a proper mummy and daddy who will love him as much as I do. Ones who can drive and take him out in the car to see lots of wonderful places, like you do. I want his mummy and daddy to be clever and teach him things so he does really well at school. I can’t ever do that. I want him to be smart like Adrian, Paula and Lucy. Please try to understand like my gran does, Cathy. It’s for the best.’

  I felt my eyes mist as a lump rose in my throat, and for a moment I couldn’t speak. The sounds of a busy ward continued in the background on the other side of the curtains as I sat quietly holding Faye’s hand.

  ‘Can you understand?’ Faye asked after a while.

  ‘Yes, but Faye, listen to me. Don’t you think you should at least try to look after Edward? Give yourself the chance. You could go to the mother-and-baby home and see how you get on looking after him. You might surprise yourself. Isn’t it too early to make that decision?’

  She paused and took a breath, her brow furrowing. ‘Cathy, it’s going to hurt me badly now when I have to say goodbye to him. It would hurt me even more if I looked after him and then had to say goodbye. It would hurt him too. He doesn’t know me now, but he would in a few months. He’d love me as I love him. I don’t want to hurt him. He’s too precious. I know I can’t look after him. I’m certain. Gran knows too.’

  I nodded slowly and wiped the moisture from the corner of my eye. Faye had spoken with wisdom and insight and I knew she’d given this a lot of thought. Of course she was right about bonding with Edward if she tried to look after him for six months. In that time she and Edward would grow close, and to say goodbye then would be even more traumatic and distressing than it would be now. Faye had considered this and the complexities of looking after him and knew what she was capable of, as did her gran. I realized then I had to put aside my own feelings of failure and listen to what she was telling me. This was her decision and, heartbreaking though it was, I needed to accept it.

  ‘Your grandparents agree?’ I asked.

  She nodded. ‘Grandpa said it had to be my decision. They said if I wanted to try and look after Edward they would help me, which was kind of them. But they’re old, Cathy, and they need help, so they couldn’t really help me. Even with their help, I know I couldn’t manage. I’d be very worried all the time, like I am now. Like I have been since he was born. Grandpa says it’s the responsibility. I told them I wanted Edward adopted, and I was sorry I changed my mind and upset them.’

  I lightly rubbed her hand in mine and glanced at Edward, sleeping peacefully in the crib, and blissfully unaware of the dramatic and far-reaching change that was about to take place in his future. I could barely look at him for the sorrow I felt.

  ‘Faye, you understand that if you are certain you’re not going to look after Edward, he will stay with a foster carer for a while before he is adopted. And you will go home to live with your grandparents.’

  ‘I know. That’s what I want, Cathy,’ she said quietly. ‘It’s best for us all, and especially for Edward. He’s the most important person in this. Not me, Gran, Grandpa or you. He deserves the best and I want him to be happy.’ Said with such selflessness and understanding … I was very moved. I gave her hand a reassuring squeeze.

  ‘I understand and I respect your decision, Faye,’ I said. ‘You’re a very brave, kind girl.’

  ‘Am I, Cathy?’ she asked, childlike and vulnerable. ‘That’s nice, thank you.’ I could have wept.

  The nurse who’d been feeding Edward when I’d arrived returned briefly to check on him. I guessed the nurses checked on him regularly, as Faye wasn’t looking after him.

  ‘He finished his bottle,’ I said, straightening in my chair. ‘But I didn’t change his nappy.’

  ‘OK, thanks. We’ll do it later.’ Then to Faye: ‘Are you all right, pet?’

  ‘Yes, thank you,’ Faye said. ‘I’ve had to make a very difficult decision, haven’t I, Cathy?’ I nodded. ‘That’s what Grandpa called it – a very difficult decision.’

  The nurse threw her a small, professional smile. ‘I’ll look in later then,’ she said. She glanced into the crib and then, picking up the empty feeding bottle, left the cubicle.

  I sat back in my chair and tried to relax. I felt emotionally drained, as I was sure Faye did, having struggled with this decision for two days and nights. I shuddered to think of the pain this must have caused her as she lay alone in her hospital bed, considering the alternatives and finally accepting she couldn’t ever parent her son. We were both quiet for some time, and then I heard her take a breath.

  ‘Cathy?’ she asked, turning her head slightly towards me.

  ‘Yes, love?’

  ‘Can I ask you to do something for me?’

  ‘Yes, of course. I’ll help if I can.’

  ‘Will you phone Becky and tell her what I’ve told you, and that when the foster carer comes to take my baby I want you here with me. Gran and Grandpa will be too upset. Can you be with me?’

  My eyes filled again. ‘Yes, if it’s possible. I don’t know what arrangements Becky will make, but when I leave here I’ll phone her and find out.’

  ‘Thank you. That’s kind of you.’ Her eyes closed and her head relaxed back in a mixture of exhaustion and relief.

  I stayed for a while longer, but when it became clear Faye was asleep I moved quietly away from the bed, checked on Edward and then left. I stopped by the nurses’ station on the way out to tell them I was leaving and that Faye and Edward were asleep, then I slipped on my coat and left the ward.

  Outside, the cold air hit me as I hurried, head down, across the car park, fighting back my tears. Faye had originally come to live with me with the intention of placing her baby for adoption, so in a way we had come full circle. Not that this was any consolation. All my hopes and aspirations for her and Edward had been dashed. While we’d been working towards her keeping her baby, I’d put aside any doubts I might have had about her ability to parent, and had concentrated on teaching her and preparing her for the birth and parenthood. I’d covered what I thought Faye needed to know time and time again, repeating things as often as was required. I’d done my best, but clearly that hadn’t been good enough. Could I have done more? I honestly didn’t know. We never did get that electronic doll, but I doubted that would have made much difference to the outcome. Practising on any doll, however sophisticated, was a long way from the reality of caring for a baby, and Faye had found the responsibility just too much to cope with. She knew what she was capab
le of, as did her grandparents, and I had to respect that.

  It was nearly six o’clock now. With the key in the ignition but the engine off, I took my phone from my bag and telephoned Becky. She answered straight away.

  ‘It’s Cathy. I’ve just seen Faye.’

  ‘Yes?’

  I took a deep breath. ‘She told me she wants Edward to be adopted. She says she’s sure she can’t look after him, and it’s better if he goes now rather than her trying to look after him and then having to give him up.’

  ‘That’s what Wilma said. Do you think her grandparents put her under any pressure to come to that decision?’

  ‘No. Faye said they told her they’d back whatever decision she made. They said they were willing to help if she decided to try to keep him.’

  ‘All right. Thank you. I’m leaving the office soon and I’ll go from here to see Faye. Then I’ll need to make arrangements for the baby to come into care. I’m thinking on my feet, but as it’s getting late it might be better if he stayed at the hospital tonight and then I’ll move him tomorrow. I’ll have to check with the hospital if that’s all right. Faye can go home this evening. Is she up and about yet?’

  ‘No. Becky, she asked if I could be there when you take the baby. I told her I would if I could but I’d need to check with you.’

  ‘I see. Could you manage tonight if necessary?’