The Red-Hot Chili Cook-Off

by Carolyn Brown

“But my masseur?” Kitty wailed.

  “He can come back another time. Are you getting into the car without cuffs or do I need to bring them out?” Jack asked.

  “I’m not sitting in the backseat with her. She might scratch my eyes out,” Tansy said.

  “Put her in the front seat, Jack. She’s got pliers somewhere on her. I swear to God she does,” Kitty told him.

  ***

  Patrice was working on an order when she got the call from Jack. At first she thought it was a prank but when he assured her that her mother was in a jail cell right next to Kitty Lovelle, she grabbed her purse and ran out of the shop.

  It was only three blocks to the jail but she drove like she only had five seconds to get there. Jack wouldn’t tell her a thing except that she needed to come get her mother and that Lenny was on his way from Sherman to do the same. They’d both been charged with disturbing the peace, and if she wanted to pay the fine, she could take Tansy home.

  Jack was sitting behind his desk, a big grin on his face. “Some days, ladies, this job is a hoot.”

  Patrice shook her head in disbelief. “Daddy is going to pitch a fit. Why didn’t you call him instead of me?”

  “She said to call you. Come with me. I’m not sayin’ another word. I want to see the look on your face.” Jack chuckled.

  Tansy was sitting on a bed in a jail cell filing her nails, her hair in limp strands, her clothing wet and plastered to her hide. She stuck her tongue out at Kitty Lovelle, sitting in the next cell. “See I told you my child loves me more than yours loves you. If he lets you sit in jail, he can get on with his stupid womanizing. I bet he’s screwing Macy right now, maybe even in your bed.”

  “Don’t you call my son stupid and he’s seeing Bridget, not Macy,” Kitty said.

  Patrice turned to look at Kitty and was instantly struck mute.

  Was that really Kitty Lovelle or had the Jolly Green Giant produced an offspring in Cadillac, Texas?

  “Told you,” Jack said. “Are you willing to pay your mama’s fine?”

  Patrice nodded.

  “I sure will. This is priceless.”

  Jack unlocked the cell door. “Tansy Magee, I’m going to release you but only if you promise you’ll stay away from Kitty’s house.”

  “Yes, sir.” Tansy smiled.

  “And Lenny’s house,” Jack went on.

  The smile faded. “I want my leash back and her cat has it.”

  “Kitty?” Jack said. “You are going to get that leash out of that cat’s teeth and bring it to me. I will give it to Tansy.”

  Kitty brushed blades of grass from her robe. “It will fall out on its own sometime when’s he’s eating.”

  Tansy marched out of the open jail cell. “And what if he swallows it? You can just pay me for a new leash. I’ll expect one hundred twenty-nine dollars in the mail next week. I won’t make you pay the tax or shipping costs.”

  Kitty rattled the door. “It’ll be a cold day in hell when I send you a thin dime and your Carlene is still fat.”

  The grin faded from Jack’s face and his jaws worked like he was chewing gun. He led the way back to his office and sat down behind his desk.

  “I’m sorry she keeps sayin’ that about Carlene,” he said softly.

  “How much?” Tansy opened her purse.

  “Not one dime if you don’t tell Gigi what she said,” he whispered.

  “My lips are sealed,” Patrice said.

  Tansy drew her eyes down in a serious frown. “I’ll gladly pay double what the fine is if you’ll give me five minutes in that cell with her. She’ll think fat when I get done.”

  Lenny rushed into the office and stared at Tansy glaring at him while Patrice giggled. “What in the hell is going on here, Jack? Are you declaring war on us because of Carlene—and what in the hell is so funny anyway?”

  “Your mama is green.” Patrice’s giggles turned into guffaws.

  Jack shrugged. “Your mother attacked Tansy Magee. You can take her home if you want to pay the fine for disturbing the peace.”

  Jack pulled out his wallet. “How much?”

  “One hundred and twenty-nine dollars,” Jack said with a straight face.

  “But if you let her sit in the cell, you can have an evening free to entertain your women,” Patrice whispered. “I’d think about it if I was you.”

  Lenny hesitated for only a second before he pulled out his wallet and started counting bills.

  ***

  Gigi parked the truck as close to the kitchen door as she could and hurried inside. She removed the scarf and sunglasses and tossed them on the cabinet. Tansy handed her a glass of sweet tea and Sugar pushed a platter of cookies her way.

  “Okay, Tansy, tell me if we’ve had a big enough diversion to keep anyone from trying to figure out our secret recipe.”

  Tansy giggled. “I guaran-damn-tee that I started enough gossip to put our chili on the back burner for the whole week. You could have bought all that stuff in Walmart at Sherman and talked to Violet on the way out, it worked so well. I even managed to sneak a picture with my cell phone. Jack didn’t make me give up my purse when he put me in the cell.”

  “Jail. Dear God, what did you do?” Gigi asked.

  “I had a little scuffle with Kitty. She shouldn’t have put that damn cat in the house with my precious Dakshani,” Tansy said.

  “Help me get this stuff in the house and under lock and key and then tell me the whole story. Did you already tell Sugar?” Gigi asked.

  “No,” Sugar pouted. “She said that she was only telling it one time and I’ve been on pins and needles waiting for you to get home.”

  They’d barely gotten the food inside and put into the pantry when they heard the rattle of an old truck stopping outside, a knock on the back door, and Agnes yelling as she entered the kitchen. “I figured y’all would be here together. I came to celebrate with you.”

  “Celebrate what?” Gigi asked.

  “Did you tell them?” Agnes looked over at Tansy.

  Tansy smiled. “What did you hear?”

  Agnes picked up a cookie. “That you’ve been in jail for fightin’ with Kitty Lovelle. Beulah is wringin’ at her hanky because Jack likes Carlene and Lenny might do something crazy.”

  Gigi hiked a hip on a bar stool and asked, “Now why would Jack do anything? This is Tansy and Kitty’s fight.”

  “I heard the fight was over that damn cat that almost ate Tansy’s bird and that Tansy called Lenny stupid and then Kitty called Carlene fat and they really got into it,” Agnes said. “Anyway Beulah is afraid that Jack will wind up losing his job.”

  “Jack is a smart man and the town is lucky to have him as chief of police,” Gigi said. “If he loses that job, Jamie will make him head of security for the entire estate.”

  Agnes laughed. “Can I tell people that?”

  “Not this week, darlin’. Wait until after the cook-off,” Gigi said.

  Tansy made her way to the television, plugged her phone into an apparatus on the front, poked a few buttons, and turned around.

  “You might want to be sitting down for this,” she said.

  Agnes claimed a rocking chair, Sugar sat on the arm of the sofa, and Gigi curled up on the far end of the sofa.

  Tansy held the control in her hand and nodded at Sugar. “Your praying helped.”

  “Of course it does. Now show us the pictures,” Sugar said.

  “You sure that it’s big enough that the whole town is talking about it?” Gigi asked.

  “No one gives a shit what the Fannin girls are doing today or what they are buying. The whole town is talking green and it’s not about the environment, either.”

  She hit a button and there on a fifty-inch screen, bigger than life was Kitty in living green color, sitting in a jail cell.

  Sugar gasped. “I’d die if I got caught like that. Bless her heart!”

  Gigi roared so hard that she got a coughing fit. “We could be brewing moonshine out here and we wouldn’t eve
n make the back page of the gossip vine. You did send it to Patrice, didn’t you?”

  Tansy tilted her head to the right and then to the left. “It was even better when she had the green towel all done up like a turban. And yes, I sent it to Patrice but I goofed and hit the send all button and I’m afraid everyone on my mailing list got it. Oops!” Tansy said sweetly.

  “It don’t get no better than that. Serves her right for calling Carlene fat. Kitty isn’t off the hook yet,” Gigi said.

  ***

  The big yellow cat ran down the stairs when Lenny opened the door. It rubbed around his legs and purred, the rhinestones hanging out of its mouth like a lip ring on a rock star. He loved cats and had been the one who brought him in the house when he found him on the front porch. Now he wished he’d taken the thing back to the shelter where his mother had found him.

  Kitty had stomped out of the jail with no sign of an injury but now she limped up the sidewalk.

  “You okay, Mama?” Lenny asked.

  “I’ll be fine, honey. Don’t you worry your head about me. You’re just gettin’ over the flu and trying to work. I swear, a lesser man would have still been laid up in bed. You just go on back to work. Me and OJ will hold the place down. I’m going to take a shower and rest the whole afternoon and then I’ve got a committee meeting tonight at Violet’s,” she said weakly.

  He hurried back outside, cupped her elbow, and led her into the house. “I’m not going to let you drive anywhere tonight. You are much too nervous and you could hurt yourself. I’m sending Bridget to spend the rest of the afternoon with you. She can take you to your meeting and stay with you until I get home this evening. I’ve got some after-work appointments so I’m going to be late.”

  “That is so sweet of you, darlin’. I’ve been wrong about Bridget. If you love her, then I’ll be nice to her. She can be my guest tonight at the meeting,” Kitty said. “Now you get on back to work. They have such a hard time runnin’ that place without you.”

  “Yes, ma’am.” Lenny dropped a kiss on her forehead. “I’ll see you late this evening. What time will you be home?”

  “About nine,” Kitty answered.

  “I’ll be home by ten. Keep Bridget here with you, okay?”

  “Don’t you worry about me, honey. She and I’ll be fine. I might even get out the family picture album and show her your baby pictures. You were so cute and grew up so handsome.” Kitty smiled through the splotchy green goop.

  Lenny brushed a few wilted blades of grass from the passenger’s seat of his car when he got inside. He’d barely cleared the driveway when he hit the speaker button on his phone and called Bridget’s number.

  “Hello, darlin’. Is everything all right?” she asked.

  “Oh, Bridget. I’m so worried about my mother. This is terrible on her nerves. I’ve got late appointments tonight and…” He let the sentence hang.

  “What can I do?” she asked.

  “Nothing, darlin’. It’s just that I hated to leave her alone when she is so torn up and she has a meeting tonight. And I’ve told you how she is about her club thing. If she doesn’t go, the sky will fall and the whole world will end.” He chuckled.

  “I really didn’t like her when she moved in and kicked me out but I’m changing my mind. I’m sure I’ll feel the same when we have our son. It’s just a mother’s love for her child that makes her so possessive,” Bridget said.

  “Thank you. You’ll never know what that means to me, just hearing you say those words,” Lenny told her.

  “Since you’ve got late appointments, why don’t I go sit with her? I didn’t take a lunch break so I could leave now,” Bridget offered.

  Lenny’s smile showed gorgeous, even white teeth. His eyes twinkled and he winked at himself in the rearview mirror. “Oh, honey, I couldn’t ask that of you, not the way that she treated you when she moved into the house. I mean, kicking you out like you were sinning and telling you that you weren’t taking care of me right. No, no! That’s just too much for you to do.”

  “I insist,” she said. “Your poor mother needs me. I heard how Tansy treated her. She needs a woman to talk to and to understand how mortifying it was to be put in jail in her robe.”

  “Well, it’s so hard for me to say no to you. Are you sure?”

  “Never been surer in my life. I’ll finish these papers I’m working on right now and be gone when you get here. That way she won’t have to be alone very long. And you are so right. She doesn’t need to be driving herself in her condition.”

  “I can never thank you enough,” he said. “But I’ll damn sure try. Tomorrow is lunch at the Hampton hotel in Denison. You bring the cheese and I’ll pick up the wine and we’ll take a two-hour lunch in our favorite room.”

  Bridget giggled. “The one with the beach chair on the picture beside the door.”

  “That’s the one. Our special room. You can pick up the key for Janie Smith at the desk,” Lenny said.

  “I can’t wait.”

  Lenny counted to twenty very slowly and then poked the familiar buttons to Macy’s phone. She answered on the second ring.

  “Hello, darlin’. Are we clear for tonight?” Macy asked.

  “Meet me at the Hampton in Denison at five thirty. I’ll pick up takeout and a six-pack of beer. You just bring your sexy self. There will be a key for Janie Smith at the desk. I’ll be waiting.”

  “All evening?” Macy asked.

  “Until nine thirty. I need to be home at ten. Mother has had a terrible day and I couldn’t be out a minute later.”

  “Poor darlin’. I heard what happened in Cadillac. You are such a darlin’ for taking care of your sweet mama,” Macy said.

  Lenny did a mental happy dance. “Thank you. I just wish she wasn’t so attached to Bridget but right now in her frail state of mind, I just can’t break up with Bridget or she’d go off the deep end.”

  “The right time will come along,” Macy said. “See you in an hour then at our special little Hampton room with the beach chair picture on the wall beside the door.”

  “And we’ll pretend we’re lyin’ naked on the beach, eating fried chicken and drinkin’ beer,” he said smoothly.

  ***

  Rick lugged several suitcases to the back door of the shop. Alma Grace pulled them inside, pulled the door shut, and laced her fingers in his. He led her back to his truck and opened the passenger door for her. Before he buckled up, he reached across the seat and brushed a kiss across her lips.

  “I still can’t believe that you are dating me. I’m the luckiest man alive. I hate it when you leave me in the middle of the night. I know you can’t be seen leaving my house at daybreak but what if we got a hotel room tonight? I’ll be on night duty for the rest of the week and you’re going to be tied up with the chili cook-off. Let’s sleep together tonight. I want to wake up with you in my arms tomorrow morning,” Rick said.

  “Sleep?” Alma Grace asked.

  He smiled. “After we do other things.” He fastened his seat belt. “I’ll get you home in time for work tomorrow, I promise. I just want to hold you all night in my arms.”

  “I didn’t bring an overnight bag,” she said.

  “We don’t need anything but each other.”

  “Then let’s do it,” she said.

  ***

  A few hours later she awoke with a start. It took a few seconds to get her bearings and realize she was in a hotel, not her bedroom at Patrice’s house. Rick was sleeping right next to her. He looked so peaceful with those thick lashes resting on his cheeks. She couldn’t imagine being without him for a whole week.

  A noise startled her. Someone was rattling the door handle and cussing outside her door. She eased out of bed and tiptoed to look through the fisheye but all she could see was a couple of distorted people making out across the hall. She could still hear swearing so she opened the door a crack, leaving the safety chain in place. A drunk was trying every door on the second floor. When his key wouldn’t work, he tried the ne
xt one and then the next one.

  A giggle took her attention back to the couple across the hall. The man had the woman pressed up against the door whispering something in her ear.

  Alma Grace gasped when she recognized Lenny and Macy, kissing and trying to open the door at the same time. Neither of them whipped around to see where the noise came from and she was very glad since she only had a sheet around her naked body. But there was no doubt about it; that was Lenny and Macy over there.

  Damn that sumbitch! She’d taken up for him, prayed for him, and asked God to make him see the error of his ways so that Carlene would reconcile with him and there he was with Macy. God had been telling her no all along and she’d been too stubborn to listen, too eager to prove Patrice wrong. And now she had to backtrack.

  She’d gone against her blood kin for him and he’d been a bastard all along. Patrice was right and Carlene was right and she’d been wrong. Well, by damn, he wasn’t getting away with another thing.

  She had dropped her purse right inside the door when Rick had backed her into the room, stringing kisses all over her face, so she fished inside, brought her cell phone out, and stuck it out the door. Two snaps later she had pictures, grainy but there was no doubt who was hugged up together beside that cute little beach chair.

  “Don’t go,” Rick mumbled when she got back into bed.

  “I’m right here, darlin’.”

  “I love you, Alma Grace,” he whispered in a half-sleep state.

  She hugged herself and snuggled down to go back to sleep. She dreamed of a time when she, Patrice, and Carlene were all just little girls. They were dressed in their Easter dresses and were having tea at the little table on the patio. She awoke with a smile on her face. Those were happy times and they’d have them again, by golly, with no contention between them ever again. From now on, if God said no, she intended to be listening real good.

  Chapter 19

  The Jalapeño Jubilee, probably the biggest event in Cadillac, Texas, was held every fall right after the Texas State Fair and ended a long, hot summer. Easter brought on spring and the whole town looked forward to the program at the church and the egg hunt. And then they started talking about the chili cook-off.