“But I…” My heart sinks like a stone. I feel hot tears coming on but I push them away. I can’t let them see me break down like this. I won’t.
“It’s that simple, Grace. You either choose your job or you choose us. You can’t have both.” Andrew sits back down at the table and begins working again, putting his glasses onto the bridge of his nose. Colleen gets up from the table and goes to make tea without a single word to me. She doesn’t even give me a second glance.
It’s clear that this conversation is over. And so is the life I was finally starting to envision for myself.
***
I walk back to my room, resigned. I don’t know what I expected from them. Were they going to suddenly be understanding just because I’ve been their surrogate daughter for the past few years? Nothing was going to change the way they thought about sex outside of marriage and I shouldn’t have thought anything I said would change that.
And the reason I felt compelled to tell them about it was because I knew they would be gutted if they found out the truth some other way. The guilt over what Boyd and I had and what I hoped we would continue to do was eating me alive. I knew that the family that had helped me so much would be upset about this, from the very beginning, and yet I let it happen. Over and over again, I let it happen.
But when I’m with him, everything else in the world falls away and it’s just the two of us. And being with him has never felt more right. And yet, I still feel as though I’m making a mistake. A gigantic, colossal mistake when it comes to him.
Andrew and Colleen are right on one front. I have to make a choice. And a choice between my livelihood and the potential love of my life will be the hardest choice I’ve ever had to make.
Chapter 17
Grace
I walk into work the next morning with a heavy heart, my insides feeling like liquid. As if every part of my body is going to suddenly melt away onto the floors of the office. I might almost prefer it if it did.
I walk directly past my desk, ignoring Carolina’s questioning look. When I get to Boyd’s office, I knock on his door with baited breath.
“Come in,” his voice rings from the other side of the door and I contemplate just walking away without saying a single word to him. But I can’t not see his face one more time.
“Do you have a minute, Mr. Ashdown?” I ask, trying to keep things as professional as possible and ignoring the tugging feeling on my heart as I look at his beautiful face.
“For you, I have all day,” he says with a smile. He sees my demure reaction and his face falls. “What’s wrong?”
He comes out from behind his desk and I shut the door behind me. He immediately puts his hands on me once he closes the space between us. I push him away and his reaction is one of pure pain and rejection. My heart squeezes.
“Listen, Boyd, I can’t work for you anymore. I’m quitting. Today’s my last day,” I tell him, rushing to get the words out.
“What do you mean? You can’t quit,” he says, trying to hold on to me but I move further away from him.
“I can and I am.”
“Why? Is it because of what happened between us? I thought that was what you wanted. It was what we both wanted.” I look at him and see he’s visibly hurt and questioning what the other night meant.
“You know it was what we both wanted,” he reminds me. The tone of his voice is commanding and I have to will myself not to respond to it by throwing my arms around him. I love how he takes charge. “You said, ‘Yes, Boss.’”
I shake my head, determined not to remember what I’d said or done, what he’d said or done. How he’d called me his “good girl.” How he’d made me moan and coo and let myself go in ways I hadn’t even imagined possible.
I open my mouth and let the words out quickly, before I can change my mind.
“I either continue to work here and get kicked out of my house or I can leave and continue to stay with my family. They’ve given me everything and I’m not about to squander that for some meaningless fling,” I say, crossing my arms and walking toward the door.
“Meaningless?” He laughs to himself, almost eerily. As if he cannot believe what he’s just heard. “How can you say that?”
“You’re the one who said it couldn’t mean anything,” I remind him.
“That’s not what I meant,” he says. “I did say that. And mean it. But things have…”
He drifts off, but I think he was about to say things have changed. My pulse quickens as I wonder whether he could actually be falling for me. But it doesn’t matter anyway, I remind myself.
“It’s better this way,” I tell him. “And besides, it’s my decision and I’m making it. End of story.”
I walk out the door without so much as another word to him. I leave him standing there in shock and awe.
On my way, I pass the office Christmas tree that decorates the lobby. I know I should be feeling happy and festive and filled with holiday spirit, but instead I just feel miserable.
I know I was being cruel when I said those things to him but it was better if he hated me and didn’t think what happened between us meant anything. I gather up my desk as fast as I can and am making my way to the elevators when someone stops me. It’s Erin.
“You’re leaving?” She looks at me in surprise and curiosity. “I thought you liked it here. You were doing so well. You made Carolina’s job a whole lot easier. And everyone’s job, honestly.”
“It wasn’t working out how I imagined it would. I’ll see you around. Good luck with everything. Get my number from my resume and call me. We’ll hang out sometime.”
I know I sound cold, but I really do want to hang out with her. I just don’t have the ability to think about anything else right now except self preservation.
I walk away from her without another word. The elevator ride down is a lonely one.
Chapter 18
Boyd
I find myself completely out of sorts at the next meeting with some of my new law firm partners. I can’t concentrate on anything and my brains keeps running through Grace’s words on a constant loop. How could she think what happened between us meant nothing? How could she fucking do me so dirty like that? I’m the one who’s used to leaving— how dare she leave me?
“Boyd?” I’m broken out of my reverie when I hear my name. I look up and see Cameron Sanchez’s face looking at me with concern written all over it. “What’s up with you? You seem distracted.”
“I am distracted. I might as well tell you now, since it’ll be the talk of the fucking office soon, if it isn’t already. It’s my assistant. Grace. She just quit.”
“Did you sleep with her?” Cameron immediately asks. “You fucking slept with her, didn’t you?”
Cameron is someone who would know. Some of the other faces staring at mine belong to other partners who would know, too—Jameson, Asher, Garrett. All of them would know, because they’ve all done it themselves. So, I don’t even try to deny it.
“Yeah, but, it wasn’t what you think,” I say, wanting them to understand. Foolishly, I can’t help but think I need them to understand and then maybe, just maybe, I’ll be able to understand myself.
“Boyd! You need to stop this,” a newer partner named Steve says. Having never fallen prey to a workplace affair—at least not that any of us know about—he’s always the reasonable one. “I know that half these guys have done worse and that for some of them, it’s turned out fine and dandy but that doesn’t mean it’s a good fucking idea. Most of the time these dalliances don’t end in some picture perfect marriage with kids. Instead, they have the capacity to blow a law firm up. You should be glad that she left quietly and it didn’t come to some sexual harassment lawsuit. You could have lost your job.”
I don’t even respond. I know that what he’s saying is perfectly rational. But I don’t have time to be rational; I just want Grace.
“He could have just lost his job? What about our jobs?” Tim demands. He’s new to this firm but ca
me with me from our prior firm, so he’s one of the few who know my old reputation. “This was my number one concern when agreeing to this merger—that everyone here is a bunch of philandering playboys, but I thought you would leave your old ways in the past. You do know that you’re putting the rest of this firm at risk with what you’ve been up to, right?”
He’s staring at me angrily as he hurls the words. I’m hurt that he has such little faith in my ability to make decisions—I’ve fooled around before, but I’ve honestly not felt this way about any of them as I do for Grace—but, at the same time, I can understand where he’s coming from. He’s always been one to speak his mind and I can’t fault him for that.
“I know what I’ve been doing is stupid and we’re lucky that we haven’t landed ourselves in some sort of legal trouble,” I say, trying to placate them. “But there was just something about her. She seemed…”
“Different?” Tim says, annoyance in his voice. “She’s not like all the other women you’ve ever been with before?”
“Hey,” Asher says, obviously objecting to the mocking tone in Tim’s voice. “It does happen, you know.”
“No, I was going to say she seemed genuine,” I say, answering Tim while sighing deeply. But I give a nod of thanks to Asher for the backup. At least I’m among some people who know what I’m going through. “And I don’t know how it happened but I do know that I want to be with her.”
“I’m sure you thought that about all the other girls I’ve seen you out and about with,” Tim snaps at me.
I resist trying to roll my eyes at him. He’s just jealous.
“Not true at all,” I tell him. “I wouldn’t have done something so dangerous had I not thought it was the real thing.”
I can see Cameron slowing shaking his head, as if realizing I really mean it.
“You really shouldn’t be allowed to hire female assistants,” Steve says. “That rule they applied to Garrett before he hooked up with Carolina should have been more strictly enforced, and continued to be.”
“Hey!” Garrett objects. “That worked out just fine, thank you. Don’t be dragging me into this.”
“You all drag yourselves into this and your new partners too,” Tim tells him. To me, he says, “You need to get your act together, man.”
“You’re better off without her. Nothing good can come of this,” Steve says, and gets up from his seat. He turns off the projector we had been using for the meeting and unplugs it, gathering the small machine in his hands.
“You know, I don’t need a lecture right now. I need you guys to be on my side,” I say, getting up and gathering my stuff from the meeting. I no longer really wish to speak to them. I sit on the edge of the conference room table, defeated.
Tim also begins picking up his things from the meeting, but he remains silent, indicating that they have nothing else to say to me. He joins Steve by the door and then they stop and look back at me, their sneers showing they think I’m pathetic.
“We are on your side. You just don’t want to hear the truth,” Tim says and walks out of the room. Steve remains behind for a moment.
“Tim’s right. Maybe now you’ll learn not to mix business with pleasure,” Steve says, and he too, leaves without so much as a second glance.
One by one the other partners leave; some hadn’t said a word to me. But finally only Asher and Cameron are left—the two original founding partners and childhood friends.
“You know,” Asher says, putting a firm hand on my shoulder. “I’ve learned I’m not one to try to give advice about these things.”
“That’s for sure,” Cameron says, with a laugh. “We learned the hard way that when we fall for someone in this office, we fall hard, and not everyone understands. Hell, we didn’t even understand ourselves, after it happened to us.”
“That’s true,” Asher agrees. “At first, we were hard on our fellow partners for doing the same exact thing we had. We thought that even though it lasted for us, it would be different for them. But then we learned we know shit about any of this.”
“Yeah,” Cameron says, with a shrug. “We have good insurance, and hopefully we won’t be needing it. Hopefully you can get this sorted out, just like we did. We’ve decided to trust our partners to be able to do that, from now on.”
“Thanks, guys,” I tell them, relieved that not everyone hates me.
Suddenly, Madilyn pokes her head in through the door.
“Everything alright, honey? The meeting ended and everyone came out except for you guys…”
“Everything’s fine, my love,” Asher says, nodding at me and then walking over to Madilyn and putting his arm around her.
“They’re just in a hurry to get out of here because they have a big date tonight,” Cameron explains.
“Oh, hush,” Madilyn says, but she’s laughing.
“It’s true,” Asher confirms, smiling down at her. “Her mom is taking our baby to meet Santa Claus at the mall. It’s not every day we get time to ourselves. So I need to savor every second of it.”
“He doesn’t know what to do with himself when I’m not covered in baby puke or having to run off to sing a lullabye,” Madilyn says, obviously enjoying teasing him.
“That’s not true at all,” Asher says. “I know exactly what to do with myself, and with you too…”
“Get a room,” Cameron calls after them. “No, seriously, maybe ask Madilyn’s mom to keep the baby overnight, and book a hotel room. You guys obviously need some alone time, to get all of this pent up frustration out of your system.”
“Yeah, you’re desperately announcing your affection in public,” I chide them, but I’m smiling. My heart pulls at me, wishing I could be doing the same with Grace. If only she could see how much I care about her.
Fuck.
I care about her. That much is for sure. I hadn’t meant to fall in love, but I clearly have. And now I have to do something about it.
“Bye, Boyd,” Cameron tells me, as he follows Asher and Madilyn out the door. I still hadn’t gathered my stuff, too flustered by how horribly the talk had gone with my partners, so I start doing that now, all the while wondering how I can get Grace back, and what will happen if she doesn’t want that.
Soon, I’m left all alone with my thoughts, which can’t help but wander off to no place I want to be.
Chapter 19
Grace
I spend the next several days alone in my room, only coming out for meals and to take long walks through the park across the street. Andrew and Colleen try to cheer me up, but nothing works. Nothing will placate my grief over losing Boyd. And although I was the one who made the choice—or rather, had to make the choice—to leave him, it doesn’t make the pain hurt any less. If anything, it makes it worse.
I’m quietly reading at my desk when I hear a knock at the door.
“Come in,” I say, placing the book face down on the desk and swiveling my chair towards the door.
Andrew opens the door slowly and takes in the room before he says anything. I wait patiently for him to start the conversation, although I know where it’s already going to go. Our conversations lately have been short and concise. It’s not like it used to be and I’m afraid that we’ll never get back what we once had.
“Let’s go for a walk. I’d like to talk to you,” Andrew says, walking into the room. He sits on the edge of my bed and looks at his hands. “I know things have been hard for you since quitting your job and I was hoping there was something I could do.”
“Andrew,” I say, looking away from him. I’m not really sure what to say to the man who forced me to make the hardest decision of my life. “There’s honestly nothing you can do. I just need some time.”
I swivel my chair away, my back turned to him, and attempt to go back to reading my book.
“Please, Grace,” Andrew says, standing up and coming over to me. “I want you to be able to confide in me. Maybe talking about…Boyd with someone else will help you move on.” He gets up and walks ov
er toward the door. “I’ll see you outside in ten minutes.”
I sit at my desk for several minutes, knowing that I don’t seem to have another choice. But maybe talking about Boyd with someone else will help me move on. I can’t just keep everything bottled up forever. I’ll never be able to let go if I’m trying desperately to hold on. I grab my tennis shoes and pull them on.
Plus, it’s not like I have anything better to do, I can’t help but remind myself. I feel I’ve given up my only chance of happiness in order to keep my foster parents happy.
Andrew waits for me on the porch, in full on athletic gear. I can already tell that this is going to be much more of a walk then I’m going to be able to handle. I’ve never been one to enjoy working out. In fact, I quite prefer the activity of wrapping a blanket around myself on the couch with my Kindle in hand.
The trail into the park behind our house is a long one. It winds deeper and deeper into the woods for what feels like an eternity. Andrew walks beside me in silence for several minutes, the miles sliding past us slowly.
“Grace…” Andrew begins but I cut him off. I stand in front of him, my hands on my hips in frustration.
“How do you know that what I feel for Boyd isn’t true love? How do you know?” I ask, not sure if I actually want an answer from Andrew.
“Grace,” Andrew says, stopping me in my tracks. “You’re young. You don’t know what you really want. Only God knows what’s best for you.”
“I don’t know if that’s true,” I say, knowing that what comes out of my mouth will only cause Andrew pain, but I can’t stop myself from saying it. “What’s so bad about knowing myself and knowing what I want?” I continue, sitting on a rock just alongside the trail. I lace my fingers together and take a deep breath. “I know that I want to be with Boyd.”
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