Amanda Lester, Detective Box Set

by Paula Berinstein

  “You’re not saying that Professor Snaffle is a terrorist?” said Amphora, horrified.

  “No, of course not,” said Amanda. “But think about it. How do terrorists communicate?”

  “Well, they don’t have a newsletter,” said Amphora.

  “Correct,” said Amanda, waiting for her to go on.

  “Well? So what? I don’t see . . . OMG, cells! They split themselves into cells and operate independently.”

  “That’s right! And each of these pieces of paper is the same as a cell. None of them knows what the others mean.”

  “But I don’t see . . . wait a minute,” said Amphora. “If that’s the case, there has to be a master index or something that ties them together. Metadata!” She thought for a moment. “The way anyone knows what these pieces of paper mean is through metadata that’s kept somewhere else. Professor Snaffle is in charge of the secrets.” She smiled a huge smile. “Professor Snaffle has the metadata, doesn’t she?”

  “Yuppers,” said Amanda. “That was a great syllogism. You get an A in logic.”

  “I do, don’t I?” said Amphora. “Wait till I tell—”

  “Wait till you tell who?” said Simon archly.

  “No one,” said Amphora. “I’m not going to tell anyone.”

  “You were going to say Rupert Thwack, the cook, weren’t you?” said Simon.

  “Fifty p!” said Ivy. “Cool it, Simon. She wouldn’t tell him. She wouldn’t tell anyone.”

  “Who wouldn’t tell anyone what?” said David Wiffle, entering the room. “Say, have you guys seen Gordon? I can’t find him anywhere.”

  “Nope,” said Simon abruptly.

  “That isn’t entirely true,” said Ivy. “We saw him in the basements a few hours ago, but he went his own way and we haven’t seen him since.”

  “Something’s wrong then,” said David, sounding agitated. “He wouldn’t just go off like that.”

  “Why not?” said Simon. Amanda knew he was deliberately baiting the kid. Gordon never went off by himself. He and Wiffle were joined at the hip and Simon wanted to get Wiffle to admit it.

  “Because,” said David in a surly tone.

  “Because why?” said Simon in his usual stubborn manner.

  “You’re a nosy Parker,” said David obstinately. It seemed that he could be just as stubborn as Simon.

  “No more than you,” said Simon.

  “Uh uh,” said David.

  “Oh for heaven’s sake,” said Ivy. “You two are a couple of babies. Look, David, I’m sure Gordon is fine. He was quite keen to explore.”

  “He’s not that kind of person,” said David, picking at a hangnail. “And for your information, there are still aftershocks going on. It’s dangerous down there.”

  “Oh?” said Simon, seizing on the first point. “What kind of person is he?” He stood up. It was an obvious ploy to intimidate the smaller boy.

  “If you must know, he’s very sensible.” The hangnail was obviously bothering him because the picking got more intense. It didn’t seem that he was making any progress toward removing the darn thing.

  “Sensible,” said Simon, as if to question him.

  “Yes.” He pulled the hangnail off with a flourish. He looked extremely satisfied with himself. The girls were horrified but Simon betrayed no reaction.

  “And how is exploring the tunnels not sensible?” said Simon.

  “You don’t have to turn this into an inquisition,” said David. “Gordon should have been back a long time ago. I think we should send a search party down there.”

  Simon laughed. “A search party? What do you think this is, the Lone Ranger?” He sounded very snotty. Amanda wondered if David would hit him. That would have made some fight. Neither of the two boys was exactly burly. Simon was tall and thin, and David was short and puny.

  Wiffle turned red in the face and crossed his arms. “You’re an idiot,” he said. “I’m going to Thrillkill.”

  “Because I said you were acting like the Lone Ranger?” said Simon, deliberately being obtuse.

  “Buzz off,” said David.

  “’Buzz off,’” said Simon, mimicking him.

  Wiffle leaned forward, stuck his tongue out, and pivoted, then stomped out of the common room.

  “Good going, Simon,” said Amphora.

  “Fifty p,” said Ivy.

  “Would you stop that?” said Amphora. “He’s the one who’s argumentative. And anyway, this fining thing is unfair.”

  “Fifty p,” said Ivy. She was being as stubborn as Simon. She sure was testy these days.

  “Why don’t you cut them some slack?” said Amanda. Realizing that this might have been the first time she’d ever said something mean to Ivy, she gasped. Something had got hold of everyone and was turning them into grumps. Maybe it was the earthquake, although Ivy had exhibited signs before that happened.

  “You too?” said Ivy accusingly.

  “Ivy,” said Simon in a tone Amanda had never heard before, “what’s going on? You seem really tense.” He looked downright solicitous. Now she was convinced that something strange was in the air.

  Ivy burst into tears. “I’m just so worried about everything,” she sniffled. “I can’t seem to think straight and there’s more but I don’t want to say.”

  This confession took the other three by surprise. They looked at each other as if to say, “Did I just hear that?”

  After what must have been a minute, Amanda spoke in a tiny voice. “You’re stressed, aren’t you?”

  “Yes,” wailed Ivy.

  “Everything’s changed,” said Amphora kindly. “You had certain expectations about Legatum, and nothing is working out the way you thought.” She put a hand on Ivy’s arm.

  “You’re right,” said Ivy. “All right. I’ll tell you, but no comments, okay?” They looked at her as if to say, “Out with it.” She sat there for a second, seemingly searching her mind for the right compartment. Then she grabbed Nigel’s head and cradled it and said, “I think I’m losing my hearing.”

  “What?” said Simon. Everyone leaned forward, although they could hear perfectly well where they were.

  “Something’s wrong with it,” said Ivy. “And by the way, the teachers are going to dissolve the school!”

  Amanda couldn’t believe what she had just heard. Ivy lose her hearing? That would be a disaster. It would affect Ivy’s whole life and potentially ruin her future. No wonder she was upset.

  “What do you mean losing it?” she said. Maybe Ivy was exaggerating.

  “I mean it goes in and out,” said Ivy, breaking into tears.

  “How long has this been happening?” said Simon, trying to peer into Ivy’s ears.

  “I don’t know,” Ivy sniffled. “A few weeks maybe? Please don’t do that, Simon. You won’t be able to see anything.”

  “That long?” said Amphora, moving to hold her friend. “Have you been to the doctor?”

  “I, uh, no,” said Ivy, wiping her eyes. She leaned into Amphora’s embrace.

  “Well for Pete’s sake why not?” said Simon. He looked embarrassed.

  “It comes and goes,” said Ivy, her voice muffled as she rested her face on Amphora’s shoulder. “It might get better on its own.”

  Amanda didn’t want to say what she was thinking: what if it didn’t? How could Ivy jeopardize her greatest gift this way?

  “It’ll be fine,” said Ivy. “The main thing is the school.

  The whatsit was so important that the school’s very existence depended on it? There was no question that Ivy knew what she was talking about. When her hearing worked it was perfect. So the argument Amanda had heard that first day outside Thrillkill’s office was every bit as serious as it had seemed. More, actually.

  Now the question was what was to be done about the catastrophe. The kids sat in silence for a couple of minutes. Revealing what was bothering her seemed to have stopped Ivy’s bawling, for she had stopped crying completely.

  “We have to find it,”
said Amanda. “And we need to get help for you.” She stroked Ivy’s hair. Nigel looked up and wagged his tail.

  “Absolutely,” said Amphora. “You must go to the new doctor. And we have to scour those basements.”

  “That will take forever,” said Simon. “We need a system.”

  “Simon’s right,” said Amanda. “We need a system. Let’s sit down and make a list of all the possibilities. If we know what the item is, we might be able to find it more quickly.”

  Just then each of the kids’ phones buzzed. A text from Thrillkill had arrived. “Gordon Bramble missing. Last seen in basements. Anyone with knowledge ping me immediately.”

  Oh great. Wiffle had gone to Thrillkill. There was no way Gordon was missing, but here David was making a huge deal out of the fact that his sidekick had finally started to become his own person.

  “Weren’t there cameras in there?” said Amphora.

  “Yes,” said Ivy, disentangling herself. After all that hugging she was rather rumpled. “Good thought. They should be able to find him that way.”

  “Nope,” said Simon, who seemed relieved that the hugging and stroking was over. “There weren’t very many, and all the ones I saw were broken.”

  “I don’t know if that’s good or bad,” said Amanda. “It’s good because they didn’t see us, but it’s bad for Gordon.” She stopped abruptly. “What am I saying? He’s fine. That Wiffle kid is such an attention seeker.”

  “Yeah, he is,” said Simon, “but Gordon doesn’t have any sense. He could be lost.”

  “But how lost is lost?” said Amphora. “The tunnels can’t be that big.”

  “Yeah, they are, and . . .” He turned to Ivy. “Don’t fine me for disagreeing with her. They really are extensive. You might be surprised.”

  “You mean he could really get lost in there?” said Amphora.

  “Sure,” said Simon. “He isn’t that bright in the first place, and he doesn’t know what he’s doing. Those whiny kids always end up getting lost. I’m surprised that didn’t happen at Blackpool.”

  “He had Wiffle with him then,” said Amanda.

  “Do you really think he’s that dumb?” said Ivy. “I thought he was a bit clueless, but he does well in his classes, doesn’t he?”

  “I dunno,” said Simon. “I’ve never seen his papers. Van Helden House did really badly on the class project last term though.”

  “I don’t think debating Gordon’s intelligence is going to get us anywhere,” said Amanda. “There really is going to have to be a search party.”

  “So he wasn’t just being the Lone Ranger?” said Amphora.

  “Unfortunately no,” said Amanda. “For once he actually had a point.”

  The kids laughed. No joke at Wiffle’s expense was ever over the top. He was so irritating that he made himself a target. If only he realized that.

  Just then a coterie of teachers walked past the common room door. As they did so, Professor Also stuck her head in and said, “Anyone see Gordon Bramble?”

  “Hours ago,” said Amphora.

  “Where was that?” said the teacher.

  “At the big fork in the basements,” said Amphora.

  “Oh, the glade,” said Professor Also. The friends looked at each other. The place where all the tunnels converged was about as far from a glade as you could imagine.

  “Uh, right,” said Simon.

  “Does anyone know if he has his phone with him?” said Professor Also.

  No one spoke.

  “All right, I think it’s time to start looking.”

  She held her phone and punched in a text. Within about a minute, Professors Buck and Ducey had arrived. They seemed to be the go-to teachers for day-to-day crises. They took off into the basements like a shot.

  “Now we wait,” said Professor Also.

  They waited and they waited and they waited. With each passing moment David Wiffle grew more agitated. He was sure his friend was dead or had fallen into the clutches of some unnamable bogeyman. At first the kids weren’t the least bit worried. There was so much to explore down there that who wouldn’t spend as long as he could? But when Gordon didn’t emerge for dinner, even they became concerned.

  “You don’t think something really happened to him?” said Amphora, chewing a bit of lettuce. “Mmm, this dressing is wonderful.”

  “Doubt it,” said Simon. “He’s just lost. And I don’t think it’s so great. Kind of vinegary if you ask me.” He made a face.

  “How about a head injury?” said Amanda. “No, I think Amphora’s right. It is good.”

  “There haven’t been any aftershocks since he left,” said Simon. “Take mine then.” He started to shovel his salad onto Amphora’s plate, which caused her to snatch it away and hold it up. The lettuce fell onto the table. “Hey, why’d ya do that? I’m trying to help.”

  “Simon, you’re coming perilously close to another fine,” said Ivy.

  “Poppycock,” he said. “I’m being nice.”

  “Are not,” said Amphora, who was looking unsure about putting her plate back down.

  “Just do it, dodo,” said Simon. “I’m not going to try helping you anymore.”

  “Simon, fifty p,” said Ivy.

  “You know, Ivy, I think you’re biased,” he said. “Why is it always my fault?”

  “It isn’t,” said Ivy. Amphora looked annoyed and started to open her mouth, but stopped when Amanda shook her head. “Now, getting back to Gordon, I think something could have happened to him. A rock could have come loose.”

  “If he was knocked out, they would have found him and brought him back,” said Simon, pushing his plate away in a way that was obviously intended to annoy Amphora. When anyone even implied that Rupert Thwack’s food wasn’t four-star quality, she gave them a lecture. His move seemed to do the trick. Amphora looked so mad Amanda fully expected her to stand up and thwack Simon in the nose. “Say, I wonder if he’s hiding on purpose.”

  “Why would that be?” said Amanda.

  “To prove a point,” said Simon. “I think our friend Gordon is having an identity crisis and he’s rebelling against everything and everyone.”

  “That sounds possible,” said Ivy. “Ever since he set off those glitter explosions he’s changed.”

  “Yes, but why would he have to go that crazy?” said Amanda.

  “Let’s put it this way,” said Simon. “If you’d spent half your life hanging around with Wiffle, wouldn’t you have lost your mind?”

  “Good point,” said Amanda.

  Just then there was a commotion out in the hall and who should appear but Gordon Bramble himself. He was disheveled and dusty and muttering under his breath. He stumbled into the dining room, getting junk all over the floor.

  “Hey, Gordon,” called out Simon. “You okay?”

  No response.

  “Hey, man,” said Simon. “Are you all right?”

  “Mr. Bramble,” said Professor Buck, emerging just behind him. “Snap to.”

  More muttering, but no acknowledgment from Gordon that there was anyone in the world outside of himself.

  “This isn’t good,” said Ivy. “Hang on. What was that?” She seemed to have heard something Gordon was saying. “You’re kidding me.”

  “What?” said Amanda, Amphora, and Simon together.

  “Hoo boy,” said Ivy in a low voice. “I think he inhaled some spores or something. He’s saying something about having overheard some weird stuff the teachers said.”

  “What?” the three friends said again.

  “I can’t tell that well, but it seems to have something to do with the Moriartys,” said Ivy.

  “Oh great,” said Amanda. “Just what we need.”

  “If the Moriartys are involved, it’s serious,” said Ivy. “OMG, you don’t think they have the whatsit, do you?”

  “I’m beginning to think just that,” said Amanda. “And if that’s the case, it’s no wonder they’re upset. Even in prison, that family is really dangerous.�
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  Just then David Wiffle stuck his head into the room and started screaming at Amanda’s group.

  “Do you have any idea how dangerous it is down there? Look at him. He’s out of his mind. This is your fault. If anything happens to him it will be on your heads. You are completely selfish and irresponsible.”

  “What’s going on here?” said Headmaster Thrillkill, appearing next to the Wiffle kid. “Oh, hello, Mr. Bramble. Are you quite all right?”

  Gordon was still muttering to himself. His eyes were glassy.

  “Professor,” said David, “this is all their fault. They tempted him into the basements.”

  “Did you do that, Mr. Binkle?” Thrillkill said looking straight at Simon.

  “No, sir,” said Simon. “We didn’t encourage him at all. We just said that we didn’t want him with us. If anything, that should have deterred him.” He had a point, but it wasn’t as well made as it could have been.

  “Mr. Bramble, I want you to go to the nurse at once,” said Thrillkill. “As for you, Mr. Wiffle, and the rest of you, I want you to settle down. Let’s see what the nurse has to say and then we’ll worry about what did or didn’t happen. Am I clear?”

  “Yes, sir,” said all five kids, although Wiffle said it in an insolent way.

  “Sir,” said David. “We’re not supposed to be using skateboards on campus, are we?” He gave Simon a sidelong glance.

  “I don’t see any reason not to,” said Thrillkill. “As long as everyone obeys the rules of the road. Now run along. I’m sure you have homework to do.”

  He removed himself from the room. Wiffle, who was getting really good at noisy exits, once again stomped away, taking Gordon by the shoulders and marching him down the hall toward the hospital. The teachers scattered who knew where, and the four friends were alone once more.

  16

  Back to the Whatsit

  Even though there was an unidentified body to contend with, the kids felt that finding the whatsit was the most critical problem facing the school, so Amanda decided to make a list of all the terrible things that might happen without it and speculate on what might cause them.