‘You’re just scared to let go of him because he’s been in your life for so long. That’s all. He’s familiar. He’s safe. But it’s okay, y’know? To let go of him.’
‘I don’t want to let go of him.’ Her voice was quiet, her arms folded back across her chest, putting an almost defensive barrier up between the two of them. ‘I love him.’
‘You got scared because you fell for a man who was a decade younger than you, and in your world that didn’t feel right.’
She shook her head, her eyes staring right at him.
‘But it’s okay, to feel scared. But marrying a man you think you want to spend the rest of your life with, just because he’s always been there? Admit it, Amber. You still have feelings for me, and they run so much deeper than you want to believe.’
She threw back her head, letting loose a loud laugh. ‘Jesus, you are something else.’
‘We’re a family, Amber.’
‘No, Ryan. Enough! I’m not getting into this.’
‘I love you.’
‘So you keep saying. But it doesn’t make any difference.’
He said nothing, but he didn’t take his eyes off her. He held her gaze, determined not to walk away from this until there was no fight left in him. And that was never going to happen. Never.
‘I don’t want you to go,’ she said quietly, leaning back against the counter. Her voice suddenly changed, carrying a tone of something verging upon defeat now. The whole atmosphere had changed, right there, in an instant.
‘And I don’t want to go without you. But if I stay in the UK, I can’t promise things are gonna be easy, Amber. For either of us.’
She felt tears start to prick the back of her eyes, and she quickly wiped them with the back of her hand, finally turning her head away from him, breaking that stare.
‘I don’t want you to go,’ she repeated.
‘Then come with me.’
She took a deep breath, throwing her head back, wiping her eyes again as more tears started to fall. ‘How’s it come to this, Ryan?’
‘I don’t know, baby. I guess we all made some bad choices along the way, and now we’re left with no other option but to go with the only choices left to us.’
‘I need to talk to Max…’ she said, moving away from the counter to go and look for her phone, but he gently grabbed her wrist, stopping her from going anywhere.
‘And what exactly are you gonna say, Amber?’
‘This is crazy. You can’t go to America. I don’t want you to go.’
‘But you don’t want me, right?’
She looked at him, right into those dark-blue eyes of his, her head now a mess of emotions. He had no right to turn up here and lay this on her. He had no right.
Pulling her arm free of his grip she walked back over to the counter, keeping her back to him as she leaned forward, closing her eyes. Her head was spinning now. Yes, she’d known his contract was up at the end of the season, and yes, she’d always known he’d make another attempt to move back down to London, she knew all that. And was that what she’d always secretly hoped for? Really? Deep down, had she actually wanted him to move closer?
She kept her eyes closed, breathing in deeply as she became aware of him behind her now. She could feel him standing there, and she was doing nothing to stop him because her head was all over the place when not half an hour ago all she’d been able to think about was rushing back home to be with her husband. The man she loved. The man she wanted to spend the rest of her life with, right? Wasn’t that the plan?
So why wasn’t she turning around and doing something to prevent whatever this could be from starting? Why wasn’t she doing that? Hadn’t she learned anything over these messed-up couple of years?
She pulled her stomach in, clenching her muscles as she felt his hand rest on her thigh, his breath warm on the back of her neck. The danger signals were all too obvious, screaming at her so loudly she could hear them ringing in her ears and still she was doing nothing to stop this.
‘Ryan…’ One half-hearted attempt at making him stop. Yeah, that was going to work. And, anyway, she didn’t want him to stop.
His mouth was kissing her neck now, his hands sliding up under her short sundress, slowly pulling her knickers down, and it was then that a brief moment of clarity struck, and she quickly put her hand over his. She stopped him from pushing those knickers down any further. And for a couple of seconds nothing happened. His hand stayed right where it was, and she clung onto it, determined this wasn’t going to happen. She was determined, right? So why did she eventually pull her hand away? That action did nothing but give him permission to carry on with what he intended to do.
Those alarm bells couldn’t be ringing any louder now as he tugged at her knickers until they fell around her ankles. And still she did nothing. When his hand slid back up her legs to rest on her hips, she moved her feet apart, which gave out completely the wrong message. And letting him pull her knickers down around her ankles had been the right one?
Oh, Jesus, his hands were on her bottom now, his fingers running over it so lightly and sending the most exquisite shivers coursing right through her, and she found herself arching her back slightly, pushing her bottom back at him as she stretched out, and she liked it. What he was doing to her, she liked it. Even though she knew it shouldn’t be happening. They shouldn’t be doing this.
But still she let him push her dress up over her waist, let his hands continue to run over her bottom, and it was driving her crazy. Every inch of her was screaming at her to push him away, to make him stop this; make him leave. But there was another, tiny part of her that was frozen. A part of her didn’t want him to stop, didn’t want him to go anywhere. And it was that part that was winning.
His hands had moved up now. They were running over her hips, stroking her waist, and when they reached her breasts, both his hands covering them, she pushed back harder against him, unable to stop the moans of pleasure from escaping, even though she was aware that was the most dangerous thing she could have done. She’d let him know this was okay. She’d let him know she was enjoying him touching her, when this shouldn’t be happening. She’d almost let it happen before and that had been wrong, too. But this – this was leading somewhere they hadn’t reached last time. And she couldn’t stop it. Or should that be, she wouldn’t stop it?
Stepping out of her knickers she kicked them away, pulling his hands off her as she turned around to face him. ‘Is this what you want?’ she asked, slipping her sundress down until it fell to the floor, and she kicked that away, too.
He ran a hand along the back of his neck, his eyes scanning her naked body. ‘It’s what I’ve always wanted, Amber.’ He reached out to touch her cheek, running his fingers over her skin, his eyes locked on hers now. ‘You are all I’ve ever wanted.’
‘Oh, come on now, Ryan. We both know that isn’t true.’
‘It’s true now.’
‘And the circumstances have changed.’ She could feel her breathing start to break up as he moved closer.
‘Come with me,’ he whispered, cupping her cheek in his hand, his mouth almost touching hers now. ‘You, me, and our baby, Amber. We could have a beautiful life out there.’
All she could do was close her eyes and let him kiss her. It was as if all the energy had been sucked right out of her. As though, all of a sudden, someone somewhere had cruelly flicked a switch that was making her do this, making her travel down this road. And if she told herself that enough times she might just start to believe it. Because she obviously wasn’t yet ready to take responsibility for her own actions.
‘I want you naked, too,’ she said quietly, pulling at his belt, sliding it out of his jeans and throwing it down on the floor next to her discarded dress and unnecessary underwear. ‘I think that’s only fair because I feel at a bit of a disadvantage here. And, besides, if we’re gonna do this, I’d quite like to look at that crazy-sexy body of yours.’
He’d whipped off his t-shirt before s
he’d even finished the sentence, revealing his rock-hard abs and his smooth, naked skin. Her beautiful footballer – that’s what he’d once been to her. Her beautiful, beautiful footballer.
And then clarity returned. That nagging voice that was buried somewhere deep inside her. It made itself known, again. ‘No, Ryan…’ Was this the guilt finally coming to the fore once more? Before she had a chance to do something really stupid? ‘This is wrong. It’s wrong.’
‘Does it feel wrong?’ He was close to her again, his mouth almost touching her ear, his hand on her hip.
She shook her head, even though she was lying. It felt so, so wrong. But she wanted it. The idea of him leaving, of him being so far away, it had confused her. Scared her. Messed with her head and brought to the forefront thoughts and feelings she hadn’t realised she still harboured. And she needed to know. She needed to be sure. So, yes, it was wrong. But she needed to know.
His hand slipped into hers, holding it tightly as their mouths touched; a gentle, slow kiss. A kiss that was making her cry because she knew it shouldn’t be happening. But that didn’t make it right. She couldn’t make it right now; she’d gone too far, crossed that line. She’d let him back in and she shouldn’t have done that. But it had happened now. And she couldn’t stop it.
Her heart was beating like the loudest of drums, her head spinning as his mouth stayed on hers, his tongue running over the roof of her mouth, leaving her in no doubt it was him who was kissing her. Which only served to set off another wave of guilt.
‘I can’t do this, Ryan.’ That nagging voice inside her head had returned once more, refusing to let her get away with this easily. It had obviously decided she needed to feel the guilt a little more, and it was working. That guilt was washing over her in waves so strong they felt like physical punches to the stomach. ‘I can’t.’
‘No, listen, baby, you can. You can. We keep getting to this point, me and you. We keep getting to this point, so, doesn’t that tell you something?’
‘It tells me I’m weaker than I ever thought I could be.’
He held onto her hips, keeping her where she was, and she put up no fight. What would be the point? That line she shouldn’t have crossed – she was way over it now.
‘Look, Amber, whether you stay with him, or see sense and come with me, I’m probably gonna go to L.A. I have to. Because, if you stay with him it’s gonna destroy me. I didn’t want to face up to it before because I thought I’d get used to it. I thought I’d be able to handle it. I was wrong. I was so fucking wrong. I can’t handle it. I can’t stand by and watch you with him. I can’t do that.’
She reached out to touch his face, wiping away his tears with her thumb, that ache in her heart making her breathless. ‘You could have any woman you want, Ryan Fisher. Why the hell are you wasting your time on me?’
‘I don’t want any woman, Amber.’ He wiped his own tears away with the back of his hand, averting his gaze from hers for just the briefest of seconds before his eyes met hers again. ‘I want you.’
‘This is so messed up,’ she whispered, the rush of blood to her head so sudden she felt slightly faint, and she had to quickly grab onto him to steady herself.
His arm circled her waist, pulling her against him, and she closed her eyes as his mouth lowered down onto hers again, sending her spiralling down into that vortex of confusion she was falling deeper into. She’d thought she knew what she wanted. She’d thought everything was so clear in her mind, but she’d only been kidding herself. All the fighting against him and all the pretence that she didn’t want him around – she’d just been kidding herself. Because all it had taken was for him to tell her he was leaving, going somewhere so far away – that’s all it had taken for her to realise she didn’t want him to leave. But did she want to go with him?
‘I can’t,’ she whispered, finally finding the strength to gently push him away, crouching down to pick up her discarded dress.
‘You’re right, Amber. This is one really messed-up situation.’ Ryan watched as she stepped back into her sundress, covering that body he craved like a drug. ‘But don’t we owe it to that baby in there to give us a chance?’
‘Oh no. Don’t you dare start bringing our son into this. Don’t play the emotional card, Ryan, because that really isn’t fair. Don’t you think I would love for Rico to have his mum and dad together? Don’t you think that’s what I would have wanted for him?’
‘Then make it happen. It’s right there, Amber. Just waiting for you to reach out and take it.’
‘I’m not doing this,’ she said, walking away, back out onto the terrace. It was dark outside now, the terrace lit up by wall lights and fairy lights that hung from the trees around the pool. Out in the distance she could see the lights of Palma Nova, the resort coming to life once more as the bars and restaurants got ready for another night on this beautiful island. And for a few seconds she felt a wave of – was that peace? It was something she could only really describe as calm as she looked out ahead of her. All she could hear were the crickets and the faint sound of music coming from a nearby bar; it was almost perfect.
‘It’s right here, Amber. I’m right here.’
She turned around, her heart picking up that ridiculous rhythm again as she looked at him, his hands in the pockets of his jeans, his dark hair slightly dishevelled. He looked like the man she’d spent the past year trying to deny she’d ever been in love with. But of course she’d been in love with him. Of course she had.
‘I’m right here.’
She walked slowly over to him, reaching out to touch his face with her fingertips, letting them run lightly over his jawline, his stubble rough beneath her fingers, but she didn’t care. She loved the way he looked with that beard and his sexy-as-hell tattoos. ‘I don’t know what to do, Ryan.’
‘You don’t have to do anything yet,’ he whispered, pushing her back against the whitewashed wall. ‘Just let me love you. Even if it’s just for a few hours, Amber, please. Just let me love you.’
‘It’s dangerous.’
‘So what?’ He was pushing her dress down, and she was helping him, whether she realised she was doing it or not, she was helping him.
‘This is gonna hurt people.’
‘They won’t find out.’
Her dress was down around her ankles now, and she kicked it away. What else could she do? ‘He’ll find out, Ryan. Jim. He’ll know, and I can’t do this to him…’ Ryan kissed her, so hard and so deep she had no other option but to give in to him. That switch had been flicked again, and there was no turning back now.
Before she even had a chance to realise what was happening, her arms were around his neck, his hands firm against the wall behind her as he leaned into her, their mouths still together. It was wrong, but it was so, so hot. She could feel herself burning up, so she was grateful for the feel of that cool wall behind her; grateful for the slight breeze that was blowing across the terrace because having him so near was almost too much to bear.
‘Do you want this?’ he asked, his mouth resting on hers as he spoke, her hand on the back of his neck keeping him close. He reached into his back pocket, pulling out the foil-wrapped packet. ‘We’ll be careful, okay?’
Her eyes met his for what felt like the longest minute, and she nodded, her stomach flipping over, pushing aside all the guilt. For now. Because as he ripped open the condom packet with his teeth, somehow, he made that one of the sexiest things she’d ever seen.
‘Come here,’ she whispered, a sharp jolt of something almost electric shooting through her as their fingers touched. ‘Let me do that.’ He was so hard it was easy, his mouth closing in on hers as her fingers ran over him. There was no turning back now. That chance had gone.
So when he lifted her up she had no choice but to wrap her legs around him, holding onto him so tightly, and then she felt him – something she hadn’t felt in so long, because she’d stopped it from happening. She felt him push into her, and she couldn’t stop the cry from escaping.
A cry of pleasure, a cry of pain and confusion, a cry of guilt; it didn’t really matter. He was there, she’d let him back in and it was wrong, but it was happening. She could feel him pushing deep, each thrust sending wave after wave of that guilt crashing over her, but she could push it aside. For now. Because it felt like the release she’d needed.
She buried her face in his hair as he pushed harder, her legs crushing him against her, her hands clinging onto his shoulders as she felt those tingles start to build, her body responding faster as his thrusts got quicker. And then it hit her: that blanket of pins and needles, that rush of white-hot pain spreading through her so fast she couldn’t breathe.
‘Jesus, Amber…’ he groaned, his body stiffening for a second or two as his own release took hold, and she clung on even tighter as he gave that one, final thrust. ‘Jesus!’
She kept her eyes closed as she felt him withdraw, unwrapping her legs from around him, and she hoped those legs of hers would hold her up because they felt so weak.
‘You okay?’ he asked, his hand cupping her cheek, his forehead resting against hers.
She nodded, running her hand up and down his arm, her whole body still tingling. ‘What do we do now, Ryan?’
‘The ball’s in your court, Amber.’
She looked down, her hand gripping his wrist. ‘Just an hour ago I was talking to my husband,’ she whispered. ‘I was so sure. And now…’ Her eyes met his. ‘Now I don’t know what to do. Because you’ve walked in here and you’ve fucked all that up, Ryan. All of it. I thought I was so much in love with him that nothing could ever get in the way of that. But now…’ She trailed off, because she wasn’t entirely sure of what she was saying. She didn’t know whether what they’d just done had affected her thinking temporarily or permanently, and the confusion was just overwhelming. It was too much.
‘Let me stay the night, Amber. Please.’
‘I shouldn’t…’
‘Please.’
She looked right into his eyes, and she felt the most beautiful pain cut across her. A pain she didn’t know how to ease. And she didn’t even know if she wanted to.
Final Score Page 39