She was offering him everything, and he was walking away. She didn’t understand. Her brain scrambled for a way to make him see that this was what they both needed. Her nails cut into her palms. She would not cry. He just didn’t understand.
She tried to make eye contact, but he turned away.
He stared out the window. “We have a plan. It’s a good plan for everyone. I’ll visit Denver during the year, and on holidays and in summer you’ll come here with her.”
“But what if I want more?” Each word had to be pushed past the sand in her throat.
“I have no more to offer.”
“I’m stronger now. I know what I want. I... We can get it right this time.” She followed him, needing him to understand.
His forehead was deeply creased. “And if we don’t? You were never the problem in our relationship, you understand that, right?”
“I have accountability in this, too.” She circled her arms around her waist. “I expected you to know what I was thinking and feeling. Instead of dealing with the real issues, I ran and hid. We’ve learned so much, and both of us are stronger in our faith.”
She moved around the counter and put her hand on top of his, not letting him get away this time. “You were my world. I thought we would just love each other enough and the problems would go away. I loved you so much. We could have that again.”
He pulled away. “I destroyed your world.”
“You won’t do that again. I won’t let you.” The lopsided cup caught her eye. Picking it up, she traced the uneven surface. “This cup isn’t perfect, but our daughter made it with perfect love. Just like that mirror, we can build a new world. A better world. A world that can survive the storm.”
“I don’t want you or Rosemarie anywhere near me if that storm hits again. It’s never far. If you’re in Denver with her, you’ll be safe.”
“That’s what you want? For me and Rosemarie to be over a thousand miles from you?”
He wouldn’t look at her. “I can be a good weekend dad. I didn’t cut it as an everyday husband.” He started pacing. “You want me to pull out my family history? Your parents had it right. You and Rosemarie need to be as far away from the De La Rosa family as possible.”
“She is a De La Rosa,” she whispered. She wanted to grab him and make him face her, stare into her eyes until he understood that he deserved to be loved. “Elijah, please.”
“No. You made sure she was a Daniels. Which might be best in the long run. The De La Rosa legacy will not be hers.”
“You can’t let Frank define who you are.”
“I’m not, but some things are facts.”
“I don’t believe it.”
He dropped his shoulders, as if the fight had left his body. He rubbed his fingers hard against his forehead.
She stood on the edge, waiting for him to join her. Needing him to join her. Everything she ever dreamed of was in front of her if he would only take her hand.
* * *
Elijah forced himself to step away from her. It would be too easy to grab the hand she offered and hang on. But he knew better. Her eyes sparkled with excitement. He didn’t want to be the one who took that away. Not again.
“You really want her to grow up in a town where she’ll be known as one of those De La Rosas? And don’t you dare lie to me. You wouldn’t even give her my name, and you were all the way in Denver.”
“I regret that. You and your cousins have changed the legacy of your family name. I’m proud of you and I want Rosemarie to see that, to be a part of your life, here in Port Del Mar.”
Loser. Worthless. Drunk. He didn’t want his daughter to hear those words about him. He couldn’t breathe. Turning sharply on his heels, he went through the double doors to the back deck. The waves crashed against the shore.
He felt her hand on the center of his back, circling in a soothing motion. He closed his eyes. Longing for everything he lost swirled in his head. The desire to give in. To tell her yes.
Her touch was as soft as gentle waves. “Some of the best moments of my life happened right here. We could have the future we dreamed of if you have the faith.”
Gently, he stepped back, disconnecting them. Turning, he held her arm, palm up. His fingers traced the jagged scar that sliced her palm. “I did this to you.”
“You didn’t cause my injury.”
His head tilted back. He closed his eyes. “I should have been your safe place.”
“We were young and made mistakes.”
“Sometimes letting go and moving on is the best second chance we can hope for.”
“No. You apologized, right? Everything about your life since I left shows you meant it. You don’t think you deserve to be happy.”
Blinking did not ease the burn behind his eyes. How did he answer that? His jaw locked.
“You don’t, do you?”
He felt raw. It was like she was gouging his chest, exposing all his weakness. “I’m happy with my life. What I don’t deserve is your trust. I’m toxic. I live one day at a time. I can’t promise you a future. I can’t promise that in one month or ten years I’ll be the man I am today.”
He ran his hand through his hair to stop himself from grabbing her. “I’m one drink away from being Ben, drunk in the parking lot fighting with a friend who’s trying to help me.”
“I’m not the same pushover. We belong together. Our daughter deserves to grow up in the home we built. You’re my husband. In my heart you always have been, even after I signed the papers.” Her gaze scorched him. “Elijah, could you grow to love me again?” Fear and doubt etched each word.
His face tightened. I love you so much. I’ve loved you forever. The words fought to get past his lips, but they wouldn’t budge. They lodged in his throat. He needed them to stay buried.
“The question was never whether I loved you. Do I love you enough to walk away, to protect you? I’m one drink away from being the man that chased you away. He’s still inside me. Lurking.”
“God has you.”
“Jazmine, I’m an alcoholic. My life happens one day at a time. That’s all I have. All I can offer. It’s not good enough.”
Her lips parted.
“There is no cure for what I have. We can’t do this to Rosemarie.” Tears were running down his face, but he was powerless to stop them. “If I go down again, I’m not pulling you with me. Don’t trust me.”
“I trust God.”
An exasperated huff of air escaped his lungs. “Stop being stubborn.” He took a deep breath, calming himself, then lowered his voice. “I’m doing this for you. What if our love isn’t stronger than the addiction?” He shook his head. “I can’t risk losing control and her seeing that side of me.”
“Do you regret marrying me?” The hard edge of her voice softened.
He couldn’t answer that. She was his life. The world was a better place with her in it. He was a better man because she was in his world. He swallowed, not blinking, as their eyes stayed locked.
“Okay.” Head down, she smoothed the pretty pink skirt that floated around her legs. She had been so innocent when he first met her.
“You deserve better than me.” He needed her to get that it was about saving her, not hurting her. “So does our daughter, but she’s stuck with me as her father. I’ll do the best I can, but I can’t promise anything long-term.”
Her breath hitched, and her body stiffened. “You’re a coward.” It was a harsh whisper between clenched teeth.
He was doing this for his family. He was going to be a man of courage for the first time in his life. “If that’s what it takes to keep you both safe, then I guess I’m a coward. Go back to Denver, Jazz.”
Back straight, she lifted her chin. Her eyes searched his face and her mouth opened, as if she had more to say. He braced himself. He couldn’t be weak now.
“It’s ove
r, Jazmine. Let me go.”
She swung around and walked out the door. This time, she wouldn’t be coming back. The urge to yell at her, to beg her to keep fight for him, hit him like a tidal wave taking him under. Pulling everything out, leaving him hollow.
The door clicked shut behind her, and he fell to his knees and prayed. Tears fell hard. He wanted to reach inside and rip his heart out. He just needed to stop the pain. His elbows hit the ground, and he buried his fingers in his hair. “Please God. You’re my strength.” With her light gone, the darkness threatened to overtake him. This time he wouldn’t let it.
He scoured his mind for a verse. John 12:46. “‘I am come a light into the world, that whosoever believeth on me should not abide in darkness. I am come a light into the world, that whosoever believeth on me should not abide in darkness.’”
On the floor, he repeated the verse over and over again.
Chapter Fifteen
The moon looked as if it hung right above her parents’ house. Pulling into the shadow of the tall, three-story home, Jazmine parked her car. She rested her head against the steering wheel and sobbed. She had been able to hold the worst of it back as she drove, but she was safe in her parents’ driveway now.
A tap on the window caused her to jump right along with her heart. Her mother stood in the dark. Hand on her chest, Jazmine opened the door. “What are you doing? You scared me half to death.”
“I’m sorry, pumpkin.” Without another word, Azalea pulled her grown daughter into her arms and rocked her like a child.
After a few minutes of crying until her throat and ribs hurt, she sat back and wiped at her face. “Mom, what are you doing out here?”
“I was waiting for you on the balcony, but when you didn’t get out of the car I got worried.” Tucking a loose curl behind Jazmine’s ear, Azalea laid her forehead against her daughter’s. “It didn’t go the way you wanted? You were gone a long time.”
“No.” Jazmine stepped back and rubbed the back of her hand across her face. A stupid sob escaped.
Her mother took her by the hand and pulled her to the back door. “Let’s go sit on the balcony. I have lemonade and brownies waiting for you.”
The crying started all over.
Once on the top balcony, she settled in and allowed her mother to pamper her. Jazmine noticed the Bible open on the table. “What have you been reading?”
“My Bible study group has been discussing Romans. This week, Romans 5:8 was part of our reading, and it stuck with me. I was praying over it while you were gone.”
Jazmine leaned back in the rocker and sipped her drink, trying to let the stress float past her. “What does it say?”
“‘But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.’”
The corner of her mouth curled. “You’ve concluded that God loves Elijah.”
“Oh, it’s much more personal than that. God loves me despite my own sin, yet I sit here judging Elijah for actions from the past. What does the last six years tell me about him? It’s the plank in my eye while I point out your splinter. Don’t get me wrong. Getting you out that night? I would do it again. But the following months should have been handled differently. He has to hate us, but he’s been very patient.”
“We talked about that tonight. He understands why you hid us. He did the same for his family. Part of his healing has involved letting go of the past and the anger and taking responsibility for his actions.”
Her mother sighed. “So, why the tears?”
Her throat burned. If she spoke, the tears would start all over again.
Azalea slid into the large rocker next to her. “What happened?”
“He doesn’t want us to be close.”
Warmth surrounded her as her mother pulled her into her arms. The crying started all over again. When the sobs finally subsided, she leaned back, focusing on the stars so far away.
“Tuesday, we’ll be leaving for Denver.” With a slight turn of her head, she looked at her mother and gave her the best smile she could manage. “The message was loud and clear. Not only is there no future for us as a family, he thinks we should go back to Denver. As far from him as possible. That should reassure you.”
Azalea didn’t let go of Jazmine’s hands. “No, baby. All I ever wanted was for you to be happy. I thought you were happy in Denver, but after watching you the last few weeks, I realize you were just surviving. You’re a great mother, but I think a part of you was missing. Maybe it’s time for you to come back.”
Jazmine frowned. “Rosemarie and I are fine in Denver. She’ll get to see her father every other weekend and spend summers with her grandparents.”
Azalea put her arm around her daughter, resting her chin on the top of Jazmine’s head. “I know I’ve tried everything in my power to keep you from Elijah. But some things are in God’s hands. These last few weeks there’s been a joy in you I haven’t seen in years. I think you belong here, with Elijah.”
“Mom?” She pulled back and looked at her mother, stunned. “What have you done with my mother?” Sighing, she shook her head and rested on her mother’s shoulder. “You might have changed your opinion, but it doesn’t matter. He doesn’t want me in his life.”
“That man loves you. He always has. I’ve seen how he treats Rosemarie. He’s a good father. If I truly believe that God can change people, then I believe the evidence in Elijah’s life. Not just this summer, but what he’s done since you left. You wanted to fight for him after that first weekend, but you were so hurt and lost. It was easy for us to take care of everything and send you away. Are you strong enough to fight for him now?”
Fresh tears made their way up from the bottom of her heart. “I don’t know.”
“He tried everything short of breaking down our door to get to you, and that was before he knew about Rosemarie.”
Jazmine sat up. “It’s true? You and Daddy lied to me.” She closed her eyes. The betrayal hit hard. She had based so many decisions on the lies her parents had told her. “You told me he wanted the divorce. When I asked how he was doing, you said his drinking was worse.”
“It was.” The words were sharp and defensive. Azalea dropped her head. “The time I went...” She looked back up at Jazmine, her eyes softer, regret deep. “It was the week after he signed the papers. I went to the house and, well, it wasn’t pleasant. That was the last time I saw him in that condition or heard about him drinking.”
“He told me he had one setback when he realized I wasn’t coming home.”
Her mother took her hands in hers, and Jazmine saw tears in her eyes. “Oh sweetheart, I’m so sorry. We just wanted to protect you. It’s not an excuse, but I didn’t know what else to do. I was so afraid I’d lose you. I’d do anything to keep you safe. We went too far.”
Pulling away, Jazmine stood and went to the railing. The moon hung low in the night sky, the reflection dancing on the waves. “You know he said that? He said he understood why you did what you did. He’s trying to protect us.” She turned back to her mother. “From him.” The tears started falling again.
Coming to her side, Azalea wrapped an arm around her. “You’re a good mother. You’d never put Rosie at risk. He’s proving to be a good father. If you think the best place for you both is with him, I’ll support you.”
“Are you sure?”
Her mother’s gentle hand on her cheek took her back to childhood. “In my need to control, you might not notice this, but I do trust you. I also see the world a little differently these days.” She kissed her temple. “I almost lost your father. I’m working on trusting God more. That’s not easy for me. Elijah is surrounded by the good choices he’s made since you left. You need to stay true to your heart. God has you, follow Him.”
“It’s that easy?”
“Yes and no. Nothing of true value is easy.” Her mother cupped Ja
zmine’s face. “You’re strong, my beautiful daughter. God will show you the way. And I’ll support you.”
Did she know the right thing to do for all of them? Jazmine looked at the time. Elijah would be here bright and early to take them fishing. He didn’t trust himself, and she had only reinforced that by not allowing him to be responsible for Rosemarie.
She needed to prove to both that he was trustworthy.
* * *
“Mommy! Mommy! Wake up.”
Jazmine groaned at the weight bouncing on her bed. Forcing one eye open, she peered at the time. It was almost five o’clock. Why was Rosie...? She shot up. “Your father!”
With all the drama last night, she’d forgotten to make sure her alarm was set. She rubbed her face.
“Daddy said to be ready by five. You’re not ready.”
Blinking her eyes, she focused on her daughter. Rosemarie was wearing a Painted Dolphin T-shirt, jeans, and the pink and purple waders Elijah had bought her. And a purple tutu. Oh, to be five and wear whatever struck your mood.
The tutu matched her new fishing pole. She was even wearing Jazmine’s oversize hat.
“What do you think about making this a day with your dad and cousins, a De La Rosa trip?” She needed to prove to Elijah that she did trust him. Plus, spending all day with him in the confines of a boat might prove too much for her right now. Her emotions were still raw. And she had a great deal of praying to do.
“But you’re coming. You don’t want to fish?”
“It’s not really my thing. Anyway, I thought you might like a little time alone with your father.”
Rosie plopped onto the bed. “We could talk about you.” She giggled.
Before she could ask what, they would talk about, there was a knock on the door.
“He’s here! Mommy, you’re still in your pajamas.”
Her pajamas consisted of an oversize Jim’s Pier T-shirt and yoga pants. Slipping out of bed, she threw her robe on. “Go get your fishing pole and backpack.”
Then she stumbled down the steps, trying to push her hair into some sort of civilized shape.
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