A Surrogate Love Affair

by Jaimie Roberts

  I swallow the bile rising in my throat. “How... How far along are you?”

  “Twenty-four weeks.” Everything seems to spin around me. “Listen, I would love to catch up, but it’s getting cold and Ethan’s waiting for me. I really want to talk to you, though. I want to apologise for the way I behaved recently. I obviously wasn’t myself.” She points to her stomach. “You understand. Hormones and everything.” She bursts into laughter. “Anyway, lovely seeing you. I’ll tell Ethan you stopped by. Speak soon.”

  She immediately shuts the door, leaving me stunned. Finally finding the strength to move, I leave, walking back to my house. I don’t recall the journey. I just feel numb.

  When I step into my house and place Ethan’s doughnuts on the table, the tears start to flow. I fall onto the sofa, crying onto the cushions. I thought Ethan was different, but he seems to be just like Kyle. Was he just biding his time, waiting for the chance to seduce me? And now that he’s had that chance, he can go back to Sarah? All that bullshit he told me about not being happy was just that… Bullshit.

  I don’t think I’ll ever trust another man again. I need to get this divorce and get both men out of my life for good. I was a pushover at one time, but no more.

  After crying until I’m empty, I sit quietly on the sofa for a couple hours, contemplating what my life will be like. I know I need to get up and go to my appointment. I should be happy. In fact, this is supposed to be one of the happiest moments of my life. But now I feel robbed of it. I have never felt resentment for someone before, but I feel it now. I’m ashamed to admit it, but I want what Sarah has.

  As it gets to the point where I can’t postpone it any longer, I grab my keys and head to my appointment. I feel like I’m on auto-pilot as I drive there, then check in. Every time the door of the waiting room opens, I hope it’s Ethan, coming to tell me it was a mistake.

  I have the scan, elated that everything looks normal and healthy. My heart lights up when the doctor prints a few pictures of the baby for me, and any tears shed are ones of happiness.

  I leave, once again feeling the numbness as I walk toward the parking lot. Once home, all I feel is disappointment. I truly thought Ethan was better than this. He certainly gave me the right signals, practically telling me he wanted a full-blown relationship. That’s why this is so odd.

  Whatever the reason, you can’t dispute the fact that Sarah was at his flat. I could hear the shower running. She was in his shirt. She is definitely pregnant. But what disappoints me even more is that Ethan didn’t make the appointment to see his baby.

  I start laughing at the irony. Ethan wanted a baby and now he has two on the way, which means they’ll be siblings with two different mothers. This just all seems like something out of a movie.

  Once I make myself a cup of tea, I turn my phone on, seeing no messages or missed calls from Ethan apologising. No explanation at all.

  Disappointment creeps up again. I always thought I was a good judge of character, but then again, look at me with Kyle. I laugh. Maybe I should turn lesbian. I’m certainly not having much luck with men.

  I sip my tea, contemplating my future. I was ready to be a single mum before Ethan came along with his false promises. Now it looks as though I need to prepare for that once more.

  Chapter Thirty-One

  After two days, I finally get inundated with calls and messages from Ethan. I ignore them all. Quite frankly, there’s nothing he can say. He’s made his choice. I hope he’s happy with it. Once I feel less murderous, I will be able to talk to him about custody and so forth, but right now, all I want to do is rip his head off.

  As I come home from work and pull into my driveway, I realise I have no other choice but to talk to him. Despite the fact it’s nearly below freezing, he looks as though he’s been waiting by my door for hours. He’s visibly freezing, and also looks visibly miserable. A part of me feels elation for both, then I realise just how childish that is.

  Once I place the car in park and turn off the ignition, I get out and walk toward my door. Immediately, he walks up to me. “Alice, I’m so sorry I didn’t make the appointment, but I have very good reason. I need to speak with you.”

  Without saying anything, I open my door, knowing Ethan will follow. Once he shuts the door, he places his hands together and blows in them.

  “You don’t need to explain anything to me. Sarah did that for you,” I say, placing my jacket on the hanger and bag on the counter. When I look up at him, he’s frowning.

  “What do you mean?”

  “The day we were supposed to go to the scan, I decided—stupidly—that it was a good idea to grab your favourite doughnuts and come over early. When I got there, Sarah opened the door wearing nothing but your shirt. You were in the shower and she was going to join you.” I look away, the tears starting to sting my eyes.

  Ethan walks closer. “Alice, I didn’t know she had done this. When I got out of the shower, she was standing in my living room, visibly pregnant. I had no idea she was there or how she had gotten in. It turns out my landlord had been around. When he left, he bumped into Sarah. She told him she was my pregnant wife, so he let her in. Believe me, once she left, I had words with him about that.

  I frown. “You’re not back together?”

  “Fuck no! Not after everything she’s done. Even if she is pregnant with my baby, there’s no way I would want her back.” He places his hand on my cheek. “Not after finding you.” I lean into his hand, then remember.

  “But you missed the appointment. No word. No nothing.”

  Ethan looks pained as he edges closer. “I know, and I’m so sorry. When I saw Sarah standing there and she told me she was pregnant with my baby, I couldn’t think straight. I sat with her and we talked. Well, she mainly talked. I just stared at the wall in shock.” He shakes his head. “When I realised it was past your appointment time, I felt like a failure. After the fifth time I told Sarah we weren’t getting back together, she left. It was dark by then and I was exhausted. I tried ringing your mobile, but it went straight to voicemail. I knew that if I came around, you would be mad at me. I did come by this morning, but you had already left for work. I kept calling your phone and coming around, but you didn’t answer. I just thought it was because you were mad at me for missing the appointment. I never knew it was because Sarah had told you lies.” He pulls me closer. “What else did she say?”

  “She said she was pregnant with your baby and you were getting back together.”

  He shakes his head. “She isn’t the one I love anymore. How can I go back to that when I have everything I need and want right in front of me?”

  I sigh. “This is huge, Ethan. What about the baby?”

  Dropping his head, he takes my hand and leads me to the sofa. Once we sit, he strokes my arm tenderly. “I don’t even know if it’s my baby. I’ve demanded a paternity test, but she refuses to take one. She actually got angry that I would dare question who the father was.”

  I bite my lip. “Well, considering how far gone she is, it’s highly probable. According to Kyle, they were only having an affair for a month before we split up.”

  “I know, but I’m not taking any chances. This baby is probably mine, but I won’t know until the results are in. I’ll keep trying, but I think she’s going to make me wait until the baby is born.”

  “Why do they keep doing this to us?” I sigh in exasperation. I know Kyle has gone quiet, but it still doesn’t take away from the fact that he made my life miserable. Sarah’s also been doing her best to that end. All this after what they did. It just doesn’t seem fair.

  “I know. They cheat on us, but it’s somehow become our fault.” He laughs sadly. “Alice, I’m so sorry I missed the appointment. I feel terrible about it.”

  I see the sincerity in his eyes and smile. “I have some pictures.”

  His eyes light up. “Well, don’t keep me waiting.”

  Getting up, I walk over to my drawer and take out a baby photo album I couldn’t resist
getting in the store yesterday. I hand it to him, sitting down again.

  “My First Pictures,” Ethan says, reading the front of the album. It has heart with a little teddy bear holding a baby in the middle.

  “I saw it yesterday and just had to get it.”

  He opens it up and studies the pictures. “She’s going to be beautiful.”

  I frown. “She?”

  He glances toward me. “A hunch.”

  I scrutinise him, wondering if he means that or if he can actually tell we’re having a girl. “Well, whatever the baby is, we certainly can’t call it Kumquat.”

  He starts laughing. “I don’t know. I quite like the name.”

  I elbow him playfully. “You have got to be kidding me,” I snort in laughter, making Ethan give me a “what on earth was that” face.

  “The baby’s healthy, but I think I need to take you to see someone about those piggy noises you keep making.”

  “Piggy noises?” I screech. “How about you and your Mutley laugh?”

  He frowns again. “Mutley laugh?”

  “Yeah, from Wacky Races. Remember that?”

  He shakes his head, but I can tell he knows who I mean. “That’s just mean.”

  “Coming from the man who says I sound like a pig.”

  He winks at me. “A very cute, sexy pig, though.”

  My laughter vanishes, but I keep the smile on my face. “Thank you.” We stare at each other. I know if we continue, I won’t be able to control myself. For now, I’m too concerned about Sarah. “I can’t believe she’s pregnant,” I say, breaking the spell.

  His face turns sad. “I know. All these years and nothing. Then we break up and she shows up like that.”

  “Yeah, and the irony is she would have conceived just before we started trying for this baby.”

  He looks into the distance, shaking his head. “Yep, that’s definitely irony for you.”

  “How will you feel if you’re the father?”

  “If I’m the father, I will be there for him or her. I will provide financial and fatherly support, but it won’t go beyond that. I’m a hundred percent certain I want to be here with you.” Scooting closer, he takes my hand. “If I’m the father, I will love her child as much as I love ours.” He places his hand on my belly, stirring up raw emotions inside me. One half wants to cry, and the other half wants to make sweet love to this man. “My home is wherever you are.” He swallows hard. “The only thing that concerns me is you won’t want me if I’m the father to another child.”

  I gasp. “God no. I wouldn’t break up with you because of that. You didn’t know this would happen. None of us did. If we find out the baby is yours, I will support you one hundred percent. The only thing I can’t do is play ‘happy family’ with Sarah. I will be civil to her, of course, but I can never get back what we used to have.” Looking down, my shoulders sag. I just wish she hadn’t ruined everything between us. I really thought we were closer than that.

  Ethan places his hand under my chin and lifts my face. “I know she hurt you. She hurt both of us. I wouldn’t expect you to make friends with her again. As long as you say you’re by my side, that’s all that really matters.”

  He leans in, kissing me. I’m immediately swept away by his raw magnetism. It doesn’t matter that I found Sarah half-naked in his flat a couple days ago. I believe what he says. Unlike Kyle, I’m sure I can trust Ethan.

  When he breaks the kiss and gets up, holding out his hand, I grasp it, letting him lead me to the bedroom. He undresses me, kissing my neck the whole time. I watch as he takes his clothes off before leading me to the bed. I’m desperately falling for this man, but I know he’ll be there to catch me.

  After making love, Ethan utters three of the sweetest words I have ever heard. And it’s then I tell him how I feel.

  “I love you, too.”

  Chapter Thirty-Two

  Nine weeks later

  Despite the shocking news of a couple months ago, Ethan and I have been going strong. We are practically inseparable and can’t keep our hands off each other. Seven weeks ago, we spent the weekend in Plymouth, visiting his sister and her husband. It couldn’t have gone better. Ethan had told her about the baby when he visited for business, and his sister took it really well. Judy and I have become really close, practically calling each other every day. She always asks how her little niece or nephew is, which is really sweet.

  As the court case approaches, I can’t wait to finally be free of being called Mrs. Armstrong. Kyle’s still silent, which both worries and confuses me. I’m grateful for the freedom, but I always have one eye on the lookout, just in case he pops up out of nowhere. It’s no way to live, I know that, but I just don’t trust him.

  Then today, out of the blue, I get a text message asking me to meet him at Briarsford Cemetery. I find it odd, but am also intrigued. It isn’t too far from here. I also know there are lots of people milling around most of the time so, probably against my better judgment, I agree.

  I had taken the day off because I was feeling a little ill. I try calling Ethan at work to tell him where I’m going, but he doesn’t answer. I leave a voicemail before grabbing my keys. I still feel a little queasy, but not as bad as I did this morning. Sally—bless her—offered to come over this afternoon with a ginger cake Mrs. Bellingham had made. She got wind that I was ill and could sometimes only keep down anything with ginger, so she insisted on making me a ginger cake, dropping it off at work for somebody to bring to me. One day soon, I know I’m going to have to send her flowers as a thank you. I’m sure she would appreciate that.

  I park by the cemetery and look around. I don’t see Kyle, but I do see people buying flowers from the florist right next to the front gates. I get out and start walking, then receive another text from Kyle.

  Tenth row down the left.

  Looking up, I squint, trying to locate him. In the distance, I spot someone sitting on a bench. It looks like it might be Kyle, but this guy has much shorter hair. I start walking, passing a couple mourning over a child’s grave. My heart goes out to them. As I pass a couple more rows, I spot an elderly man kneeling at the grave of a woman who died five years ago. He’s fussing around it, pulling weeds and laying fresh flowers. He’s so loving, it makes me think she must have been his wife. My heart hurts for the man. I wonder if Ethan and I will be like that when we’re older. He has become my life lately. We connect on a level I’ve never experienced. It’s monumental and exhilarating at the same time.

  As I approach the tenth row, I cautiously move closer to the bench. I can still only see the back of this man with his long black coat and hair that’s shaved at the sides. It’s definitely Kyle’s colour, but I’ve never seen him with a shaved head.

  “Kyle?” I ask guardedly.

  He turns, showing me the crooked smile I used to love so much. He looks different, though. Like the smile is genuine, but not real. There’s a hidden sadness behind it, making me walk closer.

  “Thank you for coming,” he says, immediately staring back to where he was looking.

  I take a seat next to him, but not too close. I’m extremely curious, but also wary. I look around, still seeing a lot of people in the area. I breathe out, feeling better.

  “Is everything okay?” I practically whisper.

  I watch his Adam’s apple bob a little as he swallows. He looks like Kyle, but not the one I married. In fact, this looks like half the man I married. I can tell he’s lost weight and, although his clothes are clean, looks like he hasn’t shaved in a couple days.

  “Three months ago, my father died.”

  Placing my hand over my mouth, I gasp. Instinctively, I edge closer. “Oh, my god, Kyle. I’m so sorry.”

  He sighs. “You couldn’t know. It was a sudden heart attack. My mother phoned for an ambulance, but he died on the way to the hospital. There was nothing they could do.”

  Shaking my head, tears spring to my eyes. I don’t know why I’m crying, considering I used to despise the man.
I just know how close Kyle was to his dad. “I don’t know what to say...”

  “Then don’t say anything. That’s not why I invited you here anyway. It’s not you who needs to talk. It’s me. I just hoped you would give me the time to listen.” He turns to me expectantly.

  “Of course.” As if the timing couldn’t be worse, my phone starts ringing. “Sorry,” I say. “I’ll switch it off.” I take it out of my pocket and see that it’s Ethan. I press REJECT, switch it off, and put it back in my pocket. “I’m all ears.” I look back up at him.

  “I take it that was Ethan?” he asks, looking at me with a raised eyebrow. I’m about to answer when he raises his hand. “You know what? It’s none of my business.” He turns away, placing his hands in his lap.

  This is so surreal. He is Kyle, but not Kyle.

  “After my dad died, I sank into a deep depression. I started drinking even more and getting into fights. My last fight ended up with a man in the hospital on life support. He survived, but it was a wakeup call. I went to court and managed to just scrape out of getting a prison sentence. I am on probation for the next couple years, though.” He stops for a moment, giving me the chance for all this to sink in. I can’t quite believe my ears.

  “After the court case, I decided to seek help and checked myself into an AA clinic. In there, I learned a lot about myself and what I did to others. I realise now that I am a very selfish man. Nothing was ever my fault. It was everyone else’s.” He looks at me. “It was always yours.” He shakes his head. “Have you ever heard of the twelve steps?” I nod. “Number nine is to make amends with anyone we’ve ever wronged. That’s why I’m here.” He turns and gives me a genuine smile. One I had never seen on Kyle before.

  “How’s your mum?” I ask.

  “She’s fine.” He chuckled. “Better than fine, in fact. When I got out of AA, I went home and she looked completely different. Her hair had changed, her wardrobe had changed, and even the house had changed. She looked like a different woman.”