Speakeasy, Speak Love

by Sharon G Clark

  Sunny snickered. “Because for half a second you looked like you might actually smile.” She turned away. “Should’ve known it was too good to be true.”

  “What’s that—” She started to ask, as Margaret snapped, “Sunny, enough.”

  Of course, Fiona did realize what was wrong with her. Too many emotions were bombarding her at once. So many emotions Fiona couldn’t properly single any one out and properly address it. Not that she believed she ever could.

  “I’ll be back soon,” Margaret said, sadness and regret in her tone. Fiona watched Margaret leave, the slump of rejection hunching her shoulders, a reaction growing a little more prominent each time Fiona pushed Margaret away. What was she supposed to do? She had failed them. How could they still want her?

  Fiona, body stiff and aching, exhausted from interrupted sleep due to nightmares, couldn’t bear living with her own pain and inadequacies. How was she supposed to keep exposing those she loved to her uselessness? Over the course of this journey from Boston, and her healing, Fiona wanted to accept Margaret’s touch; wanted Margaret to hold her during and after a nightmare; and, wanted to close the door on the horrid darkness of the reminder of the last couple of months, darkness reminding her of her failures. Fiona hadn’t left this train car in three days. There wasn’t a need, as anything she required was here. Margaret had outdone herself in that respect when she’d made all the arrangements. The car had bench seats that became sleeper-beds, a washroom, and a wonderful view of the passing scenery. If she required food, Brigid, Margaret, or Sunny would make sure Fiona ate. They also made certain she wasn’t alone, in case she needed assistance.

  What did they think she was going to do? Although, if Fiona were honest with herself, she had considered the prospect they possibly feared.

  Fiona needed fresh air and the car’s open window wasn’t providing enough. For the first time in her life, Fiona felt claustrophobic. Sunny’s drumming fingers and the quick rhythmic pumping of her leg wasn’t helping Fiona remain calm. “I need a walk,” she announced, grabbing the damned cane—so she could look as useless as she felt—because her body was still weak, although the physical pain receded every day. Sunny rose with her. “You don’t have to go with me.”

  “Yes, I do,” Sunny said curtly.

  Focused on her own issues, Fiona nearly missed the signals from Sunny. Signals of something, Fiona knew, she should recognize and be addressing. Sunny wasn’t simply upset, but scared. “Is there something wrong?” she asked, pausing before she opened the outer door.

  Biting her lip, Sunny shook her head. Then, she grunted, “Won’t matter for long.” Sunny held the elbow of the arm not clutching the cane. “Come on.” Sunny slid the door open and waited for Fiona to step through into the aisle.

  The swaying of the train as it sped across the tracks made Fiona’s balance precarious at best, but it felt good to be up and moving. Sunny’s comment swam in her head, nipping like a piranha. It didn’t make sense, unless it has something to do with the train ride being nearly over. Yet, the defeated tone is what puzzled Fiona most.

  “Please, Sunny, tell me what you mean. Are you leaving me?” she asked. The very thought made Fiona sick. She couldn’t lose Sunny or Margaret; and, yet, she felt as if she were losing them both anyway. If you didn’t want this, her internal voice asked, why’d you push them away so hard?

  They were at the door separating the train cars. Sunny jerked it open and rushed through, pausing near the thin metal rail. When Sunny spun to glare at her, Fiona noticed the fresh trail of tears coursing down Sunny’s face. “You lied to me,” Sunny accused, pain burning in her eyes.

  “No, I never—”

  “You did.” Even in her anger, Sunny maintained a tone heard above the train noise, but probably not enough for anyone else to overhear.

  “How did I lie, honey?” She was truly confused. Fiona hadn’t made the travel arrangements as planned, but they’d left anyway, on their way to Colorado and a new life. As promised. Sunny was her new sister. They were a family.

  “You said I was still lovable after…after…” Sunny swallowed hard, as if trying to consume something bitter.

  Impulsively, unaware of her protesting muscles, Fiona reached forward and pulled Sunny into a tight embrace. “That wasn’t a lie. I love you. Margaret and Brigid love you. One day, when you are older, you’ll find someone to love you more than us, your new family. You’ll find someone who’ll hold your heart in their loving hands.” Fiona frowned. “Where’s this coming from?”

  Sunny lightly pushed her away and smirked. “If I were still lovable after…you know, then why are you pushing Margaret away? You’re pushing all of us away from you. Dammit, Fiona, we’re trying to help you through this, and you move further and further from us.” Taking a step back, Sunny glanced toward the railing and back at Fiona, her tears turning in to gasping sob. “I know it takes time to trust. I was there when you helped me. Margaret and Brigid were there for me.” She wiped roughly at her eyes. “I started to believe. But I was wrong.” Sunny turned to the rail.

  Fiona realized Sunny was earnest in her intent. She planned to jump. Panicking, Fiona rushed behind her and pulled Sunny flush to her chest, wrapping her arms around Sunny’s waist. She gave a silent prayer Sunny didn’t fight her too hard, she didn’t know if her strength would hold long enough to stop her from jumping.

  “You weren’t wrong to believe because I didn’t lie. We love you because of you. Eldon did a horrible thing to you, but it doesn’t define you or your worth. Men can take our bodies, but they can’t take our hearts or souls. We can only give it to them, give our hearts to anyone.” Fiona squeezed Sunny tighter, placing a kiss on the back of Sunny’s head.

  Because Sunny stood in front of her, the wind made it difficult to catch her next words. “I know you’re having nightmares. I hear you screaming yourself awake. So, see. You’re letting Jimmy win. He’s taking you from us as surely as if you had died that night.” Sunny rubbed roughly at her eyes again. “You’re lost to us. If someone as strong as you can’t move on or accept the love we have for you, the love Margaret has for you, while you heal, what hope do I have?”

  Fiona leaned her forehead against Sunny’s shoulder. “I’m not strong.” She hadn’t realized Sunny harbored such pain. How blind had she been to this poor girl’s pain, because she’d focused so hard on her own? Granted, she’d been comatose for the seven days, and then lost for nearly three weeks. They’d been traveling since Fiona was able to move about on her own. “Sunny, please, don’t do this. Trust in me again. Let me prove to you I didn’t lie. Don’t leave me.”

  The thought of Sunny feeling so helpless she’d rather kill herself then go on with life, tore Fiona’s heart to shreds. How could she explain to Sunny without proving her own uselessness? Sunny had called her strong. Telling her the truth would only prove that that was the true lie.

  IN HER HASTE to get away before she broke down begging and crying, leaving Fiona to her silence, Margaret had forgotten her purse. She’d been surprised—albeit a pleasant one—to see Fiona and Sunny leave their room. From their expressions and posture, Margaret knew something was very wrong. Ignoring her original path, Margaret followed.

  Focused on each other, neither Fiona nor Sunny noticed when she slid the outside door slightly ajar to hear their conversation. Margaret knew it wrong to eavesdrop, but felt she was losing them both. She also recognized the true culprit in recent events was herself. If only she’d— But no, she couldn’t change the past, only try to fix things now.

  The pure anguish in Fiona’s plea—don’t leave me—shot a spasm of pain through Margaret’s chest. Opening the door the rest of the way, Margaret enclosed them both in her arms. “Before either of you do anything rash, please let me talk to you, apologize for all the hurt I’ve caused you.”

  Fiona pulled away first, and Margaret felt suddenly adrift. Part of her wanted to plead with Fiona to take her back, forgive her for Margaret’s mistakes, which had cost F
iona so much. Things she should have said in the hospital, but hadn’t because she’d hoped things would work out. Hoped for forgiveness once they all arrived at the house she’d purchased for them in Pueblo, Colorado, and after Margaret told them of her job as a schoolteacher. It would be the final destination to a new beginning.

  “You have nothing to apologize for,” Fiona said. Her scowl suggested she meant the words.

  Margaret smiled wanly at the confusion on Fiona’s face, the matching expression on Sunny’s. “Oh, honey, I do. I’m the reason Jimmy—”

  “No,” Fiona said. “That’s not true.” Her voice loud and harsh made Sunny flinch.

  “It is, Fiona. Can we return to our car, please? Let me explain?”

  Fiona didn’t give a verbal response, rather shoved at the door and stormed back to their car, her cane thumping on the floor, echoing like a heartbeat. Sunny squeezed ahead and opened the door. Margaret trailed, hoping she wasn’t about to make matters worse. She shook her head. Was it possible for Fiona to distance herself and her love more than she already had? Margaret hoped not, but the possibility was formidable.

  Brigid, thankfully, chose that moment to return to their car. Once they were all seated, Margaret leaned against the bathroom door. She didn’t know how to start.

  Fiona did it for her. “How is my—” She gulped as if the words were stuck in her throat.

  “Simple. If I’d not asked you to wait, you would never have been with Eldon. We’d have been together that day.”

  “You don’t know that Margaret,” Fiona said, shaking her head. She heaved a sigh. “You’ve done so much for us. I’m the one at fault.” Fiona shot a glance to Sunny. “I’m the reason Sunny can’t reconcile prior events, willing to jump from the train rather than go on. Die as a Cavanaugh.”

  Brigid leaned forward, toward Fiona. “How are you the reason?”

  Margaret wanted to go to Fiona, pull her into an embrace when she watched the flash of pain twist at Fiona’s features, but knew Fiona wouldn’t accept her help.

  Fiona turned away from them. “I couldn’t protect myself. How the hell am I supposed to protect the three of you? I promised to keep you all safe—and failed.”

  “No, no, no,” Margaret wailed. “How can you believe that after all you’ve done for us?”

  Sunny gave a snort, though her features were as twisted in pain as Fiona’s. “How could you know Quinn would have told your secret? Otherwise, Jimmy would’ve only beat you to a pulp.”

  Brigid gave a bark of laughter. “I see you’re the glass half empty sort. We’ll need to work on that, cousin.”

  Sunny blushed.

  Hesitantly, Margaret moved closer to Fiona. How could she have believed she failed? There was no way she could have fought off Jimmy. “Honey, none of us fault you for what happened. Had it been one of us, we wouldn’t have been strong enough to fight anyone off, much less that horrible brute.”

  Fiona’s hands were shaking and started to reach for Margaret, but dropped to her lap. Cautiously, Margaret moved closer, sat beside Fiona and took Fiona’s hands in her own. “We’re proud of you, Fiona. Please believe us, trust us with that knowledge.”

  “What if I let you all down again?” Fiona sniffed.

  “We’ll dust our backsides as we all get up together,” Sunny said. She glanced at Brigid, and then her. “You better take it from here, Margaret. Brigid’s gonna buy me supper.” Sunny grabbed Brigid’s hand and pulled her from their car.

  Margaret felt Fiona try to pull her hands free, but held them tighter. Fiona stopped fighting her, and gazed out the window. “How can you touch me, after—”

  “Because I love you.” Margaret inhaled deeply. “Sunny was right. You love her after Eldon. Why would you believe it would be different for you?” Fiona shrugged. “What happened had nothing to do with your ability to care for us. We—I—don’t see you as a failure.” She scooted closer to Fiona, hoping she wouldn’t pull away. “Please, Fiona, don’t doubt yourself, or us. Let me help you through this, through the nightmares. Let me protect you until you’re ready to be without us.”

  “I’ll never be ready to be without you, Margaret.” Fiona’s voice trembled with emotion. She dropped her head onto Margaret’s shoulder. “If I lose you, I’ll lose my heart.”

  “I’m not going anywhere,” Margaret said. She held Fiona as she cried, as she slept, curled up beside Margaret, her head on top of Margaret’s lap. Margaret smiled into the darkness as night fell. Her beloved Fiona had come back to her.

  Chapter Thirty-five

  THE TRAIN PULLED into the station, the whistle announcing the arrival, and producing a trail of thick grey smoke from front to rear. The train’s other passengers had begun disembarking. Margaret didn’t seem in a hurry, and Fiona had no intention of rushing her. Sunny already stood on the platform rolling her eyes as if the delay was a personal affront. Fiona shook her head. Next lesson for her sister—she grinned stupidly enjoying the sound of that—would be to learn patience. She waved to Sunny through the window.

  “I’m almost ready,” Margaret said, stuffing the items from the bathroom into the carpet bag she carried.

  “Are you certain you don’t need me to help?”

  “You’ll have plenty to do when we get home.”

  Fiona smiled at the word. Home. She walked the few steps behind Margaret and wrapped her arms around Margaret’s waist. She brushed her lips across Margaret’s neck. “Thank you, for not giving up on me.”

  Margaret leaned into her. “We’ll continue this later. Right now, we need to find Mr. Hapcomb and his car, so he can drive us to the house.”

  “I liked home better than house,” Fiona whispered into her ear.

  “Me, too. Let’s get out of here.” Margaret pulled away, clasped the bag in one hand and Fiona’s hand in the other. Together, they left the train, Fiona hardly relying on her cane, and buoyed by love.

  WHEN MR. HAPCOMB pulled up in front of the large three story home, Fiona was shocked. It was magnificent, sitting on a large expanse of land, a barn out back. How could they afford this? Margaret must have sensed her anxiety because she squeezed Fiona’s hand.

  “Here you go, ladies,” Mr. Hapcomb said, exiting the car and opening the trunk. Sunny began pulling out their luggage, Brigid soon assisting her.

  Sore from the train and then car ride, Fiona stiffly slid from the back seat. Margaret was there to lend a hand. “Thank you,” she told Margaret. Margaret smiled in return.

  Mr. Hapcomb joined Fiona and Margaret. He held out a key, careful to avoid looking directly at Fiona. “I’m sorry for your loss, Mrs. Cavanaugh, Miss Cavanaugh. I sure hope you find some happiness in your new house.”

  Margaret took the key. “Thank you, I’m sure we will.”

  As if afraid the helpless ladies might put him to work, Mr. Hapcomb slid behind the steering wheel, shifted into gear, and drove off with a quick wave out the open window. Fiona snorted. “Guess my ugly mug scared him off.”

  Margaret gave a quick caress to her cheek. “Let’s get in the house.”

  They dropped the bags on the front porch. Margaret turned the key in the lock and pushed the door open. The foyer was open, a room on either side, a staircase in front of them. “Welcome home, ladies.”

  Sunny and Brigid stepped back from them. “You two first,” Brigid said.

  “Yeah, you’re the newlyweds,” Sunny said, then giggled.

  Fiona focused on Margaret’s beautiful green eyes, brushed a lock of auburn hair off her forehead. “I don’t have the strength to carry you over the threshold.”

  Margaret clasped Fiona’s hand in hers, and leaned closer. “Save your strength for tonight.” She pulled away slightly. “Together?”

  Fiona nodded. “Together.”

  They crossed the threshold, Sunny and Brigid right behind. As they rushed from room to room on the first floor, Fiona tugged Margaret toward the staircase. “Let’s get to our room before they try to take it.”

  Th
ey found the master suite, entered the room, closing and locking the door behind them. Fiona leaned against the door, pulling Margaret into her arms. “How can we afford this?”

  Margaret put a finger to her lips. “This is effectively a wedding gift from Eldon.” Fiona frowned in confusion. “Before he died, Eldon told me where he’d been hiding money from Jimmy.” Margaret placed a hand on Fiona’s chest. “There was enough to buy and supply the house, put into savings for us, Sunny, and Brigid.” She tugged on Fiona’s hand, pulling her toward the bed. When her knees hit the mattress, Fiona gently pushed her backward then, more tentatively lay beside her. Margaret shifted until they were evenly side-by-side. “There should be a truck for you in the barn outside.”

  “I’ll check on that later. Much later.” Fiona kissed her, gently at first, but soon the kiss morphed into one of deep passion. She pressed a hand to Margaret’s stomach, slowing brushing it upward and stopping at Margaret’s right breast. “Right now, I have to properly thank my wife for our new home.”

  “Our new home,” Margaret repeated breathlessly. “What about the girls?”

  Fiona raised herself on an elbow. “Do you think they want to join me in thanking you?”

  Margaret playfully slapped her upper arm. “You know what I mean.”

  Chuckling, Fiona said, “Okay, they can thank you later.” She released a button in Margaret’s dress, then another. “Tonight, you’re mine. And it will take all night to properly give thanks.”

  Margaret put a hand to the back of Fiona’s neck, pulling her into another kiss. “At least.”

  Fiona laughed. “Yes, at least.” Schooling her features more seriously, Fiona said, “I still need your patience and time.”

  “You can have whatever you need.”

  “I love you, Margaret Cavanaugh.”

  “And I love you. Now hush up, and start proving it.”

  “Gladly,” Fiona said.

  For the rest of the evening, Fiona did her best to prove her love.