Love and Decay

by Rachel Higginson

  While we stood there, staring at each other, he moved his jaw to press into one of my hands. He stepped forward and covered me with his warmth and strength. But he never took his eyes off me.

  Not once.

  He licked his bottom lip and let out another heavy sigh. “I’m sorry, Page. I acted like a complete jackass earlier. You had every right to be mad at me.”

  I wanted to forgive him. It was my first and most natural reaction. I understood Miller at like a molecular level. There were huge parts of him that were a mystery to me. But only because he hid them or he’d walled them off so nobody could see behind his defenses.

  Sometimes I wondered if even Miller knew all the dark and buried places inside him.

  He’d kept those secret parts locked up for so long, I had to believe that they’d become a mystery to even him.

  But then there were times when he was so obvious that I knew exactly what he was thinking as if he’d broadcasted it to the entire world.

  Why had he hit Santi?

  Because he was jealous.

  Because he didn’t trust anybody on this planet. Not even me.

  Because he wanted to assert dominance and let the entire world know who was top dog.

  Why had he brought me in here?

  For the same reasons.

  Not to apologize, although that was a tiny subcategory of reasons. Not to even kiss me like that or share that kind of intimacy.

  Although it had been a very nice side effect.

  No. Miller had needed to show Santi exactly who was in charge.

  So, I took a breath and made him say it. “Do you mean that? Or is this all a show for Santi’s sake?”

  His jaw clenched with frustration. “This has nothing to do with Santi.”

  I raised a disbelieving eyebrow. “Don’t lie to me now, Miller. Not after what just happened between us.”

  He didn’t lose any of his intensity. “And what was that, Page? What happened between us?”

  I bit down hard on my lip, hating that he wanted me to say it.

  He leaned in, threatening me with his size and alarming aura. “Say it.”

  “The physical stuff, Miller? What do you think?”

  He stayed close, hovering over me. Half of me wanted to push him, the other half wanted to kiss him again, hoping we could go back to that place where we communicated so easily.

  His tone left room for zero disagreement. “It wasn’t just physical. You know that.”

  My heart thumped in my chest. “I do know that.”

  “Good.” He pulled back.

  Frustration boiled through me. He’d gotten exactly what he wanted out of me, but I had nothing from him. He’d twisted this into something that he needed without giving up anything himself.

  “I need you to promise me that you’ll leave Santi alone in the future.”

  He didn’t hesitate. “No.”

  I held up a fist, pointing one threatening finger at him. “Don’t fight with me about this. I don’t have time to worry about you brawling with Santi. We have bigger things to worry about.”

  “You don’t have time for it?” he chuckled, low and dark.

  “Or energy.” I narrowed my eyes on him. “I mean it, Miller. You already won. You got what you wanted. Leave him alone to lick his wounds.”

  He stood up to his full height and crossed his arms over his chest. I missed his warmth immediately and I hated myself for it. I was trying to be tough and to stay strong and yet, the minute I wasn’t touching him, I was willing to give in?

  No. That wasn’t me. I was stronger than these feelings… than these… desires.

  I was stronger than Miller’s stubbornness.

  “I don’t trust him, Page.”

  My lips twitched, but I held my smile back. “That’s not what I asked. I didn’t say you had to trust him or be friends with him or hold hands with him. I’m just asking you to leave him alone. Let him be. And let whatever you think happened between him and me be, too. It’s over. I’m with… we’re doing this now. It’s just you and me.” His dark eyes sparked with fire. I wagged my finger, refusing to let him get distracted. “And I feel the need to remind you that there was hardly anything there with Santi anyway! So no more fisticuffs, yeah?”

  A slow, satisfied smile spread over his mouth. “Yeah, alright. No more fisticuffs.”

  “You really don’t trust Santi?”

  “Not for a second.”

  “What do you think he’s going to do? I mean… he gave up Colombia for us.”

  Miller shook his head, his expression going serious again. “I don’t know honestly. But I’ve never trusted him. He’s always had ulterior motives with us, but I’ve never been able to figure them out. I used to think he wanted to use us for our resources and weapons. But clearly that isn’t the case. I just can’t shake the feeling that he’s up to something.”

  Miller was completely serious. But his concerns sounded so ridiculous. Santi wasn’t the tamest of creatures, but he was relatively harmless comparatively.

  “We’ve known him for ten years!”

  “And that makes me even more nervous. What could he be planning that takes this long to come to fruition.”

  I laughed. I couldn’t help it. “I think you’ve let the end of the world taint your opinion of people.” I bit back more laughter at the look he gave me.

  “Oh, Page,” he sighed. “So young. So naïve.” He pulled me against him again, as if he hated the distance as much as I did. “Stay close to me tonight, okay? I don’t want to lose you in the dark.”

  I nodded, brushing my cheek against his chest. “I was planning on it.”

  “I can’t believe we’re finally here,” he murmured. “I didn’t think it would ever really happen.”

  His heart sped up beneath my cheek. His embrace tightened noticeably. “I’m sorry I’m making you go back there,” I whispered.

  “Don’t be,” he said immediately. “I… I need this. I need to face him. I need to prove to myself that I’m not just like him.”

  “How can you even think that? Matthias is a monster. You’re amazing. You’re nothing like him.”

  He let out a weighted sigh. “Maybe.”

  I decided not to argue with him. He wouldn’t believe me no matter how long I tried to convince him he wasn’t his father. Miller would have to see it. And by tomorrow, we would be well entrenched in the Colony.

  I had to believe that once we saw everything first hand and up close that he would have to believe me. My hope was that he couldn’t help but see every single difference between himself and his dictator father.

  So I didn’t push him. I let it drop and asked him, “How long will it take to get to Luke’s once we’re over the fence?”

  “A month. If we’re lucky. We just have to go straight north. As long as we can avoid the Colony and hordes, we should make it there within the next few weeks.”

  “And then it really begins.”

  He pulled back so I could see the small tilt of his crooked smile and the heat in his dark eyes. “I’m pretty sure it began a long time ago, Page Parker. When one, devoted family decided to stand up to the evil tyrant. This is a war we’ve been fighting for a very long time. Maybe we took a physical break, but nobody has stopped fighting this battle the entire time we’ve been away.”

  I chewed my lip and tried to decide what to say. He was right. We’d all worn scars and chains given to us by the Colony and specifically Matthias Allen since we fled the States all those years ago.

  Maybe our battles all appeared different, but we were all affected… we were all a tragedy in the violent history of the Colony’s inception.

  I leaned forward and pressed a quick kiss to the corner of Miller’s mouth. “Thank you for coming with me.”

  He held me there, saying a thousand things without using a single word. Finally, he whispered, “Thank you for making me finish this.”

  When we walked out of the church an hour later, after we’d talked and ki
ssed some more and kissed more after that, the sun was just starting to lower on the horizon. It burned brightly orange while pastel clouds gathered all around.

  It would be time soon.

  I would be back in the United States soon.

  I didn’t know what to expect or how I would accomplish this mission I’d declared I had to finish. But I did know that Miller would be at my side the entire time. I did know that he wouldn’t let me go… that he would protect me and stand by me and fight with me.

  This was his battle as much as it was mine. Together we would put an end to Matthias Allen and all the evil plans he’d hatched up in the ten years we’d allowed him to roam free.

  Together we would rebuild the States and a country that needed justice… liberty… and freedom for all.

  Chapter Three

  The sun set and darkness descended, thick and inky. Stars sparkled overhead, but they seemed abnormally distant tonight. As if they were already retreating from the war waiting for us on the other side of the battle.

  A fence had been erected at one point, running as far to the east and west as we could see. Maybe at one point it had served a purpose, but after time, weather and a zombie apocalypse, it stood a shadow of its former glory. The rusted metal panels, the seams that were split in more than once place, and sections knocked over completely verified the turmoil the structure had experienced.

  It didn’t take much for us to cross the border.

  The first time we crossed into Mexico, we had driven. The highway had taken us through abandoned checkpoints and kept us in a more civilized part of the world.

  Now, on the way back, we crossed over on foot. Diego had left his trucks behind out of necessity for his people and our desire to stay discreet. This far from the highway, the land was overgrown with struggling grasses and tangled weeds. More barrenness.

  Luke’s base was located farther north, nearer to the middle of the country. My brothers reminded me that it was greener up there. We would have all four seasons again.

  And for all of my imaginings that we would have to climb over an imposing wall, we crossed the border in a gaping hole, that had been pried open. As one of the first ones across and as I waited for my family and everyone else that traveled with us to join me on the other side, I felt a trill of energy race down my spine.

  Logically, I knew I couldn’t tell the difference between outside of the States and inside them. Geographically there was hardly a difference, except for what had been a line on a map. And yet my body tingled with new energy and electricity buzzed in my veins.

  The ground felt different beneath my feet, more alive somehow. More firm.

  My lungs expanded with breath and it, too, felt more than what I’d been breathing just minutes before. It was like I had been a space explorer checking out a planet similar to earth. I could breathe the air, but it wasn’t the right air… it didn’t fill me quite like it was supposed to… it didn’t taste exactly right. There had been something off… something different.

  But I didn’t notice it until I returned to earth. And with my first breath of pure, clean oxygen I felt completely alive again.

  I felt that now. I felt completely whole. Completely right.

  This was the moment I had been waiting for as long as I could remember. This was what I’d sacrificed and fought and argued for.

  This was what I was meant for.

  This was what I had been born for.

  I tilted my head toward the milky moon, searching for the distant light I knew I wouldn’t feel. The night breeze danced over my skin, singing familiar songs and welcoming me home.

  I needed a minute to believe this was actually happening… that I’d actually made it back home.

  Home.

  My fingers prickled at the thought. I was home again.

  An arm slid around my shoulders and I didn’t have to open my eyes to know it was Nelson. I did open them though, surveying the blackness with him. King came to stand on my other side and Harrison on his other side. I could sense Hendrix behind me.

  “You might have been right, little sister,” Nelson admitted. “There is something about being back here that feels good.”

  I smiled in awe that they had felt it too.

  Haley slipped her arm around Nelson’s middle and hummed her agreement.

  “I didn’t know it would be like this,” Reagan said from behind me. “I didn’t know it would feel like this. Isn’t that funny? We’ve walked ten feet. Nothing has really changed.”

  “Except everything has,” King added.

  And he was right.

  We fell silent again, standing together as a family… as a solidified unit. We drank in this familiar and not familiar land. I had never been to this particular part of Texas before and yet everything about it felt familiar.

  Everything about being on this side of the border was exactly how it should be.

  “I feel like I should drop to my knees and kiss the ground,” Harrison laughed. “But I’ll probably end up getting shanked in the kidneys and dragged back to Mexico.”

  I couldn’t help but laugh. That was the most absurd thought I’d ever heard spoken out loud.

  “By whom?” King demanded. “Who would possibly want you back there?”

  Harrison snorted, “Who wouldn’t want me back there?”

  “Stevie!” Haley cried. “Stay close.”

  And just like that the magic was broken. Well, not all of it. But the moment was gone. We were ready to walk on and find out what else there was to America.

  What else we’d been missing.

  My family spread apart, keeping a close eye on the children while we stumbled around in the dark. Miller sidled up against me, slipping his hand into mine. I looked up to his shadowed face and smiled.

  After crossing the border an unexplainable peace enveloped me. It felt so good to be back here and brought a much needed confidence too.

  This had been the right decision.

  We had done the right thing.

  And so we started the last leg of our journey- the most crucial part.

  After walking for what seemed like hours, Miller’s shoulders sagged and I watched him yawn out of the corner of my eye. He shook his entire body, working to wake it up. We’d been awake all day and we’d walked for a good majority of the night.

  We were all tired, but we had planned to walk for as long as we could. The children would eventually need to sleep and so would we. We just didn’t know where.

  There were too many unknowns on this side of the border. Our intel had told us that Matthias and the Colony had claimed everything east of the Rockies from North Dakota to Texas and as far east as Illinois, Tennessee and Mississippi. Basically everything in the middle of the former United States. Everyone protected by the Rockies was left to settle themselves. And everything east of Matthias’s border was thought to be completely ravaged by Feeders.

  So, technically, we’d already penetrated the Colony.

  Now we just had to keep from getting caught.

  Exhaustion flooded me, too, as I admitted the very long walk we had ahead of us. We’d already walked across South America and now it looked like we’d be walking across North America as well. At least for a while.

  We had some outdated information on one of Luke’s safe houses where several vehicles were stashed away. We just had to get to it. And then hope they were in some kind of working order.

  Oh, and that there was plenty of fuel stashed away as well.

  I mimicked Miller’s yawn and we smiled at each other. Then Miller tripped because he wasn’t watching where he was going and I started laughing. He caught himself before he fell over, but just barely.

  “Careful there,” he grinned at me.

  I turned my eyes back to alternating between the ground and the distance. The group fanned out around us. Miller was in charge of the map and had the coveted compass we’d had with us since Colombia. And together we led the group forward, keeping the children and their pare
nts tucked in the middle.

  Our party was huge. I wondered what the chance was of staying under the radar. My only hope was that even though the Colony claimed this land, there weren’t enough of them to keep it all patrolled. The human population had significantly decreased after the infection and even worse in the last couple years as people ran out of ammunition and sufficient ways to protect themselves.

  Red blinked at me in the distance.

  But that couldn’t be right.

  I rubbed my eyes and looked again. It was gone. Or I’d imagined it.

  I pulled my braid over my shoulder and tugged at the curled end. Doubts and fears creeped in, blurring my confidence and courage.

  I stared ahead, searching for that short flash of red… Nothing.

  I stumbled twice before I forced myself to look back at the ground. Fears ricocheted through me as I fought a mental battle to keep them at bay.

  Unable to endure it a second longer, I looked up. There it was again. Red. Two small dots of red blurring together. I stared at them until I couldn’t help but blink; they were gone.

  “Did you see that?” I asked Miller.

  He looked down at me, no doubt wondering about my hushed tone and the fear lacing every word. “See what?”

  I waved ahead of us. “The red?”

  “The red?” he chuckled. “No, I didn’t see any red. What kind of red?”

  “Two small dots of it,” I explained. “I saw it twice.”

  Miller tensed. Experience and instinct had taught him to take me seriously. We both turned to scan the distance.

  I had convinced myself I’d imagined it when two more popped up for a second, closer… lower to the ground.

  I grabbed Miller’s forearm, ready to point it out, when an ear-piercing crack split the world open and swallowed us whole. My feet and arms flailed as I tried to figure out what happened to the ground. In another second I hit something hard and wet with a gasping grunt.

  My mind spun as I tried to make sense of how I’d gone down… and why my body screamed with pain. My arms hurt where they’d hit something long and rough; my torso ached where I’d landed on something equally hard. My legs hurt, my head hurt, I’d jammed a finger and maybe sprained an ankle.