Chapter Twenty-Seven
“I need to tell you something.”
Imogene kept her eyes focused on the sink full of dishes where she scrubbed at a plate while she said the words, though Letty’s attention immediately jumped to her. It had been less than thirty minutes since Alexis and Riley left, abandoning the remaining alcohol, but she could feel the interrogation creeping closer and decided to cut it off. Maybe she could just blurt it out quickly then they could move on.
“Landon kissed me in my car the other night.”
“He did what?!”
Letty’s screech made her cringe and lean, slightly away even as she passed over the dish to be rinsed in the other half of the sink.
“Why don’t you make sure all the neighbors hear, too?” she grumbled, aware her cheeks had flushed. “It’s not a big deal, Letty.”
“It is a massive deal,” Letty argued as she passed the dish under the water. “You. Kissed. Landon. Landon who was your best friend and your first love. Landon who you admitted to crying for a week straight when he left. Landon who--”
Reaching across, she slapped a soapy hand over Letty’s mouth and held it there. Inaudible mumbling followed before a tongue swiped across her hand, prompting her to pull it back so she could continue, “And why did you wait this long to tell me? I’m supposed to be your best friend.”
She wiped her licked hand on a nearby towel before she took a follow-up gulp from her nearby drink then said, “It was a moment of weakness brought on by close proximity. Nothing more.”
Letty’s eyes rolled. “So you kiss every guy you share a car with? You don’t even kiss most guys on a first date, Im, but you’re telling me this was nothing?”
The color in her cheeks had deepened as she snagged another dish and began scrubbing to avoid the question. Letty’s eyes were felt on her as she informed her, “You’re not getting out of it that easy. What happened after the kiss?”
Imogene ignored the words and scratched at a stain on the plate, keeping her head bowed toward it. She doubted it would work for long as a distraction, and sure enough, the plate was whisked away from her then Letty turned her away from the sink to focus on her.
“Talk to me, Im,” she requested, frowning. “I know this is a huge deal, and I want to help you, but I can’t if you won’t talk to me.”
Sighing, she grabbed a towel to dry her hands then grumbled, “You just want to know if he’s a good kisser.”
“I do, but I also care about you,” she replied before giving her arms a squeeze. “Start talking, Im.”
Despite wanting to engage in a battle of wills, she grabbed her drink then let Letty lead her from the kitchen to the living room and sink onto the couch. She set her drink on the table before she grabbed a pillow, hugging it against her chest as if to create a physical barrier to conversation about Landon.
“It just felt so much like old times,” she finally said with her eyes on the swirling ice cubes instead of her friend. “His smell, his touch. For a minute, it felt like nothing had changed, and I just . . .”
“You got caught up in the moment.” Letty’s guess made her nod before questioning, “What even had the two of you together?”
Imogene hesitated then gave the basic details of their trip to The Red Stag, including his argument with Alexis, and their conversation in the car. The mention of idiot earned a snort, though the follow-up of my idiot earned her a double-take with raised eyebrows. Only when she’d finished talking did she reach for her glass to take a large swig and give her friend time to process the words.
“He kissed you for calling him an idiot? I have never once seen a guy respond so positively to being called an idiot,” Letty remarked. She lifted her own glass to take a drink. “Obviously you didn’t object to him kissing you, and by your own account, you enjoyed it, so why did you stop?”
Swallowing around the lump in her throat, she took a minute to compose her thoughts then admitted, “I used to call him my idiot whenever Micah or Steven complained about him, and I don’t want to just be a distraction, Letty. I don’t just want to be something to help him avoid the issues with his family or the pack.”
A sympathetic nod met her words. “Why do you think you’re just a distraction, Im?”
“Because I . . .” Her words trailed off as she realized that she couldn’t put it into words, though Letty sipped in patient silence. The ice and remaining liquid sloshed around in her glass, but she couldn’t bring herself to follow through on a drink. “It only happened because he was upset at Alexis and Charlie and I happened to be there.”
Letty’s brows came together in a frown. “So you’re saying he’d kiss anyone? Stop glaring at me. You know as well as I do that you’re not just anyone, Imogene. What’s your real fear when it comes to Landon?”
“He’s going to leave.” The words were a whisper as she set the glass aside, though Letty scooted over and wrapped her arms around her shoulders. She leaned against her and wound her arms around Letty’s waist as she added, “And I don’t want him to break my heart again. I thought I was past it, but I’m not.”
“Oh, honey.” Letty’s hand rubbed her shoulder before she said, “You know he can’t break the blood oaths.”
“Then he’ll be stuck here and miserable,” she continued, only aware tears had begun when she tasted salt on her lips. One hand wiped them aside except more replaced them. “He only came back because he no longer had a pack, Letty, so why would he be any happier now than the first time?”
The silence stretched for a few minutes as Letty stroked her hair.
“I think you’re looking at things wrong,” she began, quietly. “Yes, Landon lost his pack, but he chose to come home, Im. Do you really think it would be that hard for him to find another pack if he simply wanted to belong again? He made a choice to come home, and a choice to permanently tie himself not only to his family but Scott’s which we both know that asshole would follow through if he broke the oath.”
Imogene sniffled. “He still resents Charlie’s position,” she said despite them not having directly talked about it. She’d learned to read him like a book in the early days plus noticed the tension between them at Bordertown and during the phone call. “And that Melanie doesn’t trust him.”
“That’s part of pack dynamics,” Letty argued, pulling back a bit to see her face. “It’s like sibling rivalry on steroids, and I guarantee that the feeling is completely normal as someone who had siblings. Does it mean they love the other person any less? No, people can’t always control how they feel, but they can control how they act. Do you honestly think Landon would ever do anything that could hurt Charlie or any of his pack members?”
“No.” She replied without hesitation and sat up a bit, swiping at her cheeks once more with her palms. “Landon would never intentionally hurt someone who matters to him.”
Letty nodded. “I thought so, which is exactly what would happen if he broke the blood oath. Can you imagine how it would destroy the Millers to watch one of their own be hunted down?” she questioned. “I haven’t known him long, but I don’t see Landon putting them, or you, through that. I think the bigger problem is you don’t trust him, Im.”
Her mouth automatically opened to disagree except no suitable argument came to mind while she replayed their conversations. The dock, after his first Bordertown shift, the library, the diner, and even that last night in the car when he’d kissed her. It might have felt like old times to talk with him, to see or touch him, but the trust didn’t exist anymore, and she couldn’t bring herself to be fully open with him. Without that trust, she couldn’t take the final step into intimacy, though she didn’t know how to regain that trust she’d given so willingly when they were younger.
It felt like a lifetime ago, like someone else’s life.
“It’s okay that you don’t trust him,” Letty said, quietly. “Trust takes a long time to develop, and he broke that when he left without a proper good-bye then didn’t say a word for over a d
ecade. You’re allowed to be hurt, Im, but you have to start rebuilding with him somewhere. Obviously you still care about him, or you wouldn’t be this upset, honey.”
She snagged a napkin decorated with cacti to wipe her eyes then she blew her nose, leaning her head against her friend’s shoulder again. “I don’t know where to start,” she admitted, quietly. “Part of me feels back in those early days when he left, but I don’t want to be like that again.”
“I have two suggestions.” Letty gave a gentle nudge to make her sit up then left the couch, moving over to the small desk in the corner. She checked the contents for a minute then returned with a small notepad and a pen, offering both to her.
“I don’t think you ever fully dealt with your feelings when he left even if you buried them for awhile,” she said as she reached for her drink. “Write a letter to Landon that tells him how you felt in those days, how he hurt you, and why you’re struggling to trust him now. I’ll leave it up to you if you give him that letter, burn it, or keep it. The second suggestion is to take it one day at a time, trust that he’ll text or call back or be at tribunals, and let that be enough until you can give him more.”
Imogene nodded and sniffled again as she held the notepad then said, “I’m sorry for ruining Tequila Tuesday with all my Landon issues.”
Letty wrapped her arms around her and gave a tight squeeze, tucking her head against her shoulder. “Hey, you could never ruin Tequila Tuesday or Sunday Funday because they only exist to let me hang out with my awesome best friend, Imogene, who I love even if she’s obsessed with a stupid boy named Landon.”
An unexpected laugh escaped as she returned Letty’s hug and informed her, “I love you, too, and I promise no more crying unless someone is dead.”
“That’s my girl. Now, what do you say we break into my emergency supply of Mint Chocolate Chip?”
Chapter Twenty-Eight
“Mom, we need to talk.”
Landon made the declaration as she stepped back inside from seeing off several pack members, having slipped in the back door while she entertained guests. He’d considered a detour to his room to change from the sweat and water soaked training clothes except that might alert her so he’d instead waited in the kitchen doorway. It had been nearly two weeks since their shouting match at the dock, almost twelve hours since his chat with Charlie, and he hated the elephant sitting between them.
“I can’t imagine what about,” she said, recovering that cool mask that he hated. Glasses were gathered from the main room and carried into the kitchen with no more than a cursory glance. “And I thought you were at Charlie’s, helping with a project?”
Deciding not to question where she’d gotten that idea or their supposed project, he informed her, “About my position in the pack.”
“There’s nothing to talk about.” His mother’s back remained to him while she filled the sink with water and soap then returned for more glasses.
Instead of following her, he remained hovering between the two spaces and kept only his eyes tracking her progress. “There’s a lot,” he argued as he followed her return to the kitchen. “You don’t have to answer, but I at least deserve to be heard.”
Watching the tension settle into her shoulders, Landon shifted his position to watch her at the sink. She gave a stiff nod as her hands were dunked into the water. Maybe this conversation would be easier when he didn’t have to face her, didn’t have to try and decipher her emotions.
“I felt inferior to Charlie,” he began, crossing his arms to remove the temptation to fidget. “You and Dad might not have meant for it to happen, but it did because it was always how well Charlie was doing with his responsibilities and how perfect Jane was as a future alpha. That stupid line Dad used to say about the heir and the spare bothered me since it felt like I only existed in case something happened to Charlie.”
“That’s not true,” his mother argued without turning away from the dishes before she added, “Your father and I loved all of you equally.”
He nodded despite her back being to him. “Even if you do, can you not see how damaging those words were? And he never said it to the twins,” he pointed out, bringing up a point that had only occurred to him. “He started dropping hints about me getting married at sixteen, Mom, because when Charlie was my age, he and Jane were already together. You and he were together at seventeen. Scott and Constance got together at sixteen. Hell, even Micah and Steven got together in high school.”
“It’s part of our duty to the pack to marry and create heirs.”
“Does this not sound like a problem to you?” he questioned, unsurprised by the familiar argument. “But it wasn’t just to get married. He wanted me to pick someone acceptable to the pack, a purebred, and you knew even back then that I loved Imogene.”
The glass in his mother’s hand clattered into the sink at his words, but he continued, “She wasn’t good enough because of Dad’s elitist purebred bullshit. I thought things might be different when he died, but it wasn’t. You just got too busy grooming Charlie to pressure me more than occasionally.”
His mother whipped around to glare at him, eyes shifted into the wolf, and pointed one sudsy finger in his direction. “I never said Imogene wasn’t good enough. Or you.”
“Never in words, but you could convey a dozen thoughts with a look,” he pointed out without backing down from her accusatory words. “I wanted to make my own choices, Mom, to be something other than Charlie’s back-up plan. Was it so bad to want to exist outside the pack?”
“We live and die by the pack,” she parroted as he resisted the urge to roll his eyes.
Landon scowled. “You know, having lived through that die part, those words are stupid as hell,” he said. “I came back because I hoped something had changed, that losing a son had made you reevaluate things, except it hasn’t. You just promoted Tyler to the spare and carried on with life.”
“It was his duty in your absence.” Her words held a note of finality before she turned back to the dishes then added, “Tyler never complains about his position.”
“Because he lives out in the woods by himself. Who’s he going to complain to, a squirrel?” He gritted his teeth against his wolf’s anger trying to rise to the surface. While he hadn’t intended to fight, he should have known his mother couldn’t be a passive listener. “And on that note, you went out of your way to avoid Riley being forced into marriage with Paul so why all the pressure on me? Why couldn’t I have a choice, too?”
He waited for her to speak, but the silence lengthened, though when he turned to leave, she said, “I gave her a choice because of you.”
His steps came to an abrupt halt between rooms.
“I’d already lost one child, and I knew Riley would be obedient yet miserable with what your father put in her head. It was the same thing my father put in my head so I wanted more for her, the more I should have wanted for you.”
Shock rippled through him at not only the words but the emotion behind them, something his mother kept locked up tight. He heard desperation in the words that he could never recall coming from her, though the hint of remorse in her tone prompted his next words.
“You could have called,” he said, quietly, his back still toward her. “I kept the same number.”
“And say what?” she questioned, quietly, though he could tell she’d turned from the sink. “That I’m a horrible mother? That I’d made a mistake? I kept waiting for you to come back, but it had been years, Landon, and you hadn’t even reached out. What was I supposed to think?”
Landon started to answer then lifted his shoulders in a shrug because what would have brought him home? He’d been on the path to jaded by then, but he had still embraced that so-called brotherhood of violence, especially after Nathan joined them following the slaughter of his family. His mother’s call might not have even gotten answered since he’d preferred the burner phones back then, something easy to use and ditch at the first sign of a problem. Only the photos on his old pho
ne had gotten any real attention, but he’d always felt guilt at seeing them, too.
“I don’t know,” he finally admitted as he turned back to her. “But would it have hurt to even try?”
His mother’s guilty look answered the question on its own so he gave a curt nod and started to walk away, deciding Charlie had been wrong. This conversation hadn’t fixed anything, but at least he could say that he’d gotten things off his chest whether she’d taken them to heart or not; however, the next words out of her mouth stopped him in his tracks.
“I’m sorry, Landon.” The tearful quality of the words had him turning. Uncharacteristic tears sparkled in her human again eyes as she added, “For then and now. I never wanted you to feel inferior to Charlie or anyone, for that matter, but I just . . . it felt like I’d already lost you. Then you came back out of the blue and my pride about you abandoning the pack got in the way so I lashed out.”
“I came back because they were all dead, and the only one I’d have considered a real brother died in my arms,” Landon said, quietly. “He died without being able to fix his mistakes, didn’t even get a chance to say goodbye to his kid, Mom. He never even met her except from a distance, and I didn’t want to die alone, to become just a memory for someone else like Nathan.”
His mother crossed the kitchen in no less than five strides, stretching up to wrap her arms around his neck. He moved on automatic to wrap his arms around her waist, though only when he felt moisture against his cheek did he realize she’d begun to cry.
“I’m so sorry, honey,” she said, quietly as she held him. “I didn’t know. I just thought you’d gotten bored of it like you did with pack life.”
He bit his lip to avoid admitting that he had gotten tired of the Chaos’ Sons yet he’d chosen to stay for so many more years out of feeling he had nowhere else to go. His arms stayed tight around her waist while one of her hands stroked his hair, but finally he said, “I love you, Mom, and I’m sorry it took me so long to come home.”
Rule of Claw: Wolves of Worsham #1 Page 16