The Trouble With Goodbye

by Sarra Cannon

  I roll my eyes. “What’s your problem with me working? You’ve been against it from the start, even before the news found out about me,” I say. “Why are you so against it? It makes no sense to me at all.”

  “I think you’re being careless,” she says.

  “And I think you’re being fucking ridiculous.”

  She pulls her head back and her eyes pop open so wide, I think her eyeballs are going to pop out of their sockets. “You are not allowed to talk to me like that, little girl.”

  I snort and shake my head. “You just don’t get it do you?” I say.

  “Get what?”

  “That I’m not a little girl anymore,” I say. “I don’t have to do what you say.”

  “Don’t say that,” she says. “We all need to stick together right now.”

  There’s fear in her voice, but what she’s really afraid of is losing control of me. I think that’s the real reason she never wanted me to have a job. If I have my own money, I have some level of independence and she just can’t handle it.

  “When you’re ready to start supporting me instead of judging me, let me know, okay?”

  I grab the bag of carrots from the table and storm out the back door.

  She doesn’t bother following me.

  Chapter Forty

  The television over the bar is set to the news again tonight, and I see my face flash across the screen several times with questions across the bottom of the screen like “How many victims are there?” and “Will Leigh Anne come forward?” I want to grab one of the beer bottles off the counter and sling it toward the big screen.

  “Hey, Colton, can we get a channel change?” Jenna shouts. She puts her arm around me even though I’m about four inches taller than she is.

  Colton sees me standing there, then apologizes and changes it to ESPN instead. A couple of people groan, but some cheer and in the end, no one really cares anyway. “Sorry Leigh Anne, I didn’t realize you were coming back tonight.”

  “Thanks,” I say as we make our way back toward the kitchen. It’s not too busy tonight, so we have some down time between tables. “My mom watches that shit all the time, but every time I come in the room, she either turns it off or changes it right away, like I’m a child.”

  “Maybe she’s just trying to protect you.”

  I roll my eyes and throw my tray on the counter in the back. “The only thing my mother cares about protecting is her own reputation.”

  Jenna points toward the back door and I shrug. I follow her out back and we sit on top of the picnic table. I look around, double checking that there are no reporters around.

  More importantly, I look to make sure Bernard Hunter isn’t anywhere he can hear us.

  She lights up a cigarette. “I tried to stop by your house after the news hit,” she says. “Did your dad tell you?”

  I shake my head. “They’re barely speaking to me unless it’s to give me orders about how to act,” I say. I bite my lip. I hate to bring Jenna into this, but she’s been a good friend to me. I really need her right now. I’m just not sure how to ask her what I need to ask her.

  “I just can’t believe that asshole hurt you like that. He deserves to burn in hell,” she says. She takes a long drag of her cigarette, then waves the smoke away from me. The wind carries it away. “Don’t get me wrong. I don’t blame you one bit for not speaking up. I don’t think I could really do it either. Especially not with someone famous like that, where the press is going to be watching your every move. Still, I bet you’re glad someone else spoke up. I mean, if you’ve kept quiet about it, how many others are there? It’s good there’s a chance he’ll still go to prison for what he did.”

  I grab her hand and squeeze. “You didn’t even ask me if it was true,” I say.

  “I didn’t have to,” she says. “I could see it in your eyes the moment I first laid eyes on you.”

  I stare down at my feet and a sadness washes over me. If someone who just met me could see it, why couldn’t my family see it? Why did they insist on acting like this was some kind of nuisance?

  “I’m really sorry you had to go through that,” she says. “No one should ever have to go through something like that.”

  “No, they shouldn’t,” I say.

  I think about Molly Johnson. If I hadn’t let my parents and the school administration shut me up, would she have been raped? Or could I have stopped it? What if I had spoken up first? I could have saved her from this, and who knows how many other girls?

  I shake my head. I can’t think like that. It’s not my fault he hurt them.

  “Hey.” Jenna leans down so she can see my eyes. I look up and she smiles a little. “Are you doing okay?”

  I suck in a tense breath. “Not really,” I say. “But I know a way you could help me feel a whole lot better.”

  “I’ll do anything,” she says. She throws her cigarette into a bucket sitting near the table. “All you have to do is ask.”

  I stand up and move in front of her, getting as close as I can. “They haven’t let me so much as send a text message to Knox to explain to him what’s going on,” I say. “They’re terrified the news will pull his story about going to jail and use it as fuel to fan the fire in this thing. But I have to talk to him.”

  “What can I do?” she asks.

  I explain my plan and she nods. “No problem,” she says with a smile. “Tomorrow night?”

  “Yes,” I say, then take her hand. “Thank you, from the bottom of my heart. I don’t want to get you mixed up in this, but I wasn’t sure who else to turn to. “

  “I’m here for you however you need,” she says.

  “That means more than you can know,” I say. “I’ve been locked away in that house for a week thinking it was miserable, but tonight’s been tough too. It’s hard seeing the looks and hearing the whispers as I walk by. It’s like suddenly this story defines me.”

  “Not to me, it doesn’t,” she says. She squeezes my hand. “To me, it’s just one layer of many. We’re all somewhat the sum of our experiences, you know? But each individual event can only define us if we let it. If you don’t want this to define you, then don’t let it.”

  I stand and shake my head. “I can’t control what other people think of me.”

  “It’s not about learning how to control it. Most of life is out of our hands,” she says. “The real key is how we react to the things we can’t control. You can’t control what people think of you or what they believe happened, but you can control how you respond to it.”

  I want to tell her that in my life right now, my parents have taken control of how I respond. Mr. Wright has had more say in my reaction than I have. But before I get the chance to continue the conversation, Maria sticks her head out the back door and motions for us to come inside.

  Jenna turns and just before we get inside, she winks.

  Chapter Forty-One

  The following night, my shift lasts forever. My feet ache and my head is throbbing.

  All I can think about is Knox and whether he’ll be understanding about this or whether he’ll be pissed off at me. He has every right to be pissed, and I know it.

  I finish putting plastic wrap on the salad dressings and shove them into the walk-in fridge, then join Jenna at the drink station. She’s pulling the little caps off each dispenser and dropping them in a bucket of soda water.

  “I thought tonight would never end.”

  She laughs. “Welcome to my world,” she says. “I haven’t had a day off in two weeks. It’s all a blur at this point.”

  “Wow, two weeks?”

  She nods. “I even worked a double shift the past two days. My feet are killing me,” she says. “I have tomorrow off, thank god.”

  “Me too.” My nerves dance inside my body, thinking of Knox waiting for me.

  She loops her arm in mine. “So we’re good for you spending the night at my place?” she asks in a whisper

  I nod. We walk together toward the lockers and star
t getting ready for checkout.

  “I have to know how you managed to pull that off when your parents are up your ass about everything these days.”

  “I just told them I needed a break and I wasn’t asking their permission,” I say, leaning against the wall.

  Her eyes grow wide and her jaw drops to the floor. “Kick ass,” she says. “You seriously told them that?”

  I shrug. “In so many words,” I say with a laugh. “They agreed on the condition that my watchdog, Mr. Hunter, could sit outside in his car to make sure I was okay.”

  She raises an eyebrow and tilts her head to the side. “Good thing we planned ahead.”

  Chapter Forty-Two

  I can hardly stand still as I wait for Jenna to get her key in the lock and open the door already.

  As soon as she does, I run in and drop my bag on the floor. Knox throws his arms around me and lifts me up into the air. I bury my head in his neck and inhale the scent of him.

  Behind me, Jenna giggles and claps her hands. She disappears into the kitchen as Knox pulls me into a kiss.

  “I missed you so much,” I say.

  “I missed you too.” He takes my hands in his. “I’ve been so worried about you. Some asshole pulled me away from you that day, and I couldn’t get to you before they put you in that car and took you away. I have tried everything I could think of to get in to see you, but your parents have that place locked up like a jail. I’m guessing they turned your phone off too. When I call it, all it does is give a busy signal.”

  “They took my phone away,” I say.

  “I’m going to give you two lovebirds some privacy,” Jenna says. She’s got a six pack of beer, a bag of chips, and a box of Hot Tamales in her hands. “I’ll be back in my bedroom watching a movie if you need anything. Otherwise, mi casa es su casa. And fyi, the couch pulls out into a bed.”

  I laugh, but don’t take my eyes off Knox.

  Jenna pecks a kiss on my cheek, then rushes off toward the back room and shuts the door.

  I lift up on my tiptoes and wrap my arms around Knox’s neck. We press our foreheads together and just stare at each other for a minute. My heart is beating wildly and I want nothing more than to smother him in kisses.

  “I’m so glad you’re here,” I say.

  He pulls me toward the couch, then lowers me onto his lap. “How are you handling all this? Do you have any idea how the press found out?”

  “Mr. Wright and my dad have been researching the trail all week,” I say. “My roommate Sophy went to a sexual abuse awareness event on campus and ran into Molly. She told her she knew someone who had also been raped by Burke, but didn’t give her any details. From there, Molly’s attorney tracked down a nurse who worked at the university clinic when I was admitted. It’s all a big mess.”

  He takes my hand and kisses my palm softly. “What are you going to do? Have you figured it out?”

  “Have you been watching the news?” I ask.

  “Some,” he says. “When I’m not too angry to stomach it.”

  “They’ve been calling me a coward,” I say, tears filling my eyes. I take a deep breath. For the past week and a half, I’ve refused to let the tears fall. I haven’t wanted my parents to see me rattled by this. But with Knox, it’s different. I feel more free with him than with anyone. “Some of the things they’ve said are true, but other things are total bullshit. Like one channel was reporting that I’d supposedly taken a million dollar payoff to keep my mouth shut. Someone online accused me of getting an abortion. It’s out of control.”

  Knox is quiet, and I can tell he wants to say something. He keeps opening his mouth, but then changing his mind. My stomach twists.

  “What?”

  He takes in a deep breath. “Have you considered coming forward and just telling the truth about what happened?” he asks. “I mean, now that it’s already in the news, what do you have to lose?”

  I tense. “You sound like Sophy. She’s been urging me to come forward ever since the beginning. Or at least she was before my parents banned me from having any contact with her.” I think about Sophy’s reasons and guilt floods through me all over again. “Sophy says there’s strength in numbers and now that someone else has come forward, it’s much more likely the administration and the police will really listen to what we have to say.”

  “She has a good point,” he says.

  I sit up, scooting off of his lap. “I’d be lying if I said it hasn’t crossed my mind,” I say. “Of course there’s a part of me that wants to come forward. But at the same time, I don’t honestly know if I can handle it. It isn’t like I’d just have to tell my story once and be done with it. Look at Molly. She’s probably told her story a dozen times to police, her attorney, reporters, which means she’s having to relive what happened to her over and over and over. And when it comes to trial, she’ll have to sit across from him and go through the whole thing again right there in front of him. She’s opening herself up to everyone’s judgment and scrutiny. People are attacking every single choice she’s made along the way from the guys she dated in high school all the way down to the clothes she was wearing that night. I don’t want that to be my life.”

  “I can understand that,” he says. “But I want to make sure this is really your choice and not something your parents are deciding for you.”

  “I know,” I say with a sigh. “I’m thinking of you and me in all this too.”

  He looks confused. “What do you mean?”

  I fidget. I know this is going to be a tough conversation, but it’s something we need to talk about. “If I come forward with the truth, there’s going to be a lot of press. There will be tons of interviews, trips back up to Boston, and everything that comes along with this,” I say. “If you and I are together, they won’t just be pulling my choices apart. They’ll be looking into your past and your choices too.”

  He closes his eyes and leans his head back against the couch. “My record at juvie will come up,” he says. “And you’re afraid it’ll make you look bad.”

  I swallow a thick lump in my throat, but it won’t go away. “Mr. Wright said you were arrested in Chicago for hitting a woman,” I say. “Is that true?”

  He clenches his jaw. “How did he find out about that?”

  I stare at him. “He said that even though the records are technically sealed, there are people who know about it who are willing to talk.”

  He sighs and stands. His hands open wide, then tense into fists. “Fuck,” he says, then punches a fist against the bar.

  My heart sinks down into the depths of my stomach.

  “Tell me,” I say. “I need to know.”

  “First of all, I didn’t beat up a woman,” he says. He can’t stop moving. “I already told you those charges were bullshit. You know I wouldn’t hurt a woman.”

  “But that’s what they arrested you for, right? In part? I need to know the whole story.”

  I wait. After a long silence, he finally relaxes his shoulders and starts talking.

  “When I got to Chicago, my life was complete hell,” he starts. “I already explained a lot of it to you, but I didn’t tell you the whole story. Several years after he abandoned my mother and got a great job as a partner with a high-profile investment company in Chicago, he met Dawn. She was twelve years younger than him, which made her closer to my age than his. They had two little kids, twin girls, right before I moved in and yeah, everything seemed perfect for them. They lived in this giant mansion just outside of the city, drove the best cars, wore the best clothes, all that shit. Dawn never really talked to me much the first few years I lived there. She was a parrot of my father. Whatever he said, she stood behind him. I thought she was mindless, so I guess I never paid that much attention to her.

  “Then, one night I came home really fucked up and high on meth. I walked in on him beating up on her. They were in the living room and I didn’t even see her at first. I just thought he was standing there in the dark like a dumbass. But then I
heard her crying. He didn’t even take his eyes off me when he kicked the shit out of her and told her to shut up. I walked around the corner, trying to figure out what the hell was going on and there she was.”

  “Dawn?”

  He nods. “She was in a heap on the floor, blood pouring from her lip, clutching her side. She was sobbing and he kept yelling at her to shut the fuck up.”

  I bring my hand to my mouth, listening but not wanting to believe it.

  “I went insane. Here he was, always pretending to be such a perfect man while all this time he’d been abusing his wife,” he says. “No wonder she never dared to disagree with him. No wonder my mother fucking kicked him out of her life. It all made sense to me, even in my spaced out mind at the time. I called him a piece of shit and told him if he touched her one more time, I would kill him. You know what he did?”

  My mind races with the possibilities, thinking his father probably provoked him.

  “He laughed at me. He said he’d teach me not to threaten him.” Knox leans against the wall and puts his head in his hands.

  “He hit you?”

  Knox shakes his head. “Worse,” he says with a distorted laugh. “He called the cops.”

  My mouth falls open and I try to piece it all together.

  “He told them I’d come home fucked up out of my mind and when Dawn told me to leave, I beat the crap out of her,” he says. When he looks up at me, his eyes are red. “Dawn backed up the story and the police carted me away once and for all. Of course, I tested positive for drugs and I’d gotten in a couple fights recently, so my hands looked like I’d been beating on someone. That was all they needed. Since I was only fifteen, they put me in juvenile detention center for three years with plans to reevaluate me at eighteen. I didn’t see my father again after that.”

  “Oh my god.” I stand and go to him. I put my hand on his arm, but he’s tense and angry and he pulls away. “I had no idea you’d been through all that. Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “I was going to,” he says. “But this whole news thing blew up right when we were really starting to open up to each other. It honestly never even occurred to me that anyone would try to use my past against you in all this. Besides, I told you, Dawn retracted her story just before my eighteenth birthday.”