The Life of Lol

by Andrew Birch

  Josh awoke early the morning after. He was exhausted, and the job here still had two days to run. As he lay in bed, he heard the sound and smell of bacon frying in the kitchen. What the hell? Dad?

  He shouted, thinking his father must’ve visited in the night,

  “Is everything ok”, he said opening the door…

  “Sure baby”, Taylor said, winking at him through the open door, “breakfasts done.”

  “What the fuck?” he said aghast. She stood barefoot in his kitchen, wearing only her t-shirt and panties, her jeans slung over a kitchen chair and her sneakers and socks taken off and left by the door.

  “Come on sugar”, she said, setting down his breakfast, “gotta go to work on a full stomach.”

  Josh sat down, wondering if he’d wandered into a parallel world,

  “What the fuck are you…?” he began.

  She looked down at herself…

  “Yeah”, she began, “I know. Sorry. Didn’t know if you were house-proud or what, so I guessed I’d better take the sneakers off. And then I got caught up in the whole little woman barefoot in the kitchen thing, so I took the socks off too. And well, it’s just so damned hot today, when I got up I was like: ‘Taylor… Jeans or shorts, what’ll it be, honey?’ I figured I didn’t want you to think I was some kind of whore wearing little Dixie shorts, so I went for jeans. But by the time I’d walked down here, it was just so hot and…”

  “I don’t mean to ask why the hell you’ve taken your clothes off”, he began, “but what the hell are you doing here in the first place.”

  Taylor sighed,

  “Well baby”, she said sitting with her own breakfast, “I figured you were right yesterday. I felt kind of ashamed of myself after I left, I’d pretty much threatened you. And after y’all helped me and were so nice. So I’m here to do the gardening work with ya. For ten dollars an hour, like we agreed.”

  Josh smiled. He liked this girl. She was fun, and had a bit of a conscience amidst all the crazy.

  “How about you help me with the gardening”, he said throwing her across an envelope, “and I share the money from the insurance with you. Two hundred and fifty, right?”

  “You did it”, she squealed, “see? We’ll make a bandit out of you yet!!”

  “I think there’s enough bandits sat at this at this table without me joining in”, he said smiling, tucking into his cooked breakfast.”

  She stuck out her tongue again, and they ate.

  Life was beginning to fill up again for Lol, after the empty days of nothingness that she’d endured in prison. Sometimes, it all got a little much, and some days she just chilled with mom on the veranda of the trailer, and the two of them sat, watched the world go by and slugged Bourbon, telling each other tales of the past. Lol increasingly felt like she had connections now, she only went into LA when Billy needed someone’s help, the rest of the time she spent here in Bowl Towns. The call of the grift was fading. She’d spent a bit of time with Josh, especially the two days nearly killing herself helping him out with his gardening. She felt comfortable around him, not trapped and threatened like with Jack Mason. But she’d laid it on the line for him,

  “I build these little empires”, she’d explained, “then I move the bulldozers right in and tear it down again,”

  “Cos it’s not what you’re looking for in your life”, Josh had thought, “until you find it, you’ll keep on doing it.”

  Lol thought now that maybe this was what she had been looking for. Sure, it was hardly the fucking Ritz, these people were what the rest of the country called trailer trash, those who lived in the underbelly of decent folks everywhere. But these people were her blood. She hadn’t said that to Josh,

  “No guarantees”, she’d warned him, “no guarantees I wont do something really dumb, steal all your money and just hi tail it outta here”

  Josh had smiled and hugged her,

  “Steal all my money”, he said, raising an eyebrow, “How the heck can you steal what I don’t have?”

  “Just warnin ya”, she replied looking down.

  “It’s ok”, he replied, “I don’t normally forgive women who cheat like that. But in your case, I’ll make the exception. I feel connected with you. Not like the whole ‘I love you’ mush, cos I don’t love you, you’re impossible to love easily. Maybe that’ll change, I dunno. But I feel connected with you. I want you around in my life. And so whatever shit you pull, I’ll always be here for you. Always.”

  She didn’t know what to say,

  “I don’t love you either” she said ruefully.

  “Course ya don’t”, he replied, “Not while you have a reflection in the mirror”

  She realised that he’d sized her up instantly, that she would get antsy if he tried to trap her, the whole love and chocolates thing. So they ended up having a relationship that wasn’t a relationship. They’d have dates but not even touch one another, go for days without so much as a phone call, it was like that. And yet, if she was doing something with Billy that needed to remain under the radar, he would worry about her. That was on reason he didn’t love her yet. While he was sat at home worrying, he doubted she was giving him a second thought.

  Chapter 28. Chinese prison blues

  This particular night, Billy had asked for her help. This was something Winston, still stuck in plaster, couldn’t help with…family only. Billy’s business, the import and export of Cocaine from over the border where he had connections from his Navy days was being threatened by two young Chinese entrepreneurs from New Chinatown. And so one night, they hopped into Billy’s buggy and made their way down the Ventura where Taylor had walked that day and into the city. Tay at one time would have loved LA, with its bright lights and country rubes ready to be parted from their cash. But now it seemed too much for her, too jaded, they were like animals fighting for the same piece of carcass. Groucho had once told her that the rich man must fight for money all the time, because he fears being poor again. The poor man doesn’t have this fear, cos he’s already poor. Tay realised this was what Groucho meant. Her pursuit of money and love of grifting would only continue, it was as Groucho had said, a self-serving pastime. Now she was poor and firmly in the gutter, life was fun and she could concentrate on the other things in her life. Like now, with Billy travelling at break neck speed down the Ventura highway into LA.

  I just…sometimes” he was saying, “I’d just talk to that empty seat like you were here.”

  “Huh”, Tay said absent mindedly. She was watching the lights from the city as they got closer.

  “I wonder where she went”, asked Billy, taking his eyes off the road and studying her

  “Fucks sake watch the road, clown”, she shouted as they narrowly missed rear ending a semi-truck

  “Sorry””, he said his eyes filling with tears, “It’s just I’m a mass of emotion. I’m on the edge”

  He stared at her again, and showed her his shaking hand. He had a snake tattoo over the back of his hand, and he shook the hand in her face.

  “No one knows what I’ve felt”, he shouted, the crazy beginning to come in his eyes, “talking for thirty years to a phantom sister that might not even have existed. And then bam, here she is.”

  “Bam, here I am”, she murmured, “like a fucking genie”

  “I feel a mass of emotion. I mean, I’m a pretty bad guy. Sure, I look after my mom, what self-respecting modern guy doesn’t, but I’ve done things I’m not proud of. I’ve killed people, the thing with those nuns… God, I bet those bitches are scared for life. I mean, I never thought I’d be in line for a favour from …him”

  Billy whispered the word ‘him’.

  “Who?” Tay asked, whispered back.

  “Ya know”, said Billy, “Him! He who must be obeyed”

  “Who”, asked Tay, puzzled, “The president?”

  “No you clutz. God. The big man upstairs. He saw that I needed a real sister and not the one that was a just a cheese wheel on my car seat. A flesh and blood
sister that doesn’t just say the words from my head.”

  “Like I said years ago, honey”, she laughed, “I didn’t fall from heaven baby, they gave me a spade and I dug my way up from hell”

  “You got that line off the internet”, he said accusingly pointing a finger.

  “So sue me”, she shot back, a twinkle in her eye. “y’all can have a share of the nothing that I got.”

  Billy sniffed,

  “See “, he said tearing up, “it’s this now. It’s like this. This whole fucking conversation. I’m like filling up here. Jesus. It’s like you’re real and God has sent you to me. I feel so blessed. You’re fucking real goddamit!”

  He was full on crying now, and Tay hoped that the car, doing around ninety wouldn’t end up in a ditch.

  “You think that’s funny, prick?”, he yelled at a car they shot past, “you think it’s funny because this big hard bastard is crying because he got his mom and his sister and that’s all he wants, just to have a fucking family that he loves. There’s no love in this world any more. Who the fuck decreed that loving your family wasn’t cool, or Hollywood?”

  “Just keep your fucking hands on the wheel”, she yelled, “or you’ll be loving me in a cemetery”

  “I’m sorry”, he said, wiping his eyes, “I’m a modern guy. I’m in touch with my feminine side. I know it isn’t cool, but it’s who I am. I refuse to be pigeonholed by society”

  Tay was quiet. Billy amused her, what with his ranting, he reminded her of Groucho. It didn’t normally require much prompting from her to set him off, like now she just sat back and listened to the fun.

  The highway ended up in LA, and Billy made his way in the car towards New Chinatown.

  “How we working here?” she asked

  We’re going to Mr Lau’s eatery in New Chinatown”, said Billy.

  “Mmm” replied Tay, “I love Chinese food”

  “The place was good when old Maurice Lau ran the business. Good old fashioned service, family values. Used to take mom there. Now he’s retired and his sons Cheng and Ning have taken over. Service is all fucked up, and they have a side business in supplying coke to my customers. Fuckers.”

  “They’re encroaching on your business?” asked Tay.

  “Indeed they are”, he replied nodding, “that’s our fine country for ya, free commerce, the American fucking dream.”

  “SO what we gonna do?” she asked.

  “We’re gonna go point our guns at them and tell them to stop or we’ll shoot them”, replied Billy flatly.

  “Sounds like a plan”, she replied.

  The plan went wrong. Storming through the back entry, Billy had hit a big Chinese guy in the head with his pistol butt as soon as he got inside the kitchen. But Cheng was waiting for them, and held a shotgun,

  “Hands in the air, trailer trash” he said at the pair.

  Billy tutted,

  “Trailer trash?” he hissed, “all the fucking westerns your dad made you sit through and that’s the best you can do, dickhead? Like trying to take my business away from me, not enough fucking imagination to make your own, you try to muscle someone else. Well fuck this.”

  Cheng waved the gun,

  “hands in the air or I’ll blow your head off” he said again,

  Billy ignored him,

  “If I did that I’d be less of a man”, he said, “If I don’t stand up to you, I might as well do this…”

  He went face to face with Cheng, dropped his trousers and underpants, then turned and bent over,

  “here”, he said, “screw me up the ass. Thats what I’m saying if I don’t stand up to you.”

  He stood and turned to faced Cheng,

  “But I’m not gonna do that”, he carried on, “I’m gonna come here, convince you to leave my fucking business alone and if you don’t, I’m gonna get my sister here to smear your Chinese brains all over your fucking wall, and then…”

  He pulled up his pants again,

  “and then”, he continued, “I’m gonna have them serve bits of you in this fucking restaurant. I’m gonna eat your fucking balls myself”

  “Your sister”, replied Cheng still holding the shotgun.

  Tay had not lowered her Desert Eagle. Classic standoff, apart from Billy dropping his pants, she thought.

  Billy nodded,

  “And she’s the craziest fuck I’ve ever met”, he said proudly.

  “How about I shoot you in the spine, and then make you watch while my brother and me rape your sister. Or better still, we’ll watch while I make you rape her.”

  Bill leapt at the man with the shotgun, and in the struggle it went off. Billy struggled Cheng to the ground. At that moment the door opened and younger brother Ning came in, holding an MP5 sub machine gun flanked by a heavy guy with an evil looking knife,

  “Brother”, gasped Cheng”, I need…

  But no one ever knew what Cheng needed, because at that moment, Tay whirled with the desert eagle and let off five shots at the men. She shot the man with the knife in the head instantly, and his face exploded, covering the kitchen area with all kinds of blood and brain matter. Ning Lau ducked, and Tay fired another volley of shots at him. he went down just near where Billy had just finished Cheng Lau.

  “Easy there Annie Oakley”, laughed Billy waving to her, “well I guess we fucked the plan”

  “Hmmm”, Tay said surveying the carnage, “unless the plan was to come to LA, shoot up a bunch of Chinese guys and then go home again, then yeah, I guess we did.”

  They decided to take separate cars back to Bowl Towns. The cops would no doubt be on a lookout for a pair of gunmen, although if Tay was honest, it looked as though the PD here was stretched at best. She selected a small Maroon Nissan. Unlocking it was easy, and she suddenly had a flashback of her life with Allen, stealing cars from outside restaurants. Tay never in her life had any remorse about shooting, and if she was honest, as she drove through the night city lights, she didn’t now. Bad guys who lived in their world usually ended the same way. But she thought of Josh and that breakfast they’d shared, and for the first time, she thought of him sat at home watching a movie on that little laptop of his, worrying himself silly in case one night she didn’t come home. Suddenly feeling like the worst kind of person, she floored the car to get home faster.

  Which was probably what attracted the cop at the side of the road.

  Tay was done for, she knew that, and for a fleeting moment, wondered whether to shoot her way out with the desert Eagle. But the sudden thought of going on the run after killing a bunch of cops was too much even for someone of her disposition, and when the cop asked her to get out of the car and put her hands on the trunk, she did so. That familiar feeling of the cold steel and the clicking sounds as the cuffs went on. Arrested, he said. Double murder of two Chinese men at the Lau restaurant.

  Four months later, Tay was still trying to figure out her life and her luck. So there I am, she though, just had a fucking epiphany and wanted to get home, to my family, to the place I belong, when blam, I’m back here. The case hadn’t needed to drag on, it had been open and shut, the gun was found on her possession, this time there was no doubt, and no other option for the judge than to sentence her to anything other than life imprisonment. But she reflected on the bright side. The last two times in prison she had been truly alone. But this time, she was not. Not only did she have a mother and a brother to come visit her, weeping as they saw her in her orange jumpsuit in the little cubicle, the only place where they would ever see her for the rest of her life.

  And that brings me nicely back to the introduction of my story. I sat and thought of Josh, and the life I’d missed, the life I’d been looking for when I kept tearing down the walls of the empires I’d built over the years. At that time, I’d no idea that I’d be sitting in that same cell thirty years later and writing about my life. OK admit it, you were thinking that I’ve been in here ever since that day, weren’t ya? Well, you know I’m a grifter, born and bred, right? Did
ya forget? I stayed in jail for three months in total, then I got out.

  Epilogue

  Josh knew he’d have to go see her in jail. Life sentence. He’d never touch her again. Never sit with her in the dirt and talk for hours sharing a spliff. Never have to endure her ‘cooking’ again and pretend it tasted good. Somehow, life seemed less colourful now. What made it worse was when Celia, her mom, had said she had a message for him, and that message was ‘sorry’. So she was beginning to learn to have feelings for other people, under that hard shell she’d built around herself. His business was still struggling, and today he was working without pay for the elderly, mowing the lawns in Rathsburg. That’s when he saw the cop car. He wondered if they wanted him, but as it got closer, he saw that it wasn’t c cop behind the wheel.

  Could it be? No, surely not.

  It was.

  Only her. It could only be her.

  The car drew up, and she got out, clade in her black leather jacket that he’d grown used to seeing her in, and her torn jeans.

  “Hi baby”, she said casually, “I just love to see a man working hard. All sweat and muscles.”

  “Uh”, he said nervously, “can I just ask…is this a break out? Am I gonna have to go on the run with you?”

  She smiled,

  “No baby”, she said her eyes lighting up, “they just let me go, opened up my cell and kicked me up my lovely ass and told me to get the hell outta there.”

  “So you’re on the run then?” he asked, a little crestfallen.

  “No baby” she said again, leaning on the cop cars bonnet, “they let me out. Won my appeal this very morning, even before it got to court. Arresting officer was a new guy. Didn’t read me my Miranda things, or something. Anyway, I’m out all nice and legit. No record or anything. That poor cop though, I think they’re probably gonna fire his ass.”