“What? She’s beautiful, and don’t even try to tell me she isn’t.”
He’s rolling his eyes as he guides me into the kitchen. “Yes, Madilyn’s beautiful. No, we aren’t fucking, nor have we ever fucked. And I’ll tell her husband you think his wife is hot and you’re open to a threesome.”
I smack his arm. “Do you have to take so much enjoyment from my humiliation?”
“Belle, admit it’s funny.”
“I’ll admit no such thing.” I pout, but I can’t keep it up for long. Then I notice my surroundings and my eyes almost bug out of my head. “Holy crap, Slate! The kitchen is gorgeous and completely unrecognizable.” It’s all cream gloss cupboards, matching marble counters, and high-tech appliances. At the rear of the kitchen is a floor-to-ceiling glass window which opens up the back of the house, perfectly showcasing Janine’s beautiful garden. He flicks a switch and the outside garden lights up. I move to the window, peering outside. “Look how big our tree has grown.”
“It’s flourishing,” he agrees, quietly standing beside me.
“And you fitted a little gazebo too. Wow. It’s beautiful.” I look up at him. “Did you do all this yourself?”
“I hired contractors to build the extension, upgrade the heating, plumbing, and electric, and fit the new floors and kitchen. I spent the last of my budget on the exterior of the house, so I’m doing the rest of the work myself. It’ll take a while, but I like having a project to occupy me at the end of the working day.”
I spin around, taking the whole room in. “It’s stunning. You’ve done a great job.”
“Thanks, but I’m sure you didn’t come here to admire the kitchen.”
“No. I came to talk to you because there’s some stuff I need to get off my chest.”
He nods. “Okay. Let’s grab some drinks and talk in the living room.”
“I’ll just have a water,” I say when he opens the refrigerator.
He takes out a beer for himself and a water for me. “Are you hungry? Would you like something to eat?”
I shake my head. “No. I’ve already eaten, and I’d prefer to just get this over and done with.”
He eyeballs me with amused curiosity. “That bad, huh?”
“Groveling usually is,” I deadpan, following him out of the room.
The living room has also undergone a transformation. It’s twice the size, and the glossy walnut floors, warm cream and copper-colored walls, and plush rug give it a rich, decadent feel. Slater sits down on one side of the brown leather couch, and I sit on the other, kicking off my shoes and pulling my knees into my chest. I wrap my arms around my legs and draw a brave breath. “I’m sorry for barging in here like this,” I start. “But I was afraid if I gave you advance notice that you’d come up with some excuse.”
“I probably would have,” he admits, tipping the beer bottle into his mouth. I’m momentarily dazed as I watch his throat work, and even that’s sexy as hell.
“Jeez, I really need to get laid.”
He almost chokes, and his eyes widen as he stares at me.
“Oh, shit. I said that out loud, didn’t I?”
“Yeah, and now you can’t take it back.” His eyes darken, and my core aches. Flashes of the past whip through my mind, and I remember it all.
His hands roaming my body.
His lips searing a hot trail across my heated skin.
The feel of him holding me close as he thrust inside me, whispering endearments and dirty shit as he claimed me over and over again.
Now I’m fully aroused, and I’m sure it’s evident on my face. Focus, Gabby. You didn’t come here to jump his bones although it’d be a nice development.
I blink a few times to clear my head. “We’ll park that for the moment because I’ve more important things to say.” I worry my lips between my teeth. “I owe you a massive apology, Slate, and I have this big speech all prepared, but it’ll probably come out all wrong, so please just bear with me and try not to interrupt until I’m finished.”
“I’m all ears, Belle. Shoot.”
My chest rises and falls. “I have never regretted anything as much as I regret our conversation over dinner that last night before you moved to Iowa. I said those things in a deliberate move to make you hate me and leave me behind.” He opens his mouth to speak, but I hold up a palm. “You promised. Just let me get this out.” He nods. “You were like my guardian angel those last few months we spent together. You were my rock, and I know, hands down, that I would not have got through Billy’s birth or Dylan’s death without you. What you didn’t know back then was how much I wanted you. How crazy in love I was with you.”
He looks at me like I’m swinging from the cray-cray tree. Like I couldn’t possibly have felt that when I worked so hard to avoid him.
“Every minute spent with you was like a form of personal torture. I craved your touch so badly, and I hated myself for it. It felt like the worst betrayal, and guilt was my new best friend. I mean, what kind of woman buries the guy she thought was her forever guy and then instantly craves another man?” Air whooshes out of my mouth. “I threw myself into caring for Billy and tried to deny my emotions. I bottled up all my feelings over Dylan’s death and our forced breakup and tried to pretend like I was okay.”
“You weren’t okay,” he acknowledges in a low voice.
“No, I wasn’t okay. When you asked me to move to Iowa, I wanted to say yes, but I was consumed with guilt for even thinking about it. And I didn’t know how to be with you when I hadn’t even properly grieved for Dylan yet. I didn’t want you to be the one to get me through that. How could I ask you to console me when I was mourning another man? Plus, I couldn’t take Billy away from Heather, so I latched on to that as the reason why it wouldn’t work because I needed to convince myself. I knew if I told you that you’d find a way around it.”
“I did. I had a Plan B.”
“What?”
“I knew asking you to move to Iowa was a huge step that you weren’t ready for. I knew you needed to be close to your family and Heather, but I had to try. I fully expected you to turn me down, and then I was going to tell you I had a second job offer, from a local firm. It wasn’t as good an offer, but it was good enough. I was going to ask you to move in with me, and I’d stay here and take care of you both, but I never got the chance, because you told me you didn’t want me. That you couldn’t take a risk on me. That you thought I’d grow tired of waiting and fuck around on you.”
I scoot closer to him on the couch. “I never knew that, and I’m sorry, but it wouldn’t have made any difference. There is no way I would’ve let you pass up the Iowa opportunity. Not when I knew it was your dream job.”
He leans toward me. “A dream job means nothing without the woman of your dreams by your side.”
“I hated hurting you,” I whisper, “and, in my confused state, I thought I was doing the right thing.”
“You slayed me, Belle. You destroyed me. You made me believe everything we’d shared meant less to you than it did to me. I wondered if you’d always felt like that about me. If that was really how you saw me.”
My heart aches. How could I have done that to him? “Never.” I shake my head. “I’ve never thought that about you. My God, you were an incredible boyfriend, Slate. Those months we spent as a couple are some of the best times of my life. I hate that I made you doubt yourself, and I’m so sorry. I wish I hadn’t said any of those things, and I know you would never have done anything like that. I’ve hated myself every single day since I lied. I wanted to call you so many times, but, at first, my counselor urged me to hold off while I was working through stuff, and then, it seemed like too much time had passed, and I figured you’d forgotten about me and moved on.”
He snorts. “Yeah, that wasn’t very likely.”
My heart soars at the insinuation, but I plow on. “I cried myself
to sleep when you left, and it was the first night I’d cried since Dylan’s death. It unleashed a lot of pent-up emotion, and I was forced to deal with everything. I was a basket case. Every feeling I had buried resurfaced, and I could barely cope. Heather and Mom took over caring for Billy while I took some time to get my head straight. It took a good while to untangle my feelings. To mourn Dylan the way he deserved to be mourned. I had to get a handle on that first, and it wasn’t easy, but I came out stronger and more self-aware. Especially when it came to you.”
I close the gap between us and take his hand. “I know this is probably too late, but I need to tell you this.” Tears prick my eyes as I stare into his beautiful face. A face that’s as familiar as my own. “I love you, Slate. I love you so much, and it’s not anything recent. I’ve loved you for a very long time, probably as long as you’ve loved me. And I know what you’re going to say. That it isn’t true, because I was in love with Dylan, but I was in love with you too.”
He looks dumbfounded, and more than a little incredulous, which I expected. “Fate is a fucked-up bitch, but I truly believe everything happens for a reason. I was blind to my feelings for you back then because I needed to be there for Dylan. He needed my love more than you did, and I’m glad I was there for him and that we got to share our time together.”
I hope I’m not making it worse and that he’s hearing what I’m trying to tell him. “What I had with Dylan was special, and he will always own a piece of my heart. What you and I have is different but no less special or precious to me. Once we were together, I began to see what had always been there between us. I just hadn’t wanted to see it.”
I take both his hands in mine. “I believed Dylan was my forever love, but I was wrong, because it’s you, Slate. It’s always been you. Circumstances might have kept us apart, but I never stopped loving you. I still love you and want you.” Tears fill my eyes. “I’m all in now, Slate. I’m yours if you still want me.”
Chapter Forty-Nine
His gaze is drenched in emotion as he pulls me onto his lap. I go willingly, circling my arms around his neck and burying my face in his hair. His body trembles underneath me, but he still hasn’t said anything. “Say something. Please.”
“Do you have you any idea how much I love you, Belle?” He tips his face up and we’re so close it would take nothing to press my mouth to his, but I summon restraint from somewhere.
“You still love me?” I whisper, hope powering through my veins.
“Yes. You’re impossible not to love. Believe me, I tried. I tried to forget you. I tried to move on, but I couldn’t do it. I went on a few dates after I moved away, and none of them ever led anywhere, because I couldn’t stop comparing them to you, and none of them came even close to measuring up. So, I stopped trying, even if I was tormented night and day by thoughts of you.”
He leans his forehead on mine. “I almost picked up the phone to call you a hundred times. And every time Ryan came to visit, I had to forcibly shut my mouth to stop myself asking about you. I’ve been in hell these past two years without you. Even if this job opportunity hadn’t come up, I would still have come home. To you.”
I run my fingers up the back of his neck, and my heart is so full, buoyed up by his loving words, but something doesn’t add up. “Why have you been avoiding me then?”
He eases back, staring straight into my eyes. “I’m afraid, Belle. I’ve lost you twice already. I don’t think my heart can withstand a third time. It’ll kill me.”
“Baby, I’m all in.” I peer deep into his eyes, praying he sees the truth of my conviction. “I’m not going anywhere. I’m madly in love with you, and I want us to spend the rest of our lives together.” I can’t be any blunter than that. I need to touch him, so I cup his beautiful face. “More than that, I’m ready to fight for us. Nothing or no one will ever come between us again, and that’s a solemn promise.”
“Do you really mean that, Belle?”
“Yes.” My head bobs up and down. “And it’s not just us anymore. I would never let any man into my life, into Billy’s life, unless it was serious. We’re a package deal.”
“I get that, and it only sweetens the deal.” He graces me with a brilliant smile. “I was there when Billy was born, and I’ve loved him from the second he arrived in this world. I would never do anything to hurt him, which is why, if we do this, we need to take it slow.”
“We can do that! We can go at a snail’s pace, if you like.” Excitement lights up my face. “Just please give me a chance to prove I’m genuine. That my love is genuine.”
He coils his hand through the back of my hair. “Don’t hurt me again, Belle. Please.”
It’s like a sucker punch to the heart. “I promise, I won’t, Slate. Just let me love you.”
The air changes, and electricity crackles in the tiny gap between us. I’m acutely aware of how close we’re pressed against one another when I feel him hardening underneath me. He drags his thumb across my lower lip. “It’s been torturous trying to stay away from you these past couple weeks.” His voice is thick with desire, his eyes dark with need.
I reposition myself so I’m straddling him, and my fingers delve into his hair. “I’ve felt the same, but I was trying to be patient.”
He smirks. “I can guess how challenging that must’ve been for you.”
“I’m well aware I’m not known for my patience.” I grind my hips against his erection, moaning.
“Slow, Belle, remember.” He presses his mouth to my neck, dusting my skin with a light layer of kisses as his hands roam up and down my back.
“Slate. That feels so good.”
He runs his tongue up the side of my neck, nibbling on my earlobe, and I almost buck off his lap. A chuckle rumbles through him, and his hands slip under my shirt. His warm palms glide against my heated skin as he continues to tease my ear and neck with his tempting lips. I’m rocking against him, my core throbbing and pulsing with need. “Please, Slate,” I murmur. “Please kiss me.”
Holding my face in both hands, he draws me to him, his gaze roaming my face as if he can’t believe I’m here. “I’ve dreamed about this every day we’ve been apart.”
“Me too,” I truthfully admit. “I have missed you so much.”
His mouth collides with mine, and it’s an explosion of mutual longing. He angles my head, deepening the kiss, and I’m floating on a cloud. I feel his kiss all the way to the tips of my toes, and he’s lighting a fuse within my body. No single kiss has ever felt so complete. Has ever completed me so much. I’m whimpering into his mouth and grinding against his pelvis, grabbing his hair and running my hands over his broad shoulders and strong back.
Roping his muscular arms around my waist, he keeps me flush to his body while kissing me with everything he’s got.
I’m so happy I could cry.
We kiss and kiss and kiss, barely drawing a breath, and I savor every second of being back in his arms again.
Eventually, we break apart, and I rest my head on his shoulder as he maneuvers me on his lap. He’s still hard as a rock, but he’s making no move to do anything about it.
“I’m horny as fuck.” I nuzzle my nose against his neck.
“Me too.” He thrusts his erection into me to drill the point home. “But I’m not going to make love to you today, Belle. I meant what I said. We need to take this slow. It’s as much for your and Billy’s protection as it is mine.” I sigh, and he chuckles. “It’ll be worth the wait, honey. I swear.” He kisses my temple.
“I haven’t had sex with anyone since you,” I admit. “It’s quite likely my lady parts have shriveled up and died in the meantime. You sure you want to wait?”
His eyes pop wide. “You didn’t have sex with Dylan after we broke up?”
I shake my head. “No. We were just best friends in the period before he passed. We did kiss and cuddle sometimes, but it was never
more than that. I know he was disappointed, but it quickly got to a point where he couldn’t have made love to me even if either of us had wanted it.”
“I know you’d said that, but I just assumed …”
“Sometimes, I feel like a real bitch for denying him that before he died. Especially because I knew his illness was behind his aggression and the cheating, but I couldn’t help the way I felt. It was still a betrayal to me, and it altered the dynamic of our relationship. It wasn’t possible to go back.”
“You shouldn’t feel guilty for that. You can’t help how you felt.”
I sit up straighter, pecking his lips briefly. “It was also you too. I was still in love with you, Slate. My feelings for you hadn’t changed just because we were forced apart, and that was the main reason why I couldn’t go there with Dylan, because that would have felt like I was cheating on you.”
“We weren’t together, Belle, and I wouldn’t have held it against you, but I’ve got to admit I’m happier knowing this.”
“Does it help you believe I’m sincere?”
“It does.” He twirls a lock of my hair around his finger. “You removed the pink strands from your hair. I kinda liked them.”
“I can get them again.” I shrug.
“Belle.” His voice is barely louder than a whisper. He runs the tip of his finger along my cheek. “I haven’t slept with anyone since you either.”
I almost fall off the couch. “But I thought you said you dated other girls?”
“I said I went on dates with other girls. Dates as in singular. I never saw any girl more than once.”
“That still doesn’t explain it.”
“I know I could’ve had sex with any of those women, and a few of them were very direct in letting me know that was what they wanted, but I had zero interest. During a particularly low moment, I took a woman to a hotel room because I told myself if I had sex with someone else it would make it easier to forget you, but I couldn’t go through with it. She was pissed as hell.”
When Forever Changes Page 38