Restrained

by Nicole Dykes

  I think he feels it because he pulls away, looking at me. “What’s wrong?”

  My throat is dry as I turn to him. “I can’t.”

  He studies me intently, trying to figure me out without making me say anything. “You can’t swim?”

  I shake my head. “I can.”

  I can’t seem to move or breathe. I’m just stuck in my fear, uncertain how to break free of it. Then I feel his hand lifting my chin. I didn’t even realize I was looking down. “Lola, look at me.”

  I look into his eyes and fight the sob, my body fighting my soul. I don’t want to talk about this. But I can’t hide my reaction to water around Hayden. “I was on the swim team in high school. I have medals, for Christ sake.”

  “Your brother drowned.”

  A sob fights its way from my throat as I look into his eyes. “Yes.”

  “So, now you don’t go in the water.”

  I shake my head. His hand moves to my cheek. “No. I don’t even like baths.” I feel the blush heat my cheeks. “Unless you’re in them with me.”

  He smiles sweetly, his hard edges softening for me. “You think that’s weird? That you don’t like to swim?”

  “It is, Hayden.” I stand up, his touch too much for me right now. I walk out of his office to his patio door, seeing the sun has begun to set. I feel him behind me, but he doesn’t speak. “I moved to California. I live in a beach house. I have an underground pool.”

  I feel him shifting behind me, hear the sound of clothing being removed and then see his very expensive jacket hit the floor. “And you think that’s weird.”

  It’s not a question. “I know it is.”

  I almost turn around when I see his matching charcoal vest fall onto his jacket next to me, but I don’t. “Why?”

  “Because I’m afraid of the water. Fucking terrified. I hate it, Hayden.”

  His shoes and socks drop to my side next. “Why?”

  This man is infuriating. I turn around, ready to throttle him when I notice his white shirt is unbuttoned, and I get a little lost in his ripped abs and his stupid, handsome grin as he removes it from his shoulders and lets it drop on the ground. “What are you doing?”

  He only smiles in that confident Hayden way that makes me want to kiss and slap him at the same time. He takes my hand in his and pulls it to his hip bone near that sexy fucking V. My fingers drag over the raised skin there as I examine the scar. “My dad burned me. Took a fucking lighter to my skin. I could smell my own flesh burning. Because he hated me. Because he hated my mother.” Tears well in my eyes as my thumb circles the now healed skin. “Because he hated himself.”

  I look up. “I’m so sorry Hayden. You deserved better than that monster.”

  I watch his lips, full and strong as he speaks directly to me like nothing else matters. “I have better now. I have so much better. But that’s not my point.”

  “What is?”

  “He did a lot of shit to me. A lot, but the thing I feared the most was fire. That hurt. Fucking bad. I was five, and I was terrified of fire after that. I still don’t like the smell of anything burning. I don’t own a grill, and I'm thirty.”

  “That’s awful.”

  “I know. Grilled food looks delicious.”

  I laugh—actually laugh—during a twisted, horrific conversation, and he grins. “It’s not weird. You went through a trauma, and your brain is trying to protect you.”

  He unbuttons his pants and then pushes them to the floor, kicking them away. Now standing only in his briefs he holds his hand out to me again.

  “Now, if you want to swim and you want me there, holding your hand the entire time, let’s go. You and me. Us.”

  My heart flutters in my chest at that word. That word I love. “Us?”

  “Us. I’ve never been an us, but I think that’s how it works.”

  I nod. “Seems to work for Penelope and Lincoln.”

  He smiles. “I won’t ever force you, though. You don’t want to swim? Fuck it. We’ll stay dry unless we’re in the bedroom or the shower.” He winks, and I chuckle.

  “You are ridiculous and far goofier than I’d have ever thought.”

  “Yeah, I didn’t know I had a funny side until I met you.” His hands move to my hips, and he pulls me to him, pressing a kiss to my forehead. “You make me want to laugh. You really make me want to make you laugh.”

  His face pulls away from mine, and he bends his knees to look into my eyes. I never knew I wanted this, but looking into his eyes, there’s so many things I want to say to him.

  “What are you thinking?”

  That I'm a coward. “I want to swim.”

  That’s not what I was thinking. He smiles. “Okay.”

  His hand slides the zipper of my gray dress down, and I slip it off, standing only in my teal bra and panty set. “I’m afraid.”

  I feel like a child. No one knows about my fear of water. When anyone tried to get me to go swimming, I’d make up some work excuse, and they just accepted it because I’m a known workaholic. He slides open the patio door and turns around to meet my eyes. “I’m right here.” His gaze is serious now, no hint of amusement. “I’m not going anywhere.”

  He reaches for me, and I take his hand before we go out onto the patio, hand in hand. We walk to the edge of the pool, and I stare down at the water. I used to love the feeling of wading into the water. It was the one time I could shut out the world.

  But when I found out it stole my brother’s life? I hated the very thing I used to love. No matter how insane it seemed.

  “I wonder if he suffered. The thought haunts me every day.”

  Hayden steps down to the first step in the water but doesn’t say anything.

  I stare at the liquid. “I should have saved him.”

  “Were you there?”

  “None of us were. He was out on a boat with strangers, got drunk and fell off. I wasn’t there.”

  He squeezes my hand. “Then forgive yourself. You couldn’t stop it. None of you could have.”

  “He hated the water.”

  He nods. “But you didn’t.”

  I look into his eyes as I take a step into the warm water and feel the tears stinging my eyes. “No. I didn’t.”

  “You don’t have to now.” His lips graze mine. “You can love it again and not betray your brother.”

  My lips tremble against his as a strangled cry falls from my mouth, and before I know it, we’re waist deep in the water, my feet firmly on the cement ground of the pool. My hand grips the back of his head as his fingers slide through my hair and his body presses against mine, the water surrounding us.

  My body is shaking, but I'm in his firm embrace, the sun setting behind us. “You are the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.”

  “Hayden . . .” I take a weak breath in a trembling moment as I fight to stay calm.

  I’m not going to drown.

  I won’t leave my family.

  I won’t leave Hayden.

  I can swim.

  He brushes my nose with his as his lips press to mine only briefly before looking back into my eyes. “Your bravery is beautiful.”

  “I don’t feel brave.”

  “You make me brave. That makes you brave.”

  I chuckle, “I’m pretty sure you’re the one giving me strength here.”

  He smiles into another kiss, soothing me as he speaks against my lips, “I’m only strong because I found you. I was afraid of everything before that. And now I'm not.” I feel his fingers in my hair as our gazes meet again. “I love you, Lola. I don’t know how that happened or why, but I'm not going to be stupid enough to question it.”

  Oh my God. Did he just say he loved me?

  I stare at him, tears falling as I let him see all my vulnerability in a pool of water. “I never thought I’d be loved. Not like this.”

  “You are.” He doesn’t hesitate to say it. My free hand rests over his heart, feeling it thunder underneath.

  “So are you.”
My lips meet his again. “And I love you so much.”

  He kisses me deeply. I'm lost in him, my fear not totally gone but lessening every second I spend with him.

  And like that, I'm truly free.

  Lola loves me. And I love her.

  How the fuck did this happen?

  It wasn’t long ago I was just an angry, lonely guy trying to find out if his sister was worth a damn. And now I'm sitting in the same coffee shop where I met Lola and am about to sit down with Penelope for the first time since the DNA test came back.

  I see Penelope walk in, and I stand from my seat as she lifts black sunglasses from her eyes and rests them on top of her head, still eyeing me with suspicion as she makes her coffee order.

  I would have paid, but something tells me not to push it.

  When they hand her the cup, she walks over, staring at me for a long moment before she says anything. “Are you a crazy person?”

  “What?” The question shouldn’t make me flinch, but it does.

  “You heard me. She was insane. Completely. And hateful. And horrible.”

  “I’m aware.” There was no one on this earth I hated more than my mother, not even my father. She was my mother. She was supposed to protect me, and she fed me to the wolf.

  “So?”

  “So what?” Neither of us have taken a seat as she continues to stare at me, her chest rising and falling. I’m almost afraid she’s going to collapse.

  Penelope is definitely intense.

  “Are you insane? Do you have some sort of diabolical plan?”

  “No.” I place my hand over my heart. “I get why you don’t trust me. I wouldn’t trust me either. It’s in our nature not to.”

  She scoffs, folding her arms. “Our nature. Jesus.”

  “We may not have grown up in the same place, but we grew up similarly.”

  “How did you start with her and end up here?” She gestures to my suit.

  I motion to the table. “Sit down with me, and I'll tell you anything you want to know.”

  She watches me with a guarded caution, but she relents and takes a seat. I follow, sitting across from her.

  “I moved in with my grandmother—my father’s mother. She couldn’t stand him and hadn’t talked to him for years, but she took me in. She was good to me until she died.”

  “Were you young?”

  I nod my head as she takes a sip of coffee. I notice her hand shaking. “Yes, but I was old enough to get a job and become emancipated. I worked my ass of and went to college where I met my mentor.”

  Her dark eyebrow raises. “Is that code for a secret older lover?”

  I laugh and then shake my head. “He was a sixty-year-old professor at college.”

  “You went to college?”

  I nod. “You too?”

  She half smiles. “Yes.” Her shoulders relax, and she places the coffee on the table in front of her. “He could have still been a lover.”

  She’s funny. Good. “Nah. Sadly he wasn’t into me that way.” I grin, and she laughs.

  It’s light, but it’s good to hear. “He was just a really good man who, for whatever reason, saw something in me. And when he passed away right before I graduated, he left me his estate.”

  Her eyes widen. “Wow.”

  It was a complete shock to me. A twenty-one-year-old kid inheriting two million dollars, property in California and more knowledge than I knew what to do with in real estate, but I made it work. “He wasn’t married and didn’t have any kids. He left me everything, and there was no way I was going to let him down.”

  “Seems to me you made him proud.”

  “I’m trying.” I smile into my coffee, taking a drink.

  “So you were worried I was like mom. That’s why you didn’t just come and tell me right away.”

  I nod my head. “Just like you’re worried I’m insane right now because I share her blood.”

  She can’t argue with me. “She was the worst person I know. Knew.”

  “Me too.”

  “Do we have any other siblings?”

  Fuck, that’s a scary thought. “Not that I know of.”

  She nods, picking at the sticker on her cup. “According to the results, we don’t share the same dad?”

  I shake my head. “No. I guess not but knowing Slate, who the fuck even knows if the men we thought were our dads actually were.”

  “Why did they call her that?” I suspect my knowing her nickname was the biggest part of her agreeing to a DNA test.

  “She never told you?”

  “She never told me much of anything. Other than I was her—”

  “Tragedy,” I finish for her.

  Her eyes widen, and the tears in them make me feel sick. “She called you that too?”

  “Yeah.” Fuck, I hate her even more knowing she did this to my little sister. I don’t give a fuck if I just found out about her or not, the fact that she grew up like I did is infuriating. “Forget about that shit. She was the only tragedy in her life. And in everyone else's.”

  Penelope nods. “Why did they call her that? Her eyes?”

  I nod my head, thinking about my father burning my flesh with the lighter and telling me the story. “Partially. They were a slate blue, kind of like yours.” I see her cringe and sympathize with her wanting nothing from our mother. “My father gave her that nickname when she was pregnant with me.”

  She looks afraid to ask. “Why?”

  “Apparently, they were pulled over with a ton of shit in their car. Heroine and pot, I think. Ready to distribute. She was four months pregnant with me, and he took the blame. He told me it was her idea to make some money to raise me.” It could definitely be bullshit. Nothing that ever came out of either of their mouths was the whole truth. “Anyway, he gave her a clean slate while he went to prison.”

  “But he got out in time to torture you, I'm guessing.” I wonder if Lola told her that part. Her eyes fall to my hand. “Or was that her?”

  “Him. Yeah, he got out pretty fast. I think I was two, but he was in long enough to be really fucking mad when he got out. He hated her, but he lived with us.”

  “I’m sorry they were your parents.”

  I swallow tightly, hearing how strained her voice is. “I’m sorry she was yours. Did you know your dad?”

  Please say no. I can’t imagine he was good. “No.” Relief sweeps over me. “Oddly enough, he was in prison.”

  “You were eight when you met the Sterlings?”

  Now she smiles. It’s real and a great big smile as she takes a sip of coffee. “Yes. Yes, I was.”

  “You dated Colt first?”

  She nods. “You and Lola really have gotten to know each other, haven’t you?”

  “She’s not just a hookup for me. Or a part of a scheme to hurt you or her. Or anyone.”

  She studies me, pursing her lips and seems to accept that. “I believe you. I have no idea why, but it’s weird . . . You’re going to think I'm crazy, but I think I felt safe with you from that first meeting. But when I found out you lied—”

  I cut her off, “You had every reason to be suspicious. It’s smart.”

  “I’m getting married.”

  “I heard. Congrats.” I smile, not really knowing Lincoln from the one dinner I had with him, but if Lola says he’s good to her, I believe it.

  “Thank you. Are you in love with Lola?”

  Damn. Everyone surrounding Lola is blunt as hell. “Yes.” I don’t have to hesitate with that question anymore.

  A slow, sardonic smiles slides over her face. “Don’t hurt her.”

  “You know, so far in the short time I've known you all, I’ve been told if I hurt you, my balls will be shark food. And if I hurt her, they’ll never be able to identify my body.”

  She snorts as she takes a drink from her coffee. “The Sterlings are intense.”

  I laugh too. “No shit. I’ve been around some tough motherfuckers, but they are something else.”

  “Now y
ou know why I couldn’t shake them. Tougher than all the street kids I knew combined.”

  “I’m really glad you had them.”

  “Me too.” She smiles sweetly. “Anyway, you should be Lola’s plus one to my wedding.”

  “You’re inviting me to your wedding?”

  Her small shoulders shrug, and I feel her insecurity. “If you want to come. But you are the only blood relative I have, and she loves you. She’s going to need you.”

  “Why? As far as I can tell, she loves you like a sister already.”

  I can tell the feeling is mutual, but her smile fades. “Because of the location of the wedding.”

  My blood runs cold. “Where?”

  “The lakehouse.”

  I shake my head. What the fuck? “Why?”

  She swallows, and I see the tears are back in her eyes. I can’t imagine why they would ever go back there. “Closure. You don’t know the whole story. I’m almost certain of that. Linc and I . . . There’s a dark past there.”

  “So you want to be married there?”

  That makes no sense.

  “Yes, because Nora’s wedding there was beautiful, and it was therapeutic being there. I just . . . I want Colt to be a part of it. I don’t want to hide from his memory because he meant so much to both of us.”

  The brother she dated before the brother she’s marrying?

  Okay, so maybe she’s a little crazy.

  “Penelope.”

  She holds up one hand. “You may be my older brother, but that does not mean you get to start lecturing me. I’ve made up my mind. I need this. Linc needs this. But I don’t want it to send anyone else into a spiral.”

  I think about holding Lola in the pool yesterday. “I’ll be there.”

  Her shoulders square. “You really do love her.”

  I really do.

  “So she invited you to the wedding?”

  Hayden just grins as he looks around the now-furnished dining room of hotel number one. “She did. Are you okay with that?”

  The fact that he’s going makes me much calmer, but I'm not telling him that. “I suppose that’s okay.”

  I nonchalantly shrug my shoulder and look around, making sure everything is in order. It won’t be long before the grand opening.