“They were short of a lot of things,” Nat said. “And barbers were—”
“Well, I have two things to say,” Boone cut in. “First off, I want you to know I’m real proud of what you did, going over to help those orphans. And the length of your hair is of no concern to me.”
“Thanks,” Nat said.
“I wanted to say that first off,” Boone added, “because the second thing is of great concern to me.” His cheeks reddened, but he soldiered on. “If you won’t try and be a real daddy to this baby, I’ll kick your butt from here to the New Mexico line.”
Jessica was amazed that someone as mild-mannered as Boone would make such a threat, but she’d had enough of this coercion talk. “Listen, I don’t think anybody should be forced to—”
“Now, Jessie-girl,” Travis said, “Boone and me, we have a point to make with our buddy Nat, so don’t be implying that he’ll be let off the hook. In fact, we asked the ladies to wait inside so we could get a few things straight with him before he goes in to see Lizzie.”
Lizzie? Jessica’s groan of protest was out before she could call it back.
“What’s wrong?” Travis asked.
“Um, I…uh, didn’t expect you’d all be calling her Lizzie,” she said.
“Don’t worry,” Sebastian said. “Travis is the only one who calls her that. She’s Elizabeth to the rest of us.”
“Oh.” Jessica told herself to be reasonable. A nickname wasn’t the worst fate that could befall her baby. But she loved her daughter’s name, and didn’t like someone fooling with it. Still, it was probably a small matter. “I suppose in the grand scheme of things it isn’t important, but I’d always thought—”
“There’s not a thing wrong with the name Lizzie,” Travis said. “Considering she’s smart and funny and loves to play, I’d say it fits her personality a lot better than a long handle like Elizabeth, which sounds like somebody in one of those movies made in England.”
Jessica winced. She’d been a fan of such movies in college. She’d chosen the name Elizabeth because it sounded elegant and British.
“I happen to like her name the way it is,” Sebastian said. “It sounds pretty to me.”
“Me, too,” Boone said.
“Nope, way too formal,” Travis said. Then he glanced at Jessica. “No offense. I figure you named her that because it’s flexible, and you can make a lot of names out of it. There’s Beth, and Betty, and Liza, and just plain Liz. But the way she’s turning out, Lizzie fits best. You’ll see.”
“She’s not going to see a damn thing unless we let her go into the house,” Sebastian pointed out.
“I guess we can go in now,” Travis said, “as long as Nat understands our position on this baby thing.”
“Oh, I understand it,” Nat said. He gave the impression of great nonchalance. “But I’m afraid you’ve raised the bar too high for this ol’ boy. I tried to tell Sebastian that I—”
“Hey.” Boone clapped a big hand on Nat’s shoulder. “Listen, I don’t talk about it much, but my old man whupped me when I was growing up, too.”
“Yeah,” Nat said, “but I’ll bet it wasn’t the same.”
“No kidding,” Travis said. “Boone probably outweighed his dad by the time he was ten.”
“Doesn’t matter if it was the same or not,” Boone insisted stubbornly. “He still beat us, but I’m not like my dad, and you aren’t like yours, either. I’d lay money on it. So don’t give up on this program so quick, before you ever see her.”
“Yeah,” Travis added. “She’ll melt your heart, buddy.”
“That’s a fact,” Sebastian said.
Uncertainty shone in Nat’s eyes as he glanced around at his three friends.
Jessica put a comforting hand on his arm, and when he looked down at her, she gave him a reassuring smile, in spite of the butterflies fluttering in her stomach. “Let’s go see our daughter,” she murmured.
NAT DREW what strength he could from Jess’s gaze. He wished he could hold her for a minute before they walked through that door, but that wouldn’t be happening.
He glanced once more at his three friends, but their expressions had no give to them. They expected too much, but he couldn’t bring himself to tell them so, straight out. He already felt like a failure for getting Jess pregnant and leaving her to face the experience alone.
“I’ll do the best I can,” he said.
“In that case,” Sebastian said, “everything will work out just fine. Now let’s get in and enjoy that fire!”
As they all trooped into the house Nat had come to consider his second home, he was bombarded with the many changes there. A mesh-sided playpen filled with soft baby toys was set up behind the old leather sofa. He noticed a floor loom in a corner and remembered that Matty was a weaver. A new picture hung over the fireplace, and a pretty display of pinecones and autumn leaves decorated the mantel. Sebastian would never have thought to do such a thing.
Matty greeted him and Jess with all the confidence be-fitting the lady of the house. And she was definitely that, pregnant belly and all. But he had no time to comment on that development. As Matty took their coats and began the introductions, he sensed Jess’s tension as she waited for the moment she’d be able to go see their baby. Their baby. The reality still hadn’t hit him.
But before they could take that long walk back to the bedroom, it was only right that they acknowledge the women who had helped nurture that baby for six months. They met Travis’s wife, Gwen, a tall brunette he vaguely remembered as one of Matty’s good friends, and Shelby McFarland, Boone’s petite, blond wife. They learned that Shelby and Boone had recently adopted Shelby’s three-year-old nephew Josh and that he was also asleep in the room with Elizabeth.
The big surprise was Travis’s mother, Luann, a tiny, gray-haired woman in her fifties who’d come to live at Gwen’s bed-and-breakfast. Nat had always assumed Travis’s playboy existence had continued when he’d returned to Utah every winter. Apparently he’d gone home to watch over his widowed mother.
At last the introductions were complete.
“I’d like to go see her now,” Jess said quietly.
“Of course.” Matty started down the hall, and everyone followed, bumping into each other as they tried to squeeze into the hallway. Jess and Nat brought up the rear.
Matty turned and held up her hand, like a traffic cop. “Hold on, here. We can’t all go. In fact, Jessica should be allowed to go alone, if she wants.”
Amid mumbled agreement, everyone backed out of the hallway.
Nat could live with Jess going in first. He wouldn’t mind taking it slow, easing into the situation a little at a time.
“I’d like Nat to go with me,” Jess said.
So much for taking it slow. With his buddies giving him the evil eye, he had no choice but to agree. “Okay. Sure. Good idea.”
Everyone stepped aside.
“She’s in the guest room, Nat,” Sebastian said. “The room you used to use when you came down from Denver. Matty redecorated it.”
“And I just want to add that Sebastian picked out that girly crib,” Matty said. “I wanted something plainer.”
“We left a night-light on,” Boone said. “Josh likes that, especially when they’re together, so if he opens his eyes he can see Elizabeth over there in her crib.”
“Oh, and about the pacifier,” Travis said. “Some people purely hate them, but Doc Harrison said it wouldn’t hurt her, and so we use it sometimes.”
“I hope you like her sleeper, Jessica,” Gwen said. “Travis and I couldn’t decide which one to put on her when we brought her over tonight. We went with Winnie-the-Pooh.”
Jess turned to her with a look of surprise. “Brought her over? I thought she stayed here all the time.”
“Oh, no,” Shelby said from her position beside Boone. “We all take—I mean, we all took turns. You see, everybody…” She trailed off and glanced around nervously, as if afraid she’d spoken out of turn.
“Everybody wanted her,” Sebastian finished, his voice rough with emotion.
Oh, God. Nat had never seen his friend so emotional. It made him feel about an inch tall, knowing he’d helped cause this fiasco.
Jess swallowed, and her voice shook. “I don’t know how I’ll ever be able to thank you all, or make it up to you for…for…”
Feeling the need to do something of value, Nat reached for her hand, which was ice-cold. “Let’s go,” he said gently.
She blinked rapidly, swallowed again, and nodded.
Nat started down the hall. Through their linked hands, he could feel Jess trembling. He laced his fingers through hers and gave her hand a squeeze. If he could have forced words past his tight throat, he would have said something reassuring, but all he could give her at this point was the comfort of touch.
Ahead of them, the guest-room door was open a crack, and a faint light showed around the edge. It wasn’t often, Nat thought, that stepping through a door could so completely divide ignorance from knowledge. This was one of those times. Once he went through that door, he would never be the same.
CHAPTER TWELVE
AS NAT GENTLY PUSHED open the door, Jessica gripped his hand and vowed not to cry. Crying would only wake Elizabeth and little Josh and frighten them both. Besides, as long as Elizabeth stayed asleep, Jessica could hang on to the fantasy that her child would remember her.
A zoo of stuffed animals covering every available surface, and bright cartoon wallpaper left no doubt this was a beloved baby’s room. The crib was against one wall and a double bed against the other. Jessica barely spared a glance for the small boy in the bed as she started toward the crib, heart pounding so loud she thought the sound might wake Elizabeth.
She was so big! Tears swam in her eyes and she wiped them away swiftly. She wanted to see.
Oh, God. Her daughter was so beautiful. Jessica pressed her fist against her mouth to stifle the sob that rose in her throat as tears rushed down her cheeks. Beautiful. The pain of being separated from this child, this flesh of her flesh, rolled through her unchecked. Until now she’d refused to give it room in her heart, but now, at the sight of Elizabeth, it blasted past her defenses, threatening to engulf her.
She fought for control, reminding herself that the separation was over. No more time apart. Now she could mend the rift between her and this precious child. Elizabeth would be confused, so it was up to Jessica to be strong, to be up to the challenge.
Elizabeth slept on her tummy with her bottom up in the air. Jessica had never seen her do that. But then, she’d never seen her crawl or pull herself up, and she probably could do both of those things now. Her dimpled hand lay over the tail of a sock monkey with black-button eyes. Her favorite toy, Sebastian had said. Jessica’s heart grew heavy as she thought of all she’d missed.
The baby’s hair, which used to be so wispy and light brown, looked redder now and more abundant as it curled in ringlets all over her head. She had Jessica’s hair. Her child. Possessiveness flowed hot in her veins. Hers.
Before she knew it, she’d dropped to her knees in front of the crib and was reaching through the bars. She stopped herself just in time. No, she didn’t want to wake Elizabeth. Not yet. To keep herself in check, she gripped the bars while she peered into Elizabeth’s face.
Oh, yes, she was older and bigger all over, but the same. Same uptilted nose, same rosy cheeks, same Cupid’s bow mouth. Jessica’s breasts ached with the memory of how sweet it had been to nurse her and how agonizing to switch her to the bottle.
She heard a steady plop, plop, plop and finally realized it was the sound of her tears, dripping on the edge of the crib mattress. Drawing back, she felt the imprint the crib bars had made against her cheeks as she’d tried to eliminate the barrier between her and her daughter.
When an arm came around her shoulders, she jumped.
“It’s me,” Nat whispered, crouching beside her. “Only me.”
She turned her head in surprise. She’d forgotten he was even in the room.
He stared at Elizabeth as if totally amazed by her. When he glanced at Jessica, even the dim lighting couldn’t disguise the wonder in his expression.
“We did this?” he murmured.
She nodded, unable to speak.
His attention returned to the baby, as if drawn by a magnet. “Amazing.”
Hope swelled within her. Maybe, if he was as awestruck by this miracle as he sounded, he would find a way around his fears. She looked back at Elizabeth and her craving to hold the baby was like a live thing she had to wrestle every moment she stayed near the crib. Her mouth grew moist with the need to touch her child. Not yet. Soon.
“She’s so small,” Nat said quietly. He kept his arm around Jessica and kneaded her shoulder gently.
Jessica swallowed hard and managed a whispered comment. “I was just thinking how big she is.”
“She looks like you.”
“A little.” She battled the urge to snatch this baby up and never let her go. “Her eyes are the same shape as your eyes.” Jessica had fantasized this scene a million times—picturing how it would feel to be gathered inside the protective circle of Nat’s arm as the two of them watched Elizabeth sleep. “And look at her fingers,” she said. “They’re long and graceful, like yours.”
He made a brief noise of protest. “My fingers aren’t graceful.”
“They are.” Her emotions pooled like wax around a candle flame, ready to spill over at the slightest tremor. “Especially when you’re—” She caught herself.
“When I’m making love to you?” he asked softly as he increased the pressure of his easy massage.
She’d thought Elizabeth had laid claim to all her needs for the moment, but she discovered Elizabeth’s father had a grip on his share, after all. She glanced at him. He was gazing at her with that primitive glow in his eyes that told her exactly what was on his mind.
She shook her head. “I didn’t mean to say that.”
“How can you help it, when right in front of us is the evidence of me being deep inside you,” he murmured.
She tried to be rational. “This isn’t the time to be thinking of…that.”
“Maybe not. But I don’t think I’ve ever wanted you more than I do right this minute.”
His gaze was mesmerizing in its intensity. She could no more stop her instinctive response to him than deny her need for this baby. He leaned down, as if to kiss her. Then a rustling from the crib broke the spell.
Elizabeth smacked her lips and heaved a sigh.
Jessica froze in place, sure their whispering had caused the baby to wake up. Now she’d have to bear the heartache of watching those eyes open and show absolutely no recognition. Jessica felt too fragile to deal with that yet.
But the baby’s eyes remained closed, her lashes creating a pale, feathery crescent against her soft cheek.
“We’d better go,” Jessica whispered. “Before we wake her.”
“Yeah.” Nat stood and then helped Jessica to her feet. He held both her hands, and for a moment it seemed he might pull her close. Then he squeezed her hands and released them. “Let’s go back to the others. It’s been a long night, and they’d probably like to get home.”
IT TOOK SOME DOING, but finally Matty and Sebastian hustled everyone out the door, including a very sleepy Josh. Nat could see that nobody was happy about leaving Elizabeth, knowing that once they returned, Jess would be in charge as the baby’s mother.
Finally the last vehicle pulled out of the driveway, and Nat brought in his and Jess’s backpacks. He wasn’t sure what to do with them because their sleeping arrangements hadn’t been decided, so he leaned them against the wall by the front door. Matty had just eased into the rocker and she looked glad to be off her feet for a change. He decided not to ask where to put the backpacks and risk sending her into her hostess mode again.
While Sebastian made the rounds checking the locks on all the doors and windows, Jess stood warming her hands by the f
ire. Because Nat couldn’t be near her without wanting to put his arms around her, he roamed the living room, examining all the feminine touches Matty had added.
From her position by the fire, Jess turned so she could look at Matty. “I want to thank you for bringing everybody together tonight and giving me a chance to let them know how much I appreciate all they’ve done.”
Matty smiled. “You’re welcome, but I probably couldn’t have kept them away with a loaded shotgun.” A small sigh of weariness escaped her as she laid her head back against the rocker.
“But you’re exhausted,” Jess said. “I feel terrible that this has been so much work for you.”
“I’m a little tired,” Matty admitted, laying a hand over her rounded tummy. “But don’t feel guilty. I wouldn’t have missed any of it for all the tea in China. Besides, being tired at this stage probably goes with the territory.”
“I’m afraid it does,” Jess said. “I never slept so much in my life as when I was pregnant with Elizabeth. I even took naps, and I never do that.”
Matty nodded. “Around this place we’ve turned into Naps ’R’ Us. It’s embarrassing how much sleep I need these days.”
As the two women exchanged an understanding glance, Nat felt cheated that he hadn’t been there to experience Jess’s pregnancy, naps and all. As a man, he couldn’t be expected to know what it was like to be pregnant, but if he’d gone through it with Jess, he’d at least have some reference point.
Instead, he felt shut out. But it was his own damn fault that he hadn’t made sure she was all right before he left the country. “I didn’t get a chance to congratulate you before, Matty,” he said. “But I think it’s great. When’s the baby due?”
“We’re hoping for Valentine’s Day,” Matty said.
“We’re planning on Valentine’s Day,” Sebastian said, coming into the room and moving behind the rocker. He reached over and began massaging Matty’s shoulders. “Little Rebecca will be right on time, like the sweetheart she is.”
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