by Tri Amutia
My eyes flew open.
Of course, he was a good kisser. God knew how many girls he'd kissed in high school. Suddenly, I felt sick. I tried to wriggle out of his embrace, but Joshua tightened his hold on me. I continued to my attempt in escaping his arms. Finally, he broke the kiss for air and I pushed myself off of him. I wobbled and fell to the ground, panting. Joshua, still standing, looked at me with dark eyes full of passion, love, and desire. He was also panting. Neither of us said anything. I tried to control my breathing. The kiss was amazing, but repulsive at the same time. I always dreamt to have my first kiss in a special place, but my supposed to be fiancé ruined it for me. And the sad thing was...I was not his first kiss.
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" I spat at him.
Joshua raised his head and looked at me. "I just kissed you and you kissed me back."
My body shook with anger, mostly at myself. "Yes, you did and I did not kiss you back! I hope you didn't like it because I'm inexperience. Not like you!" My eyes brimmed with tears. Why does this man have to ruin everything?
Joshua looked guilty. "Abby, I'm sor-"
"Save it!" I said angrily. I stood up and began to walk again.
"Abby!" He grabbed my arm and turned me around.
I looked at him with hatred in my eyes. Joshua looked at back me with a guilty expression.
"What?" I asked him rudely. "Congratulations! Finally, you really got me, Mr. Walsh. I hope you really enjoyed yourself."
"Stop it!" He shouted at me and grabbed my shoulder. Joshua took deep breaths and leaned his forehead into my shoulder. "I really love you, Abby. Please!"
I closed my eyes and tried to calm myself. His red hair tickled my cheek. I had to fight to not run my fingers through his hair. I opened my eyes and looked at the trees. "It's too late for that, Joshua. You disappointed me."
He raised his head and looked at me anxiously. "Never say that. It's not too late."
I looked at him with sad eyes. "You’ll never be honest with me. How are we supposed to have a healthy relationship when it’s built on lies, Joshua? The week is not over, but we already fought more than three times. I can't do this!"
"Abby...the girl that Kimberly mentioned was only a friend. She did confess her feelings to me, but I didn't return them. I told her that I love you. I have no idea why Kimberly still brings her up. I haven’t seen her since we moved back here. I didn't tell you because there was nothing to tell."
"It's not about the girl, Joshua!" I shouted at him and wriggled free of his hold on my shoulders. "I don't care how many girls you've kissed or slept with. I don't give a damn!" I sighed. "You’ll never be truly honest with me. You always keep secrets from me. What will happen when we're married, Joshua? Should I know if you have any kids with one of those women?"
"ABBY!" He shouted back at me. "Do you really think of me like that? Do you really think I will do that to you? You don't know anything!"
"The hell, I don't!" I looked at his black eyes. "This is not going to work, Josh. We've changed. I'm not a teenager anymore and neither are you." I rubbed my temples. "Please, let me go. You will find someone better than me," I said, slowly. Better to end it soon rather than feeling more hurt later.
"NO!" His dark eyes sought my face. "You can ask me anything. Anything, but that!" For a brief second, I was thinking of what Stella said earlier about asking Joshua to jump off of a cliff.
Nope, not a good idea! At least, for now.
"Joshua, please...we can't hurt each other like this," I begged him.
"I don't want to hurt you. I want to love you, Abby," he pleaded.
I sighed. This was hopeless. "I just want to go home, please."
Joshua's hands still cupped my face before he finally released me. He held my hand and took me to his car. He opened the passenger door and helped me in. He walked around the car and opened his door.
"You should put your shoes and your seatbelt on," he said in a low voice.
I looked at my feet and cursed lightly. I grabbed my shoes from my purse and put them back on. He revved the engine after we both settled our seatbelts and drove out of his driveway. We didn't say anything during our journey to my parents’ home. I just looked outside the window, never looked in his direction. Joshua parked in the driveway and cut the engine. We sat there in silence for awhile before he spoke up.
"I'm sorry, Abby," he whispered.
"There's nothing to forgive," I answered flatly. I didn't recognize my own voice.
He sighed and leaned his head into the seat. "I'll come by with my parents later."
What? They really want to discuss about this...living...arrangement...thing? Ugh! The nerve of this guy!
"You don't have to come by. I'll ask my dad or Ethan to take me back to Seattle."
I unbuckled my seatbelt and ready to step out, when Joshua's hand blocked my way. He leaned so close to me I could feel his warm breath on my face. His closeness sent warm feelings through my body. I stared into his piercing hazel eyes.
"Do you honestly think I will let Ethan White take you to Seattle after what I saw between him and his fiancée? Never! You will ride with me, whether you like it or not," he said menacingly.
I narrowed my eyes. "You are so pushy."
He smirked. "Yes, indeed...I am, Ms. Bennett, especially when it concerns my fiancée."
I scowled at him.
Joshua released his block on me and I opened the door, didn't bother to wait for him to open it for me. Ethan's bike was nowhere to be seen. Looks like he was already gone. I walked to my front door and into the house. I closed the door and leaned against it. I could hear the sound of Joshua's car disappearing in the distance. I exhaled and shook my head. What should I do now?
"Abby? Honey? You're home. How was the lunch?" My mom asked from the couch.
I raised my head and tried to smile. "Hey, Mom. The lunch was...good." I stepped away from the door and walked to the couch. I looked around. "Where's dad?"
"He went fishing with Bobby. He'll be back soon," my mom answered me while flipping through the channels on the television.
"Ok..." I said, slowly. "I'm going to my room, mom," I said as I stood from the couch.
She just nodded as I headed up to my room. I suddenly felt exhausted when I walked into my room. Since meeting Joshua, I’ve felt worn out. I spent a lot of energy just to keep a healthy conversation with him. This engagement won't work, but why he insists to keep it? I sat in my old rocking chair and looked outside the window. I rocked slowly back and forth...back and forth...trying to calm myself from my twisted engagement. I could hear my BlackBerry vibrate several times in my purse, but I ignored it. My mind wandered back to our kiss. I closed my eyes. I still could feel his warmth and my lips started to tingle from the memory. I opened my eyes again and sighed. I didn't know how long I've been sitting and rocking my chair when I felt someone touched my shoulder lightly.
"Abby?" A soft voice called me.
I froze and stopped rocking my chair. I slowly turned to see Joshua standing next to me with a worried expression.
"Abby, are you all right?" He asked, again.
I pondered his question for a moment.
"No," I answered him lightly.
He sighed. "Stella and I called you several times, but you never answered your phone. We were so worried. I'm sorry, Abby. I'm really sorry for making you so upset. Please, would you join me downstairs? Our parents are waiting for us."
I scoffed. "No."
"If you don't want to come downstairs, then I'll stay here with you."
I looked at him. "What is it to you? You don't care about how I feel. Stop acting like you know everything about me. Since you came back, my life has turned to hell."
"Is that what you think, Abby? If you think your life is hell, then my life will be a curse. Because there is no heaven without you," he said, slowly.
I narrowed my eyes and stood from my chair. I walked out of my room while Joshua followed me. I saw our parents in the living room.
Wow, I didn't even know my dad was home.
When I looked at Josh’s parents I instantly felt guilty about what happened at lunch. I just hoped they didn't mention it in front of my parents.
"Abby, honey, we've been waiting for you," my mom said and patted the space next to her.
I sat obediently. Joshua sat next to Farah. I raised my head and looked at his parents. They both smiled when our gazes met. I smiled back and quickly lowered my head when I saw Joshua staring at me.
I didn't pay much attention to their conversation. I just heard some glimpses like living arrangements...the engagement...living together...wedding...the true love…
"What do you think, Abby?"
The sound of my name cut my day-mare. I blinked several times and looked to the faces around me.
"About what?" I asked, stupidly.
"About the new apartment. Are you listening, Abby?" My mom asked me.
I sighed and rubbed my temples. "I'm sorry. I don't feel very well. I’m going to have some water in the kitchen." I stood from my seat and walked to the kitchen.
I poured the water in my glass and sat in a dining chair. I played with my glass and then felt a presence in front of me. I looked up to see Joshua sitting in the chair in front of me. I shook my head and leaned into my chair.
"What do you want now?" I asked him, instantly feeling tired.
He smiled grimly. "I want you."
I rolled my eyes. "Oh, please, that’s a lame answer."
Joshua chuckled. "Yes, maybe, but that is the truth."
"What happened at lunch?" I asked him.
He was drawing some random patterns on the dining table.
"When I got home, Kimberly was already gone. Apparently, Stella gave her some pointers. I didn't know the details. I'm sure Stella will call you and tell you about that."
I sipped my water. "Like I want to hear about it. You put Kimberly and I again in one room and this thing will happen again."
"Well, I called Kimberly and gave her some pointers as well. I won't let anyone insult you like that, again," he said, sternly.
I sighed. "I already told you this is not going to work. Why do you insist? You probably have tons of women waiting for you. Don't bother me!"
Joshua's jaw clenched as he looked at me deeply. "You can say that thousands of times, Abby. I'll get used to it. But, you have to remember one thing. I LOVE YOU and I will wait for you to love me back."
I scoffed. "This is not the time for daydreaming, lover boy."
He smirked. "No, my dear. This is reality. And the reality says we'll be moving in our new apartment in two weeks."
My eyes widened. "What?"
~O~
If you thought that nightmares only happened in the night, well, then you are wrong. Because what happened to me was the proof. I looked at Joshua with a horror expression. "Why did you do that?" I hissed.
He shrugged. "We really need time to get to know each other, Abby, and the only way to achieve that is by living together."
"I'm not going to live with you!" I spat at him. My whole body vibrated with hate and anger. Why can’t this man see this thing won't work between us?
"We can discuss it all later in Seattle. You should pack your bags. We'll be leaving in one hour."
I rolled my eyes and cursed under my breath. I rose from the chair and stomped to my room, ignoring our parents in the living room. I packed my bags hastily, still feeling angry. I sat on my bed for a moment to calm my breathing. I covered my face with my hands. I wanted to cry, but somehow I didn't have the energy to do that.
"Abby?"
I pulled my hands away from my face and raised my head. Farah popped her head into my room. I smiled weakly.
"Can I come in?"
"Sure," I said, hoarsely.
Farah stepped into my room and sat next to me on my bed. She wrapped her arm around my shoulder. "How are you, my dear?"
I shrugged and looked at her. "Did Joshua send you in here?"
Farah chuckled. "No, he's talking with his dad and your parents about his job in Seattle. I volunteered to come in here."
I nodded and looked at my hands. "I'm sorry about what happened at lunch earlier. I really didn't mean it. You are really a good host. Too bad it had to be ruined because I couldn't control my temper."
She smiled and kissed my head. "There's nothing to forgive, Abby. What Kimberly did earlier was inappropriate. It was a good thing you stood up for yourself. She felt embarrassed and excused herself not long after you went home." She sighed. "What is wrong with you and Joshua?"
I exhaled. "I can't do this, Farah. He’s never honest with me. He never truly tells me about himself."
Farah rubbed my shoulder. "Just give him time, Abby. Joshua is new to this. You might have remembered him as a player or whatever when you were in high school, but the truth is he never really had a relationship. He still needs to learn himself and I hope you both can understand each other better by living together."
I shook my head and ran a hand through my hair. "I still doubt it."
Farah smiled. "You are an amazing girl, Abby. I'm sure you can handle it. Just pretend that Joshua is a final draft that you need to edit."
I raised my eyebrows and we both laughed.
"See...I can make you laugh," Farah smiled at me.
"Thank you, Farah," I said, smiling.
Farah nodded and kissed my temple. "Come on, get your bags. You don't want to arrive in Seattle at midnight, right?"
I smiled grimly and checked my belongings. After making sure everything was packed, I headed downstairs with Farah. I said goodbye to both sets of parents with a promise to call them after we’ve moved into our new place. I rolled my eyes internally. Like that could happen. I could make thousands of excuses not to move in with Joshua.
The black car drove swiftly from the driveway and we headed back to Seattle to a future I was unsure about.
Our journey back to Seattle was quieter than the trip to Long Beach.
I enjoyed the calm melody coming from the speakers once Josh decided to put on a classic CD. I looked outside my window, never glancing in his direction. Sometimes, from the corner of my eyes, I could see his hand switch.
I lost track of time because a while later he asked me if I were hungry. I shook my head and answered him that I shall have my dinner in Seattle. Joshua nodded as he said he'll take me somewhere to eat when we get there.
We arrived in Seattle by nightfall and he stopped at a cafe. I sighed happily. I was not in the mood to eat in a fancy restaurant.
We ate our dinner casually and didn't talk much. We finished one hour later and Josh drove me back to my apartment. I refused for him to walk me to my door. He looked hurt, but quickly composed himself and said good night.
I walked into my apartment, feeling exhausted. I opened the door and flicked on the light. I dropped my bags on the floor, locked my door and plopped myself on the couch. I turned on the TV, just to hear some noises to distract myself. I took my phone out of my bag and looked at the screen. I haven’t checked my phone since leaving the horrible lunch. Three missed calls from Stella, seven from Joshua, two text messages from Stella, and one from Josh. I deleted all the missed calls and opened the text messages from Stella.
Abby, are you ok? Please, call me back. I'm leaving for New York after lunch. -S-
I opened the other message.
Abby, don't worry about Kimberly. I gave her some pointers. Miller’s style. Please, call me or text me before you go back to Seattle. -S-
I looked at the ceiling for a moment before opening the last message which was from Josh.
I'm sorry for everything. I never meant to hurt you, but please understand I can't lose you, not for the second time. Please, give me a chance, Abby. I’ll call you tomorrow. I love you. So much. -J-
I checked the time of the message. It appeared Joshua sent it when we just arrived at my apartment. He probably texted me after making sure I was safely inside. I closed m
y eyes and laid down on my couch. This year was going to be interesting.
~O~
I woke up to the sound of knocking on my front door. I rubbed my eyes and rolled over before realizing that I fell asleep on the couch as I hit the floor with a loud bang.