by Tri Amutia
He shook his head, still looking at the ceiling. "No."
I took deep breaths. Some images of my conversation with Stella flashed in my mind. I want to tell him about my transfer and I guess this was the right time.
"Mr. Smith offered me the position in England," I blurted out and bit my lip.
Joshua turned his head and looked at me.
We stared at each other for a brief second.
"And what was your answer?" He asked slowly.
I furrowed my eyebrows. His expressions were a mix with shock and also…worry? Does he want me to stay? I'll be glad to if he says so and I didn't have to go to England. But, seconds later I realized it was because some other reason.
"I didn't answer him yet," I said to him with a wonder expression. "Do you have any other plans in your mind?" I asked curiously.
He fidgeted in his seat and seemed nervous. He swallowed hard. "I...uh...the hospital offered me a scholarship for...uh...my...pediatric." His voice was faltered in the end.
I gasped. "Joshua! That's wonderful!" Without thinking, I jumped from where I was sitting and hugged him.
He chuckled and he hugged me back. I laughed happily and leaned back to look at him. "Your dream is coming true."
He smiled and rested his forehead to mine. "I know. Thank you for staying with me all along, Abby. You are my strength."
I smiled back and caressed his cheek. "Did you accept the offer?"
He sighed. "Not yet."
I frowned. "Why?"
He looked at me with a sad expression. "If you decide to go to England, I'll move with you."
My eyes widened. "What?" I became frantic. "No, Joshua! You can't do that. That's your dream. I can't risk it for you."
"Abby, please, listen to me," He soothed my stiff body by cupping my face in his hands.
I stayed still.
"This scholarship...I can get it in England too. With a good recommendation, I can ask for it there. You don't have to be worry, dear. I just want to be with you. I can't live apart from you. Not anymore."
I exhaled and my shoulders slumped. "But, it's not fair for you."
He chuckled. "Life isn't fair, Abby, and it's more unfair to you if you have to stay here for me. You love your job and I know you give yourself to it. I'll be damned if I take that away from you."
I sighed. "And you decided to tell me now? How long have the hospital offered the scholarship?"
He grimaced sheepishly. "Do you remember when I...uh...avoiding you?"
I went rigid. I still didn't forget that time. Joshua sensed my tense posture and held my shoulders.
"I was so confused. I always make you cry; I don't want to hold you here if you don't want to. I think if I were busy enough, the tension will disappear. But, I thought that was not a good idea either," He sighed and ran his hand through his hair.
"I gladly accept the hospital's offer. That was why I started to work in long hours, not only assisting Dr. Keller, but also Dr. Collins, the head of pediatrics."
He paused.
I sat there in silence. Somehow I felt bad for misjudging him, again.
"When they saw my capabilities, they decided to give me the scholarship. It was after you told me you were one of the candidates. I've talked to the director again and asked them for transferring my scholarship to New York or maybe England. They said it was not a big problem in New York, but they needed some time to transfer the scholarship to England."
Joshua looked at me and smiled tenderly. "Even if I couldn't get the scholarship here, I could ask for the application in England and let them consider it." And then he looked at me with careful expression as if trying not to get me upset again.
"I was thinking a crazy plan," He said, half whispering. "Maybe...just maybe if we were married...the hospital will consider the transfer."
My eyes widened.
Did he...did he...really thought about that?
I heard lots of office's policy could be negotiated if the employee were married or has a family. But, to hear that from Joshua himself made me considered my own option. If we were married and Joshua still couldn't get the transfer to England, will I pass the opportunity and be a good wife? Just stay here and never leave?
I took a deep breath and my face turned sad. I didn't want to marry him so he could follow me to England or wherever it is. How could I make him do all of those things for me? I really didn't deserve him.
Joshua furrowed his eyebrows and stroked my cheek. "Why are you sad?"
"I'm sorry if I was such a burden to you."
"What?" Joshua asked me in a shock.
I sighed sadly. "I just hate this situation. Can we just have a normal relationship with normal jobs under normal situations? Damn it!" That was right. Why didn't we just meet in a better situation? No Scott, no random girls and especially no Natalia. We could live easily right now.
Joshua shook his head and pulled me to him. "I guess we can never be a normal couple, Abby."
I snuggled to his embrace and muffled 'I guess we're not' in his T-shirt. Joshua's phone vibrated from the coffee table. I leaned away from him, thinking he might want to answer it, but he pulled me back.
"Leave it," He said in low voice. It was stern, but not harsh.
Who could that be? Was it...Natalia? I shuddered mentally.
"So, what do we do next?" I asked him. "I mean...about us?"
He sighed. "You definitely have a brighter way of the future and I still need to negotiate with the hospital; to see if I can transfer the scholarship to England."
I raised my head to look at him. "You serious?"
He smirked. "Watch me."
I rolled my eyes and he laughed as hugging me back.
"Abby?"
"Hmmm?"
"Where have you been this morning?"
I sighed. "Just spending my time in a cafe. I just need to get out from here."
I could feel he kissed the top of my head. "I'm sorry, dear. But, please, believe me. It's only you that I love."
I gulped. "I don't mean to pry, but what did you both usually do back in Canada?" I decided to ask him, rather than just guessing around. At least it will soothe some of my insecurities.
Joshua went silent for a moment before answering, "Sometimes we take a walk in the park or read books together. Nothing special."
"When did you realize she likes you? And how did Kimberly know her?" I repressed the shudder when I said her name.
"I've realized it when I started my junior high. She always insisted to go to special occasions with me and somehow managed her dad to persuade my dad too. I've already been suspicious at that time, but I just went along for the sake of my dad. I knew they were good friends. But, Natalia's behavior was beginning to get me frustrated. She was acting like I was already her boyfriend. I confronted her; she wasn't honest with me at first. I confronted her again and then she told me she liked me. She assumed that I like her too and was disappointed when I told her I already love you."
He paused and then stroking my hair.
I closed my eyes from the effect.
"She insisted to know about you, but I never gave her the details. I just told her that your name is Abby. I knew she wanted to become like you so I could love her," He chuckled darkly. "Even if she tried a hundred years, I'll never love her. As for Kimberly, apparently she once spent her holiday in Alaska and she met my dad when he had a meeting with Natalia's dad."
I frowned. "Let me guess. Natalia was there too."
He chuckled again and leaned his chin to my head. "That's correct, dear. Kimberly always thinks her beauty is everything and she felt offended when her beauty didn't affect me. She never understands why I could love you."
I shivered. I must compete with Kimberly too? "Did she-"
"No, not that way," Joshua interjected. "She just thought all men will go down to their knees with just seeing her beauty. I guess I'm the only exception."
I nodded slowly. "I see. And she was more confused when you rejected
Natalia too, right?"
I could feel him shrug. "Somewhere like that. She began to tell Natalia about you, of course she didn't know you that well. She only said that Natalia is more beautiful than you and Natalia started to be more confident. But, again, it was nothing for me. I only love you, Abby."
I opened my eyes. "And what about now?" How could he still love me after those two women continued to attack him? I guessed that was one thing I could never understand from Joshua.
"She still is hoping, of course. But, that's her problem."
I sighed.
"See? It's easier if we can talk about this," He said to me. I could feel he was smiling.
I blushed. "Sorry," I whispered.
He chuckled and kissed my hair. "No need to apologize, dear. I just want to make you see how much you mean to me and I love you."
I nodded slightly.
"Abby?"
"Hmmm?"
"What is your answer for my...proposal?"
I smiled slightly in his T-shirt. "You definitely have a brighter way to propose again," I quoted his words, "and I still need to settle our relationship, so it's on hold." As much as I love him, I knew we need to work out with our job issues first.
He scoffed. "You serious?"
I smirked. "Watch me."
He laughed.
~O~
I arrived at my office in Monday morning half in a daze mode. Finally, Joshua proposed to me, but I didn't give him my answer yet. I just thought we need to settle some things first. Things like Ryan, my transfer and mostly Natalia. I was guessed right, though. She didn't give up. After our discussion, his phone was buzzed all night long, but he never bothers to look at it. I slept alone in my bed that night, asking him for some time with myself, although between my consciousnesses, I felt he lay down beside me in the middle of the night.
I have a meeting this morning, surprisingly with Ryan in the meeting room. I didn't see him much after lunch; it was a surprise to see him again in the same room. We were sat down in the meeting room, all six of us. Mr. Smith, Mrs. Bennington, Ryan, other two editors and myself. I still couldn't focus with what I did since the proposal.
I was torn between two options. One, I knew I love him and God knew how much I wanted him and two, well, because I still need to see his option for his next degree. It was his dream after all. If Joshua's hospital already made the decision, I'll make mine.
I was drawing random patterns in my notes, getting lost in my own thought when Mrs. Bennington called my name.
"Abigail."
I startled slightly and raised my head to see all the eyes in the room were staring intently at me. I blushed.
"Would you like to share what are you thinking right now? You seemed busy."
I gulped. Mr. Smith stared at me curiously while Mrs. Bennington smirked slightly. I frowned internally. I must think quickly before I could embarrass myself any further and thank heavens, an idea popped in my mind. I cleared my throat. "I-uh-just trying to figure out the concept for Mrs. McLane's book launching," I answered her.
That was true. I've been thinking about that all night when I tried to get some sleep. I guessed it was working after all for saving my dignity.
Mrs. Bennington nodded thoughtfully. "We were just discussing that matter, Abigail, but we haven't found an idea yet. Do you have any suggestions?"
I managed to cover my embarrassment from being caught in my daydreaming by telling them about the concept I've been thinking for the book launching. Truthfully, it was the only productive thing I could do after the proposal. I could see Ryan watching me from the corner of my eyes. His face showed he was calculating something.
My bosses released us to lunch after the long meeting. They both seemed satisfied with my idea, although it was the last minute idea. I walked slowly to my booth, lost again in my thought until I felt someone tapped my shoulder. I turned around slowly and saw Ryan standing right next to me. I smiled reluctantly. I still didn't trust him.
"Are you hungry? We can have lunch together," He said.
I grimaced. I still didn't forget the last time I have lunch with him. "Um...I can go by myself."
"Please, I promise I won't do anything stupid."
I chewed my bottom lip.
Ryan still looking at me, half-pleading.
I nodded slowly. "Alright. Let me get my purse."
This time we were having lunch at the cafe where the two of us met. Joshua texted me and told me to have my lunch and said that he loves me. I smiled slightly.
"Is that Joshua?"
I raised my head to see Ryan looking at me with his dark eyes. I cleared my throat. "Um...yes." I placed my BlackBerry back to my purse. I started to eat my food while Ryan was playing with his fork.
"So, you already know you're going to England?" He asked.
I continued to chew my food and sipped my drink. Ryan was looking at me intently. I smiled slightly. "Yes, Mr. Smith told me."
"And did you accept it?"
I shrugged. "Not yet. I need to settle some things with Joshua first," I felt I need to mention Joshua's name this time.
Ryan sighed and leaned back to his chair. "I'm sorry if I were rude to you earlier."
I raised my eyebrows. What happened to the old Ryan? "Excuse me?"
He smiled grimly. "Mr. Smith knows my intention to transfer you to New York and he also knew it was not...a pure... job."
I crossed my arms to my chest.
"He called my bosses in New York and told them about what I did and they were not happy about that," He paused. "I'll come back to New York after the book launching."
I nodded thoughtfully. Well, if he did leave, my problems will decrease.
"I just want to tell you something, Abby."
I furrowed my eyebrows. "Tell me what?"
Ryan smiled timidly. "Just be happy with Joshua."
I chuckled. "What brought this on? You're not drunk, are you?"
He chuckled back. "I wish I am, so I wouldn't feel embarrassed when I say this to you," He sighed. "I'm sorry for everything. I just want you to know that...I like you."
I blinked several times. "Excuse me?" I barely knew him, but he said he liked me. Why do I have to deal with the dreamy type of guy?
Ryan played with his glass. "I heard so much about you from Joshua when we were dorm mates. At that time, I didn't know that a kind of girl like you exists. Not all girls are selfless, kind and smart like you. I really want to know you, but how could that possible if Joshua himself never met you since his high school graduation?"
He seemed lost of words.
I sipped my drink and trying to understand his explanation.
"I just acted like a happy college man, with girls and parties, but sometimes I never know what's good for me. I always envied Joshua. He studied hard, determined to finish his medical degree so he could see you again and proves himself to you. And in one opportunity, I visited his room to borrow some notes and I saw a beautiful picture of a girl on his desk."
I raised my head to look at him.
Ryan smiled weakly. "I asked who she was, although I could guess it was you. When he mentioned your name, I was like...I really want to meet you personally. Joshua knew my reputation and he didn't like it at all. He punched me immediately and I was shocked. I guessed it was just instinct overtaking when I punched him back. The dorm's head separated us and brought us to the student counselor. We spent our detention cleaning the public toilet for two weeks."
Ryan grimaced to the memory while I gaped at him. Wow, I didn't know that.
"Huh...that was a good story," I mumbled.
He laughed lightly. "I just want to tell you that I'm not as bad as you think. It was a surprised when I met you here the first time. I was just testing the water when I asked you out, hoping Joshua didn't find you yet. But, then I saw your ring," He gestured my promise ring and I instinctively look at my ring. The dark stone sparkled under the cafe's light, a reminder of Joshua's promise for always be mine.
&
nbsp; I shivered again.
"He gave it to you, right?"
I nodded and smiled slightly. "Yes."
Ryan sighed. "I understand if he was upset when he saw me. I don't blame him. And again, it was selfish to go out with you. But, Joshua knows me better and I think he knows you too. He knows you wouldn't fall for me." He chuckled nervously.
I smiled timidly. If only he knew what happened to our relationship after his fiasco at the bookstore.
"And the last thing I want to say is please, just consider the offer, Abby. This chance will not come twice. I know you must be thinking about Joshua too, but I'm sure he already has his own plan to stay with you," He said again.
I chuckled lightly. "I know. Thank you, Ryan." I just realized we both called our first name. I didn't know yet if Ryan realized that.
"Um...Abby, can I ask you a question?"
I shrugged. "Sure."
He sipped his drink before looked at me. "If... if you met me before you met Joshua, will you like me?"
My eyes widened. "Huh?"
He smiled again. "Will I ever have a chance with you if Joshua was not in your way?"
I pondered his question for a moment. Actually, I questioned that to myself several times. Will I ever fall in love with someone besides Joshua? Will I give myself a chance to open my heart? I've already dated several times and I didn't see a man who catches my heart yet. But, Joshua was different. Despite of his stubbornness, he's also a loving person and he always knows how to comfort me. We did have differences, but honestly, it was a thing that makes our relationship grows stronger.
And then I knew my answer for his question. It was an epiphany for me.
I knew now Joshua was the one for me.
I took a deep breath. "You will find someone who knows how to make you special, Ryan."
That was my final answer and I think Ryan knew what the meaning behind it was. Even though he came to my world before Joshua, or there was no Joshua, there will never be a chance for both of us.
Ryan nodded slowly and I smiled.
"Thank you for telling me your side of the story. I think you're not as bad as I thought," I concluded.
He smirked. "So, you thought that I was bad?"
I grinned. "Mostly."
He laughed lightly and I was praying silently this was the last time I had lunch with Ryan.